Taxidermist Kendall's LA Hometown
Taxidermist has somehow managed to make it to Hometowns without having a One-on-One. So she's literally introducing him to her family without being alone with him on a date! Great! Where will she take Eerie for her daytime-hometown in the cultural mecca of Los Angeles? A place of taxidermy. POST-WEINSTEIN, we're still portraying women on this show as one-dimensional and we have to re-hit the same joke over and over. She's the quirky one. Taxidermist explains that they're going to taxidermy rats.
Kendall tells Eerie she got into this because she'd find dead animals on hikes and want to preserve them. Normal hike stuff. They then make their rat corpses make out.
Eerie meets Kendall's family...
Kendall has an IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER NAMED KYLIE?!?!?!?!? I never stop reacting to this. She also has a brother named Colton who is kind of hot.
Taxidermist told Eerie that Kylie is super into reading energies and she's right. Kylie: "My fear for Kendall is that she'd lie to herself and jump into a relationship without actually having the base to really feel out everything." Kendall reassures her by telling her that her reaction to Eerie saying he was falling for her was to shut him up with a kiss. The fact that she can tell Eerie is a drip makes me love her and want her to be next Bachelorette.
Taxidermist's Dad asks Eerie if this is "something that's real?" then says BACHELOR IT'S 2018 and blessings are up to Kendall. But only the first part. Taxidermist follows Kylie's advice to lay it all on the table and tells Eerie she's falling for him.
Tattler Tia's Weiner, Arkansas Hometown
The titles person was so distracted by the name of Tia's hometown that they put Alaska's initials instead of Arkansas.
Tattler Tia takes Eerie racing cars in order to keep him so much in his comfort zone he'll forget that she doesn't resemble his mother physically as much as the other women. At least the hitting the one-note car-racing over and over extends to Eerie as well as the women.
Eerie meets Tattler Tia's parents...
Tia's Dad keeps calling Eerie "Airy" which makes me think he reads these recaps. SHOUTOUT TO TIA'S DAD! They do a little wiener toast.
Tattler Tia's brother pulls Eerie and asks him if all the internet rumors are true that Eerie is a huge player and a "Kissing Bandit". Eerie tells him he's done with all the loose fucking, that's not who he is now, and that he's ready to find a wife.
Eerie describes what he likes about Tia to her Dad as a "strong Southern woman who puts me in my place." It's like an alien put itself in a taxidermied 40-year-old skin suit and tries to say a sentence like someone with emotions about people would say.
Tia's Dad is also active on the same internet forums as his son and asks Eerie if he's a "playboy." Eerie points out that he might not realize that dating 25 women at once is "stressful." As EVERY SINGLE HOMETOWN, they advertise the Dad being tough but Tia's Dad quickly gives the blessing. Tia's Dad jokes: "If you hurt her, I can find you on Google." They have no chemistry but Tattler Tia tells Eerie that she's in love with him again, just as she did on their first date.
Becca K's Minneapolis Hometown
Becca takes Eerie to apple-pick where she and her friends annually take Instagram pictures to show they live in a place with fall. I still think she wins. LB has baggage. Tia Tattled. Kendall hates him.
Eerie meets Becca's family...
Becca tells Eerie that her Pastor Uncle Gary has been her second father after her Dad passed away when she was 19. Pastor Uncle Gary asks if Eerie will support Becca's religiousness. Eerie says yes and Pastor Uncle Gary is satisfied.
Becca tries to convince Mama K that this is real.
Eerie feeds Mama K some bullshit stock line of his parents "choosing each other every day" and she warms to him. He asks for the blessing and she's again like, if Becca deems you worthy, fine. THIS IS YOUR THIRD ONE EERIE. DON'T YOU AND THIS SHOW GET THAT BLESSINGS ARE A REMNANT OF A PAST WHEN FATHERS WOULD TRADE THEIR DAUGHTERS FOR SHIT LIKE GOATS AND ORE??!?! Eerie: "I LOVE THAT!" FUCKKKKKK UUUUUU!!!!!!!! Then he tells Becca he got her blessing even though he really didn't...
LB's Virginia Hometown
Goddamnit why do we have to do this. Someone wanted to marry her? Ugh. Eerie rides horses through the water with LB. They have Pillow Time at the top of a lighthouse. Before they meet Eerie, LB's family discuss the situation and wonder if "Arie realizes how conservative our family is." EVEN BETTER.
Eerie meets LB's family...
They sit LB and Eerie very far from the family and Eerie describes it as "tense... on a scale of 1 to having a complete meltdown, I'm at about an 8." They make him tell LB she's beautiful in Dutch but no one reacts.
LB's Dad: "Have you ever known anybody in a military family before?" Eerie: "No!" LB's Dad: "Do you play golf?" Eerie: "No." Eerie steps out from the dinner POURING SWEAT. Jesus Christ is he going to pick her?
Eerie wins him back with a story of him and his racecar friends going to Iraq to hang out with soldiers. LB's Mom is also won over, "I trust Lauren."
LB tries to assuage her Mom's reservations by telling her that they can read each other's thoughts just by looking at each other.
She tells her that Eerie said he was falling in love with her and that he never would have said that if he said it "to other people." LB's Mom: "I hope it's real." How can it POSSIBLY be real?
Eerie flies back to LA and faces his Top Four. He immediately crumbles and leaves the room. When he finally gets his shit together, he pulls Kendall. Tattler Tia thinks the three remaining make the most sense for a Top Three.
Eerie basically tells Taxidermist that he's going to pick someone else he doesn't like as much unless she says she'll get engaged: "If you stay, someone else goes who's very ready to get married." Taxidermist Kendall doesn't give in but also says she doesn't want to break up. This is enough for Eerie to feel satisfied with keeping her for Fantasy Suites.
ROSES for Becca, LB, and TAXIDERMIST! Tattler Tia is heartbroken and asks Eerie what she did wrong and why she's not good enough and now I'm heartbroken. HE FUCKING SUCKS GIRL!!!! Eerie tells her "there's just something missing... not about your worth." It's not about your worth. You just don't look like my Mom like, AT ALL.
Lord Harrison welcomes the women to Tuscany. He gives them the numbers breakdown for the week so they're the correct amount of stressed for each date. He's really sleeping through this speech though: "Great dates... Fun... Arie... No pressure."
Tinkerbex does calculations this whole ep: “It’s almost half of us going home.”
Eerie painfully attempts Italian words throughout this episode. "Casually" leaning against a car, he yells at her: “Ciao, bella!”
Eerie: “Andiamo which means let’s go!”
Becca: “[Traveling with Eerie] is just telling of real life… I went to San Diego with my ex once and that was about it."
Becca: “Never question my feelings for you… I wouldn’t be here.. to be able to open up to you and get to that point.”
Eerie: “I like that.” Pillow Time. Watching Eerie’s hand graze Becca’s arm sends shivers down my spine.
Back at the Hotel…
Jacqueline's having "swirling" doubts and can’t picture Eerie having conversations with her parents.
Back on the Date…
Becca tells Eerie whom he’ll meet in her family who will ask him hard questions. Eerie: “They want honest answers. I love that.” HE SAYS I LOVE THAT ABOUT EVERYTHING I HATE THAT. How can she be into him?
Becca: “I can see a future.”
Pillow Time. Eerie: “That makes me happy.” Becca gets rose. Becca: “I’m not going to say anything stupid right now because I’m so excited.” That was stupid.
Eerie: “I loved today.” Fuck. You. Eerie puts his finger on Becca's mouth during Pillow Time.
Jacqueline’s Knock Knock
Jacqueline goes to Eerie's room. Eerie: “You’re shaking. Are you OK?” Jacqueline: “I’m going to have a sip of your wine.” Eerie: “What’s going on? Am I going to have to drink more wine?”
Jacqueline: “I had this moment of doubt on our date. I wasn’t ready to listen to it at the time… There have been these swirling doubts since then.”
Eerie: “You understand it doesn’t have to happen right away right?”
Jacqueline: “There are women here who are completely confident. I don’t know how to stay when that’s the case. I’m sorry... I’m also just outrageously attracted to you.” Pillow Time. Mixed messages Jacqueline. Jacqueline strokes his thigh then cries into his chest. What is she doing??
Eerie: “If you have any regret you come back to me.” Then she leaves.
Jacqueline sits on the floor crying. Jacqueline: “He’s so unbelievably lovable. Hi Arie you’re perfect in every way and yet I still don’t think I can marry you. OK. See ya... I think I suck at being happy.” I think you’re trusting your gut that this dude suuuuuuuucks.
LB’s so boring jesus christ. She says a bunch of words. Eerie does the coolest bike trick he knows.
LB re: setting: "It’s very Italian." Eerie: "Yeah." The fact that these conversations made the cut means they somehow filmed scenes that were even MORE boring. Eerie: “Pizza in Italy, check!”
Back at the Hotel…
The women discuss the possibility that the connection has to be mutual with Eerie as if it's a huge revelation. Becca: “We have to give those feelings back to him.”
Tinkerbex continues to math: “1/3 of us are going to go home.”
Back on the Date…
LB: “I want to toast to breaking down our walls.”
LB: “I feel like I’m starting to fall in love with you... “You seem like you have something to say about that.” Eerie: “I need to be right back.” Eerie LEAVES THE FUCKING TABLE.
Eerie: "I’m sorry about that." He’s not even going to say why he left? Eerie: “I really do see something between us… So with that, Lauren will you accept this rose?” LB: “Absofrickinlutely.”
LB: "Arie told me he’s falling deeply in love with me." Did he? Ugh, just realized we're going to have to watch an LB hometown.
Eerie: "I have to really feel those emotions with Seinne." COOL. Daww there’s cute truffle puppies. It sounds like this Italian truffle man keeps yelling MAGA! Eerie, the COMPLETE LACKEY HE IS, does a truffle digging metaphor: “I do dig Seinne. But can I dig deep enough?”
Seinne has to do a pre-hometown date with a random Italian family. Eerie: “I used to work at a pizza place.”
Later at Dinner…
Eerie: “Something’s off.” He can't quite put his finger on it... Eerie sends Seinne home.
At the Hotel...
They take Seinne’s bags away. Math time! Tinkerbex: “My odds just went up!”
Villa Group Date
Have they ever done a 3-on-1? Eerie comforts the women: this villa is “crazy cool.” Taxidermist feels confident: "Our moments have been great."
Taxidermist: “I’m extremely close to my family.”
Eerie: “I love that.” Drink.
Tinkerbex to Tia: “At times I have been like I want to go home." Tia's confessional: “I feel like it is my duty to let him know… I’m looking out for Arie.”
Tattle Tia to Eerie: “I feel like she may be on a different page than the rest of us.” Eerie: “I wouldn’t really harp on that too much.”
Tia: “The one constant thing has been my feelings for you.”
Eerie: “I love that.” Pillow Time.
Tia: “I love your lips.”
Eerie: “I love your lips.”
Tia tells Tinkerbex that she raised her doubts with Eerie. Tinkerbex starts crying.
Tinkerbex: “I don’t like when I’m not seen for who I really am... I feel like I just got kicked in the stomach.” Eerie takes some deep Krystal breaths with her and asks if her parents will care about the age difference. Tinkerbex tries to prove her maturity with her white hairs. Eerie gives Kendall the first rose and puts her in a limo. Now it’s a Two-on-One. Colorful Narrator/Tattler Tia: “Whoa Nelly.”
Tinkerbex vs. Tia
They force the women to sit facing each other, waiting for Eerie.
Eerie pulls Tia first. Tia: ”Comparison is a bitch.” Eerie acts as if Tia's being unreasonable in not chillaxing rn: “You stress too much.”
Tia: "I’ve never given my heart to someone who can [protect it]."
Eerie pulls Tinkerbex. Tinkerbex: “There’s parts of me to still see.” Eerie: “I know.”
Eerie is paralyzed by her getting him to picture their Fantasy Suite and can't speak English: “So much of this is trying to be logic, you know?”
Tinkerbex: “It’s going to feel magical to get the rose. Ugh!”
Eerie’s contouring is out of control. Wowwww he sends Tinkerbex home! Tia throws her head back in relief to be done with this step of the torture marathon. Tia: "Arie’s coming to Arkansas!" Tinkerbex graciously leaves: “It’s going to end well for you. I know it is.” Tinkerbex cries in the limo: "It’s hard for me to accept that this journey is over." It's hard for me too.