You know what my favorite thing about living in a fascist kleptocracy is? They still allow for Bachelor Nation to operate within as an independent sovereign state.
Becca's season of The Bachelorette starts next week and they've posted the contestant bios. However will the producers find a man of enough quality to make Becca forget her ruthless national dumping by that weird, old creep Eerie?!
They've cut down on the get-to-know-you questions and only give a couple sentences about each one so I'm doing GOD'S WORK and finding the more interesting shit on IG for you guys.
They only tell us Alex works in construction in Atlanta, loves boats, and has a dog named Donzi.
In 98% of his IG pics he's topless on boats surrounded by babes. If this photo doesn't get your uterus itchin then I don't know what will.
Blake is looking for Miss Independent and "has a secret talent... he's a great swing dancer!" Not sure it's a secret talent if it's one of the very first things you list on this national dating show's website.
Blake has way too many close pictures with his sister. His secret talent is just to distract you from his forbidden romance. #platonictho
Chase is an ex-college-baseball-player who now works in advertising in Florida and he definitely looks like he works in advertising.
He's photoshopped dumb inspirational phrases onto travel pictures and douchey selfies where he looks like a stock photo "businessman".
Chris is another Floridian and is determined to retire in his 40's. Selling shit on Instagram is basically retirement so he's in the right place if he can survive the early round cuts.
His IG has a section for "Grinding" which I've now learned means skateboarding... He's drinking with a ton of dudes in most of his pictures so he's prepared for all the drunken brotime he's about to endure.
Christian is another ex-athlete -- semi-professional soccer. He's from Mexico, has tats, and his greatest date fear is "spilling on himself in front of our Bachelorette." He's got no IG so it's very confusing why he's signed up for this show.
Christon is a new spin on a former athlete, a Former Harlem Globetrotter. He hopes "finding love with the Bachelorette will be a lay up." God damnit.
Clay is a CURRENT ATHLETE! He "has come a long way from his small town in the outskirts of Chicago" and now lives in... Chicago...
STOP THE PRESSES! His IG says he's a 9-year NFL VET. Another former athlete. Sports is starting to sound like a real chancey career... Ya bro, I got drafted to the Saints but hopefully will make the easy transition into being on The Bachelorette pending any injuries... He's also a "self-proclaimed Historian" and I hope this means he'll take the minutes on the drama of the house. I hereby declare that 45% of my competitors are secretly homosexual!
Andddd another former football player. Colton is 26 and has a dog named "Sniper" and I'm out. He's already selling shit on IG.
His pic with an actual gun says: "If God blesses me with a daughter, I'll be ready." If you don't think this is hilarious you're a liberal cuck.
In 20 years he's going to be this mega-douche. LOL!! You get it? I'm going to shoot my daughter's date if she exercises independence and makes her own choices with her body!!
Connor is another Floridian former athlete, current health and wellness coach. His IG says he's "God fearing ??" and he looks like a toolbag.
Just another Monday morning, casually hanging in my briefs and fearing God!
Darius is a world-traveler who loves to dance and wants to give back. He seems relatively fun and normal. Who tricked him into being here?!
David is a Venture Capitalist from Colorado who "loves guacamole but hates avocado." What?
Garrett lives in Reno, loves to fly-fish, and is constantly practicing his Chris Farley impression. None of that sounds depressing at all!!!
I immediately get dead-fish-Tinder-pics PTSD.
Grant's an electrician from Danville who thinks if Becca can "handle a healthy dose of sarcasm, there will be sparks!"
His IG says he's a boxing trainer/sketch comedian though. Are any of these "occupations" their actual jobs?! He has a ton of gym pics and looks like he can "yes, and" with the best of them.
Jake's a marketing consultant/dirtbike enthusiast from Minneapolis who writes poetry.
Jason is a Seattle banker who is obsessed with his Mom and loves singing Disney tunes. Please no.
He's luckily able to combine his love of singing/dancing with his love of his Mom and do both at the same time.
They must do heavy recruiting for this show in Florida. Jean Blanc is from Pensacola and works in finance while collecting cologne.
Jean Blanc's IG says he's a Humanitarian, an Economist, an Engineer, AND a Horologist (maker of clocks/watches). He's clearly obsessed with watches. That's SOOO Becca K.
Joe owns a grocery store in Chicago and while "successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, [he's] ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette."
John's a software engineer from SF who loves to bake banana bread.
His IG reveals he's very SF-- wearing a bunch of Venmo shit and working out near the Golden Gate Bridge.
Jordan's a male model from Florida who brags about his fast mile time.
His IG is a series of super waspy modeling pics.
Kamil's profession is listed as a "Social Media Participant." What? Do I actually have multiple jobs?? He's also a realtor and scared of spiders.
Kamil's IG is mostly him participating in disgustingly ripped topless gym selfies. You know what they say... happy exploding veins, happy life...
Leo's an LA native stuntman with a shit ton of hair.
According to his IG he's in the Waterworld stunt show!
Lincoln's one of the guys Becca already met. He's from Nigeria, Boston, and Kentucky and was named after the president.
His IG just makes me feel like he's already ghosted me.
Mike, 27, is a Football Analyst from Cincinnati and also has a shit ton of hair. He loves festivals and his dog Riggins. Let me guess. Someone once confused Mike with Tim Riggins. THAT PERSON WAS BLIND, MIKEY.
Nick's an attorney from Florida... He loves tracksuits and calls himself a "Weekend Warrior." Good lord.
He looks like the British dude from GREAT NEWS.
Rickey's wearing an insane outfit and is an IT Consultant/owner of a personal training company. He wants a "woman who can keep up with his lifestyle."
He's shirtless on most of his IG. I think he just doesn't know how clothes work because usually he's like "fuck clothes". Where's the first place you put your t-shirt when you rip it off for a hiking gram? The backpack you've carried up a mountain? Fuck no, ya cuck. On your crotch like an alpha.
Ryan is the banjoist/Wells-lookalike from After the Final Rose. He plays in his family's bluegrass band... huge red flag. He also loves sailing and "can't wait to make the Bachelorette his first mate."
This pig could be you!
Trent's midwestern but ALSO LIVES IN FLORIDA. The Florida recruiter for this show really deserves a raise. Trent's a realtor/model who has been on the cover of romance novels.
I was about to go looking for this and he just Instagrammed it right out. Ohmygawd.
Wills is an LA native Editorial Designer who loves Harry Potter and doesn't have an IG... Wingardium Suspiciosa...
Becca's selection seems pretty on par for this show. A few babes and a shit ton of toolbags and most of them seem like they don't eat pussy (DJ Khaled style). But at least she can truly only go up from Eerie...