Here she is. Do you women feel empowered now?
How about now?
The first image we see is Becca sobbing over polaroids of her and Eerie. Becca: "I went through everything and then more." We relive the infamous "unedited"-- but maybe actually edited a lot-- breakup. Becca wanders through the snow. Then it turns to spring.
She gets the keys to the state of Minnesota? She's still getting catcalled at her ripe age of 28 so that's good.
We then see a few egregiously long scenes of Becca doing trapeze yoga basically naked. Becca meets the previous Bachelorettes. Jojo describes Night 1 as: "the most hopeful night of my life." Yikes.
Rachel sages Becca’s pussy.
INTRODUCTION TO THE GUYS
The model is very entertaining and sociopathic. Model: "My brand is the pensive gentleman."
I can barely understand the Chicago grocery store owner's thick accent: "My dehd met mah mam..."
Clay seems super kind and normal and I'm not sure why he's here. Another devastating effect of CTE I guess.
We get to meet Colton's dog "Sniper" and we also get to meet his other giant red flag-- he's a 26-year-old virgin.
The Colognoisseur Jean Blanc shows us his episode of Hoarders where he bathes in watches and 5000 different colognes.
Becca chats with Lord Harrison. He says something like: "We're going to make this a great journey for you."
Colton makes her shoot confetti guns and marks his territory with all the loose confetti. The psycho model says something about sharks and "swimming at the prey". He also gives Bex approval of her outfit. Normal.
Leo lets his mane out of its cage.
A man dressed in a chicken suit justifies it by continuously yelling, "Beckaw!"
The model seems to have never watched this show before and has a heart attack at this Style Don't.
Chris S. looks like Ron Pearlman. Social Media Participant makes Becca walk to him and I want her to dump him on the spot. Someone brings a religious choir. She's got a lot of hot Black dudes. I wonder if they're trying to set up first Black Bachelor. Other highlights include someone bringing a cardboard cutout of Eerie (to make sure Bex never forgets her ex for one second) and a creep who jumps out of the back of a hearse (to make sure Bex never forgets her dead father for one second).
Christon dunks a hoop over Becca and it's terrifying.
The chicken man takes his mask off to prove he's still handsome.
Ron Pearlman brings up with Bex how he got intel on the sleazy ad guy, Chase, that he "might not have the right intentions." No shit he looks like a cartoon villain.
Sleazy ad guy Chase tries to defend himself to Chris: "She was my girlfriend a month... two weeks... Women, right?"
Sleazy ad guy tells Bex: "I was gonna get ahead of it." They all talk.
Sleazy ad guy: "Can I have the rest of the time?"
Bex recognizes this one dude Jake from home. She says he was never interested when she wasn't the Bachelorette. Jake the Snake tries to defend himself: "I’m one of the most romantic fucking people."
He TOTALLY should have said that he's gotten sober since then. Instead he comes up with nothing and Bex is not having it. She's so independent.
The fact that we're still pretending that "right reasons" exist and motivate the contestants is mind-boggling. Becca tells the boys Jake the Snake is out. THE MODEL'S FACE
It’s a power move to cut someone right away. Becca should just burn the first impression rose to scare the shit out of all of them. Garrett gets the first impression rose though.
Leo: "I’m looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers." BAHAHAHA.
The model argues he should stay to "have some eye candy going on." Becca REWARDS TATTLING and keeps Ron Pearlman Chris. She dumps Sleazy Chase, Social Media Participant Douche Kamil who made Becca come to him out of the limo, Christian, Grant, and Chicago Joe.