By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 5 (Air Date: 1/30/17)
Before I get into it, @BachelorClues captured Nick's soul in a video and this should be noted for the historical record:
We're back in the middle of Tiffany Trump and Constable Taylor's "emotional intelligence" squabble. Constable: "I just had to describe what emotional intelligence IS."
Tiffany Trump's super drunk at this point in her confessional: "I'm like, that's not what I'm fucking talking about, you dumb bitch."
Tiffany Trump tries to vaguely explain to Taylor how she acts like a bitch in the house telling her that she has "this stank look" on her face.
Constable Taylor's confessional: "Corinne you need to shut the fuck up and let me talk!"
Constable Taylor reenacts to Corinne how it would look if she pretended to like everyone: "I'm SO happy to see ALL of you!"
Tiffany Trump can't.
She also can't stop her empathetic heart though: "It hurts me FOR Nick."
Tiffany Trump: "The way you're feeling right now is the way I felt yesterday. Alone and sad." Constable Taylor stankly states: "I don't feel either of those things."
Tiffany Trump: "Well, you should, because half the people in there think that you're not here for the right reasons." Constable Taylor: "I don't see me being here for the wrong reasons and I don't see me not being nice."
Tiffany Trump confronts Nick: "I'm not going to be fake or a liar or anything like that." Nick: "Great!" Then she rips into Taylor, using Taylor's own arguments against her, saying how she ignores people in the house: "She just feels very entitled... I don't think she's 'here for the right reasons.'
Constable Taylor can't stand what an inefficient waste of time this all is: "It is SO unproductive."
Nick continues to dole out gold stars for the women's behavior: "I would encourage you to continue to show that maturity."
Tiffany Trump's confessional: "I smacked the shit out of her and she doesn't even know it."
Tiffany Trump attempts to be as many memes as possible: "I feel so good! I'm the queen! Hashtag winning. The Taylor Ship has sailed. Bye bitch."
The girls look so cold and tired.
Lord Harrison asks Nick about the drama. Nick maintains that he doesn't want to get into it and that: "Some of that stuff will work itself out."
Tiffany Trump: "Who looks stupid now bitch? See you never."
The women look FREEZING as the great torture experiment continues.
When is Nick NOT going to say this is the most difficult decision he's had to make? He should straight up be like actually this week was relatively easy. Several clear duds.
Josephine looks like she wakes up from a coma, completely disoriented, every time her name is called.
Tiffany Trump: "Hopefully he can just send that monster home."
The emotional rivals both get roses though.
DAMNIT ASTRID GOES HOME. And Sarah.
Constable Taylor's confessional: "[Corinne] can say whatever the fuck she wants to say... If shit is thrown at my face I’m going to catch it and throw it back."
They go to New Orleans...
Nick: "Couldn't be more excited about being in New Orleans."
He watches a child street performer do splits for him.
Dolphin Alexis imitates a Southern woman: "I like gators, grits, and a gooood time."
The girls dance in the streets and try on masks.
Lord Harrison greets the contestants
He delights in announcing the two-on-one date is this week so "one of you will probably be going home."
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel gets the one-on-one.
Nick asks Rachel a completely rhetorical question if she wants to go shopping or "just make out right here."
He answers the question for her and moves her around on his shoes.
Nick pretends to be an alligator, and cleverly improvs: "I'm going to eat you."
Next they have silly fun with food!
Next-Bachelorette Rachel: "At least oysters are an aphrodisiac." It would be fantastic if they fucked at the end of this date.
They show Nick eating a beignet for longer than they show the pair's entire conversation.
Not going to lie, this shit is porn for me...
One artist's rendition:
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel is delighted by this humanizing display.
A second line dance parade then approaches the couple. They give a black umbrella to Nick and a white umbrella to Rachel. They dance down the street and make out.
THEY DO THE PARADE ON THE ROAD OUTSIDE THE GIRLS' HOTEL ROOM SO THEY HAVE TO WATCH.
This is like Jojo and Ben’s date with the helicopter where the rest of the girls see them in the middle of their date. And she became The Bachelorette.
Nick then does a lot of creepy sociopath shit to Rachel while they're at a concert.
EXHIBIT A: NICK’S CLAW HAND.
EXHIBIT B: THE SOCIOPATH'S STARE
They then show an ad for "do you want to date our next Bachelorette?" BUT WHOEVER WILL IT BE?!?!?
Later at Mardi Gras World...
Nick and Rachel get to know each other in the presence of creepy clowns. Nick: "He's as cool as he is creepy."
Nick to Rachel re: waiting a long time for the one-on-one date: "Um, I like to think it was worth the wait."
Nick: "You surpassed all of my expectations." More of him treating it like a competition he’s in charge of.
Nick gleefully one-ups Rachel when she says her parents have been married 36 years. Nick: "38!"
Rachel reveals her Dad is a federal judge and Nick asks a bunch of dumb questions like, "Do I have to call him Sir?"
Nick then gets deep and says he's insecure about the fact that he's already asked two fathers for their daughter's hand in marriage.
Rachel reveals she's surprised how she has such strong feelings for Nick "this early on." Nick's response: "Well, good."
Nick GOES FUCKING ROGUE: "I might be breaking rules here, but I'm super into you."
Rachel's confessional: The girl I am now is not the girl I started this as. Really?
Honestly, he sucks so much, part of me's not buying it and thinks she might be in on it with the producers to become the next Bachelorette.
Back at the Hotel, Vanessa grabs the group date card...
They announce who's going on the group date and everyone reacts like they suddenly got a big deal to sell eye-masks on Instagram.
It's a Corinne and Taylor two-on-one!!!
Tiffany Trump offers her grand wisdom on the subject: "He's gonna choose who he wants to choose."
Raven always keeps it down-to-earth: "I think they would both fight to the death."
Plantation Group Date
Nick would be fired if he were a tour guide for this haunted plantation. He sucks at selling it.
Raven's got them covered on the religious ghost front: "I'm gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus!"
Danielle L believes in ghosts and she also believes this will somehow make this date "a little bit more of a challenge for [her] today."
Thankfully for this episode's sake, someone else takes over the role of tour-guide -- Boo, the creepy caretaker.
He tells them the plantation house is haunted by this child ghost and to not touch shit. All the group dates are literal torture exercises. Now all these adult women have to pretend to be into ghosts, ughhhhh.
Whitney speaks her first words on the show and now we all know why they don't ever show her: "Oh my god, I'm like so freaked out right now." Are you?
The group happen upon a Ouija board and Nick of his own volition suggests they play. The girls ask it life's important questions, such as who will get the group date rose and will Nick get engaged soon?
Then the lights go out. This group date is severely annoying me at this point.
They impose a fake lightning bolt on the scene.
Next they have a scripted scene where the creepy caretaker Boo paces back and forth: "They touched the dolly! ...Why did they do that?!"
Nick as if somehow on cue: "Let’s go explore. I want two volunteers." It’s literally like he’s the host of a gameshow.
The rest of the girls discuss the upcoming two-on-one. Josephine only hopes they're both "getting into the right mindset." The two-on-one mindset? Wtf is that.
Back at the Hotel...
We see both of their preparation activities. Tiffany Trump outlines how Taylor is "too high-maintenance" while we see her enjoy a spa and a gigantic room service meal.
Tiffany Trump: "Taylor thinks she's smarter than me and I'm not mature enough to be in a relationship with Nick." Then she gurgles her tongue as human beings do.
Corinne: "I’m people smart... Other kinds of intelligency. Is intelligency a word?
Back at the Plantation...
Nick continues to make terrible ghost jokes, including that he has an extra "woman to manage" counting the ghost... They're keeping this charade going on way too long.
Nick completely botches one of the only quotes he should know at this point. He says to his #1 Sycophant, Danielle L: "Absent makes the heart grow stronger." He could literally tell her he's killed her parents and she'd still make out with him though. Nick: "I’m worried you guys might not accept roses." Danielle L chuckles: "I don’t think that’ll ever happen."
OK now there's laser beams on the ghost eyes because nothing the fuck is happening.
Jasmine: "I thought you guys were setting me the fuck up. Now I do believe."
Back at the Hotel...
Next-Bachelorette reads the two-on-one date card to Tiffany Trump and the Constable.
Tiffany Trump to Rachel: "I hope he sees, you know, my golden heart."
Neither thinks she's going home.
Back at the Plantation...
Both Danielle M and Vanessa, who have admitted to people close to them dying in a traumatic fashion, are forced to wander around looking for ghosts. They ask the ghost their most pressing question, if they're "safe at the rose ceremony?"
Danielle M is worried she's falling behind in the romance competition.
She tests out an even more sensual hand caress this time though.
Nick's clearly freezing but no one will give him a jacket because Bachelor Nation demands to see how jacked he is at all times. So he starts doing weird shit with his sleeves like an emo middle school girl.
After their special time, Danielle M says their "relationship's gone a little deeper" (OTPHJ). Raven then reveals to Nick that she fell in love with him after one date when he was singing a song from The Little Mermaid.
Danielle M gets the group date rose though.
Tiffany Trump vs. The Constable
Tiffany Trump: "We just have very different minds. She's calculated and analytical. I'm more colorful."
Tiffany Trump: “Make America Corinne Again.” NOW YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE TIFFANY.
A tank-topped swamp man leaps into their boat.
Nick asks them to ignore the obviously awkward situation in order to "see if we can move these relationships forward." We’re literally watching two terrible people compete for another terrible person.
Constable Taylor's confessional: "I don't have a Nanny. I have a master's degree in clinical mental health counseling... He's picking between me, who has a higher level of emotional intelligence, and Corinne, who is a manipulative bitch." Tiffany Trump to all: "I love this!"
Constable Taylor: "If Nick chooses Corinne after today he's thinking with his dick."
They go into the deep bayou.
Symbols of death surround them.
Nick: "So today, we are going to really embrace our shurroundings." He says it exactly like this.
They meet a "voodoo priestess" and some other people dressed in white doing some weird shit in the forest.
She explains that voodoo dolls are misunderstood as being to harm but can be for good. Nick: "Always?" Voodoo Priestess yells at him: "NOT SAYING THAT, NICK!"
Next they meet a psychic who tells Nick to have a one-on-one with Tiffany Trump first.
Nick Pulls Tiffany Trump
The psychic reads Taylor's tarot cards and tells her she is "very emotional and very emotive" and to not engage the "toxic presence".
We then see warning signs from NATURE HERSELF. A bird flies away. We see an alligator bare its teeth while a monster GROWL plays.
Tiffany Trump shit-talks the Constable to Nick: "She emotionally attacked me. She basically called me stupid."
Nick is asleep: "How did that make you feel?" Tiffany Trump: "Bullied."
Nick Pulls The Constable
Tiffany Trump: "This butt doesn't belong in the swamp."
Nick to Taylor: "Obviously I just talked to Corinne. It was a bit surprising the conversation we had. Apparently she felt a bit bullied. You called her names like 'stupid.'"
Nick: "Added on by diminishing her um, sense of worth."
Constable Taylor: "She flat-out asked me 'What is emotional intelligence?'"
The psychic gives Tiffany Trump a voodoo doll, which she slowly stabs with a pin.
Constable Taylor: "All she tried to do was shit talk me... and that I called her stupid, none of which actually happened. You want to build a relationship with someone, their relationship will be built on whipped cream and lies!"
Taylor & Corinne sit awkwardly alone...
Taylor confronts Corinne about lying about her being a bully in the most bully fashion possible.
Tiffany Trump: "I can't believe you are a mental health counselor."
Constable Taylor: "Then I have the right to question that you run a multimillion-dollar company."
Nick gives his stump speech thanking them for being tough. He calls out even further how Taylor is not an emotional expert by saying he has more of an emotional connection with the winner of his special rose, TIFFANY TRUMP!
Nick: "I hate to say goodbye." He hugs her. She walks off.
They walk off.
She returns to the table so we can get the shot of her watching them boat away. This is great.
Tiffany Trump imitates Taylor and Sean Spicer in her confessional: "Dear diary, today I learned that Corinne is far from a fucking idiot and I feel like a pathetic loser for judging her. Period." As they boat away, Tiffany Trump clutches the rose and the voodoo doll together.
Meanwhile, back in the Swamp of Broken Dreams...
Constable Taylor decides that Tiffany Trump only got the rose because she lied. She asks the voodoo people to spin around in circles and bless her. Taylor: "I am certainly not the villain in this experience."
She surprises the couple, looking like a ghost herself. TO BE CONTINUED...
TAG: Nick puts on a mask of Dolphin Alexis's great fear, Nicholas Cage, and chases her around the house. He insists on making out with her while wearing the mask and she complies because she fucking better.
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase
By: Lizzy Pace
Alas, the end is nigh but at least we get to see Nick's response to Vanessa about his romantic intentions. We're back where we left off, with Vanessa questioning Nick why Tiffany Trump was dry-humping him in the Bouncy Castle of Sluts while the other girls were all having their Purity Fest Pool Party.
We hear Vanessa repeat her "Are you looking for a wife or someone to fuck around with" line. Vanessa: "I don't want to waste my time." Nick: "Liikeeee, I don't know."
Vanessa tries to use her modicum of rose power to make Nick take her plea more seriously: "I give a shit enough to give you back the rose."
Nick says a bunch of nothing: "I hope you don't... I mean, as far as Corinne, I mean, I like, I don't want to sit there and make excuses like-- you know what I mean?"
Nick has studied this fucking show to a tee. He's got the standard responses to women's concerns memorized and continues phoning it the fuck in: "I've been in your situation before. ... Like, um, I want you to share these things with me and let me know when you're pissed off and mad and you want to hit me in the face... I very much give a shit about what you say and think about me and my actions. Just try and be a little bit more patient, um, especially about Corinne, you know?"
He's not even responding to her. There's no, "sorry I made you uncomfortable" or "I'll try to be more sensitive to this". Just, "thanks for your feedback, I take it all into consideration."
Vanessa completely misreads his response and thinks that he's going to get rid of Tiffany Trump now.
Everyone else is also having a group meeting about how pissed off they are about Corinne. Constable Taylor is annoying the shit out of me. Taylor (SMUG AF): "Corinne has a plethora of issues-- the sexual aggressiveness, not to mention her blatant disrespect and zero maturity."
Astrid: "He likes her and like, that's why we're all intimidated." I am Team Astrid.
Lord Harrison crashes the party and says it's time for them to get ready for the Rose Ceremony. They should have to do the Rose Ceremony in their bikinis. Nick thanks the girls for all their honesty and shit that he's going to disregard due to horniness and the producers' picks.
Basketball Dancer Jasmine re: Tiffany Trump: "Where is she?" Why does she have to be there after she's already talked to him?
We see she's napping.
Sarah and Constable Taylor then decide to confront Corinne in her bed about her bad girl behavior: "so, we're going to tell it to you real."
Sarah brings up how the "bouncy house situation hasn't looked the best. To you it might not seem like a big deal, because you think things are OK with you and Nick." Taylor: "It's a feeling of being disrespected." Sarah: "You need to do yourself a favor right now and you need to pull it together. We who live with you think that it's you being entitled."
Tiffany Trump: "I'm not privileged in any way, shape, or form." Taylor to camera: "Corinne, yeah, you do have some privilege, and you have a fucking nanny."
Corinne: "I'm very like, annoyed at this moment. You know I've come to an agreement with myself, like 'Listen, you're not everyone's cup of tea.'"
Corinne is stepping it up this episode with her Corinnisms.
Corinne: "Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me? I don't know. I never will know. Get over it. You do you. You go, girl. Imma do me."
During break, Nick is in a commercial with the SEXY-AS-HELL Priyanka Chopra in which he insinuates that she would want to crash this season to be one of his contestants. LOLOLOL.
ROSE CEREMONY #1
Lord Harrison: "We GOT to talk about Corinne."
Ugh Nick is such a politician: "Um, I appreciate that a lot of the women express themselves." Reminds me of Trump's staffer's tweet.
They have this conversation while showing Tiffany Trump rubbing her eyes to remind us of all her sinful sleeping.
Corinne: "Like, let's not get our panties in a bundle over this."
Corinne: "Girls are haters, OK? I have a bunch of haters here."
Vanessa: "I think I'm just insulted for Nick by some of Corinne's actions."
Whitney gets a rose although she has yet to utter a single word on this show. Roses also go to most of Corinne's Haters.
Nick gives the final rose to Corinne. Someone out loud says, "Oh my God."
Constable Taylor has to pull Tiffany Trump back up on the riser.
Brittany is going home. So is Christen, who shoots Nick this NASTY look as she's leaving. Yeah, girl.
Brittany: "I always made fun of girls on this show who were crying and now I get it."
In Nick's post-rose-ceremony-cheers-speech, he tries to comfort the women about their fallen comrades: "Obviously that wasn't easy and I can see it obviously with all of you, just-- you know how close all of you are. And that -- that weirdly means a lot to me?"
Something wonderful happens. Tiffany Trump cuts in. No girl has ever given an end of rose ceremony cheers speech before! Corinne: "Guys, hi."
Tiffany Trump: "I'm so excited to be here and I'm so happy."
We get a brief insert shot of Corinne to camera: "Now I get to make out with Nick for another week. Come and get it, Nick."
Then she grabs her tits.
Back to her speech to the ladies: "I just feel like we're all so privileged and honored to be here for you."
Tiffany Trump: "And I feel like we should just take every day as *sighs* just great. Don't let a moment go by where you feel like you're not gonna be yourself. This is an amazing opportunity to find love and I feel like we all deserve it. So cheers to that, guys!"
Tiffany Trump: "I love the taste of victory."
Constable Taylor is pissed and worried about a future altercation: "It's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut. "
The Next Day.....
Lord Harrison greets the girls and congratulates them for still being there: "You should take a lot of pride in that." Jesus Christ. He's got an announcement that it's time to pack their bags, for Nick's hometown of Milwaukee!
The ladies excitedly travel to Wisconsin, some of them as baggage.
Dolphin Alexis has the grace of 1000 dolphins.
The girls have essentially been in a prison up until now so they freak out at the change of scenery. They nonsensically scream off their new balcony, "Hello, Nick!"
Then they celebrate a beach that is not even warm. Losing it...
Nick greets his parents who look the exact same age as him.
Nick discusses his hopes and dreams with them.
Nick's Mom makes Nick cry about true love and finding his own woman he can impregnate constantly every year for 11 years.
Nick's Dad echoes Bachelor Nation's sentiments: "We don't want to see you on the show again."
Nick greets the women in WowKe$ha with his signature dumb fake excited look.
Nick plucks Danielle L out of the group to go on the first date, leaving the women to stand around confused with some ducks.
DANIELLE L ONE-ON-ONE PASTRY DATE
Nick takes Danielle to all the local places in his hometown that he fucked girls in like the library, "like I used to like, just make out with girls."
Nick is WowKe$ha's celebrity and the local pastry chef has made his face into a cookie.
Nick confirms rumors of his fetish for anthropophagy: "Do I get to eat myself?"
Nick and Danielle decorate cookies of each other.
Then they make the poptarts fuck each other.
Danielle L: "My god your tongue is black!"
Danielle L: "I can't wait to see what else in store." It's Nick's ex-girlfriend, who happens to be sitting in a shop window all mic'ed up. Danielle L is the ONLY one surprised by this encounter.
Nick: "This is so trippy." Amber: "Right?!"
Nick to Amber: "You look great. In a great way." He compliments women like he is bestowing them with value. Amber asks Danielle L: "Is there anything that's like, digging in you?"
Danielle L asks why Nick's still single and Amber says he follows his "heart" which said to dump her and go on reality TV. Then Nick and Danielle L go lay in wet grass. Nick tells Danielle L they are in the field he lost his virginity in but don't worry, not the exact same spot, because "that would be weird".
Danielle L talks about her first boyfriend and how she was "such a prude" for rejecting all his "great romantic gestures." Is that what prude means? Nick does his signature pull-the-girl-into his-clutches-via-her-arm-move.
Nick: "Are you really glad you're here?"
Nick slaps Danielle's haunch.
Later that night...
Nick tries to make sure that Danielle L has flaws. He asks one of his deal-breakers, "did you ever go grocery shopping in sweatpants?"
Nick: "Do you have any like, obvious flaws?"
Danielle L tells Nick that her only flaw is that she's heroically overcome the hardship of her parents' divorce. Nick gives her the rose and then tells her he has another surprise. ANOTHER EX?!
They walk through a crowd of adoring fans to a live concert.
Nick: "It was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt" and I 1000% believe him.
The singer wears the same jacket as Nick looks like if Nick had experimented a little in meth and gotten slightly electrocuted.
They make out in front of the crowd of women and Danielle's heart is a flutter.
FARM GROUP DATE
Back at the house, the rest of the women feign excitement for being on another group date.
The names leave off Raven which means she has the next One-on-One.
Raven is more excited that Tiffany Trump didn't get it than that she got it: "Everything is good in the world and everything makes sense now!"
The group date is super shitty. They're at a farm.
The girls "walk in" on Nick feeding a baby cow.
A terrifying man tells the women they will be doing farm chores.
We only get to see Tiffany Trump's negative reactions to this hellish premise.
Tiffany Trump: "I wouldn't even make my nanny Raquel do farm chores."
Nursing Student Josephine: "I have fed the cow!"
Nick is awkward AF trying to milk the cow. The girls ask if the teat is hard.
Jaimi's reaction is bizarre: "Nick, come on, haven't you handled some teats?"
Jaimi does it and excels and then admits she dreams about milking cows.
Astrid is clearly on the same page as Tiffany Trump but we don't get to hear her take for it would make Corinne seem less spoiled.
Next they shovel shit.
Tiffany Trump just wishes she was at a spa being fed a nice chicken taco or sushi.
Tiffany Trump goes and sits on a rock, complaining of her frozen fingers, "I can't move them."
Master of Metaphors, Sarah: "I don't know if it's the cow shit or the bull shit but I smell shit."
Tiffany Trump: "But I had a serious hand situation."
GROUP DATE COCKTAIL HOUR
Nick to Kristina: "You have such a zest for life... I love watching you."
Meanwhile, Tiffany Trump is "starting to get the vibe" that people don't like her. She eavesdrops, "I see you!"
Astrid: "We're seeing him potentially make a wrong decision."
Kristina: "If she were to make it to the end and have this kind of lifestyle, can she handle it?" God, I hope Tiffany Trump wins. I'm pretty sure Nick has almost the exact same lifestyle as her...
Tiffany Trump goes into a metaphor about how she's corn, "You got to peel the layers back. And then in the middle is this luxury, yellow corn, with all these little pellets of information. And it's juicy. Buttery. You want to get to that corn. Nick needs that corn."
Vanessa gives Nick a book of hot pictures of herself that her students made for him.
It reads: "Vanessa is beautiful" but she has other qualities...
Tiffany Trump confronts the group about the "comments and whispers." Sarah asks if she's ready "to marry a 36-year-old man" because when she sees her she "sees purple bouncy house."
Tiffany Trump: "I know that you were really upset about me falling asleep that day for some reason. I'm sorry for sleeping, guys."
Tiffany Trump: "Oh my God! Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. And I'm in trouble for napping?"
Corinne: "I don't think age has anything to do with being ready to get married at all. I had a stressful week that week. Me and Nick had a really fun time and I'm happy that I did that. And I wouldn't stay in an uncomfortable situation if I really didn't have feelings for Nick." Sarah: "I would do anything to be here. Like step through shit to be here."
Tiffany Trump: "I lost circulation in my fingers and I almost had to go to the hospital for it."
Kristina to Corinne: "There's gonna be a lot of negative comments about you... You were literally walking into a lion's den."
Tiffany Trump: "I had a very serious medical condition." Kristina: "I'm not stupid."
Tiffany Trump: "I had a panic attack, KRISTINA."
Corinne thinks Kristina is personally attacking her and she walks away. Corinne: "We're fighting for a fiance here, not a pickle."
Tiffany Trump tells Nick she had a good talk with the girls and there will never be problems again. Nick tells her he knows what it's like to "feel isolated" in a similar situation.
Tiffany Trump: "It was more of an adult convo, like we didn't kiss."
Kristina's zest for life gets her the group date rose.
RAVEN'S ROLLER SKATING ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Nick introduces Raven to his sister Bella and they help coach her soccer team.
Then he introduces her to his parents on the sideline. Raven asks the most pressing questions, "Did you have to spank him a lot?"
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOUSE...
Constable Taylor bathes with a fully clothed Danielle M, bitching about Tiffany Trump.
Constable Taylor: "This is how many fucks I give and how much chill I have left in me." GIRL THOSE ARE THE OPPOSITE.
RAVEN AND NICK AT SKATELAND
Nick and Raven begin at the arcade with Nick's little sister Bella.
There's an unaddressed small child trapped in the claw game.
Nick leads a train of Bella's soccer team in roller skating. He is UNCONSCIONABLY good at roller skating.
Bella interrogates Raven about how much she likes kids as Nick glides by, unnoticed and starving for attention in the background.
Bella: "I really want another sister-in-law."
Nick's wearing a very aggressive deep V for this date.
Raven is impressed by his mini wheel skills and blinded by the Deep V. They make out.
MILWAUKEE ART MUSEUM
Next they go to a cool museum. Did Raven design all of her own outfits? They are very... intricate. Raven: "I'm more than just a roller-skating partner, I'm a good partner in life!"
Raven tells Nick the fun story of how she caught her last ex cheating on her and then she beat the shit out of him with the girl's stiletto.
She goes into a lot of, arguably, unnecessary detail.
They talk about how they've both felt shame getting cheated on and Nick is digging her. I'm distracted by how cool the building is.
Then they briefly roller skate through the museum. NICK CROUCHES TO SPEED SKATE.
Raven on her first date where she's actually been alone in the same room with Nick: "I'm falling in love with Nick."
Constable Taylor is pissed that Danielle L grabs Nick first even though she has a rose already: "nothing urgent was at stake tonight".
She decides to crash their convo but waits awkwardly clutching her arm as Danielle L finishes her prepared paragraph about how their relationship is progressing.
Nick: "Thank you very much for sharing."
Tiffany Trump and Nursing Student Josephine meanwhile binge eat and attack the Constable.
Tiffany Trump: "I'm hungry and I'm disgusted."
Nursing Student Josephine calls Taylor a hypocrite. Tiffany Trump: "Of course!"
Tiffany Trump calls Constable Taylor over to the One-on-One firepit to discuss how she was being mean to her in front of the group. Taylor tells her she doesn't have the "emotional intelligence" to handle marrying Nick and then patronizingly explains the various types of intelligence. Tiffany Trump: "You made me cry in front of the group."
Tiffany Trump: "In the utmost respect, let's stop playing, you know, Miss Proper... You're treating me like an idiot. Don't tell me I'm stupid."
Constable Taylor: I don't get the feeling this "is making sense-- or getting through to you?"
Tiffany Trump calls the Constable "stuck up" and says, "I'm not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company."
Constable: "I'm not trying to treat you like an idiot, Corinne."
Tiffany Trump: "So stop treating me like I'm a fucking idiot, TAYLOR."
Constable Taylor re: her emotional intelligence level being lower: "That sounds mean but it's the fucking truth."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Upcoming Scenes: Constable Taylor and Tiffany Trump Two-On-One?!?!?!
Tag: Dolphin Alexis is on this show just to provide the tags. She tells Nick her two biggest fears are Nicholas Cage, the actor, and aliens.