By: Lizzy Pace
It's Gossip Morning in the Bachelor Mansion. It's the day following Nick's One-Night-Stand-Liz reveal that they'd had bad sex. The girls who were on the date relay the info to the others. Apparently Christen got the group date rose after all of that, probably to try to motivate her to not share any more of Liz's dirty deets...
I hate when the rose ceremony timing gets off and my level of emotional energy is discombobulated for how early in the episode we are. Nick greets the girls in a normal fashion for the cocktail party by saying, "Let's get comfortable."
Nick: "Um, and I don't know what's out there in the house... We had sex."
He then tries to explain how he's still a good person because he asked for Liz's number. Then he says feel free to ask me any questions, "I'm an open book."
None of the women leave as Nick feared. Instead, the women compete for who can seem the most chill about Nick's sexual past.
Danielle L. straight up doesn't give a shit about the news and just wants to make out.
Danielle tells him she's a big fan. Nick: "That's good. You're someone I'm very intrigued in -- on -- aaaand on?"
One girl says she's fine with this but she won't be fine if he fucks someone else "before the Fantasy Suite."
Meanwhile, our villain Tiffany Trump has gotta Vil. She's upstairs practicing taking a trench coat off over and over again.
Tiffany Trump: "I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm."
Meanwhile, Canadian Hailey tries to woo Nick w/ marshmallows.
Tiffany Trump has finally perfected the trench coat rip off maneuver and joins Nick outside.
They talk about how comfortable they are together.
Tiffany Trump is so comfortable she breaks out the REDDI WHIP.
Nick says to the girl who was 18 when he turned 30: "You are a treat."
They put a black box over Corinne's tit. Nick: "Corinne is good at stimulating chemistry." Corinne asks Nick to now take the whipped cream off her boob. Nick "begrudgingly" acquiesces.
Meanwhile, the other girls brainstorm why Corinne had gotten out whipped cream as a prop and whatever could it be for?!
Tiffany Trump fudges up the rest of her plan, "Well, this is me in a trench coat." She briefly flashes Nick her boob.
Jasmine walks up and Nick grabs her to come over. Oh hey! A boner killer right when I needed it! Nick knows firsthand how much drama sleeping w/ someone before Fantasy Suites can fuck shit up with the other contestants. Tiffany Trump does not take this well.
There are brief shots of girls upset at how Nick is acting with Corinne.
Tiffany Trump is blacked out and upset about her trench coat/whipped cream combo not being able to get Nick to impregnate her right on the front lawn.
THERE IS A COMMERCIAL FOR REDDI WIP after this. Did they pay her to do this spot? Or did Bachelor producers bring this episode to Reddi Whip? Very curious about the order of these happenings.
Nick thanks everyone for being here and they're all special etc. etc. IS NICK EVER GOING TO STOP PHONING IT IN GUYS??? THIS SHOULD BE THE PINNACLE OF HIS LIFE. IT'S ALMOST LIKE ALL THE SELFIE SNAPCHATS WERE BUILDING UP TO NOTHING?!!????
Nick notices a certain energy is missing.
The audience gets the answer, seeing a shot of Corinne asleep. Someone has placed her rose on top of her.
Nick apologizes for Corinne not being there? And then hands out roses.
Alexis: "Move, bitches." She's fun.
They keep cutting to asleep Corinne.
Jasmine does a prayer and then announces she thinks she's going to throw up after she gets a rose.
I don't think Josephine understands what's going on at all.
Canadian Hailey, Camel Lacey, and someone named Elizabeth who I swear already went home, go home.
Canadian Hailey is just wearing a bra and a sweater?
Backstreet Boys Group Date
The next day, Lord Harrison gathers the women. He pointedly says: "Corinne, you look rested." That's the extent of chiding her for not following the rules-- they can't piss off their only villain.
Lord Harrison heavily hypes the first group date and brags that, "We've outdone ourselves... If you are on this group date your minds will be blown!"
Suddenly, Backstreet Boys music blasts from the stereos. But that's not all. The Backstreet Boys dance their way into the Bachelor Mansion living room!
I truly don't think I would recognize any of these people on the street.
The women do a Sing Along with the BB.
Therapist-Taylor brags to everyone: "If I wasn't on this date I would be so really, really sad."
Tiffany Trump explains that she only knows how to Mom Dance.
The BB reveal that they're only doing this Bachelor episode to promote their Vegas Residency Show.
The women have to learn a dance and compete for who gets serenaded by the BB with Nick.
This show makes two things clear re: dance skills. Danielle L is a good dancer and Tiffany Trump struggles.
Tiffany Trump blames her "very bad short term memory."
Tiffany Trump: "My confidence is rubbing off on everyone else but me."
Tiffany Trump: "Nick is glaring at another girl." She uses glare to mean oggle?
Corinne runs out. "I'm not a crybaby." She just doesn't want to have to memorize the dance. I get that but I would've 100% faked an injury instead.
Jasmine as a professional dance bitch says Corinne should "just go with it."
Next they perform in front of a 500-person concert.
Nick does a weird gangster walk to get onstage. Can someone make this into a gif? The photo does not convey how dumb this looked.
**UPDATE** Thank you @BachelorGifs!
The women have to grind up on the aging band members.
Tiffany Trump: "I'm basically blacked out." Jasmine is really going for it.
This is edited towards Danielle L winning despite Jasmine's best efforts.
Danielle L. "wins" the serenade.
This is the worst prize. The BBs sing at Danielle L. and Nick.
This appears to be the first time Corinne notices that other girls are dating Nick.
Corinne: "This is my worst nightmare repeated over and over and over and over."
They edit this sequence with blurs like Tiffany Trump's going to faint. Corinne: "This is not a joke anymore."
"This was the worst day in my life." Not shocking.
Later that night at Cocktail Hour
Tiffany Trump "had" to grab Nick first again. She's got an insanely high-slitted dress on, trying to dress in opposite-trench-coat wear this time.
Corinne gives the least sincere apology for missing the rose ceremony the previous night: "I apologize for not being there." Nick DGAF.
Tiffany Trump complains she is not good at "Planned Dancing."
Tiffany Trump: "I made Corinne great again."
Tiffany Trump leaves Nick. She then goes: "I need to sleep for a second" and sleeps on a couch.
Jasmine, already thwarted by not winning the date that is her job, questions how Corinne is asleep and yet had "all that energy for whipped cream."
Nick grabs Danielle. She says she felt like she was back in high school when they were serenaded and that she can like, "see [herself] falling in love with [him]."
They make out and Nick tries several different versions of hand placement, trying to avoid her boob.
Nicks hands finally settle on Danielle's ass.
Tiffany Trump regains consciousness and declares that her nipple had popped out again unbeknownst to her.
RE: Kids? Tiffany Trump: "I can't handle a baby. I need to get Raquel ready for that."
She reveals all of Nanny Raquel's duties and special skills to the girls: "She makes sure that my bed is made every morning, makes my cucumber, and my like, vegetable slices for lunch. She makes me lemon salad... cheese pasta."
Jasmine asks if she washes her own clothes. Tiffany Trump: "She just does it. And you know what? It makes her happy. And I'm not gonna stop a woman's happiness." Jasmine can't even.
Jasmine falls. Why are they showing this for no reason?
Nick sounds wasted. He gives the rose to Danielle L. which is a giant shocker.
Tiffany Trump is not worried. She knows Nick didn't give her a second group date rose to save her from having a "target" on her back.
Vanessa's One-on-One Date
Nick looks so stupid in Aviators bahahahahhaha.
Nick and Vanessa go in a zero g plane. Nick does a bizarre Duck Dance repeatedly.
Nick: "You can't control what you do."
Nick tries to make out with Vanessa.
Vanessa starts to get nauseous.
Vanessa vomits. Vanessa: "So not sexy."
Nick: "I don't care."
Nick not only doesn't care, but he seems to try to get closer to her as she's vomiting than when she's not.
Nick makes out with her after she vomits and they've both had gum. "Tastes fine!"
Later that night...
Nick takes Vanessa up a tall building to try to see if he can get her to hurl again.
Vanessa tells Nick her grandfather passed away right before she came so now she knows he's with her in this journey. Vanessa re: Nick, "He's the total package." Is he? Ask him what his job is.
Nick starts fucking crying about how Vanessa gives him hope in this process.
If I were her I'd think I'm winning. He gives her the rose.
Track & Field Group Date
Brittany loses her fucking shit and almost sprays wine everywhere when she hears she's going on an athletic date.
Apparently Nick used to run track.
Nick tells the girls his "friends" are going to help them out with this date.
His friends are all former Olympians!
Carl Lewis explains they're going to be competing in a series of events, a Nickathalon.
Lawyer Rachel says she "could track and field Nick all day"???
Astrid regrets not wearing a more serious sports bra but then posits that it might help her get the rose.
They shoot an arrow into Nick's heart.
Dominique is hoping today is her day to shine since she's fallen behind with Nick but she's not good.
Next they high jump onto Nick's naked torso.
Three girls move onto the next round. I guess Brittany was DEAD WRONG to be spilling-her-wine-excited about an athletic date cos she ain't in the top 3.
The final competition is a race wherein they have to grab a ring and run to a hot tub where Nick will be waiting. Nick does this pose.
Rachel wins but she overshoots the ring and breaks it.
Astrid is last but she grabs what's left of the ring and runs to the hot tub.
Nick cheerses her "to kind of winning and doing whatever it takes."
That evening during cocktails...
Nick grabs Astrid first by saying, "Would you love to talk with me?" WOULD YOU JUST, LOVE IT?! Ugh.
Dominique is upset by this for a different reason, "This is the worst case scenario."
Rachel pulls her aside: "I feel like you got in your head."
My friend thinks they are pushing hard for Rachel as next Bachelorette and I'm into it.
Dolphin Alexis knows what would be Nick's greatest fantasy, grabs Nick and makes out with him on top of a poster of his naked torso.
Jaimi says she hopes Nick doesn't think she's "the weird lesbian." Nick can't send someone home the week that they say they're bi so she's safe.
Rachel: "I've had extreme cabin fever and I hold it against you... I'm just happy I got out of the house."
Nick: "You seem to be very much yourself." What other pithy insights will he come up with this week?!
Dominique confronts Nick and says, "You haven't given me a fair chance."
Nick wants to ask who are you but instead he says, "Like, tuh-day?"
Nick says he doesn't know if their relationship can make up for the fact that it's behind and that he doesn't "want to string anyone along."
Jaimi freaks out that Nick sent Dominique home. The other girls call it "respectable."
Rachel gets the group date rose.
Lord Harrison tries to scare the girls by saying Nick doesn't want to have a cocktail party. Then he pulls out, "he wants to have a pool party! So, you have an hour."
We're watching them all put sunscreen on?
The girls take off Nick's clothes immediately on arrival.
Jasmine starts kissing Nick and Nick says, "Not right in front of everyone!"
Corinne appears to have found a surrogate Nanny PA who sets up a bouncy house for her in the front yard. Nick: "I love how fun and playful Corinne is."
Tiffany Trump treats the bounce house like a fun and playful private hotel room.
The girls spy on their dry-humping. Dolphin Alexis flips them off.
The girls are less into how "fun and playful" Corinne is.
Tiffany Trump: "Today was like a fairy-tale dream, right?"
Tiffany Trump: "And I feel like you're my, like, prince."
Nick leaves Corinne looking like he just banged her.
Corinne does the one activity she can think of other than seduce Nick, sleep! She literally only becomes conscious to fuck Nick.
Something wonderful happens here. Usually, the tattle gets sent home. This time all the girls band together and each tells Nick they think Corinne is a piece of shit. Raven: "I think you are making a huge mistake with one of the girls."
She tells Nick about Nanny Raquel.
Raven: "She did not know how to clean a spoon."
Vanessa: "I see you riding her." It was two seconds enough.
Vanessa pulls out a killer, feminist, episode-ending quote: "I'm not judging Corinne. I'm judging your actions... Are you looking for a wife or someone to fuck around with?"
TAG: Josephine sings directly into Nick's face, begging for a one-on-one. She is not long for this world.
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase
Where to begin. Holy fucking train wreck.
The girls try to settle into "Normal life in the Bachelor Mansion." Lawyer Rachel hasn't slept. Canadian Hailey lives a nightmare and can only think "Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick" now. The girls do an early morning group cheer for Nick.
Lord Harrison calls them all in to give them another lecture on dem's the rules. Lord Harrison: "It is physically impossible for all of you to have dates each week" so they all need to savor every fucking last drop of their time with Nick.
He gives them their first group date card. The girls are still new to this process so they cheer on other girls getting dates. The first group called piss their pants, grab their extensions, and jump into awaiting Barbie cars outside the mansion.
Wedding Group Date
They arrive at a different mansion where an eccentric photographer, Franco, tells them they'll be doing a wedding-themed photoshoot wherein "he"/the producers have chosen wedding "characters" for them to portray that will bring out the most drama. Nick is INCREDIBLY lame at pitching the 'fun' group dates to the girls. He's just tired. He's been partying every night for three years.
The categories of costumes are types of Brides, Bridesmaids, and Brittany, who just gets a leafy bikini bottom because of how Adam and Eve are so closely tied to the idea of weddings...
Dolphin Alexis, this season's sacrificial class clown, gets Shotgun Wedding Bride. Alexis: "I had no idea what a shotgun wedding was. I thought I was gonna be like, hot and sexy with guns."
Tiffany Trump brags about how she's "full of number ones". She loudly pronounces she's going to kiss Nick again in front of Taylor. I finally figured out what TV character she's emulating. Stassi from Vanderpump Rules.
Corinne starts to freak out that Brittany's naked costume will outshine her.
Corinne: "Brittany is half naked and that's freaking me out. I feel like she looks so cute in the topless outfit. She better not steal my thunder or I will literally punch her in the face." Stassi HAS to be her inspiration for her weirdly violent threats.
This photoshoot is all about Nick getting to know the girls in a fun first date activity! Aka directly comparing the women for how hot they are in an ANTM-esque competition setting wherein they're forced to one-up each other's sexcapades to stand out! Franco encourages Sarah to get in Nick's crotch and says "somebody needs a little spanking."
Dolphin Alexis's shoot is a confusing tableau of literal shotguns and Nick doula-ing her.
A few of the girls are forced to dress as bridesmaids and jealously look on as Nick makes out with each bride.
Nick makes out with Nail-Salon-Danielle L right next to Camel Lacey. Lacey: "I'm literally right here."
The bridesmaids get sloppy seconds. Camel Lacey then kisses Nick: "Tastes like Danielle." Nick: "So weird."
Franco tells Nick and Taylor to kiss in a normal first date way that indicates "I knew you from before time."
Back at the Mansion...
They're editing Liz to come off very Swimfan. She coyly says, "I didn’t kiss him last night" to the girls. In her confessional: "I kissed him 9 months ago..."
Drink every time she says "Jade and Tanner’s Wedding". If I'm this Liz, I'm keeping that secret to myself as long as possible. When it blows up Nick will immediately have to decide whether to send her home.
Back at the Group Date...
Nick's milky thighs have emerged for their debut.
I feel like these semi-nude photoshoot group dates used to at least be done for some sort of good cause (not that exploiting people just for drama isn't a good cause).
Tiffany Trump scans this threat.
Brittany's finger lingers near Nick’s crotch during their photoshoot.
Brittany and Nick then make out.
All the girls cheer for Brittany and Nick making out... except for Tiffany Trump.
Tiffany Trump goes last and she will not be outdone. She takes Nick's top off.
She takes her own top off.
Next she makes Nick grab her tits in front of the rest of the girls in order to emulate Janet Jackson's Rolling Stone cover of course!
Franco and Tiffany Trump love it.
It should probably be noted that Nick is sexually harassed by all of the women during this date. Corinne forces Nick to grab her boobs and if the genders were reversed this wouldn't be so glossed over...
"Franco" picks Tiffany Trump as the winner of the photoshoot.
Evening Cocktail Hour
The girls are wondering if Nick is looking for someone who will "pop their tits out at any moment". Nick doesn't seem to be dissuading that idea.
He's barely present as he talks to the girls. He asks Raven rapid-fire questions, trying to get through her dating history as fast as possible. What happened? What did you learn? How did those experiences better you? OK TIME!
Tiffany Trump narrates how her time is most important. She says they are all there to "compete for Nick's time."
Tiffany Trump interrupts Taylor's time after already spending the most time with him this episode.
Barely there Nick acts like he's helpless in this circumstance once more.
Taylor walks off, pissed. Dolphin Alexis asks if Nick touched her bubble butt??
Taylor's untouched butt then gathers the gonads to steal Nick back from Corinne. Corinne is displeased.
Tiffany Trump draws the line at "re-interruptions".
Taylor tries to prove to Nick how observant she is of human nature: "I've noticed you, like, do this thing where like, you get a thought, and like, you kind of go with it, you know, like you're trying to like, get in the zone on, like, a certain topic. It's super attractive." Nick is asleep: "That's just who I am I suppose."
Later, just like Stassi, Tiffany Trump tries to pick a fight with Taylor when she's blacked out.
Tiffany Trump hilariously imitates Taylor to camera.
Then she goes into this long speech with the girls about how shit is going to be super awkward in this process.
The girls are pretty silent. Nick GIVES ROSE TO CORINNE YES. I love when they fall for the villain a la Ben Flajnik.
They must've asked a now super-blacked out Corinne: "would your Dad be proud?"
Corinne tries to explain her winning process to the girls: "I was just Corinne. XOXO Gossip Girl." Raven: "If he leads with sexuality, no wonder it's his fourth time." Hahahaaaaa yesssss girls are starting to realize they are almost ALL too good for him!!
The Next Day Back at the Mansion
Tiffany Trump brags to Camel Lacey more about her connection with Nick.
Corinne: "When I was talking to him, he was like listening. Guys don't listen to me."
Danielle M. One-on-One Date
Sweet Nurse Danielle M. gets the first one-on-one date.
She has the same silly high-pitched voice as Maria Bamford in Lady Dynamite.
Nick: "Cheers to not being at the mansion today." FREEDOM FOR A DAY.
People being nice normal human beings without drama? MUST CUT TO:
Back to the Mansion...
One-Night-Stand-Liz finally tells Kourtney Kardashian/Christen about her history with Nick.
Christen is shocked.
She says they were super drunk and it was super awkward which we all know means there was a lot of limp-mashing.
Back to the One-on-One...
Danielle M. basically asks Nick why he's done this four times. Nick gleefully recounts his history, again bragging about making it to the final two.
Danielle M. then shares her story of finding her fiance dead who had overdosed on drugs when she didn't even know he was an addict.
Nick responds in a horrible way: "Not only do I not think less of you but I admire you a lot more now, having learned about your past. I don't think you should ever feel embarrassed about that because you obviously loved him and I'm sure he loved you. I wouldn't forget about the good things. The way he made you feel that made you feel special. Um and I think those are important feelings to hold on to because you should try to replicate that, um, in future relationships."
Did she say she was embarrassed? Why the fuck would he ever comment on it like that?
Why is Nick condescendingly telling her what to do in future relationships? Nick gives her the rose in exchange for her tragic story and they go on a ferris wheel.
Danielle M deserves someone so much better than Nick. Nick deserves... Corinne?
Break-up Museum Group Date
Nick has the smarmiest smile of all time as he greets the girls.
Then he tries to give it his all to look excited.
They go to what has to be one of the worst date spots ever, The Museum of Broken Relationships. It's an extremely depressing museum where people leave shit of someone who dumped them. They put Nick's ring he picked out for Kaitlyn in one of the cases with a dead rose just for this scene.
Nick avoids eye contact with One-Night-Stand-Liz during this date and Christen notices. He responds to her with one word answers and then walks away from her.
Next they all see a "couple" "fight."
Kris Jenner then tells them they're going to put on small plays where each girl breaks up with Nick.
I wish to LORD HARRISON someone would take this opportunity to actually break up with him and take him down a few notches. Nick fails to go along with Astrid's premise that he gave her a rose previously, breaking improv's number one rule to "Yes, and".
Nick responds to the girls with LAME AF jokes. Dental Hygienist Kristina: "I care about your oral health." Nick: "SO wanted to take that somewhere."
Jaimi complains about Nick's theoretical facial hair strands on the sink. Nick: "You said you liked it." All of Nick's responses are so ugh. He is the worst.
Christen describes how she blow dried her hair for their date night. Nick: "Finally you’re starting to take care of yourself."
JOSEPHINE SLAPS NICK. Bahahahha. I wish they'd all actually break up with him in this manner in a line right after each other.
Christen is winning the award for best reaction shots.
One-Night-Stand-Liz is somehow last and she chooses this moment to publicly out Nick for their past. Nick keeps looking away and Liz calls him out.
Christen: "My jaw was dropped."
Nick rolls his eyes at her.
Jaimi is confused: "Liz really went into her storyline. Wait is she breaking up with him or what?"
Christen is so endearing: "This is crazy but like, life and love is crazy so..."
Liz finishes her ambiguous breakup. For a second I think she's ACTUALLY leaving and I'm proud of her and womankind. Nope.
Why would Liz choose this forum to out herself? Now I can't stop picturing a producer goading her into doing that.
Nick starts to get paranoid that Liz has told some of the girls their secret.
Group Date Cocktail Hour
Nick spends time with each woman but the show cuts off all the women's dialogue in response to his questions to keep airing his voiceover being worried about Liz.
Nick asks the women canned questions: "You know about my history. What about yours?" The only woman's answer we get to hear for a while is Jaimi's.
Nick: "...Am I competing with the other women?" That would be hilarious if they put a secret hot lesbian in the mix.
Christen brings up the Liz situation with Nick and he worriedly tries to figure out how much information is out there.
Christen tells Nick that Liz told her they had sex.
Nick begins nervously scratching his neck. "I didn't know that."
Christen tries to recover their conversation and is like I'm glad we can move forward honestly in our own relationship now although Nick's head is way the fuck somewhere else at this point.
I love that Nick has to tell everyone now!! Ahahaha. Nick is panicking.
In Nick's confessional, he wonders if Liz is using their one-night-stand as an excuse to be on TV.
Nick and Liz finally talk.
My friend points out that if you took a shot every time "Jade and Tanner’s Wedding" was said you’d be dead at this point.
Liz says she doesn't like telephones, she knew he was off shooting Paradise, and she didn't want to give off the wrong impression. Nick: "I was in Paradise for a month." Nick: "The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense."
Nick: "I had a great time."
But he tells her he's gotten the clarity he needs, doesn't see a future, and it's best for "both of them" if she goes home right this minute.
It would be hilarious if he breaks up with Christen immediately for damage control and keeps his secret hidden. He tells the women he sent Liz home though.
TO BE CONTINUED. GOD DAMNIT.
Upcoming Scenes: are you looking for a wife? Are you looking for someone to fuck around with?
Tag: Alexis and Nick celebrate the one-year-anniversary of her getting her tits done. Nick calls Dolphin Alexis's boobs something a non-serial killer would also call them: "Fresh Young Babies."
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase