The Gang goes to Fort Lauderdale
We get a fun peek at Eerie's angel wings tattoo on his bicep. Apparently this was to cover up an ex's name (but not the one he dumped to go on this show). Taxidermist imbues Fort Lauderdale with magic powers: I've gotten so much out of my limited time so far, "I can only imagine what one day would do here in Fort Lauderdale."
There's a series of shots of their hotel room with no one in them. Play our hotel commercial and you can have the room for free? Eerie announces Mom Chelsea gets first date. Lauren B is already pissed: "I felt like he didn’t even look at me one time." Try having a USED WOMB, LB. The women pretend to be happy that Raquel is back from her grandparent's funeral when they're all pissed she got a rose pass last week.
Mom Chelsea One-on-One
There's more ad footage, this time of the yacht that Eerie and Mom Chelsea go on.
Eerie: “It’s so cool.” Mom Chelsea: “I’m on a dreamboat. But I’m also with a dreamboat.”
This is the second episode in a row where they flaunt the one-on-one in front of the women trapped in the hotel room. This time, they've upgraded the jealousy binoculars to a fucking jealousy telescope. The astronomer women scream, "They’re Titanicking!"
Now they make out on a jet ski in front of the women's balcony. Raquel has already forgotten her dead grandparent and is right back in the dramz: "I wouldn’t be pissed if she like, didn’t come home." LB: "Watching Chelsea make out with him makes me kind of nauseous." Don't worry LB. We're all nauseous with you.
Later at Drinks...
They go to a Car Museum. Get it? He's the car one.
Eerie: "I love the fact that she’s very strong, independent. I just love that in a woman... I definitely treat Chelsea in a different way because she is a Mom. I have to be really delicate with that."
Eerie: "I’m so curious about you." He asks Chelsea about her ex. Mom Chelsea: "I hate talking about this stuff... I was drowning in a life that seemed perfect. I didn’t grow up with a lot. When I met my ex he swept me off my feet with a life that’s extremely comfortable… The separation happened when Sammy was six months old. That was tough."
Eerie gives his most sympathetic face: "You were a new Mom!"
Mom Chelsea tells Eerie she appreciated today and how Eerie is great: "We could’ve been in the park. We could’ve been laying on a blanket and having those conversations."
Back at the Hotel...
The Group Date is announced. The women take turns pretending to be happy to not be on the one-on-one. Tia gets it. TIA’S GOT SOME FANTASTIC FACES. NO TEEF!!!
Back on the Date...
Eerie is wearing makeup? Eerie gives Mom Chelsea the rose: "I would never waste your time." Non-Moms and Bachelor Nation though? Fuck those plebs. Eerie: "I’m really proud that you’re here." Proud?? He's so proud of himself for not kicking her off yet? Mom Chelsea must make it to hometowns.
Group Bowling Date
The producers are trolling Eerie at this point. They make him act out an obscure reference-- recreating shots of Jesus from The Big Lebowski. It's absolutely disgusting and probably lost on most of Bachelor Nation...
They’re trolling Eerie with his outfits at this point too. He looks like the host of Blues Clues. They make him hold his leg in the air.
Eerie cheerses the women: "To rolling with it!"
Straddler Jenna is thankfully, somehow already drunk.
Tinkerbex is getting frustrated with Krystal's fakery.
Krystal: "The girls are desperately fighting for his attention." Eerie announces that the winning team "gets" to go to the afterparty with him as a prize. Oh good we film and air them changing.
The women split into two teams and they self-segregate. All the non-white women are on one team vs. most of the white women. This is not acknowledged by anyone.
Straddler Jenna does some bizarre cheerleader cheer and straddles the floor: "We’re gonna win! Cos we’re a ten! And you’re a four! And you're shhh!"
Eerie: "I never imagined myself in the middle of a high stakes bowling game." The stakes couldn't be higher. Some of these girls will get five extra minutes with me. Krystal leads a prayer over the game: "I want to ask Wayne and Chuckie to be our angels and guide us through." Jacqueline: "Who?" Krystal: “My dogs.”
Krystal's calling the other women's actions desperate but I've never seen someone cartwheel on a bowling lane...
The white team wins and Krystal leads a toast as if the diverse team is all cut from the show: "To continuing this adventure!" The diverse team is downtrodden. Tinkerbex: "Omg how many more times do I have to hear Krystal give a fucking toast. Like, I can't handle that shit anymore."
Benevolent Eerie tells them he's going to bring all of them to the afterparty.
Krystal is dumb and thinks Eerie has any agency in the structure of these dates: "What? Like why did you change your mind?" She now refuses to carry their trophy. Apparently some shit goes down on the bus back and Krystal calls Eerie a liar. Back at the hotel, Krystal’s yelling at the crew to take her mic off.
Straddler Jenna: "Situations like this really show you somebody's true colors."
Other women: "Are you not going to come?" Krystal smiling as hard as possible: “I’m not.”
Krystal: "You can tell Arie that I think he was disrespectful toward Team Blue... All my stuff is packed right now in my bedroom."
Taxidermist calls Krystal cruel. Tinkerbex does a pretty good impression of Cruel Krystal: "No I won’t be going. No."
Later at Drinks…
They leave a camera man in the shot. Why? Yes Jenna drink more!
Eerie: "We’re all here!" Someone: "We're not."
Tinkerbex: "[Cruel Krystal's] kind of throwing a fit."
Jenna: "She was not very nice. She was basically calling you a liar."
Eerie: "It’s unfortunate that she was that upset about it." EERIE MAKES THIS CASUAL FACE.
Eerie goes up to Krystal’s room despite his laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing. Krystal: “I’m just hanging.” Eerie: "It was just bowling." Cruel Krystal: "It felt like a lie." Eerie: "You know me more than anyone here."
Eerie: “Know that I’m not happy about it. And I’ll see you in a few days.”
Eerie goes back to the women. EERIE HOLDS HIS LITTLE BABY TINKERBEX.
Becca: "I was too busy with the drama. Damn it Krystal! I didn’t even shave my legs... I was his first date and I plan to be his last."
Eerie speaks to Becca in a baby voice: "You got to kiss the hell out of me."
Becca: "Thank you."
Tinkerbex leads a prayer for Cruel Krystal: "May she find the peace that she thinks she has."
Krystal crashes the date. LB cries.
Tinkerbex asks Krystal if her leaving and then changing her mind and coming back makes her "a liar." I want Tinkerbex to be next Bachelorette.
Krystal, realizing the women aren't having her shit, leaves again. LB stops crying for long enough to ask Eerie some probing questions like, "What's your favorite color?" Eerie tells her she should already know it's blue.
LB gets deeper and asks how he takes his coffee. Eerie: "I’d like to say black, you know, and be all manly about it but cream and sugar."
Eerie tells the girls which ones are runner ups to get the group date rose, then, "So with that… Lauren!" "So with that" is such a Bachelor phrase.
Tia's Swamp Date
Eerie: "I feel like this is a really country date for a country girl." Eerie and Tia go on a swamp tour.
Eerie does a Southern accent: "Tell me about froggin’." Eerie re: the swamp boat: "As like, a car guy. It’s a big engine. It’s like a car." You probably wouldn't understand because you still get around on a horse and buggy.
Later at drinks…
Eerie: “I love that.” He says this about everything. Tia's apparently a doctor of physical therapy. Tia: "I can do it anywhere. Cos I don’t see myself in Arkansas."
Eerie: "There’s a lot of elderly patients in Scottsdale." STFU ABOUT SCOTTSDALE!!!
Tia asks if Eerie believes in a higher power. Eerie: "I don't know if there's a higher power leading me. I have lost a lot of friends. So, like, there’s a lot of questions there. Like, why?"
Eerie: "I love the fact that you’re here. And it’s going good."
Tia: "Thank you for this opportunity... I’m falling in love with you."
Eerie: "You have to look at me when you say that." Eerie rewards her with some nonconsensual eye contact hypnosis. Tia gets rose.
Cruel Krystal says best line of ep: "Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself."
Taxidermist: "Would you try human meat?"
Eerie: "Only in life or death situation."
Taxidermist: "I would totally try it. It’s a curiousity!"
Eerie: "You scare me." Pillow Time.
Krystal: "I’m tired of lowering myself to try to stoop to theirs. I’m done. That was glitter. Glitter."
Krystal tells Eerie she struggled on group date because, "[she] grew up in a bowling alley." Krystal, cutely: "This is our first fight." Eerie: "It could be our last fight." This is his most masculine line of this season and he doesn't even make good on his threat. Eerie can’t send her home because she already met his family on their first date. Sunk Cost Fallacy, babayy!!
Roses for Tinkerbex, Yale Seinne, Taxidermist, Becca K, Jacqueline, Straddler Jenna, Cruel Krystal. Raquel, Ashley, and Kardashian Marikh go home.
Cruel Krystal: "I guess good things are worth fighting for… If the girls thought that I was a threat before then, watch out ladies."
Tag: Eerie talks to a grandma bowling team and it's awkward. "So that makes y'all like, SUPER Moms, right?"
We begin this episode with an energetic hummingbird shot. Then 22-year-old Tinkerbex jumps in the pool. As if they are so much older, the other women discuss how she hasn't yet revealed her possibly deal-breaker age to 36-year-old Eerie. None of them are even remotely close to Arie's age and Maquel is 23...
Everyone hates Krystal but her cartoonish, delusional, mean girl lines are keeping me awake. Krystal: “I’m really proud of Arie actually, for sending Lauren S home… Several of these women are just not prepared for what Arie wants. They're living in such, like, a false reality and I want Arie to be able to see that. I’ll be that voice of reason and that voice of reality.”
Lord Harrison tricks the women: “There will be no date today... here in Los Angeles... You ladies are about to embark on a journey that will literally take you around the world… South Lake Tahoe!!"
They go to Exotic South Lake Tahoe
Eerie re: Tahoe's beauty: “It could help fall in love.” They don't even bother making him redo all these lines he keeps fucking up. They're just like eh, no one's really listening to his shit anyway. I keep thinking Eerie can’t look dumber and then they show him pondering love over Lake Tahoe.
The women are so happy just to not be trapped in the Mansion of 10,000 tears.
They run around the house like there's Diff Eyeware sponsorships hidden in every room.
Taxidermist Kendall loves it because there’s dead animals everywhere. Taxidermist: “I just have so much curiosity for him.” Seinne gets the date though and is pulling through with the good faces.
Even Seinne has been mind-fucked by this process: "I’m so excited but I’m so nervous! This is going to be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done… It’s a lot of pressure." This cannot be possible, right?
Eerie enters to pick up Seinne and is immediately swallowed by the couch. He says more nonsense: "A lot of outdoor stuff going on, which is cool."
Most of the women are rattled by Lauren S going home. Not our girl Swim Fan Skipper. Krystal: “That makes me happy. The more girls that go home, the more time I get with Arie. So, good luck!”
Production has given the women binoculars solely to manufacture the maximum jealousy/suffering from the women for not being on this date. They identify Seinne and Eerie parasailing. This is the first time Ashley has spoken.
Back on the Date…
Seinne's losing me. They've even got her doing love metaphors: "Parasailing is about letting go and seeing where the wind takes you. And I think being open to this relationship is kind of similar to that."
Eerie uses the word amazing to describe everything. This date, AMAZING. Every single woman he's dumped so far, AMAZING. Eerie re: being outdoors: "That’s what I love about Scottsdale." Jesus fucking Christ. Re: his parents: "I pretty much see them every other day." That’s honestly psycho.
For some reason Seinne doesn't drown herself in the lake after this admission. Eerie says she piqued his interest the first night: "I was just like, so interested about you... Just in that little ten-, twenty-second talk I learned more about you than I did a lot of the girls that I talked to for five minutes."
He should not have tried to say that sentence. Gross, we see his boxers as he makes out with Seinne.
Back at the House…
In a rare occurrence, Maquel is allowed to talk on the phone with her Mom. Her grandfather passed away.
Maquel packs and leaves. The other women feel bad for a second but then they get a date card and forget her. Tinkerbex is getting the One-on-One. I love Krystal’s fake smile. Krystal chimes in to remind us of reality again: “Arie’s looking for a woman. Not a girl.”
Back on the Date…
Eerie does something with his face as they cheers. Seinne identifies this as a wink. Seinne: "You’re going to have to teach me how to wink because you’re so good at that." Arie laughs super hard but says nothing.
Seinne asks why he hasn’t been in love in five years. Eerie says he dated a lot of women who weren't marriage material after Mom Emily to protect himself. Seinne tells Eerie her parents argued a lot so she learned that relationships are hard. She also explains that she "didn't see a lot of love stories growing up where the people looked like [her]."
Eerie: “So, I know that you said that, growing up you didn’t see many love stories with people that look like you. And I know that I’m feeling that this could be the start of something amazing. And this could be our love story.” THIS FUCKING SENTENCE!! THIS FUCKING FACE!!!!!
Eerie acts like he's a benevolent philanthropist by giving a hot, worldly woman way out of his league one of his 13 rose tokens. They go to a country music concert to start their "unlikely love story". Seinne: “I’ve never had a date like this. It was perfect.”
Group Survivalist Date
There’s a shit-ton of women on this date.
Krystal: “I don't think they're compatible with Arie... Arie knows what I have to offer and knows I’m compatible. And like, I’m secure.”
Eerie: "Um, I want to touch real quick on Maquel."
They meet a couple Survivalists. Kendall: “This is the kind of date where Kendall thrives.” She's totally going to kill and stuff something. The survivalists make them pee in water bottles. Marikh Kardashian: "Gandhi used to drink his own pee… but I’m not Gandhi." She's fun.
Eerie appears to drink his own pee?
Jacqueline then almost drinks her own pee. Eerie barely is fast enough to stop her: “Wait, wait, wait, it was just apple juice.”
Next up on this date of horrors? Eating bugs. Taxidermist Kendall: "I’ve eaten bugs before." No shit. Tia, Taxidermist, and Eerie eat worms.
Krystal: “It’s looking a little, you know, desperate. It's just not at a level that I play at... meaning it's down here.”
It’s snowing. Taxidermist pulls Eerie aside for a post-maggot-eating kiss.
Krystal: "Good for Kendall but ugh. It’s hard to watch." Next they have to use maps to navigate through the forrest. A few get to be on Eerie's team and the rest have to hike through the snow by themselves. Why can't they all take the same route? How else would they get these dismal shots of them climbing through the snow.
Mom Chelsea: "Marikh is definitely not in her element."
Concussion Brittany: "I don’t know, I’m just trying to get us over this fucking mountain."
Straddler Jenna analyzes the soil to figure out which direction to go.
The first group with Eerie gets to get in the hot tub and see his gigantic tattoos on his side and bicep. I love when they have to be practically naked for the group dates. It ups all the stress.
Krystal: "I just want to hang out with Arie without like, having to compete for his time. I know I need to talk to Arie but I don’t want to be one of those girls." Eerie awkwardly puts his arm around Krystal in the hot tub.
Caroline and Tia mock them. Tia: "We have strategy too, OK?"
Eerie: "I feel like I need to be right in the center." Eerie is the master of compromise and tension dissipation.
Krystal: "I feel like I’m at a high school camp. And everyone loves the camp counselor. And I’m almost thirty. I’m confused as to, is this real life?"
Later at Drinks...
Eerie: "Today was about having fun and doing kind of crazy stuff in the woods." Eerie asks the women: "What were your favorite parts?" SOMEONE SAYS "TEAMWORK!!!"
Krystal: "To see so many big bold personalities, just so aggressive, fighting for his attention… it was exhausting to watch and I just hope Arie sees through all the bullshit… I’m not sure what to do. But whatever I do, I have a feeling it’s gonna be perfect.”
Eerie grabs Lauren B first because she was most grossed out by the worms. I want to call Lauren B the next Lauren Bland but she pulls out this gem, maybe my favorite line of the episode: "I know you want someone who has a flexible schedule but what else?"
Lauren says she wants to grow old with someone and spank each other’s butts. Eerie: “I like that.”
Taxidermist: "I’ve always wanted to eat a bunch of bugs." She also says she travelled with her taxidermied duck Ping. Eerie is completely blinded to all of these red flags by her hotness and asks the most pressing, important question: "How do you travel with a taxidermy?"
Eerie: "Bring him to the rose ceremony." Taxidermist: "I’ll put him on my shoulder and then he’ll accept the rose." They make out. Eerie: "She’s quirky and extremely sexy at the same time."
Krystal to the women: "I felt challenged being in such a large group date because I had the One-on-One… It’s apparent that personalities were showing."
Krystal: “These girls being almost obnoxiously overbearing with their need to be seen. It brings you back to such a juvenile state. They don’t know who they are.”
Chelsea and Caroline mock Krystal in their confessionals. Caroline: "Take your lips off his ass." Caroline to Tia: "It feels like really condescending."
Tia: "When her mouth opens, my face goes…"
Krystal pulls Eerie and does a deep dive into sexy baby voice: "I have like, a mix of emotions… it’s hard."
Caroline: "Where the fuck is she now?" Tia: "Kissing his ass."
Krystal: "I feel a little ostracized... like, because you came over to me and put your arm around me I was called out on. I think people just feel a little threatened."
Eerie: "Of course, you’re beautiful… they can obviously see we have a connection. So that probably makes them insecure."
Krystal starts crying, "I’m coming from a place of love. That’s why I feel so hurt. Some people are like, so quick to judge me. If I didn’t have feelings for you I wouldn’t be here." Tia tries to interrupt and Krystal tells Eerie to ask for another minute.
Krystal: "This is such bullshit... I’m floored with the insecurities. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the elimination of all these girls."
Krystal wraps it up and then touches Tia, yelling, "Hi friends!" She pulls Caroline and Tia aside. She confronts them about mocking her in the hot tub. Tia says she's "playing the victim" and asks if she used her time to bitch about them.
Tia: "You come at us and act like we're being mean to you... you keep reminding us that you were on the one-on-one date."
Krystal: "I am here for Arie otherwise I wouldn't be putting up with this bullshit." Tia leaves. Tia alludes to the situation with Eerie. Eerie: "Have some faith that I have a plan."
Eerie Pillows Tia.
Caroline: "If Krystal gets the rose, Tia is gonna speedbag her face."
Tia gets the group date rose so we don't get to see that.
Krystal: "I feel like it’s hard for me to really like, shine, while trying to not be intimidating to the other girls. Because I come across as flawless and then have a target put on my back. They just don’t know who I am. I just feel a little misunderstood."
Eerie: “She’s just full of life and she seems super mature. She’s a lot deeper than the women I’ve dated in the past.” If he doesn’t boot her now, he doesn’t boot her til the end.
Jacqueline: “I’m also kind of an experience junkie. But I got so much of my adventure out from being single. It’s a little difficult for me to see Bekah choosing that life right now.”
Eerie Pillows Tinkerbex in a hot tub. Tinkerbex: "What’s this whole chemistry thing going on?"
Eerie: "Can you feel the screws?" He tells her he was in a bad car crash. He really puts the Former in Former Racecar Driver.
Eerie describes her as mature again. Eerie: "I want to know everything about you." You can tell how curious I am because I don’t even know basic things like your age.
Eerie: "Things have just slowed down so much for me. I enjoy like, waking up with the sun which I never enjoyed five years ago... different place than my late 20’s... Do you like to still like, still go out a lot?" BAHAHA.
They finally get to it. Tinkerbex: "I don’t want you to see me through the lens of my age... I’m 22."
Eerie: "OMG. You’re so young."
Bekah says a series of things scrambling to show she's still a viable option. Eerie: "You’re the most incredible person I’ve met, maybe ever. My biggest fear is I emotionally invest in you and at the end I’m heartbroken."
Tinkerbex: "Would it worth it if that did happen?"
Eerie: "No because I need a wife... You scare me."
Eerie: "I want you to be ready because I’m so damn ready."
Tinkerbex: "Stop looking to me to give you assurance because you don't ever get that in love."
Eerie's confessional: "I’m not here for a 22-year-old girlfriend. I’m here to find a wife." They're tricking us.
Eerie: "Let me do this with the rose in my hand. I’m worried about us. I’m 36. You’re 22. I feel so much for you but there’s also so many reservations because you are so young. I’m fearful that I’ll fall for you and it will all fall apart after this. But, I really, really feel connected to you and you’re incredible and surprising and so much of what I’m looking for. I feel like this could be the beginning of something amazing. So Bekah, will you accept this rose?" Shocker.
Eerie's confession: "I feel like proceeding with caution-- that's probably the best course of action."
Krystal is worried for this one: "I feel like my character has been assassinated." Taxidermist re: Krystal: "I feel like she’s saying things that a public speaker told her. Or that she read in a book."
Lord Harrison tells them there won't be a cocktail party because, "Arie has made up his mind and he feels there’s no reason to delay the inevitable." Krystal chugs her ice cubes: "No matter what happens, I will think of relationships and friendships and time so differently."
Eerie starts to give out roses. Krystal interrupts, "I’m sorry. Would you mind if I just have a quick moment of your time?" I've recently learned that time is a flat circle so if I pull you I'm not actually wasting anyone's time.
Mom Chelsea: "Krystal’s pulling a quick move right now and I don’t know if it’s in her favor to do that right now." The women with roses and the women who hate Krystal the most all sit down.
Krystal: "I’m not here to play games. I’m here for you." Eerie: "K..."
Roses for Lauren B, Taxidermist, Silent Ashley, Becca K, Mom Chelsea, Straddler Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Krystal. Concussed Brittany and Hater of Krystal, Caroline, go home. Concussed Brittany's concussion couldn't keep her safe for two weeks, crying: “I just want to find someone. Soon. I’m hopeful.”
Krystal: "Just as predicted, Arie kept me. The stakes are high. The pressure’s on."
Tag: Marikh Kardashian accuses Mom Chelsea of "glam-shaming" her by saying she fixed her hair in the compass on the group date. I can't stop picturing an alien race somehow getting only this show from our species and trying to decipher our society. Byeeeeeee