Hama's "emotionally exhausted." Lord Harrison enters and in an aggressive power move "accidentally" calls Hama "Caelynn". He's conducting interviews and narrating their rivalry storyline to the players.
Miss NC Caelynn's confessional re: Hama: "She's like a gnat that won't go away."
âLord Harrison: "Some bad news. There is no date today... You're going to a place we've never been in the history of this show... You'll be meeting Colton in Singapore!"
They go to Singapore
It seems like they're making a big push to get people to visit Singapore after Crazy Rich Asians. Demi: "Could Colton lose his virginity in Singapore? Maybe." Content Hannah: "Where is Singapore?" Jesus Christ.
Dolton buys a banana and contemplates at Singapore. The players enter the hotel and there's hotel ad footage. Phlebotemist Tayshia gets the first date. Demi: "The less girls the merrier." Dolton does another stupid confessional video while he drinks tea to introduce the Phlebotemist Tayshia storyline: "Should be a blast. I'm really hoping that today we don't die."
Phlebotemist's Extreme ADVENTURE Date
Dolton: "I never wanted to do something where I could be injured, I always played it safe." He leads her down a beach to a bungee jumping place and Phlebotemist can't stop smiling because she's so scared.
Dolton jumps off. We get a great shot of him jumping while he high-pitched screams. He bounces up again and screeches, "Oh no! Not again!"
Bungee Man to Phlebotemist: "That doesn't give you confidence?" Phlebotemist: "No! He sounded like a little girl!" Dolton from 1000 feet away: "I'm right there with ya!" She jumps. After the adrenaline injection, they strip down on the beach and make out in the sea. Phlebotemist, you're not into him, you're into being back on the ground!!
Later at Drinks...
Phlebotemist announces she's going to play her Personal Tragedy Card. She doesn't need to play it tonight! Save for later! Phlebotemist: "I'm genuinely a really happy person... There's a lot to me that makes me me. This past year and a half has been hard for me... I was married and got divorced... being a Christian woman you think you're going to be married once and that's going to be it... you can't make someone want to be married." Nice, inserting that she's religious. But will she marry someone without banging for a second time? Fool you twice... If your PTC is divorce you probably do have to say it on first one-on-one.
Back at the House...
The group date's announced and it's revealed that Miss NC gets the second one-on-one. Hama: "The other one" got it. "This is the most hurtful result that could happen this week."
Back on the Date...
Phlebotemist gets the Roze and they go on a big ferris wheel. Phlebotemist: "This is so cool! I want to do this! Yay!" I bet she says this in the fantasy suite too.
Gross Out Group Date
Demi screams: "O.M.G!" and sprints to Dolton first. She somehow ends up on his shoulders after this.
They make Dolton and the players have their blood sucked from their bodies by leeches.
All of the players cooperate for some reason. Demi: "I have the sweetest blood ever."
Now they have to eat weird food.
A fortune teller tells Dolton that Speech Pathologist Cassie is "his sister in a past life."
Dolton sits down with Hama. She says she wants to show him she's a "noble woman." He says he got old Hama back. He's like a child doing a book report in his speech to her.
âSpeech Pathologist Cassie makes out with him: "Would your sister kiss you like that?" Dolton: "That's not a kiss that a sister would give."
Demi nails the PTCSS and plays her PTC to Dolton: "This week my Mom was released from federal prison... My mom might be really messed up but she loves me and no matter what she does I'll love her." Please tell me she makes Hometowns. She wipes what appears to be sweat off her face like it was a tear.
Courtney is crying now while doing absofuckinglutely nothing: "He keeps making moments for other people... He talked to Demi twice."
Demi gets the Group Date rose for her PTC. Demi: "This is Cloud Nine."
The Spoils One-on-One Date
Miss NC leaves the other players for her date: "I'm sorry. I love you guys. Bye!" They put Miss NC on this date just to make Hama lose it. Hama: "I should have clapped for her when she walked out for her one-on-one."
Dolton pretends he's spending money and buying Miss NC new dresses and shoes: "I splurge every once in a while."
Miss NC: "To be spoiled like this is so much fun to me." This random designer behind them: "Jennifer Lopez eat your heart out!"
Back at the Hotel...
Hama: "What if he buys her shoes and a dress?" Someone: "Imagine her being more glam." Miss NC comes home with a shit-ton of shopping bags so the producers can shove it in the other players' faces. She can't stop laughing because she's so happy. Speech Pathologist Cassie: "Oh I'm so mad... It's not easy to see someone I'm dating now doing that to someone else... I am so happy for Caelynn." CASSIE STARTS CRYING AGAIN.
Back at the Date Drinks...
Miss NC announces she's about to play her PTC, starting to cry: "This is a conversation I have to have in relationships... it's a part of my story... it's not easy for me to talk about... it's something that has come between intimacy... Four years ago I was a sophomore in college. Me and four girlfriends went to ... something really bad happened last night... the three of us were all sexually assaulted... They took photos... I was turned away at a hospital... the men got away with it... one did get expelled-- the rest of them got away with it."
Jesus Christ. That was rough. Dolton trying to respond to this: somehow rougher.
Erika: "It's shitty they used this in the advertisements for the show." TRUTH.
Dolton: "I want you to know with me you are safe." No shit. Now I feel bad for thinking she was mean earlier. They hug. Now Dolton talks about how his gymnast ex was sexually abused. Now he's using his ex's rape as an excuse for his virginity????? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK????????
Miss NC seems unfazed by this sociopathic behavior: "I'm way stronger than I ever imagined." They go to another Crazy Rich Asians location. There's a Sexual Assault hotline card. Yiiiiiiiiikes. At least this seemed slightly better handled than the BIP sexual assault controversy.
Dolton drinks white wine and awards Content Hannah the trophy of seeing his room. Content Hannah: "I'm going to try really hard to open up even though it's scary for me... I'm not going to be great at words"... because I'm really hot. And my Content is mostly, my face. Dolton: "I really like Hannah G so much. And I don't know much about her." Because she's really hot.
They make out on his bed WHILE WEARING SHOES!!!!! Dolton gets on top of her. Content Hannah: "Tonight he acknowledged me in like the biggest way ever. This is why I'm here." Erika: "To dry hump?" They make the bed after??
âMiss NC pulls Bama for a one-on-one. Demi: "They have been avoiding each other like the fucking plague."
Miss NC: "There's been tension, unnecessary drama. I think we've both been putting it off."
Hama: "We used to be friends and then had a tiff."
Miss NC: "Let's do this as women. Let's squash this once and for all."
Hama: "I don't think you're a horrible person."
Miss NC: "I don't wish anything bad on you."
Hama's confessional: "I do accept her apology... World War III was averted tonight." Confused where she found the apology.
Meanwhile, the Demi and Courtney drama escalates. Dolton: "This is my greatest fear coming alive right now." It's a vagina.
Courtney: "I hope that people who don't deserve to be here go home. It's not a show. It's not a show and tell. It's not a game." Chad: "It's literally all of those things."
Demi: "I'm just so tired of her throwing shade." She grabs Dolton and declares, "Courtney, she is like the cancer of the house. She like attacked me. She told me I was playing God because I talked to you again."
Dolton: "She attacked you?" Demi: "Yeah but it didn't really phase me... She's the one person who I think is not deserving of your heart. Ugh! It kills me to even talk to you about it at all." Dolton: "I definitely don't want to hear someone attacks or is verbally abusive." Demi is a fucking STAR: "That's all I want to say about it." Then she kisses him.
Cancer Courtney steals Dolty and tattles: "I opened up to Demi about how I was upset. She got up said she was going to the bathroom and went back to you." Dolton: "The words 'attack' and 'you being the cancer of the house' were brought to my attention." Cancer Courtney's confessional: "My worst enemy in the world would never say that about me."
Demi: "I know she's in there bashing me. Nobody wants to be around her because she's so negative."
Cancer Courtney senses she's going home and decides to Kamikaze. Cancer Courtney: "If anyone isn't here for the right reasons it's Demi... You only see this much of Demi... This is a game to her... You could be anybody. The fact that you're the Bachelor is the reason she's here." As opposed to the others??? Dolton hugs her. NO KISS. Dolton: "Hearing that is making me question my relationship with Demi."
Cancer Courtney to the other players: "Raise your hand if you think I'm the cancer of the house." Demi: "What, that's what I said! I do feel that way. I feel like you are. You did not have a calm and concise relationship dude." I love how she says dude. Kirpa can't stop laughing.
Demi: "You said the meanest things to me in my life... You said I was playing god." Cancer Courtney: "You're very immature. You should probably take a time out."
Someone: Last night's fight "was not the big finale. Tonight was the Big Finale."
Demi: "Tracy and me beef all the time. But she belongs here more than Courtney. Maybe she could potentially not suck one day. But as of right now, she sucks!"
âRoses for: Content Hannah, Kiss Virgin Heather, Kirpa, Alabama Hama, Katie, Alaskan Elyse, Ex-Dancer Sydney, Speech Therapist Cassie, Nicole, Onyeka.
Cancer Courtney and Hat Tracy go home. I love when only one or two goes home after rose ceremony. Will you two losers go home?
Cancer Courtney: "It says a lot about a person if you already have a rose and you spend your one-on-one bashing another woman." When people butcher feminism on this show.......
Demi: "Ding Dong the bitch is dead... Doctor Demi cut out the cancer. She made the mistake of fucking with me and now she's out the door." She gives a pointed cheers to the other players: "To no more freaking leaches ever again!"
Tag: Content Hannah jokes about how she ate weird food and "we'll have to see where I am in an hour." I can tell you that in two hours you're going to be dry-humping a virgin and then making a hotel bed.
Well, the government has been shutdown for over a month but federal workers aren't the only ones suffering! The players on The Bachelor are also adjusting to prisoner life in the Mansion. Ex-Dancer Sydney describes trying to date with standard Bachelor hurdles, like being interrupted by "an air horn in my face." Lord Harrison announces that both pageant ladies will be on the first group date and that everyone should use their precious time with Dolty well. He says there will be ups and down but "that's love."
Yeah, on these group dates, there'll be ups and downs. You may be forced to do demeaning things like get naked and/or beat the shit out of each other. You may be forced to do inane, embarrassing costumed performances that have nothing to do with dating in front of hundreds of tipsy strangers. But that's love!
Pirates Group Date
The group date is a Pirate's Dinner Adventure and the women have to do "pirate training". Only two players will be lucky enough to perform in front of a bunch of strangers though! Alabama Hama references how her "Beautiful Monster" will come out in the competition.
Dolton is somehow the "Captain" in this dinner theater scenario.
Miss NC upon being beat with a Sees candy stick: "I don't like this."
Hat Tracy and Miss North Carolina are chosen. Alabama Hama is pissed: "I didn't come here to compete in another pageant... Honestly, this sucks. It brings out all of my insecurities and I start to spiral."
I didn't come here to compete in another pageant. I came here wearing my Miss Bama sash to compete with a bunch of other young women, primarily while wearing a series of evening gowns and swim suits, and to be judged by a man based on my looks and my personality, all in order to win notoriety and sponsorships, while saying that it's for some loftier goal.
The losers have to go in the poop deck. Hat Tracy is confident she'll win this stakesless competition.
She loses and we all lose though.
Group Date Cocktails
Everything Dolton does makes me think that there's some sort of "Big"/"Freaky Friday" situation going on, and either a child or a golden retriever is trapped in this life-sized Ken-doll body. Dolton bonds with Katie about how they're so compatible because they both like food and sushi and breath air and have skin. He strokes her leg, saying that earlier: "I was like, probably being a weirdo. Like a dork."
Meanwhile, Prison Mama Demi continues to goad Hat Tracy about how old she is: "If I was an older girl surrounded by younger women, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I would feel."
Hat Tracy: "You’re taking personally me giving you a different point of view on something." Demi: "It’s been made very clear that you’re making attacks on me right now."
Demi then makes her own attacks on Dolton: "Every time I smell you, I’m like, ‘Mmmmmm!’ You know what I mean? And I can tell that I always make you nervous."
Then she does an S&M thing, blindfolding him and spanking him with a paddle.
The icing on the cake is she then touches his dick with a fake hand????
Courtney's pissed that Demi stole him/she hasn't gotten enough screen time so she pulls her for a chat. Courtney: "You're coming off maybe a little different than you would like it to be... Be more aware." Demi: "I'm going to be who I am." She thinks the other women are "intimidated by her confidence."
Back on the Group Date...
Alabama Hama shit-talks Miss NC to Kiss Virgin. Kiss Virgin tells her she's gotta tattle and tell Dolton.
Dolton woos Miss North Carolina. Dolton: "I’m so excited for Caelynn and I’s relationship." He kisses her and then shouts "Winner!"
Alabama Hama is not thrilled, makes up words, and decides to be our game's first Tattler.
She tells Dolton that "a few things happened leading to a fallout... I was just in a high-stress situation with her, and it was, like, the most hostile environment I’ve ever been in." Dolton: "Are you saying, like, is she mean? Is she manipulative? Is she fake?" Hama won't answer but responds with this face:
Tattler Hama goes further into Ultimatum territory, saying that if Dolton is into Miss NC he can't possibly be into her too. Dolton: "Let's talk about this later."
Dolty needs to think. Hama demands "at least a peck" so he kisses her. Yikes.
Dolton tells Miss NC that Hama called her "hostile." Miss NC gives a very pageanty response, that "we handle competition very differently" and then references some "traumatic experiences" she can't talk about yet. Now she cries. Dolty gives her the group date rose.
The next day...
Miss NC tells the ladies she's sick and she can't sleep because of the rival situation, and that, worst of all, she can't even enjoy her Group Date Rose, which is supposed to be a wonderful time in any woman's life. Beautiful Monster Hama: "I probably just ruined my chances and I don't know how to fix it... It would suck, like, if he sent me home before her."
Alaskan Elyse's One-on-One
Alaskan Elyse is "just stinking excited" for this date. It's great that despite her cougarness she's still able to get enthusiastic about things.
Dolton tells her they're flying in something. Elyse: "You already gave me that hint" on the date card.
They helicopter to an amusement park in San Diego. A bunch of children join their date for some reason.
Dolton is so good with kids. Dolton: "Do you guys have boyfriends?"
Dolton wins Elyse a teddy bear. We're watching like the most dumbed down version of The Notebook.
Dolton loves how Elyse's good with kids.
Later at Drinks...
Alaskan Elyse reveals her Personal Tragedy. Her sister got cancer when she was pregnant and the baby survived but her sister died. She runs a charity in her name. Dolton loves it: "she has this natural motherly instinct."
She gets the rose because she nailed her Personal Tragedy Sweet Spot, but then she has to dance in front of a bunch of strangers to a country singer, who literally sings, "I hate this."
Group Work Out Date
The players arrive as Dolton pushes a bunch of heavy shit.
Dolton waits for the women topless. They scream. Onyeka sprints and mounts him.
Terry and Rebecca Crews are the hosts for this date to help "Colton find a strong woman."
They try to do pull ups in full makeup and hair. This date is terrible. Apparently DJ Catherine is a black belt.
Dolton and Ex-Dancer Sydney do some really intense stretching. Speech Pathologist Cassie: "Colton's not a stretching virgin anymore, that's for sure."
Now Lord Harrison and Fred Willard are the commentators for the "Bachelor's Strongest Woman" challenge. All the events are wedding-themed sexist crap, something that all strong women love. They push a big wedding cake and do a tire/ring toss. They also pull a limo.
Snorkler Onkeya wins and someone blows an airhorn.
Group Date Cocktails
Nicole gives her strong-woman themed Personal Tragedy to Dolton and cries while talking about her grandma fleeing Cuba. Dolton comforts her by saying she's "mentally strong." Dolton makes up more phrases, this time that he will "self-admit" he's awkward but Speech Pathologist Cassie makes out with him anyway. Maybe she knows she can fix this.
Dolton asks Caitlin about her life and she panics about having no Personal Tragedy: "I haven't had anything like, happen in my life that like, is standing out for me right now that like I want to share with you." Then she finally finds something to say, she wants to find someone who will go out with her friends, "I'm happy to, you know, open up to you about that."
Dolton: "Yeah." Then he dumps her. He tries to hold her hand as he walks her out and she says she doesn't want to so he sort of grabs her waist as they walk?? She still hopes he'll change his mind.
The other players freak out. Nicole finally lands herself a Personal Tragedy group date rose.
Demi lubes Dolton up.
Alabama Hama's still stressing about her last convo with Dolton. Kiss Virgin Heather sees Dolton holding hands with Miss NC, so she prods Hama: "My fear is that she's going to go talk crap about you and then he's gonna believe that."
Alabama Hama releases her Monster, saying that she's topped off her "tank of rage."
Miss North Carolina is indeed, talking shit to Dolton. She reveals that Hama started to "get into her head... talk shit... she kind of spirals when I have the slightest bit of success." Sherlock Dolton goes to investigate.
Hama is mad Miss NC called her manipulative and toxic. She tells Dolton that Miss NC is the "manipulative and fake one... I'm freaking telling you the truth. Just trust me."
Sherlock Dolton needs a moment. Hama: "This is my worst nightmare."
Lord Harrison steps in with a kind ear to listen to Dolty.
End of pool party. None of these people even go home.
Roses for: Content Hannah, Tayshia, Katie, Speech Pathologist Cassie, Kirpa, Ex-Dancer Sydney, Demi, Hat Tracy, Courtney, Kiss Virgin Heather, Snorkler Onyeka somehow, and Alabama Hama.
Goodbye Nina, Australian Bri, and Failed Villain, DJ Catherine.