By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 9 (Air Date: 2/27/17)
Nick Chats with Ex Andi
Andi is back and Nick notes that it's surprising she's there "right before Rose Ceremony." Is it though? He says right before Rose Ceremony like right before Homeroom.
Nick: "Do you need a drink?" He liquors up immediately when someone comes in unexpectedly.
Nick: "So what the fuck is she doing here now?"
Vanessa: "I just don’t feel special. It’s a horrible feeling."
Nick: "So, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
Andi tells him she's just checking in with him, as all exes do to their former lover when they're deciding whether or not to fuck all their new girlfriends. Nick: "I just can relate to you a little more now... I have four very smart women. Very strong-headed women."
Andi jokes: "And they stuck around? Well, you know I have to give you a little shit."
The women start to arrive and Lord Harrison walks them to a freezing balcony to await Nick whilst he jokes around with his ex-girlfriend for our amusement.
Tiffany Trump: "He knows me almost to the core now."
I always think GOT whenever they show that Vale building.
Nick: "I have my insecurities about being the Bachelor. I have my insecurities about this world."
Nick and Andi remark on this bizarre conversation. Andi: "It is kind of weird."
Nick: "Last time you knocked on my door surprisingly, you broke up with me. You dumped me on national television."
Andi: "But now you're dumping 29 girls."
Nick: "I’m not going to get engaged just because I’m the Bachelor. I’m not gonna pick one just because she’s the last one standing."
Nick says every time he's with each person he wants to pick that one. Andi: "And you haven’t even been alone with them yet. You're finally gonna be alone with them all."
Andi: "Are you going to have sex with any of them then?"
Nick: "I'm honestly torn."
"Like I'm physically attracted to all of them. Like, as a man."
Andi gives Nick her woman's permission slip to fuck all of his contestants he sees possibility with. Andi: "I think if you see a potential for that girl to be standing there at the end and you getting down on one knee with her, then that lends itself, if you two agree. I think you have every right to get intimate."
Andi: "There's my feminist rant."
Andi: "Do you look back and you're like, 'Damn, I shouldn't have said why would you make love with me if you weren't in love with me?'"
Nick: "I didn't take till now to probably be like, 'Eh, probably not the best move.'"
He tells her his biggest regret is that it caused her hurt and "—for that I’ve always been sorry."
Andi: "We’ve both done our damage but like, don't let that keep you from anything now. This is like your one chance, and don't let something you did two years ago ruin that."
The women are freezing, waiting for Nick. Next-Bachelorette-Rachel: "My feelings are at an all-time high."
Vanessa: "I just want it to be over."
Tiffany Trump: "I don’t know what kind of parents they have."
Nick: "I’m sorry for making you ladies wait. I know it’s cold." He tells them each family was "uniquely special". He said it was too cruel to put Danielle or Kristina through rose ceremony but he's finally forced to have another one.
He gives a general speech to the girl who's going home before they even know who it is: "Um, for the woman I'm saying goodbye to tonight, how appreciative I am of-- of my entire time with you, and I just want to thank you so much."
Nick gives roses to Raven, Next-Bachelorette-Rachel, and Canadian Vanessa.
Nooooooooo Nick is sending Tiffany Trump home before he fucks her?!?!?! This is truly shocking. Corinne does the fakest cry in the world.
Tiffany Trump: "I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset."
Nick: "You didn't do anything wrong ever... You have nothing to regret. Nothing to second-guess. Not a thing. You need to know that."
Nick: "I have such a love for you Corinne." Nick doesn’t give her any explanation.
Tiffany Trump: "Saying goodbye to Nick is like-- I feel like my heart is like, literally like, it's never going to be repaired."
Tiffany Trump: "I just want to feel loved the way it’s supposed to be. Why can’t I just have a normal relationship?"
Tiffany Trump: "I’m trying to, you know, say things that men think are appropriate. And you know what? I’m done. Done trying to show my men how much I worship them and how much I love them and I care for them and support them. I’m done trying to impress these men..."
Tiffany Trump: "I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life. I’m tired and done... I want to go to sleep."
Nick Flies to Finland!
Nick: "Most of my memories in this world end with me getting my heart broken."
Nick: "I couldn’t imagine a more magical place for this entire journey to end."
Nick: "This is the most Northern place I’ve ever been… Only get a few hours of sunlight every day."
Raven’s Fantasy Suite Date
They helicopter around a national park.
Raven: "I totally can see my life with him." Nick: "It’s a relationship that’s like a choose-you-own-adventure book. Being with Raven makes me feel excited and a little crazy in a great, fun way. Raven has that Southern, sweet charm and that just wonderful, like edgy craziness. It’s like the perfect combination of salty and sweet.
Nick uses Raven as a human dart. Raven: “I feel like this could be an everyday thing.”
Nick: "When you found out your dad was cancer free. It was nice to see you get a little emotional."
Raven: "I'm a daddy's girl, for sure."
Nick tells Raven he tends not to date women like his Mom.
Nick: "I also want to be stimulated in other ways other than just physically... I hate folding clothes."
Nick: "Can you fold laundry?" Raven: "Yeah, I own a clothing store."
Raven: "I'm in love with Nick and I could spend my life with him."
Raven: "Hoxie wasn’t so bad, was it?"
They talk about her being nervous for a while.
Nick: "I've never been in this position before... I'm in my head a lot."
Nick: "Like, I don't have any like, expectations."
Nick: "Don't be nervous."
Raven: "Every girl wants great things, fireworks, and magic to happen."
Raven: "I’ve never told someone I loved him... I've never had an orgasm before." OK so she's this season's "virgin". This show loves to fetishize small town virgins.
"I think I could go there with Nick today."
Nick: "I had a great time today, um, watching you play darts."
Nick keeps itching his turtleneck sweater.
Raven: "Coming into this I was the biggest skeptic."
Raven: My ex said 'I love you' "when he was drunk but never sober." Nick: "OK, interesting."
Raven: "I never said it at all. The way I feel about you, I never felt about him." Nick: "Well, that's great."
Nick: "I'm just being Devil’s advocate... Do you think you could ever say it to someone not knowing?"
Nick then rips the drink from Raven’s hand.
Raven says a 30-minute sentence about feelings and how her Daddy prayed for her to have an "easy love." Nick: "You're getting me a little choked up."
Raven: "I do love you. It would be the worst thing I could do to not tell you that."
Nick: "It’s one of the most meaningful moments I’ve ever had."
Nick: “That was one of the best like, professions of love I think I’ve ever heard from-- not just like from like anyone ever telling me.”
Raven: "I'm like, sweating. Like, my hands are clammy. I like need more wine."
Nick: "It means a lot for you to not only say it, but to-- to think so deeply about this."
Nick: "I can feel the words behind the things that you are saying."
Raven: "I feel like he does love me too. Nick makes me feel extremely safe and I think that's like, the key ingredient to opening me up."
Raven: “I’ve only been sexually active with one man."
Nick gives Raven the Fantasy Suite Card and Raven accepts.
Raven: "I need to remind you of two things. One I’ve only been with one person. I want you to keep that in mind. My second thing is that my last boyfriend, my ex, who I was intimate with, never made me orgasm. Lost for words?"
Nick: “I was not expecting that.” Nick threatens to not sleep with the women in his confessional because, "Not sleeping with the women might help me get to that level." This is the most sociopathic thing he’s ever said. He takes her to a log cabin. Nick: "So like, it has a glass ceiling."
Raven feels "the butterflies, warm and fuzzies, pitter-patter of the heart."
Raven: "I think tonight is like, the biggest night of my life."
They are using whether Raven is going to orgasm when Nick fucks her as a cliffhanger.
Upcoming Scenes: Next week is 3 hours...
Lord Harrison: "Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end?"
Lord Harrison: "When things heat up with Vanessa, will she get cold feet?"
Nick: "I’m not traditional at all."
Tag: Nick doing Rocky in the snow?
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 8 (Air Date: 2/20/17)
I'm so tired of the episodes not ending in rose ceremonies. This off-kilter quality is driving me nuts. I don't need a cliffhanger, I need to know where I should be EMOTIONALLY at the correct part of the episode. ANYWAY.
Tiffany Trump is still freaking out she's gonna also get dumped: "He's very unpredictable and I'm just nervous."
Nick comes in through their balcony holding roses.
He explains to them he dumped Danielle already because he didn't want to put her through a rose ceremony. ARE WE JUST NO LONGER GOING TO HAVE ROSE CEREMONIES, NICK?! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DO THIS TO ME?! He once again says that the "room strength" gave him courage.
Nick: "I can't wait to meet their families, and I can't wait to move our relationships forward." THIS IS A NONSENSE FUCKING SENTENCE NICK STOP BEING A FUCKING ROBOT.
He gives them all roses.
The girls could not be more excited about introducing their entire families to their boyfriend who's still seeing three other women. Nick could not be more excited to meet Nanny Raquel.
Tiffany Trump has an impressive number of different facial expressions. She's made it to this crucial round of the competition and screams, "Hometowns! Woo!"
Raven's Hoxie Hometown
Nick says Raven is "maybe a little crazy, um, in the best possible way."
Raven: "To have fun in Hoxie, you go mudding, you go frog-gigging, you climb the grain bins." Are these literally all ways of saying to go play in garbage/dirt? OK looked up frog-gigging and it's stabbing swamp frogs with a long multi-pronged spear. Close enough.
Raven: This date is "gonna be a complete and utter surprise."
Raven takes him to a "sacred place", a giant grain bin. She says people climb up them to tell secrets.
"Uh oh." Cops pull up and tell them to get down.
The cop asks them for ID, which they don't have.
The cop reveals he's Raven's brother and no single person watching this is surprised. Can we stop with all the blaaatant bullshit? We're watching non-actors act out entire scenes. Ugh.
Raven's brother: "Don't be kissin on the grain bin."
They all laugh. Nick and Raven ATV off, the fully scripted scene completed. THEY’RE FUCKING CLEAN NOW. THE GRAIN BIN SEGMENT HAPPENED BEFORE THIS!!!
Nick: "Raven always kind of keeps you on your toes." Why are they taking their clothes off in the swamp?!
Nick: Raven has "more personality than you could ever imagine."
They frolic and make out in the swamp.
You know how they say with the right person anything is fun?
Later that evening...
Raven and Nick head to dinner with Raven's family. Not sure whose jeans are tighter.
Nick re-meets her brother.
Raven's Mom tells the two of them Daddy just had a cancer scan.
Raven's Mom: "He's cancer-free."
Nick golf-claps at this intimate family news.
Raven starts crying and tells her parents how thankful she is to have them in her life.
Raven's Dad looks like Chris Bauer -- the dock dude from The Wire/the cop in True Blood. Raven and her Dad discuss how he can now walk her down the aisle, presumably to hand her off to Nick.
Nick asks Raven's father for his blessing. Raven's Dad echoes the theme of this season: "Don't take this the wrong way but I didn't expect to like you."
Raven tells her Mom, "It is through the grit of my teeth that I say I'm falling for this guy."
Raven bails on saying "I love you" to Nick.
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel's Dallas Hometown
This is the first hometown with a black family in ALL of Bachelor franchise history. In preparation for a Hometown with a federal judge, Nick has dressed like he's going to appear in court.
Shut up. She's taking him to Church.
Nick looks deeply uncomfortable which is awesome.
Afterwards, Rachel and Nick discuss how his first experience in a black church went. Nick: "I grew up around church my whole life."
Nick: "Amen is amen, you know?" I deeply desire that quote crocheted on a pillow.
Nick: "I’m not color blind. I know you’re black."
Nick meets Rachel's family. Her sister Heather looks EXACTLY like her.
Nick meets the alternate gnome version of himself if he had just kept selling software and never got super into self-tanner.
Rachel: "You don’t need to have black skin but you need to have thick skin." I can't wait for a whole season of racial puns and metaphors.
Rachel's Mom asks if Nick knows what all the food is.
Nick: "I'm not from Mars!"
Nick identifies all the food. I truly hope this is a test they do for Rachel's Hometowns once she gets there.
Rachel's brother-in-law grabs Nick first: "Don't forget your drink!"
The bro-in-law gets weirder: "You two young lovebirds coming for the hometown visit, huh?"
Nick tells them he's been made to feel comfortable. Rachel's sister: "Why? Cause y'all look like us?"
Bro-in-law: "I can't help but notice you are a white." Why is Rachel's beautiful sister with this creep?
Nick tells them his spiel about how he's been on dates with black girls but they're "never really advanced past like, a first date."
Bro-in-law, as if Nick should inherently have the exact same response to every black woman he encounters, "So what's different now?"
Nick: "Her." Then he lists his boring list of Rachel's good qualities.
Bro-in-law tells him he counted that Nick said she's good-looking twice.
I'm guessing this is a bigger deal in Dallas. Rachel's Mom: "Elephant in the room... Have you ever dated a black girl?"
Rachel's Mom is worried about a more "racist climate. You have to know how you’re going to navigate it." Nick: "Uh, I-I-I've gone on dates... I know that, like, Rachel's black."
Nick talks about how he only sees Rachel's interior, that they'll get through any racism together, and a classic Bachelor phrase, "if anything it will make our relationship stronger."
Rachel's Mom then asks if Nick sees any red flags re: Rachel.
Rachel and her Mom are cute. Rachel tells her Mom how she cares for Nick due to his sincerity and courage to have "the uncomfortable conversations."
Rachel's Mom tells her she loved how Rachel's Dad was confident and knew where he was going. Rachel takes this to mean that her Mom thinks Nick is like her Dad? Rachel: "I was blown away by that comment."
Rachel: "I hate to use the word perfect but today was perfect... I'm falling in love with him."
Tiffany Trump's Miami Hometown
This is Tiffany Trump's first one-on-one date. Nick re: a date with Corinne Olympios: "I’m certain it’s going to be fabulous and it’s going to be fun... She doesn't worry about the rules. She makes her own."
Tiffany Trump tells him they're going shopping. They are PERFECT together.
Nick is stoked, thinking thank God this is better than Church. She's taking him to "one of the most exclusive malls in Miami." Am I not exclusive? What's an exclusive mall? Tiffany Trump: "Shopping and me go hand in hand. I mean we're like white on rice."
Corinne knows all the salespeople. Nick: "It's like Christmas morning to the people who are working at the store. I think that's a good thing? She takes every ordinary thing and takes it up a notch. She brings it to another level."
They do a shopping montage.
Tiffany Trump: "Pro shopping tip-- always stay focused. Find a sales person and make that person your person."
Tiffany Trump: "The dressing room is your holy ground."
One store offers them champagne.
Nick: "I'm like a Miami soccer dad."
Nick tries on a super deep V.
Tiffany Trump: "I'm just shopping with my boyfriend. No big deal."
Corinne is buying clothes for Nick? Bribery???
Nick: "I’m like red with anxiety right now... I have hives because I’m a bargain shopper."
Later at drinks...
Tiffany Trump tells Nick she loves him.
Tiffany Trump: "I think I got a really good reaction even though he can’t say anything back."
They go to dinner. Corinne wears her best midriff-bearing shirt.
Corinne’s Dad looks like a cartoon character as he describes how this is Nick's fourth time on the show and how you don't get four strikes.
Tiffany Trump is super excited to introduce Nick to Nanny Raquel.
Nick: "This must be the infamous Raquel!"
Tiffany Trump explains to her family: "The girls used Raquel as something against me. They were like 'She has a Nanny.'"
Tiffany Trump's actual Mom: "She's their second Mom. I couldn't do a lot of things without her." Does Corinne live at home? I feel like that's the only way she could call Raquel her Nanny and I'm pretty sure she belongs to the parents.
I'm thinking maybe Corinne’s Dad's company is an olive company. He pitches: "These are my world-famous marinated Greek olives."
They dramatize whether Nick likes an olive.
Tiffany Trump does a normal human behavior and lays on a bed and tells her Daddy how much she likes Nick.
Corinne: "I told him today that I loved him."
Mr. Olympios asks what she sees in Nick. Tiffany Trump: "I see a person who cares about Corinne-- the good, the bad, the embarrassed. He sees a lot more than other people see in me."
Nick has a one-on-one with Nanny Raquel. Nanny Raquel: "So what is your intention with her?"
Corinne's Dad: "And what does he plan on doing?"
Tiffany Trump: "He used to sell software... I’m OK with being the breadwinner."
Corinne's Dad: "Can Nick make a living to raise a family and keep Corinne happy?"
Nick talks to Corinne’s Dad.
He tells Nick that Corinne told him she's OK with being breadwinner. Nick is supes embarrassed and says, "Well, that means a lot that she said that but I hope to be the breadwinner myself!"
Corinne's Mom to Corinne: "But don’t forget, it’s fantasy." Corinne: "No, Mom, it’s very real. If he choses one of the other girls I am going to be heartbroken."
Nick is SO particular about how he phrases asking the Dad for Corinne’s hand in marriage.
Mr. Olympios gives his blessing to Nick and they cheers to seal the deal.
Corinne's Dad: "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot."
Nick and Corinne leave. Nanny Raquel cleans up the dinner while the Olympios family watches Corinne make out with Nick from above.
Vanessa's Montreal Hometown
Nick flies to Canada. He greets Vanessa by tilting his head like a moron.
Nick doesn't shield Vanessa from the rain with the umbrella but to be fair he spent a longer time on his hair.
Nick goes to Vanessa’s special needs school.
Vanessa makes her students make another scrapbook of her photos of her and Nick's love story.
Vanessa's students tell Nick he is lucky.
Looking back on that first scrapbook it’s very weird they’re all over 21. They all hug goodbye.
Vanessa: "If you think I'm close with my students, my relationship with my family is on a whole other level."
Vanessa: "My family's approval is very important for me." She then alludes to going through a bad breakup which was "probably just as tough" on her family?
Nick jokes he's going to greet her family by saying "Buenos noches!"
Nick meets 100 people in Vanessa's Mom's family.
Brother Patrick is a ginger version of AJ Soprano.
Vanessa's family interrogates Nick and Vanessa on their plans.
Vanessa's Mom asks Nick, "What is it about Vanessa that really stood out?"
Nick: "Like, when she got out of the limo, like, I liked your daughter right away. SO CREEPY.
Vanessa's Mom: "But I'm not really want to know about the look-wise... I want her to find someone—her equal in a lot of ways."
Vanessa's sister questions Nick next. Sister: "She really does put her happiness aside... I'm just really scared for her. I'll hate you if you break her heart, I really will."
Vanessa chats with her creepy bro. Bro: "What would you do job-wise?" Vanessa: "Well, that's the thing. I don't know."
Bro Patrick: "You're like the greatest person in my life." Then he references her bad breakup again. How the fuck did this breakup affect her family so much? Bro Patrick: "I'm scared of that happening again."
Vanessa tells her sister how much she cares about Nick.
Sis: "What is he planning on doing after this anyway?"
Vanessa's Mom has similar questions.
Vanessa's Mom: "I have to pick her up again, and I don't want to go through this again, cause it's tough on me too." I don’t think my parents have felt burdened by any of my breakups??
Nick drags Vanessa out the door.
Hometown Date with Vanessa's Dad
Vanessa’s Stepmom looks just like her Mom.
Vanessa's Dad asks Nick the same question as the Mom, "What you find, you know, so special with uh, Vanessa compared to all the rest of the girls?" Nick fixed his answer for the Dad.
Nick: "I was initially drawn to her not just because I thought she was beautiful.."
Vanessa’s Dad re: three other Dads: "Did you ask their blessing also?"
Vanessa's Dad: "What do you mean, run it by them? It's yes or no." Love this guy.
Nick: "Um, this is real life for me." They shake on his half-blessing, closing the deal and ending the conversation.
Vanessa's Dad tells her that Nick asked for his blessing but that he had asked everyone's Dads. Vanessa is upset even though this happens in every season of this show.
Vanessa: "Knowing that’s a question that was shared with other people makes it less meaningful. If he’s not sure at this point in the game, that makes me want to re-evaluate where our relationship is at."
Nick puts her in the limo: "Stay out of your head OK?"
A quick cut to a dark curb puddle suggests Vanessa is NOT staying out of her head.
New York Rose Ceremony
Nick sips and ponders in the Big Apple.
They act as if Vanessa is gonna storm into Nick's hotel room to confront him.
Andi shows up at his door. Ugh. As if this will lead to ANYTHING. Most people watching this probably don't even know who she is.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Upcoming scenes from Nick's journey: more tears...
I LOVE these Revenant scenes they keep teasing us with:
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase