By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 7 (Air Date: 2/13/17)
I was BOMBARDED with spoilers before this episode had even aired on the west coast. THANKS A LOT BACHELOR. DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL I HAVE?! They announced the next Bachelorette is Next-Bachelorette-Rachel. Awesome. Nick tweets THIS about "hashtag diversity"...
Possible reasons for this weirdly early announcement: controlling the narrative of who the audience roots for, trying to get better casting for her season, or it was already going to come out and they wanted to beat it.
Back to the show. It's the next morning after Nick's weepy hotel room spaz attack. We see the women sitting in silence, digesting. Raven: "For him to cry and lay it all out there..."
Side note, I know this is a complete pipe dream but I really wish we knew where all the contestants stood on the election.
Lord Harrison and Nick Chat
Nick pouts alone on an overturned boat.
Lord Harrison approaches, "How's it going, brother?"
They discuss Nick's insecurities in this process working out. It definitely feels like they've already had this conversation offscreen and are re-creating it for drama. Nick: "I've been incredibly confident in relationships before..."
Nick: "There’s a million ways this won’t work out." Lord Harrison: "Are you ready to quit and walk away from all this?" Lord Harrison would never let him quit.
Nick Barges into the Women's Hotel Room without Actually Knocking AGAIN
Nick fake-knocks AS he enters. Next-Bachelorette-Rachel: "He could say he doesn’t want to do any of this." Pretty sure he can't, contractually. Nick: "Where's everyone?"
A couple of the girls have to get out of bed.
Nick: "Um, I'm very sorry for um, barging in last night."
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel and Russian Kristina cuddle as Nick explains his doubts about the whole process to the group.
Nick is crying again. He tells them his relationship with Danielle didn’t compete with "the strength I feel in this room."
Nick tells them he's not giving up! The ladies rejoice.
Nick announces he's cancelling the cocktail party/rose ceremony and that they're going to head "to the beautiful island of Bimini." Now the girls are actually excited. Nick acts like this trip is of his own volition and not a recourse of the producers because he screwed up the show's timing by sending too many people home at once.
They go to Bimini
Raven: "It's the most beautiful place I've ever been, so nothing could go wrong."
Tiffany Trump hopes to get her first one-on-one date: "I hope that my date is something like, really romantic: boat ride, sushi, champagne, roses, candles. classic."
Vanessa gets the first one-on-one.
Vanessa: “I’ve been waiting for another one-on-one!” Tiffany Trump: “Wow. You lucky bitch.”
Tiffany Trump: "I'm getting frustrated and I'm really bloated."
Vanessa One-on-One Date
Vanessa: "I needed this date."
Nick looks like he's wasting away to nothing.
Back at the Hotel…
Tiffany Trump bitches about Vanessa for a while: "I don’t get from her that there’s much to open up about. I don’t see much depth to Vanessa. When I talk to her it's just 'My family is Italian, and we get together every Sunday and we make pasta.'"
Tiffany Trump: "Nick only sees this special needs teacher that is just so pretty, pretty perfect. We get it Vanessa. OK."
Back to Vanessa & Nick…
Nick talks to Vanessa about getting to Hometowns Week.
Nick wants to make sure he doesn't lose the relationship with her. Vanessa: “I’m not going anywhere.”
Vanessa: "Nick is someone that I had always envisioned existed I never thought that I would meet."
They are forced to make out in the water while wearing snorkels.
Vanessa: "This feeling is love."
Vanessa "can't wait to see his facial reaction" to her telling him she loves him. She knows "that Nick is feeling the same way."
Nick: “So… hometowns is next week.”
Nick: "I really, really like you a lot."
Nick: "I’ve never dated multiple women before."
Nick: "I want to say it in a way like I’ve never felt before." Vanessa: "I’m just afraid to end up like Nick did. Heartbroken at the end of this."
Nick's Date with Raven, Russian Kristina and Tiffany Trump
Nick: "Hey, ladies! Ahoy!"
Tiffany Trump: "I’ve been on a bigger boat than this."
They play porno music for Corinne taking her clothes off.
Kristina then declares herself a "fighter", takes her clothes off, and asks Nick to slather her up in sunscreen.
Nick puts sunscreen in ALL the places he assumes she can't reach. Nick: "Get that inner thigh."
Nick makes a terrible joke about how he's going to leave Tiffany Trump on a small island. Then he tells them they're going to swim with sharks. Nick: "Corinne, I've never known you to back down from anything."
Raven jokes about the other two getting eaten by sharks. For a girl who beat the shit out of her boyfriend with a stiletto, none of these threats seem like jokes.
Nick’s hair looks so stupid.
Tiffany Trump is pissed Russian Kristina seems to be getting the most attention from Nick.
Triple Date Cocktail Hour...
Tiffany Trump looks shit-faced.
Nick can’t stop crying as he talks to Russian Kristina about how hard this process is on him.
Nick buries his head into Kristina’s tits.
Tiffany Trump: "I’m just eating cheese. I’m eating my feelings."
Nick and Raven discuss how her "Daddy" will respond to this situation. Nick: "Knowing my story, I would have a shit-ton of questions." Raven explains that she dropped out of law school because her Dad got cancer.
Tiffany Trump interrogates Nick about why she hasn't gotten a one-on-one date.
Nick: "I think you would agree with me that that [two-on-one] date for us was as beneficial for the relationship as any date that I've had."
Nick: "You're still here. You’re--you're doing something right."
Tiffany Trump: "And now Corinne is Corinne again."
Raven gets the rose and one-on-one though. What a ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS!
Raven and Nick make out the very SECOND they can't be seen by the other women.
The Next Morning...
Danielle M is a straight up child and freaks the FUCK out for her date card.
She writhes around on the couch in ecstasy.
Tiffany Trump: "I always want to be the apple of Nick’s eye... I woke up this morning crying."
Nick & Danielle's One-on-One
Danielle tells Nick she missed riding a bike. Nick says, "Yeah, it’s like a swing. You know?"
Nick: "Have you learned at all about some of the history on this island?" Are they allowed to have books? Where would she learn this? Danielle likes him, "Like 150 bajillion percent."
They drink beers covered in hay. Nick: "Whether it's nerves or chemistry, right now, Danielle and I seem to be struggling having a more natural conversation."
Nick: "You’re fun to have fun with and I always appreciate that... Your face is pretty great." Nick looks like a schoolboy in a dumb sweater.
Danielle tells Nick that her heart is open to him. Nick: "When I've been in love... this kind of longing, you know, like this burning desire of missing them, of craving them... I want that with you but I'm realizing that I don't think my heart can get there. I'm sorry. You're just so great."
Danielle: "I'm not great enough."
Danielle says goodbye to the women, "I need to go before I totally lose it."
Tiffany Trump Tries to Fuck Nick
Tiffany Trump decides to make her own one-on-one with Nick by surprising him in his hotel room.
Corinne dresses like the chick from Grease when she gets "bad" at the end to please the dude.
Nick makes this face as he answers the door.
Nick says "what a surprise" so many times that it makes me think it's definitely not a surprise. He calls her "sneaky, sneaky."
Nick asks her "what do you have in mind?" Tiffany Trump suggests they move to the bedroom.
Tiffany Trump: "My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum." Is "vagine" what the kids are calling it these days?
From outside the closed door we hear a series of bizarre phrases in between Nick and Tiffany Trump kissing: "You have to have two hands on at all times... Never jiggle... Lightly massage... There's no beating around the bush with me... I'm very attracted." And finally, Nick: "Wait, wait, wait. Slow-- slow down."
Nick tells her it's not a good idea so they don't have regrets. Tiffany Trump leaves upset. She is so devastated that she skips this open sliding door and chooses to push another further door open to get out of the hotel?
Tiffany Trump: "Sneaking over to Nick's room completely backfired."
Nick and Rachel go to a bar he insists that "no tourists go to" and drink beers covered in hay again.
Nick asks her a question he mysteriously hasn't asked any of the other women: "Will I be similar to guys you dated before or will they be like 'What?!'"
Rachel's no idiot, "No, I’ve never brought home a white guy... I love sports but I don’t play games."
The bartender tells Rachel to make sure "this guy really needs you and doesn't just want you."
They laugh and sign their names on the ceiling of the bar, that appears to be covered by things written by tourists like "Camille and Theresa from Brooklyn, NY."
The concept of Rachel bringing home her first white dude is so hot they make out.
Back at the Hotel...
Tiffany Trump is freaking out that she’s going home, "I feel like I'm last on the totem pole here."
Nick tells Lord Harrison that he's going to break up with one woman without putting her through a rose ceremony. Lord Harrison: "It’s a necessary evil." Of course. Nick storms into the women's Hotel Room. Tiffany Trump: "I'm having a fucking nervous breakdown."
Nick: "Where’s Kristina?" YESSSSSS TIFFANY TRUMP IS STAYING!!!
Nick breaks up with Kristina.
Nick: "I have such a love for you but I don’t feel in love."
Kristina: "You didn’t give me a fair chance." Nick: "There are stronger relationships in the house."
Nick starts crying, "It’s not because I don’t think you’re amazing."
The other women try to comfort a distraught Kristina.
Tiffany Trump is still not sure this means she's safe.
Kristina: "I was falling in love with Nick and it’s hard to go home."
Everyone is upset by this "necessary evil."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Twitter if you want to know when I post recaps: @pacecase
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 6 (Air Date: 2/06/17)
I'm not going to lie. I was slightly down on our show last week. I could not take all that ghost shit. But Bachelor once again proved me a COMPLETELY IDIOTIC cynic and bounced back in a big way. This was the Red Wedding of Bachelor episodes and maybe the only thing that's brought me pure joy in months.
Constable Taylor's Last Stand
Taylor comes back from the dead, now imbued with the magical powers of the actors from the bayou seance, and crashes Nick's one-on-one date with Tiffany Trump. We hear Tiffany Trump exclaim, "What the fuck is she doing here?" She definitely doesn’t say that line at that moment. Nick instinctively covers his face. Taylor says she has two things, #1: Corinne lied today. #2 she asks Nick to come talk to her.
Corinne has a wonderful back and forth with the producers while they're talking: "Why is she here?... I hate her... I'm having an anxiety attack... This is supposed to be my time with him. She’s an evil, annoying, lying bitch.”"
Taylor meanwhile bullies Nick and repeats the same shit she said to him in the forest. Nick: "I don’t respect bullies... I don't think you're a bully." Constable Taylor: "I just-- I want you to like, open your eyeballs."
Nick comes back and explains to Corinne: "She just wanted to express herself." Taylor finally goes home.
Tiffany Trump's confessional: "What I learned tonight is cats have nine lives, bitches have two... Taylor, I’m sorry Nick doesn’t want you. You lost today. You’re done. And don’t ever call me a liar in front of my boyfriend."
Lord Harrison announces there’s no cocktail party and that the women should "get [their] thoughts together."
Jaimi wears purple sendoff lipstick. Dolphin Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine go home.
Nick seems to have been given a note before this episode to try to inject some personality into the show. He attempts so at first by enthusiastically yelling a speech at the women about going to St. Thomas, "It's a place that could not BE more romantic..."
They go to St. Thomas
Nick continues taking the note too far. Nick: "You know, I love the island living!"
I would love to see a YouTube compilation of all the different people saying “X is the perfect place to fall in love." There's a bizarre up-crotch shot of Nick in a small plane.
The women are forced to welcome Nick's arrival by lining up and cheering his name as his plane flies by.
They must've told Nick to pretend he's waving at the women. It's the only explanation for why he is waving from the opposite side of the plane that’s so far away.
Kristina gets the first one-on-one date and Jasmine starts crying. Whitney and Jasmine haven’t gotten individual dates.
Jazz: "I didn't think it would be like this at all."
Kristina's Sad Childhood Date
Kristina speaks Russian. Nick says like Sean Connery: "I find that fashinating."
Nick, reading out the lines that the producers are giving him, hopes he can "knock down these walls that Kristina has up." His only piece of flair he adds is his lisp.
Back at the hotel...
They hire a local PA, Lorna, and give her to the group as a surrogate Nanny.
Back to Kristina...
Kristina tells her incredibly depressing life story. She grew up in Russia and never had food as a child. Her Mom told her not to eat one day but she disobeyed and ate LIPSTICK and then her Mom kicked her out of the house. She joined an orphanage, and then later chose to transfer to the US to avoid a life of prostitution.
Nick’s face is so dumb listening to this story.
Kristina calls her choice to give up her whole life behind in Russia, leaving behind a life in black and white for a life in color in America.
Nick: "Thank you for sharing."
Nick: "When I was six I was crying about going to kindergarten. I can't even begin to try to relate."
Nick: “When I’m with you I feel like you bring color to my life.”
Chad (@BachelorClues): "You’re my America. Kaitlyn was my Russia."
Kristina and Nick go for some traditional post-sob-story dancing.
Nightmare Beach Group Date
This is the episode of Nick’s dumbass waves.
Nick asks a series of rapid-fire questions that give him a statistical survey of insight into all of their characters: "Chocolate or Vanilla?" Vanessa screams, "Chocolate!" Nick: "Someone likes their sweets."
Raven always sounds like she’s auditioning to host some sort of offshoot Miss America pageant.
Nick gets all the girls wasted, "Shots!!"
They play drunken beach games.
NICK DOES THIS DANCE. Nick: "I feel like a drunk little baby dinosaur."
They start playing beach volleyball and no one likes it. Raven: "I'm sure Corinne would be an amazing volleyball player if she wasn't drunk." Corinne: “I hate this. Oh my god I’m so athletic. I’m going to sleep."
Nick calls her back over, so Corinne pounds shots and then tries to leap into his arms, wasted. Possibly my favorite moment, as Vanessa shoots them the evil eye from afar.
Nick: "I thought you were about to like, take me down."
Danielle M is "tired of Nick always going after [Corinne]."
Corinne is literally the only person trying to have fun on the date. She holds hands with America's Sweetheart Rachel so she can't be that bad. The intensity of the volleyball game heats up.
Jazz chases Nick around the court.
They just called Raven in for a day to retell this entire love story in corny puns: "If Jasmine was a vegetable, she'd be a turnip, because she is turned all the way up!"
Jazz: "Rachel, keep talking shit, bitch!"
Jazz then knocks Tiffany Trump onto the sand.
Rachel quits the game saying, "I'm not going to compete for Nick's attention."
Does this volleyball game even have stakes? Do they get more time if they win? Why are they all so upset? I feel like they cut something major out.
Vanessa: "I'm just fed up of having to compete for time." She starts crying.
Danielle M cries.
Now they’re all sitting by themselves on the beach, crying. Except Corinne, who is asleep.
This is like the PIG ISLAND DISASTER on Ben’s Season all over again. I wonder if it's related to everyone being naked.
Later at Group Date Cocktail Hour...
Next Bachelorette/Lawyer Rachel expresses her negative feelings about the beach portion of the day.
She insinuates that she was about to leave, "I just feel like I'm out of my element, 100%... I was not about to come here tonight."
Nick tries to assuage her fears by telling her that he also lost his mind when he was in her shoes: "I had anxiety. I had panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep. I drove myself insane." He then does his stump speech thanking her for communicating her thoughts. Rachel: "Even if I’m on my way out I will let you know."
NICK: "I WOULD LOSE MY MIND IF YOU WIGGED OUT AND WERE LIKE-- THEN YOU PEACED OUT."
Back at the Hotel...
Danielle L throws out some made up Two-on-One date statistics, "You know, 99% of the time, only one person comes back."
The Sanderson Poe episode was the best two-on-one.
Back at Cocktails...
Raven: "Jazz seems to be making a turn into the emotional side." Jazz: "How patient can you fucking be?"
Turnt Jazz wants to punch Nick because, "anyone with me would be so thankful to have me."
Nick is calling the women in order of how much he likes them.
Jazz: "I’m not here to be on your roster and have a good time... I've been to St. Thomas. I don't need to be here."
Second physical threat by Jazz: "I like him so much but I want to choke him right now."
Rachel identifies that Jazz is "in her head." Last time she said a woman was in her head, it was Dominique and she immediately got dumped. Jazz confronts Nick about not getting special time with him.
Nick: "So, I mean, you-- you are OK or not?" She’s SO clearly not OK.
Jazz: "I want to fucking choke you so bad..."
JAZZ FAKE CHOKES NICK. NICK MAKES THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE FACE THERE’S EVER BEEN.
Jazz doesn't notice how not into it he is: "I just want to like, throw your ass down, put you in the chokey."
Jazz: "Do you want me to show you?" Nick: "No, not even a little."
She takes it further: "I can get on top of you, like straddle you..."
Nick: "I'm not into that." Jazz: "I'll save it."
Nick: " I didn’t have the best conversation with Jasmine."
Nick dumps Jazz.
Nick: "It’s never easy to say goodbye to anyone."
Jazz: “I mean, it could have happened. It was gonna happen..." She doesn't think he gave her a chance.
Apparently Raven gets the group date rose but we don't see it.
Danielle L vs. Silent Whitney
Nick: "What do you say we get going?" He sounds like their drunk surf instructor.
It’s really weird hearing Whitney's voice so much. She sounds like she’s talking in a post-game about her volleyball match: "Going into today, doing the same thing..."
Nick: "I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you’re really beautiful." He swipes his paw up her entire leg.
Nick then asks Danielle L, "When you ask yourself 'could I spend the rest of my life with Nick', what are some of the things you asked yourself?"
Nick likes her answers and goes to talk to Whitney.
Nick: "Obviously I just talked to Danielle... That made me think more of our conversation."
Nick: "I feel like, in my heart, I just feel like I can't."
Whitney throws shade: "I think it’s easier to let a relationship evolve when you spend more time with the other person."
Nick: "I wish nothing but the best for you."
They have a weirdly long break up hug.
MORE LUGGAGE DRAMA!
Yesssss they’re leaving her on the beach as they helicopter away!!!
Nick doesn't appear stoked on his choice.
Whitney: "I just didn't see that coming."
Whitney has literally never been rejected by a man before
Back at the Hotel...
Vanessa: "I’m still a little shaken by this entire week."
This is the first time we've heard them talk shit on D-Lo. Danielle M: "I don't see him and D-Lo together."
D-Lo One-on-One Date
D-Lo's vocal fry is Kardashian worthy. D-Lo: "Dancing has become our thing."
D-Lo has said a million times that she’s "almost" falling in love.
Nick comes back to his love questionnaire: "If you could take out, say communication and honesty, what is kind of like one or two words that you would, a way to describe the type of relationship you'd want?" D-Lo: "Love. Trust."
Nick: "I think it would be adventurous. I think it would be raw." Corinne is definitely the most adventurous and raw.
D-Lo tells Nick: "I am falling in love with you." NICK DOES ANOTHER WEIRD THING WITH HIS HAND. D-Lo acts like this is their inside joke: "I know. My hands."
NICK DUMPS D-LO. Tears stream down his face: "It was more the idea of something."
D-Lo doesn't look that sad for getting dumped by the person she just said she's falling in love with. Nick is surface level but he’s not as surface level as Danielle.
Nick: "Maybe it's me."
Danielle is the most beautiful crier.
Nick looks like he’s about to kill himself. THIRD SUITCASE DRAMA!!!
RACHEL IS THE 'IN-HIS/HER-HEAD-WHISPERER'. Rachel: "I think right now, Nick is in his head."
Nick wonders if he's "trying too hard to make it work."
Tiffany Trump: "It’s just us."
Nick storms into their hotel room, CRYING...
I feel pure fucking joy. Am I an asshole? Nick explains to the women what happened, "It’s a relationship that just kind of fell flat." Then he tells them he's worried it will keep happening. Why is he telling them this?
Nick: "Right now I feel terrified that it’s not going to happen. I don’t know if I can keep doing this." Gotta feel pretty good if you’re D-Lo right now. You broke him.
Nick runs out.
SCENES: literally everyone is crying. but Corinne is going to fuck the sadness away.