They go to Peru. Eerie is so old he can barely summon the energy to do this gesture. Eerie: “We’re finally here. In Peru!”
EERIE IS NATHAN FIELDER!!!! How did I not realize this before?
Imagine thinking you’re going on this show getting Hot Peter and getting Eerie. Eerie tells us there’s more to Peru than Machu Picchu. Could they not swing Machu Picchu funds?
Taxidermist's Fantasy Suite
This dude drives them over the sand in a dune buggy so that they don't crash like the RHOC ladies. Eerie completely phoning it in: "dune buggies are like a relationship, you know, there's ups and downs." They DO crash and get stuck on a sand mountain. Eerie and Taxidermist abandon the driver to deal with that. Eerie keeps eating the whole time Taxidermist tells him about her emotions. Kendall: “I don’t want Arie to date me just because I’m quirky.” V not into her self-awareness about how she's so "interesting."
Later at drinks…
Taxidermist tells Eerie she's “falling in love.” Eerie is so disgusting when he uses his baby voice during Pillow Time: “You’re so beautiful.” They bang.
The next morning…
Eerie: “This is what I learned about you last night. Is how you take your eggs.”
Eerie: “How are you feeling? Emotionally not just physically.” Get it? He fucked her? They have Pillow Time by the ocean.
LB's Fantasy Suite
LB puts on makeup while fife music plays. LB: “We’ll have a lot to talk about.” They literally never have anything to talk about. They have them fly in a helicopter over dope geoglyphs so it's so loud and you don't notice they're the most boring couple of all time.
LB tells Eerie about her fears. Eerie’s fucking baby voice again: “Yeah.” SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME PLEASE COUNT THE AMOUNT OF TIMES HE SAYS YEAH THIS EP.
LB: "I don’t know how you can do this but I need to feel like the only girl that you see." Eerie's only response is a dopey smile.
LB is so uninteresting it’s almost comes out the other side as interesting again. Eerie tries to reassure her that at the end of this, "I will have exhausted all those other relationships." And by "exhausted" of course I mean stuck my key in all of those other ignitions to completion first.
LB seems really nervous. EERIE TELLS LB HE LOVES HER. HE SAYS IT AGAIN. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE'S DONE THIS PRE-FUCKING THREE WOMEN!!! Unlovable Ben is the only other person to say "I love you" to two women but at least he waited until they were final two. Eerie pulls out the fantasy suite card from under a plate. He’s hid it???? They go fuck.
The next morning...
A rooster wakes up the boring white people. Eerie continuously does his baby voice: "I love you!!!" EERI'ES FUCKING OUTFIT!!! Eerie: "It’s going to get a little harder before it gets easier."
Becca's Fantasy Suite
They go in a boat. This date is so much better than those sand activities Taxidermist had to do. Becca: “I never thought I’d be on a catamaran with my boyfriend.”
Eerie: "How are you with distance?" They talk about moving to Scottsdale. My worst fucking nightmare is hanging with Eerie and his Mom and his lame car friends at the racetrack in Scottsdale. Their fantasy suite is a tiny tent in the desert? That SUCKS. LB had an en-suite hot tub but you get to share a freezing twin bed and shit in the sand.
Becca: "Can I live here now?" What? Why? Eerie tells Becca his three biggest fears. No love, unrequited love, and wrong choice love. Becca tells Eerie she loves him.
Eerie: “No I’m not falling I am… I love you.” They all think they’ve won when he tells them this. That’s why this is manipulating them into fucking.
The Next Morning...
Someone's Ex who can get it is here! Ex says he's so committed: "I’d climb every one of those sand dunes." It would be hilarious if this was Arie’s ex. It’s Becca’s ex though. Really coincidental timing he shows up in Peru right after Becca's fucked Eerie! He meets with Eerie first for some reason. He tells Eerie this is his "proposal to give her."
Eerie: "Do you think this is more the competition side of things?... We’re pretty far down the road."
Ex doesn't care: "Imma go get her." Eerie: "Fucking nerd." HAHA. "It’s a huge step from we broke up a year ago to I’m going to propose... It’s taking away from something pretty beautiful right now." Ex knocks on Becca's door.
Becca: “How did you know I’m here?” Becca asks for permission from the producers for them to sit on the stairs. Ex declares his love and tries to make her remember all their beautiful times in San Diego. Becca: "You live your life in a movie. You think it’s going to work out like the Notebook."
Becca rejects him. Ugh. Becca and Eerie chat… Eerie: "There has to be some part of him that thought this gesture would work." It's worked on me. Ex for new Bachelor.
There’s a horse for culture. Eerie for sure fucked all three of them. LB: "I’m going to throw up." Correct.
Eerie pulls Taxidermist and sends her home. It would be funny if she had to go to the airport in the same car as Becca’s Ex. I love when Eerie has to talk to both of them at the same time.
Taxidermist Kendall's LA Hometown
Taxidermist has somehow managed to make it to Hometowns without having a One-on-One. So she's literally introducing him to her family without being alone with him on a date! Great! Where will she take Eerie for her daytime-hometown in the cultural mecca of Los Angeles? A place of taxidermy. POST-WEINSTEIN, we're still portraying women on this show as one-dimensional and we have to re-hit the same joke over and over. She's the quirky one. Taxidermist explains that they're going to taxidermy rats.
Kendall tells Eerie she got into this because she'd find dead animals on hikes and want to preserve them. Normal hike stuff. They then make their rat corpses make out.
Eerie meets Kendall's family...
Kendall has an IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER NAMED KYLIE?!?!?!?!? I never stop reacting to this. She also has a brother named Colton who is kind of hot.
Taxidermist told Eerie that Kylie is super into reading energies and she's right. Kylie: "My fear for Kendall is that she'd lie to herself and jump into a relationship without actually having the base to really feel out everything." Kendall reassures her by telling her that her reaction to Eerie saying he was falling for her was to shut him up with a kiss. The fact that she can tell Eerie is a drip makes me love her and want her to be next Bachelorette.
Taxidermist's Dad asks Eerie if this is "something that's real?" then says BACHELOR IT'S 2018 and blessings are up to Kendall. But only the first part. Taxidermist follows Kylie's advice to lay it all on the table and tells Eerie she's falling for him.
Tattler Tia's Weiner, Arkansas Hometown
The titles person was so distracted by the name of Tia's hometown that they put Alaska's initials instead of Arkansas.
Tattler Tia takes Eerie racing cars in order to keep him so much in his comfort zone he'll forget that she doesn't resemble his mother physically as much as the other women. At least the hitting the one-note car-racing over and over extends to Eerie as well as the women.
Eerie meets Tattler Tia's parents...
Tia's Dad keeps calling Eerie "Airy" which makes me think he reads these recaps. SHOUTOUT TO TIA'S DAD! They do a little wiener toast.
Tattler Tia's brother pulls Eerie and asks him if all the internet rumors are true that Eerie is a huge player and a "Kissing Bandit". Eerie tells him he's done with all the loose fucking, that's not who he is now, and that he's ready to find a wife.
Eerie describes what he likes about Tia to her Dad as a "strong Southern woman who puts me in my place." It's like an alien put itself in a taxidermied 40-year-old skin suit and tries to say a sentence like someone with emotions about people would say.
Tia's Dad is also active on the same internet forums as his son and asks Eerie if he's a "playboy." Eerie points out that he might not realize that dating 25 women at once is "stressful." As EVERY SINGLE HOMETOWN, they advertise the Dad being tough but Tia's Dad quickly gives the blessing. Tia's Dad jokes: "If you hurt her, I can find you on Google." They have no chemistry but Tattler Tia tells Eerie that she's in love with him again, just as she did on their first date.
Becca K's Minneapolis Hometown
Becca takes Eerie to apple-pick where she and her friends annually take Instagram pictures to show they live in a place with fall. I still think she wins. LB has baggage. Tia Tattled. Kendall hates him.
Eerie meets Becca's family...
Becca tells Eerie that her Pastor Uncle Gary has been her second father after her Dad passed away when she was 19. Pastor Uncle Gary asks if Eerie will support Becca's religiousness. Eerie says yes and Pastor Uncle Gary is satisfied.
Becca tries to convince Mama K that this is real.
Eerie feeds Mama K some bullshit stock line of his parents "choosing each other every day" and she warms to him. He asks for the blessing and she's again like, if Becca deems you worthy, fine. THIS IS YOUR THIRD ONE EERIE. DON'T YOU AND THIS SHOW GET THAT BLESSINGS ARE A REMNANT OF A PAST WHEN FATHERS WOULD TRADE THEIR DAUGHTERS FOR SHIT LIKE GOATS AND ORE??!?! Eerie: "I LOVE THAT!" FUCKKKKKK UUUUUU!!!!!!!! Then he tells Becca he got her blessing even though he really didn't...
LB's Virginia Hometown
Goddamnit why do we have to do this. Someone wanted to marry her? Ugh. Eerie rides horses through the water with LB. They have Pillow Time at the top of a lighthouse. Before they meet Eerie, LB's family discuss the situation and wonder if "Arie realizes how conservative our family is." EVEN BETTER.
Eerie meets LB's family...
They sit LB and Eerie very far from the family and Eerie describes it as "tense... on a scale of 1 to having a complete meltdown, I'm at about an 8." They make him tell LB she's beautiful in Dutch but no one reacts.
LB's Dad: "Have you ever known anybody in a military family before?" Eerie: "No!" LB's Dad: "Do you play golf?" Eerie: "No." Eerie steps out from the dinner POURING SWEAT. Jesus Christ is he going to pick her?
Eerie wins him back with a story of him and his racecar friends going to Iraq to hang out with soldiers. LB's Mom is also won over, "I trust Lauren."
LB tries to assuage her Mom's reservations by telling her that they can read each other's thoughts just by looking at each other.
She tells her that Eerie said he was falling in love with her and that he never would have said that if he said it "to other people." LB's Mom: "I hope it's real." How can it POSSIBLY be real?
Eerie flies back to LA and faces his Top Four. He immediately crumbles and leaves the room. When he finally gets his shit together, he pulls Kendall. Tattler Tia thinks the three remaining make the most sense for a Top Three.
Eerie basically tells Taxidermist that he's going to pick someone else he doesn't like as much unless she says she'll get engaged: "If you stay, someone else goes who's very ready to get married." Taxidermist Kendall doesn't give in but also says she doesn't want to break up. This is enough for Eerie to feel satisfied with keeping her for Fantasy Suites.
ROSES for Becca, LB, and TAXIDERMIST! Tattler Tia is heartbroken and asks Eerie what she did wrong and why she's not good enough and now I'm heartbroken. HE FUCKING SUCKS GIRL!!!! Eerie tells her "there's just something missing... not about your worth." It's not about your worth. You just don't look like my Mom like, AT ALL.