Lord Harrison welcomes the women to Tuscany. He gives them the numbers breakdown for the week so they're the correct amount of stressed for each date. He's really sleeping through this speech though: "Great dates... Fun... Arie... No pressure."
Tinkerbex does calculations this whole ep: “It’s almost half of us going home.”
Eerie painfully attempts Italian words throughout this episode. "Casually" leaning against a car, he yells at her: “Ciao, bella!”
Eerie: “Andiamo which means let’s go!”
Becca: “[Traveling with Eerie] is just telling of real life… I went to San Diego with my ex once and that was about it."
Becca: “Never question my feelings for you… I wouldn’t be here.. to be able to open up to you and get to that point.”
Eerie: “I like that.” Pillow Time. Watching Eerie’s hand graze Becca’s arm sends shivers down my spine.
Back at the Hotel…
Jacqueline's having "swirling" doubts and can’t picture Eerie having conversations with her parents.
Back on the Date…
Becca tells Eerie whom he’ll meet in her family who will ask him hard questions. Eerie: “They want honest answers. I love that.” HE SAYS I LOVE THAT ABOUT EVERYTHING I HATE THAT. How can she be into him?
Becca: “I can see a future.”
Pillow Time. Eerie: “That makes me happy.” Becca gets rose. Becca: “I’m not going to say anything stupid right now because I’m so excited.” That was stupid.
Eerie: “I loved today.” Fuck. You. Eerie puts his finger on Becca's mouth during Pillow Time.
Jacqueline’s Knock Knock
Jacqueline goes to Eerie's room. Eerie: “You’re shaking. Are you OK?” Jacqueline: “I’m going to have a sip of your wine.” Eerie: “What’s going on? Am I going to have to drink more wine?”
Jacqueline: “I had this moment of doubt on our date. I wasn’t ready to listen to it at the time… There have been these swirling doubts since then.”
Eerie: “You understand it doesn’t have to happen right away right?”
Jacqueline: “There are women here who are completely confident. I don’t know how to stay when that’s the case. I’m sorry... I’m also just outrageously attracted to you.” Pillow Time. Mixed messages Jacqueline. Jacqueline strokes his thigh then cries into his chest. What is she doing??
Eerie: “If you have any regret you come back to me.” Then she leaves.
Jacqueline sits on the floor crying. Jacqueline: “He’s so unbelievably lovable. Hi Arie you’re perfect in every way and yet I still don’t think I can marry you. OK. See ya... I think I suck at being happy.” I think you’re trusting your gut that this dude suuuuuuuucks.
LB’s so boring jesus christ. She says a bunch of words. Eerie does the coolest bike trick he knows.
LB re: setting: "It’s very Italian." Eerie: "Yeah." The fact that these conversations made the cut means they somehow filmed scenes that were even MORE boring. Eerie: “Pizza in Italy, check!”
Back at the Hotel…
The women discuss the possibility that the connection has to be mutual with Eerie as if it's a huge revelation. Becca: “We have to give those feelings back to him.”
Tinkerbex continues to math: “1/3 of us are going to go home.”
Back on the Date…
LB: “I want to toast to breaking down our walls.”
LB: “I feel like I’m starting to fall in love with you... “You seem like you have something to say about that.” Eerie: “I need to be right back.” Eerie LEAVES THE FUCKING TABLE.
Eerie: "I’m sorry about that." He’s not even going to say why he left? Eerie: “I really do see something between us… So with that, Lauren will you accept this rose?” LB: “Absofrickinlutely.”
LB: "Arie told me he’s falling deeply in love with me." Did he? Ugh, just realized we're going to have to watch an LB hometown.
Eerie: "I have to really feel those emotions with Seinne." COOL. Daww there’s cute truffle puppies. It sounds like this Italian truffle man keeps yelling MAGA! Eerie, the COMPLETE LACKEY HE IS, does a truffle digging metaphor: “I do dig Seinne. But can I dig deep enough?”
Seinne has to do a pre-hometown date with a random Italian family. Eerie: “I used to work at a pizza place.”
Later at Dinner…
Eerie: “Something’s off.” He can't quite put his finger on it... Eerie sends Seinne home.
At the Hotel...
They take Seinne’s bags away. Math time! Tinkerbex: “My odds just went up!”
Villa Group Date
Have they ever done a 3-on-1? Eerie comforts the women: this villa is “crazy cool.” Taxidermist feels confident: "Our moments have been great."
Taxidermist: “I’m extremely close to my family.”
Eerie: “I love that.” Drink.
Tinkerbex to Tia: “At times I have been like I want to go home." Tia's confessional: “I feel like it is my duty to let him know… I’m looking out for Arie.”
Tattle Tia to Eerie: “I feel like she may be on a different page than the rest of us.” Eerie: “I wouldn’t really harp on that too much.”
Tia: “The one constant thing has been my feelings for you.”
Eerie: “I love that.” Pillow Time.
Tia: “I love your lips.”
Eerie: “I love your lips.”
Tia tells Tinkerbex that she raised her doubts with Eerie. Tinkerbex starts crying.
Tinkerbex: “I don’t like when I’m not seen for who I really am... I feel like I just got kicked in the stomach.” Eerie takes some deep Krystal breaths with her and asks if her parents will care about the age difference. Tinkerbex tries to prove her maturity with her white hairs. Eerie gives Kendall the first rose and puts her in a limo. Now it’s a Two-on-One. Colorful Narrator/Tattler Tia: “Whoa Nelly.”
Tinkerbex vs. Tia
They force the women to sit facing each other, waiting for Eerie.
Eerie pulls Tia first. Tia: ”Comparison is a bitch.” Eerie acts as if Tia's being unreasonable in not chillaxing rn: “You stress too much.”
Tia: "I’ve never given my heart to someone who can [protect it]."
Eerie pulls Tinkerbex. Tinkerbex: “There’s parts of me to still see.” Eerie: “I know.”
Eerie is paralyzed by her getting him to picture their Fantasy Suite and can't speak English: “So much of this is trying to be logic, you know?”
Tinkerbex: “It’s going to feel magical to get the rose. Ugh!”
Eerie’s contouring is out of control. Wowwww he sends Tinkerbex home! Tia throws her head back in relief to be done with this step of the torture marathon. Tia: "Arie’s coming to Arkansas!" Tinkerbex graciously leaves: “It’s going to end well for you. I know it is.” Tinkerbex cries in the limo: "It’s hard for me to accept that this journey is over." It's hard for me too.
If anyone missed last week's episode, here is a summary in one image:
The Gang Goes to Paris
The women are stoked to finally travel to the Fort Lauderdale of Europe, Paris. Krystal goes dressed as Bad Sandy.
They boat down the Seine. They yell at Paris: "Bonjour Arie!"
Lord Harrison meets with Eerie, explaining to him that Paris is, "easily the most romantic city in the world." Eerie can't believe what an emotional journey this has been: "These feelings are like, so strong." Eerie mentions the Becckkaahs and Tia. Guessing they make Hometowns.
Lord Harrison announces the date number breakdowns, including the first two-on-one. Yussss. Krystal knows she's been getting the Villain Edit and already assumes she's on it: "I wonder who will be on the Two-on-One with me... There’s been a target on my back."
LB One-on-One Date
They make the rest of the women watch LB and Eerie go on their date from the boat. LB: "All the girls are really jealous." Eerie: “That’s OK.” That's OK. That's kinda the whole point of all of this. They wander around Paris and get the Silence Edit. Eerie: “Look at how pretty that is.” LB: “Wow.”
Eerie: “Sometimes I get the sense like maybe Lauren isn’t very into me.”
Eerie: “I have a crush on you and I want you to like me.” Eerie repeatedly says that she's so hot that he wants it to work.
Back at the Hotel…
Jacqueline says she’s been "completely out of [her] comfort zone" 100% of the time on these dates with Eerie.
Back on the Date…
Eerie cheerses LB with another creepy AF WINK. Eerie: “It’s pretty good.” LB: “Heh. Heh.” They talk about how overwhelmed they were by all the crowds. K. Eerie tells her how he barely can get anything out of her but "the little moments I see I really love."
LB: "I usually put people in the friend zone for 6 months." Eerie then reveals some insane shit out of left field, about how his Ex who was a Mom was "actually pregnant with my child.” Then she miscarried while he was out of town and dumped him.
LB now feels comfortable to admit: "I actually was engaged to my last ex." Eerie responds with a childish side frown. LB: “I thought that he was my person I was going to be with the rest of my life. As soon as we got engaged he was cool with not treating me well anymore.” LB starts crying. Eerie comforts her: “I think you worry too much... I know that you’re beautiful but you’re much more than that to me.” He gives her the rose. Shoot me in the fucking face.
Moulin Rouge Group Date
Becca: “When I think of Paris, I think of the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre. I think of burlesque shows.” You do??
I want whatever drugs Straddler Jenna is on: “This is amazing. This is like, probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” Tia continues in her role of Colorful Narrator: “Their outfits are thongs. Um, yeah.”
Seinne thinks she has an advantage because she "grew up dancing." Becca K: “I’ve never been in more pain in an outfit before.”
Whoever gets the rose gets to go on stage and dance with Arie. That sounds like a punishment though? OMG EERIE’S OUTFIT!!!
THEY HAVE TO BLACK BOX ALL THEIR OUTFITS AS THEY PERFORM.
Later at Drinks…
After the women spent the whole day performing naked sexy dances to win extra time with Eerie, he reneges on this threat for the SECOND ep in a row. I wish Krystal was here to double down on her liar accusations. Eerie: "It’s not based off today. It's based off my connection. So, with that, Tia will you join me." SO WITH THAT should be on Eerie's gravestone.
Tia: "That was the most insecure freaked out moment of my life." Eerie: "I feel like we have something really cool and special and I love it." Tia: "I find myself daydreaming about you and about us." Full-blown Stockholm Syndrome.
Eerie has Pillow Time with his baby Tinkerbex. Tinkerbex: “It’s hard for me to believe other peoples’ relationships are progressing at that rate.”
Seinne lies that she thinks "it’s good [the judging] is not about the dancing." Eerie to Seinne: “If you can, just don’t put up many walls.” Seinne says, "I’m really happy to be in Paris with you" in French. Eerie, completely devoid of culture or any fucking interesting thing to say: “Aww. I love that.” He doesn't love it as much as he loves Tinkerbex though, who gets the rose.
Later at Tinkerbex’s Performance…
Erie lip-syncs French and it's awful and he looks like a fucking clown and I get more and more frustrated that he's espoused as "the best" America has to offer.
HA they make the other women watch this performance.
They have Pillow Time on stage... then backstage... then in front of the windmill. This season is basically just a Pillow Time Super Cut, inter-spliced with Krystal talking shit.
Back at the Hotel…
The women find out Taxidermist is gonna be versus Cruel Krystal. Krystal to camera: "Can we talk about how much Kendall shit her pants?" Krystal keeps poking at Kendall. Krystal: "She’s shaking. She’s so nervous. How boring are the other relationships? I mean really. Baby, I’m wife material. Fun wife material.”
Taxidermist vs. Cruel Krystal
They haven’t brought up Krystal’s homeless brother recently in order to keep portraying her as the villain. Eerie ditches Taxidermist and Krystal in a maze. We see several The Shining shots of Krystal as they're both forced to do this stakesless task. Krystal finds Eerie first and it's NOTHING.
Eerie and Krystal
Eerie is wearing makeup again? Eerie: "Things have gone downhill since [our first date]. If I see that same Krystal as in Fort Lauderdale, that’ll make this decision easy."
Eerie to Krystal: "I’m not punishing you... Come to me instead of saying things in the car and to the other ladies that called my character into question.” Krystal: "I don’t want to throw away all the color, all the texture, and depth of our relationship."
After some confidence-imbuing Pillow Time, Krystal makes a BOLD move, shitting on Kendall, and it FUCKING WORKS!!!: "I don’t know if Kendall’s ever been in love. I don’t think she’s actually in a position for getting married." Eerie: “You think Kendall wouldn’t be emotionally ready?” Krystal: “Yeah, I guess I am saying that.”
Krystal: “I feel like I was working through a challenge with my boyfriend... I feel 99% sure she’s going home tonight.”
Eerie and Kendall
Eerie tells Taxidermist that Krystal threw her under the bus. Kendall looks like that woman from 24 (Kim Raver). Kendall: "It’s pretty cruel. She felt she needed to say negative things about me… It’s about winning for Krystal."
Kendall confronts Krystal. Kendall: “In what way do you feel like I’m not ready? You don’t know and you acted as if you do know.” Krystal: “Why are you here?” Kendall tries to give Krystal some wisdom: “I’ve dated someone like you before. In the face of conflict… saying the thing most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean you win. It means you hurt someone... You’ve been through a lot… more pain that I can understand…"
Krystal dgaf though, "I don’t really have words." Eerie comes back and can’t make a decision so they’re both going to dinner. COOL.
Krystal and Kendall at Dinner
They're "eating" in front of the Eiffel Tower.
Krystal to Taxidermist: “I don’t want your advice on how I should live my life. I have a lot of emotions and I feel.” Kendall: “Krystal lives in a delusion. She tried to say a lot of things to hurt me.”
Tinkerbex: “No one thought Trump was going to win the election. And looky, here we are.” I love her.
Eerie grabs Taxidermist. Did Eerie not have on-on-one time with Krystal? They don’t show it. Eerie gives rose to Kendall. Krystal smiles through it.
Eerie: “Krystal I’m very sorry. I know this wasn’t easy for you to be here. It’s always hard to say goodbye but it’s especially hard to say goodbye to you.” They leave Krystal at the table alone. Krystal: “This is such bullshit. I’m floored. FLOORED.”
Back at the Cruise Hotel…
Producers grab Krystal’s suitcase. The women pop the now-traditional villain-going-home-champagne.
Back on the Date…
They go to top of Eiffel Tower. Kendall’s rose is down to a nub now.
Cruel Krystal: "I don’t need love to feel fulfilled but I really want it… I just want to feel like, accepted and good enough." She cries and everyone on this show and maybe everyone in general is broken. She gazes out the window at the Eiffel tower where Taxidermist and Eerie are having Le Pillow Time.
Jacqueline: “It felt like I was given a pony for Christmas. But it’s also like, if you don’t learn to ride this pony by the end of the day it will be shot.” HA. Their car breaks down immediately. Eerie, the CAR EXPERT, tries and fails to fix it. I bet they reference Jacqueline's ability to just "go with the flow" because she doesn't immediately kill herself when the fancy Bachelor transportation doesn't work.
Eerie: "We’re going to do a little shopping to get you ready." GROSS. Another date where Eerie dresses up someone. Eerie's so vanilla and dumb. Eerie re: decorations: “What period would this be? You know what I mean?”
Eerie: "I love how I’m sort of making your Paris dream come true."
Jacqueline starts crying because she doesn’t want to say goodbye in case he’s not OK with her staying in another state and finishing her PHD.
Jacqueline: "I was a little worried that I’m an experiment rather than someone you’re really into." Eerie says he wants lives to fit together but he’s picking all people whose lives wouldn’t: "So with that, Jacqueline will you accept this rose." Eerie: "I don’t really see her ambitions and dreams as a hindrance. Just another obstacle." Pillow Time in green staircase.
Roses for Tia, Seinne, and Becca. Mom Chelsea and Straddler Jenna go home. They use the possibility of Becca K going home as a cliffhanger? Haaaa. She's still my pick for winner.
Mom Chelsea gets a goodbye talk but Straddler Jenna doesn't. Mom Chelsea: "I didn’t see this coming." ME EITHER. HE HAS NO MOMS LEFT... Mom Chelsea: "I'm afraid that I'm going home to nothing."
Eerie tells them they’re going to Tuscany and cackles evilly. Cool. So happy he's the captain of our emotional roller coaster... This tweet was meant for Justin Timberlake but I feel like it's perfect for Eerie also: