By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 7 (Air Date: 2/18/19)
We're starting with another video confessional by our boy Dolty. This time it's shot like he's in Blair Witch Project with half his face in darkness. You know, for duality. Dolty: "Katie told me there still are some people here who aren't ready... Sydney said the same thing... Demi said the same thing... That's three people that had the same thing to say while saying goodbye to me... What the fuck?"
"That's my ultimate fear in all of this... I don't want to make a mistake... Good news is we're going to Denver. I'm going home." He seems not excited at all.
THEY GO TO DENVER
Dolton meets with Unlovable Ben for advice.
Dolton: "Last week I said three goodbyes. In all of those goodbyes they left me with a warning... It's terrifying because now, it's making me think." It's so annoying because I don't like when my brain turns on.
Unlovable Ben: "Say to them what you said to me." But do it with a better haircut. Dolton: "I'm falling in love with multiple people.. I'm nervous." Unlovable Ben: "Lean in. Be intentional. Donât be scared."
Dolton meets up with the Players, accompanied by his new Unlovable advice and his old dog named after a gun, Sniper. All the ladies rub up on Sniper to try to get extra points. Dolton: "Wow you're in Heaven right now... I hope you guys can see why I love Denver." Because the "winner" willlllll have to move here.
Phlebotemist Tayshia One-on-One
The dates begin right now in this field to maximize emotional torture. Dolton pulls Phlebotemist, leaving the losers in a line to contemplate how they fucked up.
They eat oysters. Erika: "Let's have oysters somewhere landlocked." Dolton: "Vrry good."
They feed ice cream to Sniper. It's a third cone. Where'd that third cone come from??
Dolton brings up the dramz: "It wasn't only Katie... I knew looking at you she wasn't talking about you. I'm not questioning your readiness." He chose Phlebotemist specifically for this information-gathering date.
Back at the Hotel...
Meanwhile, Cassie and Miss NC are LITERALLY PLOTTING, talking strategy like mobsters.
Cassie: "I think Tayshia would say something to me if she was concerned." Miss NC: "Miss NC: "At least nobody named names. If someone names us it's like, you don't know us." No one has ever seemed more guilty of anything than these two talking about how they so don't want to be the next Bachelorette.
Back on the Date...
Phlebotemist gives up the dirt, throwing the C-names hardddd under da bus: "I don't want to tattle tale. I just feel like you should know. I feel like Cassie and Caelynn aren't genuine. They're already talking about being the next Bachelorette. They also said they don't think they're going to be ready to get engaged... What parties they'll hit after this and the people they'll get to know." I love this so fucking much.
Now they're cooking together. Whose house are they in? It looks no one lives there. Dolton: "Your family, what do they think of all this?" Phlebotemist: "My Dad might be a little closed off... The way my last relationship ended was really hard on my family... His personality type is a hard ass." Dolton: "You can call it old-fashioned or whatever but I can't get down on one knee if I don't have the father's blessing."
Back at the Hotel...
Kiss Virgin's still here somehow. Miss NC gets the one-on-one. All the other women start immediately crying. Cassie: "I know you needed this. It sucks but I'm happy for you."
Back on the Date...
Phlebotemist tells Dolton that her Dad will be happy seeing her "happy in another healthy relationship." A healthy relationship??? She literally just told him two other of his girlfriends are dating him just for Instagram followers. She gets rose and has made it to Hometowns. Dolton takes her into the bedroom of this fake apartment. Dolty: "This is where the magic doesn't happen."
Phlebotemist puts on a football jersey with his last name on it to get in on this non-magical dry-humping. Patriarch me up, Daddy.
Dolton's confessional: "I started to fall in love with Tayshia. Her walking out with her last name on my jersey could possibly be foreshadowing. The night we had I could definitely see doing it with Tayshia the rest of my life."
Back at the Hotel...
Kirpa's fucked up on painkillers from her mysterious injuries: "If I get to talk to him I will express my concerns. It's about to go downnnnn." I believe Kirpa and Tayshia but honestly it's not like they're NOT thinking they could be next Bachelorette. No heroes here.
Miss NC One-on-One
Miss NC jumps into Dolton's arms. Her Mount is terrible. She never even practiced. @bachelorclues: "Respect the game, Jesus."
Dolton acts as her snowboarding instructor.
Dolton: "I had a blast with you today. I'm not going to lie I did have something in the back of my mind... She did share with me that she thought you were one of the women who wasn't quite ready... what stuck with me the most was comments about getting to the end of this but not getting engaged. Talks about the Bachelorette." Miss NC: "What, me?" HER FACE!!!!
Miss NC shakes her head: "It doesn't make any sense to me. I hate this. I fucking hate this... It like terrifies me to know the way I'm feeling and the fact that I could lose you over something that's completely fabricated. I hate that the Bachelorette got brought up... I can see a future and a life with us."
Dolton: "I'm trying to understand why someone would go out of their way if it's not even true." Miss NC's confessional: "How the fuck would Tayshia know if I'm ready or not. Someone legit pulls a lie out of their ass... Those conversations those lies, none of that has ever left my mouth... From an insecure 28-year-old girl." This cougar better not ruin this for me. Miss NC: "I better get a rose because I will call that stupid bitch out." That was so deeply unlikable. She's clearly lying.
Miss NC: "I hate that this happened and so close to Hometowns." @bachelorclues: "Almost made it to playoffs."
Now Dolton is crying. Dolton: "It's just been a lot... I feel more confused than ever. I'm heading into Hometowns I have no clue what the fuck I'm going to do."
Miss NC has no choice but to tell him she loves him now: "I care about you so much. And I'm here for you... I wouldn't be here if I wasn't feeling the way Iâm feeling... I don't want to lose that. It scares the shit out of me. I pray to god that it's us at the end... Have kids and raise kids. That is what I want." Now she's real desperate, bringing fucking god into it. "I'm falling in love with you." Yup, had to. Dolton: "What you've been through gives me more confidence in us." He gives her rose. Can't really say I don't believe a survivor...
Back at the House...
Kiss Virgin thinks she's getting a one-on-one lol. Alabama Hama gets it. All faces are distraught.
Hama: "Thank the freaking lord." The Lord wants me to have this one-on-one. Erika: none of these girls remember 9-11.
Miss NC informs Cassie that Phlebotemist talked trash on her, but they don't know she also included Cassie.
Miss NC pulls Phlebotemist to talk, rose-holder to rose-holder. Phlebotemist: "The only two people who acted defensively were you and Cassie... We all came up with the same conclusion." Miss NC: "You can't tell me if I'm ready." Phlebotemist: "Colton asked me a question, and I told him my opinion. I never once threw you under the bus." I 10,000 percent believe Phlebotemist.
ALABAMA HAMA DATE
Dolton says being around simple Hama "is so refreshing." Surprise! He introduces her to his family. She's like I would have worn full pants and no crop top. Dolton: "My Mom and Dad are going to shoot me straight." I know Dolton's Dad clearly fucked him up in many ways but he's kind of hot. Dolton unloads on him. Daddy Dolton: "Trust your gut more than the comments of anybody else."
Dolton's Mom: "At the end of this do you see yourself ready for an engagement? How do you think his feelings are for you?" Hama: "I would like to know... He hasn't said that back to me yet."
Dolton to rents: "She told me she's falling in love with me. I'm not there yet." They leave and Dolton looks like he's going to shit himself. Hama: "Are you OK?" Dolton: "Yeah I'm good."
Later at Drinks...
Hama thinks she's got this in the bag: "I got a Hometown before Hometowns." He's never sent someone home on a one-on-one but he's got his big boy pants on now. Dolton: "I don't know if I'm there. I can't shake your father's hand and know I have no doubts in the relationship." As opposed to Miss NC. No red flags there.
Hama: "I'm a little confused as to what you want but I'm glad to know that now. I don't deserve that." Dolton: "I know there's someone for you... You're going to make someone incredibly happy." Jesus fucking Christ. Did he miss any breaking up cliche? It's not you it's me.
Hama decides she's gonna be Tattler 5 on her way out: "Listen to people about things and peoples' intentions." Yas Hama! She's the feminist icon we deserve: "I will not allow myself to not feel chosen every single day. I'll wait until whenever that is." Would watch the shit out of a Hama season.
Train Group Date
Dolton takes four women on a train. There are two roses up for grabs. Kiss Virgin does the rose calculations and does a PRE-EMPTIVE BREAK UP! Kiss Virgin: "I don't know that I'm ready for that." They kiss bye.
The Kiss Train leaves the station with Kiss Virgin standing awkwardly at the back. Dolton & Bachelor Nation immediately forget about her.
Kirpa says that she doesn't want Dolton to be blindsided by Cassie but "I'll only tell him if he asks about it."
Dolton brings it up with Cassie, "Hearing your name brought up in that terrified me." Cassie says a bunch of fragmented nonsense: "I don't know why girls are making stuff up like that... There's no truth to it and I can't even say... I don't know why someone would make that up... I haven't done anything... I don't get it." This is amazing.
Dolton the Dolt: "If I'm trusting my gut, my feeling is she never would have gone to the lengths to say something like that."
Kirpa gives Dolton a book and we got no explanation. Mystery wounds. Mystery book. All we get to hear is her take on the C-ladies. Kirpa: "I don't want you at the end to be blindsided... I've had to end an engagement and don't want anyone to go through that. I have concerns about Cassie and Caelynn... After Katie left. Only two girls that started to panic and got really defensive."
Dolton: "I'm hearing two completely different things... Where did my gut go wrong?" Now Cassie and Kirpa get into it. Cassie: "Why would you spend your time with him talking about me? A lie!" Kirpa: "Katie told the girls." Cassie: "Let me grab my phone and call Katie right now." Kirpa: "You don't have anything to back it up." Cassie: "You don't have anything to back it up!"
Cassie: "You're fucking with him... This all reeks of desperation to me... You should feel bad about it. In my opinion, you're an idiot."
Kirpa: "I think that when people get defensive and resort to crying, it's because they know their intentions aren't right or they're hiding something." Dolton can't untangle this during the daylight hours: "I wanna head into the evening and continue our conversations and take it from there." Erika: "Hannah should not speak the whole date. She can skate through on a technicality." @bachelorclues: "Stay clean."
CONTENT HANNAH VS KIRPA VS CASSIE
Dolton: "I did get clarity on one thing. Hannah can we go out and talk?" Dolton takes a rose and gives it to Content Hannah. You're dismissed. He doesn't need a conversation with Hannah after all their meaningful shower time. Remember?
KIRPA VS CASSIE
Cassie: "One of us will go and one stays."
Back at the Hotel...
Content Hannah returns and fills the other Players in: "You missed a lot. Kirpa and Cassie ended up getting in, I guess an altercation... Kirpa expressed her opinions and then Cassie expressed hers."
Miss NC decides it's time for her to go to bat for Cassie: "If she's going home because he was fed false information." Miss NC crashes the date and says to Dolton: "As much as I want it to be you and I. Knowing that you're not getting the full truth is killing me. I wanted you to have all the facts." Miss NC is Russia with Trump. Making up a bunch of shit to save her asset.
Dolton: "I have to trust my gut." Your gut is in your penis right? He gives rose to Cassie.
Kirpa: "He's an adult. He can make his own decisions. I was really hoping that he'd come home and meet my family." She starts crying. Dolty kisses Cassie. Dolton: "It's not about the she-said she-said thing. It's about my instinct and what my gut's telling me. I just know how I feel when I'm with Cassie." Guys, just leave me alone. I wanna bang Cassie, OK?!
We get to the end of another episode where Dolty hasn't jumped over SHIT.
Tag: Phlebotemist has chocolate all over her jeans. Dolton wipes her.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 6 (Air Date: 2/11/19)
We're back where we left off with Nicole and Snorkler Onyeka screaming at each other over bullying or some shit. Dolton watches like a golden retriever on the wall and then HAS HAD ENOUGH. He takes himself on a walk down the beach, into the darkness. He paces back and forth but there's not a fucking wall in sight.
Nicole crosses herself. Chad: "Praying to Lord Harrison."
Kirpa's injuries remain unaddressed. Roses for Kirpa, Phlebotemist Tayshia, Demi, Katie, Ex-Dancer Sydney, and Kiss Virgin. Snorkler Onyeka finally goes home. Also Nicole. Onyeka: "If I'm going to get rejected at least it's to Not-Nicole." Not-Not-Nicole's crying.
The Next Day...
Dolton emerges shirtless from the ocean, nature's shower. Oh no, another selfie testimonial: "I'm in Vietnam just finishing up my run. This week is about clarity." Just doing my usual routine: finishing up a shirtless run, swimming in the ocean alone, and then filming myself narrating my day ahead of me.
The women say OMG at the hotel pond. They say OMG at the pool. They say OMG at the hotel room. They say OMG at the balcony. They then scream, "Good Morning Vietnam!" off the balcony. Someone: "Only two weeks til hometowns!" There's still a lot of players. Calm down. Content Hannah gets the first One-on-One. The others are pissed. She gives an acceptance speech: "I did not expect this." I did not expect this. I'd like to thank my manager for getting me on the show, my 30,000 Russian bots that I bought to follow me on IG...
Content Hannah One-on-One
Dolton and Content Hannah get facials and then they get wrapped in some green shit. Dolton: "We look like a sushi roll. There's no one I'd rather get rolled up with."
They come up for air to make out in a mud tub. Now they make out in a shower.
Back at the Hotel...
Cassie and Miss NC discuss how they want everyone to get kicked off on their one-on-ones.
Back on Content Hannah's Date...
Dolton: "What was your favorite part of today?" Content Hannah: "Showering." Now she gets deep: Before this process... "I haven't been able to focus on myself." Too busy producing content. She uses an Offensive Walls strategy, aka her parents divorce: "I have a memory and it's so lame. So my Dad loves his yard... I just remember the moment of my Mom driving through the yard to pack up all her stuff... It tore me up. I realized that like we weren't a family anymore."
Dolton relates because his parents divorced. He apparently never asked his parents why though?? They kiss. Dolton: "You reminded me of home... With me you have a place to laugh, and also a shoulder to cry on, and also a person who's going to be there for you." If you win. He hands her rose. Content Hannah: "I am falling in love with him." Dolton: "I love that she was able to be so open and vulnerable with me... I can picture Hannah being my wife... I definitely can say that I'm falling in love with Hannah."
Back at the Hotel...
Group date's announced and Kirpa gets One-on-One. Those who haven't gotten solo time with Dolty realize their time is very short. Ex-Dancer Sydney, who quit her job to come: "I feel disappointed in myself... I could've done better." She's crying. Demi's also crying. Demi: "I can't keep doing this. This is my sixth group date."
Fighting Group Date
The ladies are in full makeup and workout gear, ready for today's fresh hell. They see Dolton get attacked by a series of small fighters. I love that to be the Bachelor you have to fucking learn stunts now.
They've changed Kiss Virgin's chyron to "Has Been Kissed". Great, she got a promotion! Dolton: "We're learning the ancient art of" something that sounds like vulva. Dolton: "I'm ready to get after it." They play a gong noise as he karate chops the camera. Nothing about this is not offensive. Hama: "I woke up this morning as Hannah Beast." Stop trying to make Hannah Beast happen, Hama.
Now they have to physically fight each other, your classic step in forming any long-lasting relationship. Demi: "It wouldn't be a group date if someone wasn't bleeding and crying by the end of it."
Lord Harrison judges with the host of Bachelor Vietnam. When Kiss Virgin fights Ex-Dancer Sydney, she screams the entire time. Someone: "It sounded like birthing sounds."
Demi and Katie start beating the shit out of each other for real. Dolton looks nervously to the side. During the Stanford Prisoner Experiment he would've been like errrr guess I gotta keep shocking you?? So sorry about this!
Someone gets hurt, whaaaaa?!?! It's Demi. She's such a pro. Dolton gets permission from the producers to step up and be the hero: "I want this to be fun and enjoyable for everybody... I've seen enough... Now we have an afterparty to get to." I've seen enough for WHAT exactly??
Group Date Afterparty
Dolton pulls Phlebotemist Tayshia first. How's the harem life treating you? In a great use of Defensive Walls (when you sense you're at the bottom of the stack), she reveals: "It's kind of scaring me." Dolton: "Every time I'm around you I just want to know more... I've never dated this many people. But our one-on-ones. I'd kill for them every single day." But I gotta be honest, if we were rolled up like sushi I'd only want to be with Content Hannah. They make out.
Katie's feeling the pressure. I don't know who she is so she probably should be. She also brings up her Defensive Walls to Dolton. Katie: "It's hard for me to show my emotions... Sometimes it's hard for me to show when I'm super happy... I'm really monotone." She cries, "I wouldn't want to go home with you thinking I didn't try." Dolton: "This is what I like to see." You crying. Dolton sounds like a fucking terrible motivational speaker: "Hey this is me love me or hate me. Once you do it it gives you a new perspective." They just hug. Katie: "All it takes is one off night [to go home]. I don't want to say that but thats the truth."
Dolton has Hama on his lap. Dolton: "You were having a blast with it." Hama: "I kickbox at home... Do you feel good about me?" Dolton: Yeah!" Hama: "I want you to see what you would get at the end of this. I'm kind of weird. Sometimes cute and sexy but not all the time." She's kind of a nerd.
Meanwhile, Ex-Dancer Sydney is losing it and calls the other Players "shiny objects" to Phlebotemist. They watch Hama showing Dolton how to use a stick and express frustration at shiny object Hama getting roses. Ex-Dancer Sydney to Dolton: "Last night I got really upset... Is there a reason you're not putting me on a one-on-one?" Dolton: "I'm still figuring out how every relationship is different... I want to try."
Dolton sits down with Demi after she literally got punched in the face. Dolton: "Your nose looks fabulous right now." Demi: "I'm actually really sensitive... I wanted to know if you'd call [my Mom] with me. I haven't heard her voice outside of 'this is a federal prison'." They call her Mom in an advanced PTC move, Emotional Entrapment. Demi: "getting to talk to my Mom and sharing the first moment with her with Colton since she's been out. It's something I can treasure forever."
Now there's a commerical for "Isnt It Romantic" with Tia?? It pains my soul that Tia got in a fucking commercial. Back to the Game and Ex-Dancer Sydney's still complaining. She's really fun. She grabs Dolton again. Dolton: "I dont have it figured out." Ex-Dancer Sydney: "You're taking a lot of easier choices with the people you're pursuing... I want something real and I want something magical." I want something real and I want something magical. That's fucking hilarious.
Ex-Dancer: "Because of that, I am going to go home today." Dolton: "As much as this upsets me"... [it doesn't upset me]. Ex-Dancer waves by at the other Players as Dolton walks her out. Dolton: "I know how much you've given up to be here and I'm sorry." Ex-Dancer: "Don't be distracted by shiny things."
Dolton goes back to the women: "I just said goodbye to Sydney. She decided she wanted to leave... It made me think about how much more I can give to you all." Now you're so lucky and get .07% more of my attention! Phlebotemist Tayshia gets the rose.
WHEN'S HE GOING TO JUMP THE FUCKING WALL??
Dolton: "There's still some people who aren't ready to be engaged and that terrifies me." Erika: What do you think you're going to get when you assemble a group of 23-year-olds?
Kirpa runs down the beach into Doltons arms. Dolton apologizes for dumping her friend Ex-Dancer. Kirpa: "I respect what she did." Dolton: "I'm continuously surprised by you. I like a little mystery and I like a little surprise." They go on a boat. They put on snorkels. Onyeka is dying somewhere. They stab sea urchins? Surprise! Then they eat them?? Dolton: "I'm hoping tonight Kirpa and I can push our relationship and see where it can go."
Later at Dinner...
Dolton: "She's been a slow and steady burn." She's going home next week.
Dolton asks Kirpa about her previous engagement. "Kirpa: We were together for eight years... he was saving himself for marriage. We were staying stagnant... it was rough... I don't want to just get engaged again unless I know its going to be the right person." Dolton: "I just want to straight up ask you. Can you see yourself if the feelings are there getting engaged at the end of this?" Kirpa: "Yeah." Dolton: "You have this calm confidence that bleeds into our relationship." You have confidence bleeding out of your whatever. She gets the rose. He's so people-pleaser I can see him having a hard time dumping people on one-on-ones.
Back at the Hotel...
Dirpa returns with rose while Demi prepares for a Knock Knock: "Hopefully after tonight Colton won't be a virgin anymore." PLEASE. Chad: Demi is engineering her own story. She's playing the game within the game of course.
Demi's Knock Knock
Demi calls Colton "Coco." He pours her wine. Demi says she's checking in and then: "I never thought that it would be this real for me... And like. I now feel like I am falling in love with you." Coco looks uncomfortable. Emotional Leveling Up TOO EARLY DEMI!! Dolton: "I can't put you through a rose ceremony." NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COCO HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????
Demi looks twelve walking away. Erika: she liked a comment I made on her Instagram. Me: what comment? Erika: Tiny Legend.
Tiny Legend goes back to the hotel and cries to the Hannahs. Hama hugs her while Content Hannah strokes her back.
She leaves. The Hannahs clutch each other.
Lord Harrison brings on the drama: "There's eight of you here all on one couch. There won't be a cocktail party."
Katie: "I'm praying our last conversation was enough. It'll have to be enough."
Roses for Hama, Miss NC, Speech Pathologist Reality Star Cassie, and Kiss Virgin Heather. Goodbye Katie. It wasn't enough.
Katie to Dolton: "I knew there was a disconnect by your body language." Dolton: "I thought there was more to get out of you that I couldn't get." Katie: "I'm sorry." She's apologizing and making him feel better for dumping her. Katie: "You know who's ready in there. There's some that aren't. Just be smart about those girls." KAMIKAZE KATIE!!!! Or a bomb you drop after you're already dead. Dolton screaming after her: GIVE ME NAMES!!!
Dolton: "I thought Sydney was talking about Demi... Am I fucking missing something?" He goes back to the Players, now a very agitated golden retriever: "She's now the third person to leave me saying there's still some people who aren't ready for this and that's absolutely fucking terrifying for me. I'm gonna have to get answers."
Phlebotemist: "He wants someone to spill the tea." THEN, to someone in front of everyone, Phlebotemist: "Lets take this thing. It's us two. It's us at the end." WHAT???
SCENES: HE'S WEARING THE WALL-JUMP-COAT FINALLY!!
TAG: Demi shows Dolton some trinkets from prison. This is why she went home.