By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 12 (Air Date: 3/13/17)
Guys, it's here. The episode that is POSSIBLY Vile Nick Viall's last Bachelor franchise episode ever. That's after 14 episodes of The Bachelor, 21 episodes of The Bachelorette, and 11 episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. 46. A true epoch. He's listed after ONLY Lord Harrison on The Bachelorette's IMDB page.
Lord Harrison repeatedly calls this episode "historic" and he twice describes Nick's search for love as "desperate." I totally get how this is desperate, but how is this historic? Is someone going to give birth on stage? They've already done: a live breakup of Jake and Vienna, an attempt to force a spontaneous wedding with a priest of Ben and Lauren, Bachelor Jason go back on his decision and choose his runner up, and they've even had an on-stage Ultrasound exam to reveal Ashley's baby's gender. Have they not done it all?!
Lord Harrison ponders how Nick will choose between "two beautiful women."
We're in Rovaniemi, Finland. Nick leads a dance train of elves through the town.
Raven Re-Meets Nick's Parents
Nick had to pick his favorite four of his eleven siblings to fly out to be in the finale. The featured sister who's 30 years younger than him is of course there.
Nick's Mom: "So, do you have a favorite?"
Nick says he likes both. Nick’s hair is so coiffed it's practically a mohawk at this point.
Nick’s Dad looks like Ben Linus from LOST.
Raven meets the parents again.
Nick’s family all seem like they’ve taken sedatives. Nick’s Mom (re: Raven): “I can’t see her hurting anybody.” Nick’s Mom obviously hasn't heard the stiletto story yet.
Nick's sister is on the same emotional maturity level as Raven so she talks to her first.
Raven sucks up to her and tells her she's not going to like Vanessa.
Side note: Nick’s Mom has a nose piercing.
Vanessa Meets Nick's Parents
Vanessa sums herself up for Nick's parents: "I love my family, I love my friends."
Vanessa’s first story she tells Nick's parents is how she puked on him. She's very aggressive talking to them and seems 20 years older than Raven.
Vanessa: "I can't picture myself not getting engaged with Nick."
Vanessa and Nick's Dad discuss love and Nick’s Dad starts crying.
Vanessa starts crying.
Nick Discusses the Women with his Family
Nick: "I think I would be lying if I said how different this is." Nick’s Mom starts crying about how he was rejected by Caitlyn and Andi.
We check back in with Lord Harrison and half the white women of Los Angeles.
Vanessa's Last Date
Nick picks up Vanessa again.
We get a fun Dancing with the Stars graphic superimposed over him.
Nick says that this week is "a two-way street more."
Nick can't ride a horse.
There is a random shot of Santa in the woods hiding behind a tree.
Santa is not addressed for a while.
Then they happen upon a cabin out out comes a man in a Santa costume. I really wish this was Neil Lane or Lord Harrison.
Vanessa SCREAMS: “OUT CAME SANTA CLAUS!!!”
They go in Santa Claus’s little house in the snow. Santa asks what's at the top of their wish lists. Nick: “I guess I'd have to say love!”
Santa gives them a present which is a carving caricature of the couple with two symbols. Vanessa: “One represents happiness and the other represents fertility.”
Vanessa: “Santa Claus believes and sees a future between Nick and I.”
Vanessa: “What is your type?” Nick: “Smart, strong, confident women, but it eventually gets to the point where it boils over.”
Vanessa tells Nick she doesn't want him to propose to her because her relationship is slightly greater than his relationship with someone else.
Nick’s not giving Vanessa his gloves? Nick strokes Vanessa’s bare hand with his gloved hand.
Later that night…
Vanessa: “Every time I ask you a question, the answers are general.”
Nick responds with gibberish about being careful with his heart.
Vanessa: "Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?"
Nick: "I feel like the week’s not over."
Vanessa: "I don’t like that answer."
Nick: "I know what you want to hear."
Vanessa doesn't think the situation is romantic but Nick does.
Nick: "If you want to find a million different scenarios where you can DE-ROM, UN-ROM... make it less then you probably can… When I’ve been with you I’ve only thought of you."
Nick: "I want it at the end to feel different and special. That’s how I need to get there."
Nick makes out with her and shakes her as she’s crying.
Nick is very into Vanessa's fluids. Vom. Tears. w/e.
Vanessa: “It is scary to think that you don’t know what is to come.” Nick wipes away Vanessa’s tears.
Nick: "It breaks my heart that I can’t make Vanessa feel better."
We get a quick shot of Lord Harrison lounging on his throne couch.
Raven's Last Date
Nick takes Raven ice skating "since skating is our thing."
Nick: "It’s just so playful and fun and it’s easy not to think about anything else." NICK’S FUCKING ICE DANCING.
Raven: "To think this could be my last date as a single person is crazy.”
Nick once again forces Raven to the ground to make out with her.
AHHHH Nick brings in lil puppies. This is the only Bachelor date I would’ve liked to go on.
Later that night at drinks…
Nick says he can’t move his neck from stress.
Raven tells Nick she'd say yes if he proposes.
Nick leaves and ponders. There's a knock on his door. Is it Santa? It's Neil Lane.
Nick Meets with Neil Lane for the Fourth Time
Nick: "Hello friend." Neil Lane is so consistently a creepy wax figure.
Nick picks the biggest ring.
Pondering shots of Vanessa. She is crying again. Now Raven ponders. Raven: “I see Nick as a father. I see him as a husband.”
Nick ponders the ring.
Re: Raven, Nick: “Everything tells me she would say yes."
Nick enters a sexy lodge in Poropirtti, Finland.
We get MORE foreshadowing as Nick waits for his women.
Nick Dumps Raven
Raven enters first, trips, and Lord Harrison grabs her coat. He asks, "You good?"
The doors are covered in dead grass.
Raven: “I couldn’t be more sure to tell you tonight. I love you.”
Nick's eyes dart around as Raven talks to him.
Nick starts crying: "I just don’t know if I’m in love. I just like, I know my heart's somewhere else... I’m just sorry.”
Raven says she regrets nothing and starts crying.
Nick: "I'm going to miss you."
Raven leaves without her coat. Raven: “Is it just that no one can feel that way about me?”
Nick Proposes to Vanessa
Nick: “I’ve been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time. And I feel like sometimes I’ve been fighting it. And I’m not fighting it anymore.”
Nick hopes this wasn't "wasted tears and wasted broken hearts.” Two giveaways to Vanessa: Lord Harrison grabs Vanessa's coat and Raven's is still hanging there. Also Nick picks her up.
Nick: "I will never forget the first moment I saw you... I’ll never forget the first moment I started falling in love with you... Being next to you I felt something very very special."
Nick sobs. Nick: "I'm in love with you."
Nick: "I’m glad I don’t have to try to not say it."
Vanessa: "Knowing how much you love to talk, I promise I'm ready to do a lot of listening." Weird line to end on.
Nick gets down on one knee.
Nick’s look up at Vanessa after he puts ring on her finger is SO weird!!!
Nick gives her the final rose.
Nick and Vanessa say they are so happy to be engaged.
Nick makes a euphemism about banging and then slaps Vanessa's ass.
They get in the back of a sleigh being driven by a little old man and ride off into the gray din.
Great season guys. A nice reminder that true love does exist!
I could NOT be more excited for Rachel as The Bachelorette. Everything they do is going to feel racist. Every. Single. Thing. I'm hibernating until May 22nd.
We're back where we left off last week with the classic TV cliffhanger of whether or not Nick gives Raven her first orgasm in the Fantasy Suite. They wake up together, disheveled.
Raven confirms that she came: "Nick is really good at what he does, so I'm really satisfied today."
Next comes one of the most horrifying sequences I've ever seen on the show. There is an orgasm song and dance where Raven celebrates coming.
Erika sums this sequence up best: "I feel chilled to the bone by that."
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel's Fantasy Suite Date
Rachel jumps into Nick's arms and she seems to jump 1000 feet in the air. Rachel: "It's like being in Narnia."
They do the worst part of skiing—the horizontal part.
Nick: "Look, behold!" Rachel looks like Waldo. Rachel: "I still have a hard time accepting the fact that I am here."
Nick looks so stupid with a little tuft of hair sticking out of his hat. Nick: "I’m scared too. We can be scared together."
Nick: "What’s your single biggest fear?" Rachel: "Rejection." Nick is satisfied that he will be making her biggest fear come true.
Rachel: "You’re rare and refreshing. That’s not normal." Nick with the most offensive quote of the century:
I might be white but I’m still a minority.
There is going to be SO much of this nonsense in her season. I am both terrified and more excited than I've ever been. Shaint Nick takes her on a ride on a shleigh. There's no shot of the whole sleigh so I assume the reindeer are covered in cameras. One on each horn.
Later that night, Rachel wears a crop top to traverse through the snow.
They enter a teepee of emotions in which Nick tries to get Rachel to tell him she loves him.
Nick: "The only way to have this whole thing work is to get out of your head."
Nick: "Be willing to have the strength to be a bit of a mess at some times... If you were to check your ego at the door what would you say?"
Nick drags it out of her. Rachel: "I'm falling in love with you."
RACHEL COVERS HERSELF WITH HER SWEATER.
Nick: "I’m falling 100 pershent."
Nick fucks Rachel.
The next morning...
Rachel wears a penguin onesie.
Nick picks up his little child and makes out with it.
Vanessa's Fantasy Suite
We hear weird fife music. Nick tilts his head to the side when he sees Vanessa. As the biggest Bachelor tool of all time, he vomits up a bunch of love metaphors. "Our physical relationship has always been hot and steamy... Falling in love is an enormous leap of faith, and so is jumping in freezing cold water."
All of Vanessa’s dates are some version of torture. This time she has to keep getting into freezing water with Nick and he is only wearing the tiniest little shorts. The post editors seem to have blurred out his "outlines."
Nick runs ahead of Vanessa into the sauna like a true gentleman. Nick: "I’ve asked a lot of Vanessa. I keep getting her out of her comfort zone... I want to be with someone I can get through things with."
Nick broke up with someone because the family got involved. Vanessa: "My core values are things that I don’t want to compromise on." Nick: There's "things in your life that you’re not willing to compromise on?"
Vanessa: "Dinner with family every Sunday night." Nick somehow has this as his follow-up question: "What if we’re too similar?"
Nick and Vanessa have a weirdly aggressive conversation about how they like winter.
Vanessa asks Nick about Canada. Nick: "Not to sound corny but I’m really proud to be an American." UGH YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Side note if Vanessa is the winner I can not see this relationship lasting.
Vanessa reads the Fantasy Suite Date Card.
Nick: "Thoughts?" That was exactly his quote with Rachel.
They go to the Fantasy Suite.
Vanessa: "I feel like the luckiest person in the world."
The Next Morning...
Are they naked? Vanessa: "I have an appreciation of who Nick is."
Vanessa: "My insecurity hasn’t come up until now... It does make me question whether I am good enough."
Nick ponders, Revenant-style.
Nick gives roses to Vanessa and Raven.
Nick takes Rachel to the Breakup Bachelorette Couch to discuss her dumping.
Ugh. Last Bachelor season we got a wonderful shot of Ben hugging both finalists at the same time. We don't get that this season. Just this shot of Raven and Vanessa wearing opposite dresses.
When Nick hands out his last rose of the season, he should have to throw it in a giant rotting pile of roses representing all the roses he's been a part of and burn them in a massive effigy.