Why is Lord Harrison bringing up Jason Mesnick and Juan Pablo?? He's promising this ep will be on par with those legendary fuck ups. They're still in Peru. Is that why Eerie screws up-- the high altitude?! Eerie lies on a bed and narrates how he feels about both of the women. LB CASUALLY WRITES IN HER DIARY WHILE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE.
LB meets Eerie's Parents
This is deeply, deeply uncomfortable. Eerie is so drawn to Lauren Bland's Glimpses and he tries futilely to convince his parents and Bachelor Nation of their existence.
LB starts crying talking to Eerie’s Mom. LB: “I’m not used to talking about feelings.”
We get some sweet Jesus imagery. Later that day... the family has changed outfits.
Becca meets Eerie’s family
Eerie’s Dad asks Becca about her friendship with Lauren. Becca diplomatically says she doesn’t like LB: “It was easier to get to know [the other women.]” Eerie's Dad TO Becca: "Both are very nice. Either way I’m fine with it." WTF?! I’ve never seen this before. Yes, women are interchangeable accessories. Eerie’s Dad: "You’re a little bit more busy."
Becca: "She is a huge threat to me. His whole family brought up that they met Lauren yesterday. It makes me want to puke thinking about them together." I also have a stomach ache I am so nervous watching this. Eerie baby voice: “I love you so much. Bye!”
Eerie’s Mom: “I think Becca would be better for your future. I think you have to reassure Lauren all the time about your love. And Becca can stand on her own.”
The entire group is all brunette men and blonde women. Someone says "there’s a choice that’ll better fit your lifestyle" as if she's a jaunty suit.
Eerie: "[Becca's] someone I could rally behind... It makes more sense with Becca. But with Lauren there’s this undeniable love there." Eerie’s Dad picks Becca also: "You sometimes need a bit of a kick in the ass."
Back at the Studio...
Caroline comes on to defend her WTA allegations. Caroline: "What he did to both of them is not fair." Lord Harrison: “Arie is in a very bad place right now.” You’re definitely not in a good place if you’re talking to Jason Mesnick for advice...
Lauren Bland's Final Date
LB didn’t sleep. They’re going on a train to Machu Picchu. They reminisce on how they met before in Dallas? Eerie: "Along the way there were always these glimpses of her I saw. And I was like there she is!"
I have the shoes Eerie’s wearing and I consider burning them. LB: "I love that!" She’s fully made the Eerie transition. Now she just needs the grays, the Mom fetish, and her outfits to start getting much more embarrassing.
Eerie: "I keep talking myself out of Lauren." Eerie says the most condescending shit to her: "I think about if I didn’t give you those two dates in a row..."
LB once again claims she’s psychic and knows what he's thinking all the time.
Eerie asks her to paint a picture of their future lives together. LB answers this like she’s a robot that has Google statsed what humans like: "So, like, right now if we were to go home I could see us, like, waking up and having coffee in the morning and taking [our dogs] for a walk together. And then we'd go to work, come home, make dinner together, have a glass of wine, and then maybe on the weekends take the dogs to the park or hang out with family, hang out with friends. Just do normal couple stuff."
LB: "I don’t think Arie would have let me tell him all those things if he knew he was picking Becca." Lol.
Becca's Last Date
They pet some alpaca and have a grass fight.
Later that Night...
Becca asks if he has any questions for her. Eerie: "I keep going back and forth on a couple things…" It's really a toss up... He tells her that his sister brought up a good point on her side to assuage her fears though. Becca gives Eerie a photo album of pictures of them.
LB fake sips tea. Eerie looks at a terrible view of roofs with an EMPTY COFFEE CUP!!!!
Now Becca writes in her diary.
Eerie: "I can finally realize who I see growing old with... it feels so good to have that clarity. I couldn't have pictured a better woman for me... [the other's] not going to see this coming." NO SHIT EERIE YOU TOLD BOTH YOU WERE SUPER DUPER IN LOVE WITH BOTH OF THEM.
Eerie Dumps LB
They make LB traverse a carpet that has been spray-painted by a PA to give off Peru vibes. Then she has to traverse down a mountain in heels between loose alpacas.
Eerie’s gives her a breakup hug. EERIE SHAKES HIS HEAD. LB IS SO CONFUSED.
Eerie: "I didn’t know fully until this morning. I was in love with her, I was in love with you. I’m sorry to put you through this."
LB: "I still love you." Eerie: "I love you too." Eerie puts LB in the limo. Eerie: "I feel like a monster right now. All I really wanted to tell Lauren was I love you. But I’m saying goodbye."
LB: "I feel completely betrayed. He just completely blindsided me. I let my guard down and let someone in and it still didn’t work out. I whole-heartedly believed that he was going to be the one. I was wrong... He said he’s in love with me and he’s in love with her and had no idea what he was going to do until this morning. Does that not terrify him? How could you get down on one knee if you weren’t sure until three hours ago? I really do think he made a mistake."
THEY CUT TO LORD HARRISON’S FUCKING FACE LOOKING FAKE SAD.
Eerie Proposes to Becca
Eerie looks like he’s vomiting while professing his love to Becca. He gets down on one knee. Eerie: "I choose you today. And I choose you everyday! Becca will you marry me?"
Eerie: "When are we going to start having babies?" The last rose snaps in half ominously.
Back in the Studio...
Lord Harrison: "Is this the end of the story? It sure doesn’t feel like it... What happened after that final day in Peru?" We see some cutesey home videos of their time together after the show.
Eerie: "I go to bed and I think about Lauren and I wake up and I think about Lauren... (Becca) knows that I think about Lauren. I told Becca I would choose her every day and I know I made that commitment and it kills me that I'm going back on that, but I have to follow my heart... With Becca I feel an immense amount of guilt. It’s not fair for her to be in a relationship who is half in."
Eerie: "I decided to call off the engagement." At this point Becca doesn’t know this? "I know this isn’t going to be a popular decision. I’m doing this because I love Lauren."
The Longest Dump
The audience boos Eerie. Lord Harrison "This is raw and real." THEY FUCKING FILM EERIE ENDING THEIR ENGAGEMENT. We see split screen of both sides of the conversation so we don't miss a second of her abject human misery.
Eerie tells Becca that "the more I hang out with you the more I felt like I was maybe losing the possibility of reconciling things with Lauren." HANG OUT. Jesus Christ.
Becca: "Do you want to get back with her?" Eerie: "I want to see if there’s a possibility." Becca: "Are you fucking kidding me? Was this when you had that conversation with her?"
Becca takes her ring off. Eerie: "I know that you’re an incredible woman... I didn’t really let you know to the extent." Becca: "Well, clearly."
Becca: "Well I hope you find what you want. It’s clearly not me. OK I’m done... I’m not gonna like hug you goodbye." Eerie repeatedly refuses to leave. It’s like a fucked up play. They wander around the house.
The entire room shouts "GO!" at the TV. Eerie tries to be the good guy and get her to publicly redeem him. Becca: "Don’t touch me." I want her to blow up but she keeps it classy.
Lord Harrison: "We’re not done yet… To say this is blowing up social media and trending right now is an understatement." Lord Harrison re-teases "the most unedited scene in reality TV history."
Becca: "I feel like my future was ripped away. Like I love you. I want you to be happy but it’s not me." Eerie is completely unfeeling like a sociopath in all of this: "I know talking to you in person and in this way feels cruel. I just want you to move forward.”
Did they pay him to do this??? He’s picking his finger nails. He’s just waiting for his Uber. Becca takes off her mic and leaves room. Slams door. I assume this dance goes on indefinitely.
WE CUT TO BECCA IN PRESENT TIME...
Becca: "Brutal." Lord Harrison: "Have you heard from him after that?" Becca: “Nothing… I feel betrayed a lot of the time because I feel like I was lied to for so long.” Lord Harrison: "We will all see it. Tomorrow night." FOR TWO MORE HOURS? COME. ON.
They're painting Eerie to be this evil dude, and granted, he is. But the show and ABC are COMPLETELY COMPLICIT in the gross spectacle we just watched. That being said, I WILL watch this show until it's cancelled or Trump gets us all killed.
Everyone dragging Eerie IS my fantasy ending for this boring season of watching a dickturd date a bunch of quality women half his age though. See y'all for Becca's redemption.