By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 11 (Air Date: 3/11/19)
Great, another live finale. I'm sure every segment of this four hour debacle will be 1000% emotionally illuminating and necessary. Is this Lord Harrison's retirement? He's AMPED, talking about "the jump heard round the world." Lord Harrison: "Is there still a chance he will lose his virginity?" I can't believe he's talking about Dolton's dick dryness in his intro.
He proceeds to check in with Dolton's virginity at the top of every single commercial break for the entire episode. They start this tight four hours with a recap of the whole season we just watched. Dolton: "The best thing about love is you can't force it." Then we watch him proceed to force it with Cassie.
Back in Portugal...
A van full of producers search frantically for Dolton. They scream with the emotions I would think only reserved for a lost and sickly child. He's a huge, jacked, adult man, right? OR IS HE? They finally spot a lone dark figure.
A female producer runs up to talk to him and DOLTON SHOVES THE PRODUCER and says, "Don't touch me right now."
Shoved Producer: "Are you OK? Dolton: "No, I'm not OK." Is he trying to hitchhike?
It's time to send in the Big Dogs. Lord Harrison jogs up to Dolton and now there's a crowd of people comically running behind him down the road. Dolton: "Dude, I'm done with this shit." Lord Harrison: "You want to be done with the whole thing?" Dolton: "Yep." Lord Harrison: "Done done?"
The Producer hugs him and Dolton starts sobbing. Producer: "We just want to make sure you're OK."
Dolton gets into some dark shit: "I've been through people telling me I'm not enough. It just makes me stronger. Every time I put myself out there I get fucking rejected."
Lord Harrison's not giving up the fight for his format that easily: "You're discounting two people who have told you they love you." Dolton: "I can't do this I'm done." He slams the door of the limo. I've always wanted to see this happen and it’s happening!!!
Back in the Studio...
Lord Harrison: "Will Colton still find love and what about his virginity?" The question on everyone's mind.
Lord Harrison's Fantasy Suite Date
Dolton and Lord Harrison appear to be lying in a bed together. Dolton: "Life without Cassie wouldn't be complete."
Lord Harrison: "What if she's just not that into you?"
The Dumping of Phlebotemist Tayshia
Dolton pulls Tayshia outside to break up with her. He tells her he's in love with Cassie but he starts sobbing. Tayshia: "Can we talk without all these cameras?" No you cannot. They go inside and we hear sobbing and heartbeats.
Now she starts crying. Dolton takes a good long sniff.
Tayshia gets into the car crying but has no Exit Interview.
The Rehashing of the Phlebotemist Dumping
Tayshia, who looks amazing: "He was shaking and he looked like there was something really wrong." Lord Harrison: "You were taking care of him?"
Tayshia gives her best pitch for being next Bachelorette, talking about how she was hurt but she grew. She talks in a really stilted way though and has nowhere near the follower count of the other finalists.
Dolton comes out. His hair is fucking insane. He looks like Ash Ketchum. Brynne: "They're trying to villainze him with this haircut." Tayshia lists the activities they did together to anime Ryan Seacrest/James Corden and asks what was missing. A relationship is not an adventurous itinerary?
The Dumping of Content Hannah
Content Hannah is giddily excited to tell Dolton she loves him. Perfect!
Dolton: "You've been my rock... I realized that I can't love two people... I thought it was going to be you. You still remind me of home."
Dolton: "You don't deserve to be anybody's back-up plan." Content: "I really thought for sure it was going to be us. I don't feel like this is happening at all... That's what I do I make everyone better and then they don't want to stick around... Everybody was so excited. I was like ready to move to wherever." I do feel like she's his golden retriever soul mate.
He's not even telling them that Cassie has already dumped him. Dolton stumbles out crying: "What the fuck am I doing? I don't know if I'm making the right decision." @bachelorclues: "The only thing I know for sure is it's not the black one." Dolton falls into a wall and cries.
A Producer hugs him. Dolton: "I'm scared." Producer: "I know."
Content refuses to do an Exit Interview.
Dolton: "I'm giving up a sure thing for something that may be impossible. That's how much I love Cassie."
The Rehashing of the Content Dump
The Sure Thing is back in Studio. Content: That was "one of the hardest moments that you'd had in your life. No one wants to watch that." We do. She gives her best pitch for being Bachelorette: "My heart's just kind of bruised from it."
Content: "It's the ultimate rejection. I've been hoping for more closure." She confronts him about him giving her no reasons to not believe she was the one, since the FIMP Rose. Content: "What Cassie did to you is what you did to me... I even said to a producer 'tell me to brush my hair if he comes back.'"
She also drags him about the comment about thinking about other girls when he was with Cassie. How could you possibly think about your other girlfriend when you're not physically with her?! Betrayal. Then she does a line that has clearly been focus-group-tested: "I want someone to jump a fence for me."
Lord Harrison: "Are you in love with him?" Content: "Not anymore."
Now, Lord Harrison confronts Dolton about the most important thing in this episode, his new haircut. Lord Harrison: "We're going crazy right now, trending all over Twitter. I think your new haircut has broken Twitter."
I think Lord Harrison hates Dolton. Between this and checking in on his virginity at every single commercial break. Dolton makes the saddest face in the universe and I almost feel bad. But I don't guys!!! No one ends up here by accident!
Lord Harrison Brings out a White Brunette Man Panel for no Reason
Lord Harrison: "For the first time in Bachelor history there are no women left on the show!" Lord Harrison brings out a ring of doofuses. There's School Shooting Blake, Unlovable Ben, the one who's with Kaitlyn Bristowe now (Jason) and MAGArrett. Lord Harrison: "Wassup boyz?!" Kaitlyn's Jason gives Dolton a shred of hope: "There is happiness around the corner."
School Shooting Blake has a very coked up/jump-the-fence energy. MAGArrett adds so many insightful witticisms to the discussion: "He's gonna do whatever it takes to git her." His smile slowly fades after he stops talking and his brain powers back down. WHY AM I WATCHING SOME SORT OF TOOLBAG SPORTS CENTER RIGHT NOW???
We're not even going to see Dolton do a Cassie Knock Knock are we. Lord Harrison puts the icing on the cake of the ep: "Right now he's single and still a Virgin, just like he was at the beginning of our show!" REALLY? HE DIDN'T FUCK IN THE LAST TWENTY SECONDS SINCE YOU LAST SAID IT???
To be continued... Maybe tomorrow we'll hear twenty minutes about how Nick Vile thinks Dolton should just keep fighting for love and enjoy the journey or whatever the fuck.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 9 (Air Date: 3/04/19)
Guys. Last night's episode was perfect. The human misery element was so, so strong. We all watch this show because traumatizing psychological experiments are now illegal under today's law unless they take the form of reality tv shows, right? Just checking.
We start Fantasy Suites Week with a father-son sex talk between Lord Harrison and Dolton. Dolton reiterates that there's no plan here: "I don't have a perfect plan." Again, just to be clear, even though he's really religious he's not waiting for marriage. He just wants to go out of Virginity with a bang, Almost Famous style (cool threesome). Lord Harrison: "This is going to change your life forever." I've never been more convinced than during this episode that Dolton is living out some sort of "Big" Situation (child trapped in adult body). There's the way he talks to Lord Harrison (adults with ties). The way he talks to the adult women (adults with boobs).
Dolton goes back to the Top Three Players, who are panicking in their moment going off script of the show. They haven't gotten their Cheers Trophy right after Rose Ceremony. Dolton comforts them: "I had to talk to Chris, sorry." He barely gets out a slow speech about going where "the mountains meet the ocean... Portugal."
They go to Portugal
We see flashbacks of all three one-month relationships with a black misty effect on the border of the screen to show that actual emotional progress has happened on this show, and we're not just watching a series of nonsense. Then we get Wistful Pondering Shots of each of the Top Three in Portugal. Nothing else can powerfully state how much they are looking forward to getting in on that Virginal D this week. Side note, this show is bad for women.
Day Date with Phlebotemist Tayshia
Tayshia's forced to say through gritted teeth that she's excited that they're going to experience his "first together" and that she "can't wait." Neither she nor Dolton nor Bach Nashe believe her.
Dolton: "We're going to a place where it's known to be magical!" They get in a helicopter and have to repeat a conversation that must be scripted because there's no way Dolton knows the word "export". Dolton: "What is Portugal's biggest export?" Tayshia: "They do olive oil." Dolton: "Extra virgin though." Good God. They go along with this charade because we all must.
They sit outside a beautiful lighthouse castle and make some confusing weird jokes about Dolton's pants being too tight/his leg cramping. Dolton: "It's probably because I'm a Virgin." ????? Tayshia: "There's ways to loosen that up you know?"
By the way, congrats to Tayshia for finally breaking 100K IG followers. The disparity is huge with the other Top Three. Cassie's at 835K. Content Hannah's at 748K.
Later that Night...
At dinner they have a conversation where they're painfully aware of and comment on how the whole country is watching. Phlebotemist's dress is acting up: "Don't let me flash the whole world." They give each other thank you speeches, the way one does. Then her tit falls out of her dress, as one does. Phlebotemist: "That was a nip slip." Child Dolton brags: "I saw that one!" See guys, he is experienced!
She figures this is the perfect moment to flip her Personal Tragedy Card, her divorce, and reveal the darker side of her PTC, that her husband cheated on her. She's a pro. In return, Dolton gives her the Trophy of the Fantasy Suite Card & Key, representing an opportunity to fuck and more importantly, talk off camera for the first time. Phlebotemist: "If he has a big smile tomorrow you'll know why." They pop champagne and it explodes.
Dolton brags that though he's a virgin he's "been close" and he's "experienced in different ways." I'm a virgin but let's just say I've done cool stuff. He *did* see her tit at dinner. He closes the door. We hear her giggles.
THE NEXT DAY...
Phlebotemist looks disappointed, like she knows Dolton's not picking her, saying that they didn't bang. Phlebotemist: "I could pick up on his nervous energy but I got to see him for who he really is." She keeps making this awkward face at him.
She tries to leave and he takes her robe off her to keep her from taking it. No Trophy for you. Phlebotemist: "I think I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown." Fantasy Suites are going great so far!
Day Date with Cassie
Cassie and Dolton have the "Market Day" date. The best part of the travel portion of this show is how they treat other cultures as a prop. Dolton is trying very hard to hold onto his V-card so he wears this shirt.
Dolton cheerses her: "To being in Europe with you."
Dolton suggests they get matching PJ's. Cassie: "This is see-through." Definite adult Dolton: "Wouldn't be mad about that." They make out in an alley and he grabs her butt. Dolton: "We can explore things together. That's what I want out my wife... I got someone very special in front of me." He's already broken up with Tayshia in his mind.
Dolton and Cassie go to a dance class for the aged. Dolton: "Isn't this what you want your life to be like?" An elderly circle of dancers? There are so many accordions. She’s dancing with an old guy. Dolton: "That's my girlfriend!" Dolton's confessional: "Cassie makes me feel complete. I love Cassie. Point blank... I want to be in love the first time I have sex." He fills her in on his conversation with Daddy Cassie. "Out of all three of the conversations, it was the most challenging -- in the best way! I did ask him for a Blessing... I didn’t get his Approval."
Cassie: "You didn't?... I left feeling like they trusted me to make the right decision... And you're OK with that? I wish you had told me then." If she was into this she could be like oh whatever. She's been gunning HARD for next Bachelorette the whole time, playing Dolty like a fiddle and she and her family probably planned this move. On the other hand, she's got a very empty vessel vibe, and maybe this pokes at something she’s insecure about. I bet her parents have made every decision in her life so far, including going to Christian college. I'd also bet someone else convinced her to go on this show.
Daddy Cassie's Knock Knock
Daddy Cassie shows up in Portugal. @bachelorclues: "He's flying out for a remote blessing." He kind of looks like a doughey Kiefer Sutherland.
Daddy Cassie tells her how the whole family got the hint that she's not super into Dolton and that he and her Mom never had any doubts about their own relationship. He mentions God and Jesus repeatedly. Daddy Cassie: "For me to give a blessing after a half hour conversation isn't really diligent." You're a valuable asset I won't just GIVE away. He's here for the remote anti-blessing. Daddy Cassie: "How are you feeling on that? Do you love him?"
Cassie trying to convince herself/Bach Nashe: "I think I do. Yeah." He asks if there's a "but" several times and gaslights her into breaking up with Dolton. Daddy Cassie: "You can't have any doubts. When God has a plan for you it's a perfect soul mate." And that soul mate is your Dad's decision. Cassie sticks her lip out like a toddler. She blows him a kiss goodbye, normal dad daughter shit.
Later that Night...
Cassie puts on a ton of makeup and a fancy dress to go dump his ass. Dolty has other ideas. He puts on his Virginity Loss Scarf. Dolton: "Cass is the one. My heart is complete when I think of Cassie." HE'S BREAKING FORMAT. ALERT.
She cheerses him to their relationship? Cassie confesses: "My dad actually showed up at my hotel room earlier. Ummmmmm... He told me about their kind of love and he never had any doubts about it and she never had any doubts about it either." Dolton: "This process doesn't matter if it's not with the person I feel the strongest for."
Cassie: "I hate that you say that. It's sweet. I want you to have what you want too... Today was perfect and I love you so much but I couldn’t after today, but I’m not like, IN love. I feel like I’m having doubts about it."
Dolton: "Were you planning on leaving tonight?" Cassie says "I don't know" 300,000 times in this conversation. Cassie: "I don't know I hate that I don't know. I can't I'm sorry." She takes off her mic and cries to Producers, "Now I'm second-guessing it. I didn't know it was going to be this hard."
Dolton hugs her, and pulls out all the stops: "I'm OK with being patient." Cassie is doing anything to get out of it: "I don't know that I'm gonna get there." Dolton: "I don't want to lose you." He makes them sit back down. He definitely watched the show You too many times and has become Penn Badgley.
Dolton continues to jam all his eggs in this one basket: "I don't want you to make a decision tonight. I can't stop thinking about you. It's hard for me to go on dates with other women... I'm sitting here telling you that I'm in love with you." Cassie completely miscalculated this situation. She thought she had time to dump him before it would make her the Villain. Colton starts violently shaking. Cassie: "Stop shaking!" Yeah, this is some motherfucking jump-the-fence energy rn!!!! She stares out creepily as she hugs him, picturing her potential suitors in a couple weeks.
Dolton: "I don't want to lose you. I fucking love you. I want to give you your time I want to give you your space. I want to give you whatever you need." It doesn't work. The shaking cannot be helping... Dolton: "So that's it?" He puts on his Jumping Jacket. He walks her to the middle of a lawn and takes one last sniff of her hair.
Cassie: "I want you to be with someone who's insanely in love with you." Dolton: "That breaks my heart." Cassie: "Are you mad at me?" Dolton: "I love you." Cassie: "I love you." They kiss and she gets in the limo.
Cassie's Exit Interview
She puts on her best show for Bach Nashe, crying, "I feel bad about everything." Dolton goes in the Fantasy Suite alone. Dolton: "I'm done. I'm done with this." He hits a camera away. He flips a walkie talkie off a ledge. He rips his mic pack off. Producer: "Somebody get Chris!" Lord Harrison: "Colton!" They had him on call once things started going south.
Dolton Jumps the Fucking Fence
Catharsis. I feel like I just lost my own virginity. Time stops.
Lord Harrison: "He just jumped the fucking fence!"
@rubenconner: "Fence jumping has a Truman escaping the Truman Show vibe." Lord Harrison opens the gate that Dolton flew over and begins the search party for Dolton.
They broke him.
@brynnekennedyphotography: "He's a 26-year-old virgin, he's been broken."
To be continued...