By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 2 (Air Date: 5/29/17)
The guys settle into the Bachelor mansion. They perform the sacred morning ritual of lining up and screaming "Rachel!" off the balconies.
They reassemble in their living room spots as Lord Harrison gives his orientation to love camp.
Firefighter Bryce re: Rachel: "You feel like she's smiling right at you."
I wonder if I would still think Jack Stone was creepy if he didn't go by his full name. Probably.
The guys cheers to the journey and Whacokehead continues to push his schtick. I tried to do this move and I injured myself so be careful out there. What if Whaboom was a philanthropical organization, and each embarrassing, guttural yell-seizure gained exposure for it and helped the world instead of its current importance of being literally nothing?
Group Date I: Cleaning up Shit
The first set of V-necks play football with Rachel somewhere that looks like New Zealand.
Iggy wins the award for dumbest shit said this episode: "It's hard with Lucas because I kind of question his personality traits right now."
Aspiring Drummer Grant, however, takes the Lucas fixation to the next, extremely necessary level: "I know the real Lucas. Lucas is garbage. And Lucas is not here to find a wife. Lucas is here to be on television. And the one person that could ruin that for him is me. And I'm going to."
Whacokehead picks Rachel up against her will and spins her around. She screams in protest: "I'm in a dress!!!" He spins her anyway.
"Rachel's" brought Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis to help her run a husbanding relay race. They are NOT PROMOTING ANYTHING?!?! VERY CONFUSED. Mila and Ashton say this show is their "guilty pleasure" ever since people said Jared from Kaitlyn's season looks like Ashton. They're actually stating during this show that you should feel guilty if you watch. NEVER.
Ashton and Mila then openly mock the low bar for the quality of dudes that are generally on the show. They ask who has health insurance and a job.
Wrestler Kenny keeps bragging that due to being a father he has a leg up on scooping baby shit: "I was up to my elbows in like, that yellow poop.
Back at the Mansion...
The creepy doll AJ now floats like a corpse in the pool.
Musician Lee starts ranting nonsense to Urkel Will. I don't really remember him from last week but Will is HOT AS HELL??? NEW FAVORITE.
Lee is already riled up to a 10 even though there's only been one date. He says the guys are going to "go out and mess up and look like shit. Just kidding. I'm just kidding. But I'm not. But I am." I love this early stage where you can only see little glimpses of the mental instability that led them to sign up for this.
Will: "Lee's a character, man. But he's just-- he takes it a little too far."
Back on the Group Date...
The guys begin their relay race of husband tasks. The doll motif of this season has been out of control. The guys have to clean fake poop off baby dolls. They BLUR THIS OUT??
Ashton: "I'm gonna make a bold prediction. I don't think Rachel's guy is in this group... I knew on day one."
Mila tells Bachelor Nation she's going to give him at least a beej tonight for this romantic comment.
Another Iggyism: "I mean, I poop every day. So I feel like I can handle it alright."
Wrestler Kenny continues to brag about his diaper changing skills due to his single-fatherdom. "Like, I got a seventh-degree black belt in dirty diapers."
The guys are so bad at the obstacles that Mila Kunis collapses on the ground in laughter.
Aspring Blake continues to be obsessed with Whacokehead.
We get artsy shots from the POV of the fake rope of hair being pulled out of the drain.
Whacokehead drowns his doll.
The Wrestler and Whacokehead are neck and neck. Whacokehead stiff-arms the Wrestler, knocking him out. It should be repeatedly noted that they haven't even given the guys any stakes for this race.
Aspiring Blake points out how Whacokehead hasn't been following the directions perfectly: "He didn't follow directions like, three different times."
Whacokehead wins and slams his baby on the ground screaming: "I'm husband material!"
He throws out a "Hit 'em with the Hein" which makes me question my Stern love. Whacokehead screams "Whaboom" at Ashton. Mila: "That's the sound that he makes." Ashton: "For what?" Mila: "Like excitement." Ashton is all of us: "Why?"
Whacokehead forces Ashton to give him a high five and it's gross. You get the feeling this is the peak moment of his life.
Aspring Blake: "I've tried to just kind of sit back and be cool and just kind of let him burn his own bridge. But it's not burning fast enough. This shit with Lucas ends tonight. Whaboom."
Then he mic-drops the baby.
Later at Group Date Cocktails...
Rachel confronts Whacokehead for stiff-arming the Wrestler: "you muffed him!" I looked up this use of the word.
He maintains that he did it for her. Lol.
Aspiring Blake chats with the other guys. He acts like his drama with Whacokehead is written all over his face and he's gotta come clean: "I kind of want to address an elephant in the room."
Aspiring Blake: "I know Lucas from a, you know, previous encounter."
Aspiring Blake: "Like, he's been doing the Whaboom BS for the last three years... He's doing his act because he wants to be on TV."
Meanwhile Whacokehead reads Rachel a poem: "Your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile are just the tip of all you entile." Jesus Christ.
Rachel and Freddy discuss for the hundredth time how she can't stop seeing him as a bad child. The lack of detail here is annoying. What did he do that was so memorably bad??
Rachel's confessional: "I like for the guy to make the first move."
Iggy conducts a job interview while sweating profusely: "So from a career perspective, what's-- what's on the horizon for you?"
Lil Boy Deanie gets in on the Whacokehead pile-on: "Where is the differentiation between Whaboom and Lucas?"
Whatcokehead: "There is none. It's not an act. It's not a show. When I want to turn it on I turn it on."
Aspiring Blake decides it's time to confront Rachel: "Him being here literally has wasted everyone's time. Like, it's time to be a man and go tell Rachel the truth."
Aspring Blake to Rachel: More like "just 'wha-go-away,' please."
Rachel: "Not a fan?"
Aspiring Blake: "I didn't want to make this about the Blake and Lucas show."
Rachel: "We're already here." Blake: "I didn't want to get into this."
Blake: "He's a fucking clown for TV exposure. And then when he's with you, he's the sweet realistic-- like whatever he is with you."
Blake gets deeper into it: "Check out the makeup that he's got on that he brought himself."
Blake: "He wanted to make sure he looked his best on TV."
Blake: "I didn't want to make our alone time about Lucas."
Aspiring Blake then confesses to Whacokehead that he threw him under the bus.
Aspiring Blake: "I see through your shit."
Whacokehead: "I'll get me to the top. You're dismissed."
Insert shot of clown face.
Lil Dean asks Rachel what advice Mila and Kutch gave her.
Rachel's D for Lil Dean's Lil D.
They have a cute conversation despite this being the second time he asks if his opening line was OK. She says that he actually stole her line.
Aspring Blake and Whacokehead have a bizarre conversation about Blake's roommate who is Whacokehead's ex who is being evicted from Blake's apartment?
Kenny: "Listen, I'm a pro wrestler. I know all about white dudes acting crazy. Like, these white dudes are kinda buggin right now."
He focuses on the task at hand. He tells Rachel all about his crazy adventures with his daughter and how they want a third adventure friend.
It's not enough. Rachel gives the group date rose to Lil Dean.
He walks her out and they make out.
Hot Peter's One-on-one
Peter is such a fucking babe once he takes off that weird suit. I wanna say top two barring some freak incident.
Rachel tells Hot Peter that she's bringing her friend who was in an accident on their date. IT'S COPPER!!!!!!!
She's still super vague about how Copper got injured which is very weird.
The trio get on a private jet.
They go to some sort of dog festival promotion situation and it's the only date this ep I'd want to go on.
They talk about how both of them are willing to move wherever.
Rachel is INTO it.
Peter dances with Copper and with my heart.
Later at cocktails...
For longer than anyone thought humanly possible, Hot Peter and Rachel discuss how they both have a gap between their front teeth.
Rachel asks why he's still single despite being sex incarnate. Peter says his last relationship didn't work out so he saw a therapist.
Rachel: "You're scaring me." Why you ask? She also went to a therapist.
Rachel gives him the rose: "You completed exceeded my expectations."
Despite Rachel saying she likes the guy to make the first move, she grabs him .
Rachel: "I am such a smitten kitten over Peter."
Group Date II: Dunkin Grownups
Names for the last date are called and I swear I've never seen Matt before in my life.
DeMario's in: "You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore. And we're gonna see who's built Ford tough."
Kareem Abdul-Jabar and Rachel tell the guys they'll be playing basketball against each other. Here's Will again.
The guys are terrible at basketball.
DeMario flirts with Rachel and is "confident like Michael Jordan in the finals." I assume that's a sports person. Just kidding. But am I?
Kareem gives Rachel love advice: "Basketball's a really good game to connect to romance."
Kareem, ominously: "People will do a Jekyll and Hyde on you."
Matt is this group date's Iggy, wanting to be "the most valuable player in the game and I can be the most valuable player in her life."
The PA has rescued AJ from the pool and brought him to this gym and redone his hair.
Lord Harrison mocks Eric, saying that if he's going to be showy and dance "you better make" the shot.
A bunch of random women cheer the game on with personalized signs such as "Go team go!"
DeMario: "D is for DeMario, dunking, and defense."
Rachel takes pictures with fans after the game. Then she sits down with an unknown fan. But wait, IT'S NOT A FAN?! What did they tell Rachel before she sat down?
She's actually someone's ex/current girlfriend!!!
Ex: "He literally still has the keys to my apartment."
Ex: "Nothing had happened to signify the end of our relationship." This prompts Rachel to grab DeMario from his post-game huddle with the boys. They assume he's getting a rose.
DeMario tries to start his metaphorical spiel about everything he's learned from basketball that applies to life: "The biggest thing I took away..."
Ex says the line she flew to LA for: "Karma's a bitch, isn't it DeMario?"
DeMario with the line of the episode: "Ohhh... Who, who's this?"
Rachel: "You don't know who this is?"
Ex: "You still have the keys to my apartment, you asshole."
Ex: You appeared on the show "when you were in my bed weeks before." DeMario calls her a psycho to Rachel.
DeMario: "I met her many, many times ago."
Rachel is probably a very good lawyer. She's on it: "What do you mean 'many times ago'?"
DeMario tries to talk about this off-camera because it's "like, some personal life stuff."
He says they had something but that he broke it off because she was nuts. Ex: "When did you do that? On my brother and my father's grave, on both my kittens. Last time he was in my house he was fucking me."
Rachel asks if they communicated after the supposed break-up. DeMario: "Um, some communications..."
Rachel: "Why would you just not stop talking to her?"
DeMario digs his grave deeper and deeper: "I don't have the keys to your apartment. Oh, wait. Actually, I'm sorry. I mailed those keys to your apartment."
Rachel: "You don't make any sense. I don't know you right now either."
DeMario: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely."
Ex offers phone proof. Rachel asks DeMario whose story the phone will corroborate.
DeMario: "I mean, we've had sexual intercourse before."
Ex: "You're so caught in your lies right now."
Rachel with the new line-of-the-ep: "Let me tell you something: I’m not here to be played. I’m not here to be made a joke of, which is what I feel like you’re doing right now with me, so I’m really going to need you to get the fuck out."
Rachel is pissed at the show for setting her up: "This is not the shit that I signed up for."
She tells the guys.
Later that night...
Someone: "DeMario is a dirty, dirty dog." We get an insert shot of a scary raccoon.
The guys compete to offer the most supportive shoulder for Rachel to cry on. Josiah: "It hurt me to see the hurt on your face." He side-smiles hard, "I want to see where things go."
Other comfort tactics include Alex singing in Russian to her and Will reading a quote about success.
The guy who fails this comforting test the hardest is the angled face guy. He sits as far as possible away from her on the couch.
Eric: "My love language is quality time. What is your love language?"
He offers a hug. Rachel: "Just a hug?"
Rachel gives group date rose to Josiah. Sure enough we get some side-smile.
Later that night...
The guys' rooms are already disgusting.
Colombian chiropractor Bryan grabs Rachel and kisses her.
Then he acts like this was some awkward spontaneous moment they both got caught up in, "Okay, um, good start. Hi." I severely dislike him.
He tells her he wants to be her stress relief and massages her.
ADAM BRINGS RACHEL MORE FUCKING DOLLS!!!!
Icky makes her do a thumb war...
Meanwhile, DeMario's returned. He changed into a suit and asks Lord Harrison if he can talk to Rachel.
Rachel is curious about what he has to say.
Angry little musician Lee starts handing out pitchforks to the guys.
TO BE CONTINUED. FUCK. I hate when they don't end the ep with a rose ceremony. Is nothing sacred???
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 1 (Air Date: 5/22/17)
The Rachelorette has begun! As much as I want to dislike Rachel and think there must be some way she's known about this plan since the beginning of Nick's season, she is SO damn charming. And I'm not just saying that because they completely overdo her intro sequence by showing us a trillion likability shots of her laughing, spinning around in circles, and dancing through town like she's beginning Beauty and the Beast...
There's a quick shot of her "practicing law" but then don't worry we're right back to dancing.
A CUTE INJURED PUPPY?! I'M ALREADY WON OVER ABC YOU DIDN'T NEED TO DO THIS. Does Rachel get to take him on this journey?! Yes, I now know it's a him and his name is Copper and there's already several Twitter accounts for him and we're in love.
Positive-Attributes-Renaissance-woman Rachel can even throw a basketball somewhere!!!
The first contestant background we get is Alex, the salamander-eater. I'm not sure this bodes well for her suitors. He talks about how he loves to work out.
BUT THEN, Alex reveals how he's actually also "a nerd"!!!!! He benchpresses a book and then presents a completed Rubix cube.
Mohit shows us how he loves to Bollywood dance. Next, a raging, coked-out sociopath named Lucas introduces himself as a "Whaboom!" He doesn't really explain it but he does scare a squirrel, tackle a man, and sing. He seizes up in his confessional.
He seizes up in a yard.
His stomach seizes.
The "Aspiring Drummer" Blake E., talks about how he fucks and how he has a great dick. He lifts up two women on the beach to demonstrate this.
Diggy confesses that he has a crippling shopping problem and owns 575 pairs of sneakers.
Josiah, the prosecuting attorney, tells a horrible childhood story of how he found his brother who had killed himself, which sent him on a path of juvenile crime. It's a major bummer but he tells everyone it's OK because he eventually because an attorney to help other troubled youths.
Previous Bachelor Contestants Reunite
Instead of the tradition of the previous Bachelorettes giving the new Bachelorette advice, they bring back the other contestants Rachel competed with on Nick's season. I actually like this better.
The ladies cheers to being Rachel's Bridesmaids which is probably in her contract if ABC foots the bill for Rachel's wedding. Dolphin Alexis tells her to not judge anyone if they come in a costume and Rachel pretends for a hot second she would be cool settling for the male version of Alexis.
Russian Kristina looks HOT AS HELL. Silent Whitney finally justifies why she's there by giving Rachel a "warning from a friend" about DeMario. Too bad DeMario is that level of hotness that surpasses warnings. Tiffany Trump gives Rachel nonsensical advice about who to pick.
I forgot how dumb Raven is. She starts crying?? She IS now the most famous person from her town just for being a contestant so I guess the idea of actually being the chosen lead of this show would rock her to her core.
Peter is hot but wears a strange suit and for some reason thinks being from Wisconsin is extremely endearing. Josiah leaves his conversation with Rachel by saying, "See you later litigator."
Bryan is Colombian and speaks Spanish to her. He wears a red pocket square to subconsciously indicate to her and Bachelor Nation that he's already won a rose. Rachel is smitten: "I like trouble." Uh oh.
Wrestler Kenny has her do this.
Diggy, the Senior Inventory Analyst, tells Rachel he's going to teach her "how to Diggy." Remember from that guy who had that song? My name sort of sounds similar to that.
Brady, the model, sledgehammers a block of ice to "break the ice". Rachel says she likes corny.
I've seen this show before. You have no IDEA how low my expectations were. I saw Rated R run away through bushes with a full-leg cast for having a secret girlfriend. I saw Kasey get the Guard and Protect your heart tattoo. I saw Mad Chad black out and threaten to murder everyone. And these were some of these women's BEST options.
The four that Rachel initially met at After The Final Rose all come out.
Dean doubles down on his stupid joke and asks Rachel what she thought of him saying "once I go black I won't go back." Rachel says she thought it was cute. FOR REAL RACH??? DeMario calls himself the "number one seed in the bracket... Imma win." Aspiring Blake E. comes out with a marching band. He says he was trying to "redeem himself after an awkward introduction." It's weird that they've gotten feedback already from Bachelor Nation and adjusted. HE STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT. ADJUSTMENT FAILED.
Ugh Rachel appears to outwardly love it.
Fred comes out super serious and shows Rachel his elementary school yearbook. He was in 3rd grade and reveals her 8th grade picture. Rachel: "He was a very bad kid." HAHA.
Jonathan comes out and he is CREEPY AS HELL despite having such a non-creepy-sounding job and hometown: "Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL."
JONATHAN TICKLES HER!!! EWWW!!!
Lee, the Nashville songwriter, sings her a song but sounds like he's gasping for air.
Alex vacuums his way in, calling back Rachel's intro sequence in The Bachelor where she danced around her apartment.
Milton takes a selfie with her and then MAKES A GROWLING NOISE AT HER.
Adam brings a creepy fucking doll with him that he calls Little Adam. Blake K.: "That's almost as bad as tickling her."
Matt dressed up as a penguin: "I'm gonna waddle right into her heart."
Grant, the Emergency Physician arrives in an ambulance.
Anthony is a drip.
Jack Stone threatens her that she "better" come talk to him inside.
Jedidiah: "When Jacob met Rachel, he wept."
Mike Black: "The blacker the brownie the sweeter the dude."
Someone: "There's a lot of fly dudes."
DeMario: "Which one of y'all the crazy one?"
Suddenly, a lunatic screams through a megaphone from within the limo: "195 pounds of pure lean muscle mass. Also has one testicle larger than the other which of course is completely normal. Your future husband!"
The psycho cokehead Whaboom emerges!
We've only seen two scenes of him but I can say with 100% certainty that he has poisoned little children on Halloween. Whaboom SCREAMS at Rachel's face to give her a "glimpse of Whaboom". Rachel: "That's just a glimpse?"
Demario: "That's the crazy one." The group reacts to their flyness ratio lowering.
Someone describes meeting Rachel as "meeting a Disney princess" and confirms my theory of how they framed her intro. DeMario's confessional: "She's so sexy, can I say that?" I'VE ALREADY FALLEN FOR DEMARIO'S TRICKS.
Rachel enters the fray and gives her opening speech.
The dudes get pissed that Josiah grabs Rachel first. He gets part of his sob story out immediately and Rachel tells him, "I love full circle stories."
Josiah explains to the guys: "Y'all boys was over here lollygagging and laughing." He keeps bragging about how he's going to win. There's something unstable but endearing about him.
Dean loves the beach and wants to build a sand castle with Rachel. Then he says he's never built one??? Dean says one true thing: "She's absolutely out of my league."
One guy gives her a draft card with her face on it. Someone has posed the creepy doll AJ with a glass of champagne.
Adam then chats with Rachel while AJ records every second.
To escalate this, AJ of course has his own confessional and inexplicably only speaks French.
Frederick talks with Rachel about her being his camp counselor. Something makes me think he's only aged physically.
Bryan grabs her: "Wassup troublemaker?" He tells her he's 37. Rachel: "I love that already."
Bryan makes Rachel say she likes him the most in Spanish. He aggressively makes out with her. Rachel's confessional: "I did not want to kiss anybody tonight but boy did I love it!" Ugh she's so charming and I'm so scared of the fucked up shit these tools are gonna do.
Whaboom screams and "falls" over the sofa. Someone: "He's a nutcase. Did you guys drug test?"
Whaboom starts narrating Rachel's one-on-one time with other dudes through the megaphone at Rachel. Rachel and the dudes just ignore him. The things you just have to go through to find love.
Aspiring Blake's confessional: "Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under you."
Milton GROWLS at Rachel again. Aspiring Blake confronts a wasted Whaboom about being there for the wrong reasons.
Whaboom: "Everyone has a little Whaboom in them"
Aspiring Blake deadpans: "I have no Whaboom in me."
Wrestler Kenny to Rachel: "I'm the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King." Rachel grabs the first impression rose.
Rachel gives Chiropractor Bryan the rose.
He makes out with her insanely hard.
A wasted Mohit witnesses and yells out, "NOOOOOO!!!!!"
Jamey ponders: "Maybe she doesn't like guys with perfect hair and perfect facial features."
Roses for Peter, Will, Jack Stone, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, THE TICKLER, Bryce, Nerd Alex, Wrestler Kenny, Dean, Penguin Matt, Anthony, Model Brady...
More roses for Josiah, Guitar Lee, Shoeholic Diggy, Bad Kid Fred, Adam (DOLL GUY), Aspiring Drummer Blake E...
Last rose goes to WHABOOM. He screams like a fucking psychopath.
Goodbye other Blake, Drunk Mohit, Jedidiah, Growler Milton, Rob, ER Doc,...
By the way, Milton the growler CRIES going home because he only got to wear one of his outfits. My emotional investment in this season is already out of control. See you next week.