By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 3 (Air Date: 5/28/19)
WOMB GROUP DATE
In a weirdly trenchant group date, the Bachelorette producers force the men to go through the various physical traumas of having a baby, just like all the women/children who will be forced to have children in real life in Alabama!
They do all the normal date activities: they take a test about the anatomy of a vagina, then get their nipples clamped in clothespins, and then have to experience the literal pain of labor with Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen. Comedy & Torture! John Paul Jones discovers a new kink and gives us some great faces.
Mike takes this opportunity to play his PTC (Personal Tragedy Card) and tells Hama about how his ex miscarried. You've been tortured physically, now is time to be tortured emotionally. Cam/AlwaysBeCam/Scam keeps trying to interrupt Mike and yells, "Wrap it up!"
Scam forces his way in eventually and tries to play his first PTC, that he quit his job to come on this show and Hama should feel bad for him. There's a lot of scary physical gestures around the various men cutting in, moreso than usual. John Paul Jones eats chicken nuggets in a Scam callback.
Now Scam stares down the guy who tried to block him in revenge. Scam: "I'm fascinated that you did that. Didn't think you had it in you."
Hama gives group date rose to Mike for his excellent PTC use. Scam is pissed because he thinks his PTC of quitting a job was stronger than Mike's PTC of his ex's miscarriage.
ConNor Sickness Date
Hama goes to the ER because she's already physically overwhelmed by this experience and has fainted. Therefore Connor's date is cancelled and he has to go hang out with her without a helicopter. He brings her soup and flowers and they make out. Is she contagious? Connor plays his PTC, telling Hama about how his mom had a stroke. Connor has the flattest affect of all time.
Connor returns to the mansion. Shower Jesus is starting to lose it and it's awesome. He has a bit of a Mad Chad thing going on and he grills Connor: "How are her symptoms?" What a fucking psycho. It doesn't look that psycho when I type it out but just believe me, it was.
Connor liked the "real" date because "this is how life will be after." @bachelorclues: "You’ll be sick." The guys ask what Hama was wearing. This is all fine and normal. Someone picks Connor up for a night time date. Shower Jesus: "it’s a Pity Rose."
Oh great! Connor still got to do the lame awkward private concert part of the date! Hama gives him rose. Tyler G has to leave for mysterious reasons that we are not told about?!?! This show fucking showed them telling the guys an ex-contestant had died hang-gliding ON CAMERA. How are we not getting more info? My researchers are telling me that this may have to do with a reddit thread about how he's a misogynist and spit on a woman. He had a one-on-one last week but I had no notes because it was so damn boring. They cut all the spitting.
Animal Group Date
Demi is back to set up and spy on the men. This is finding love! "She's" hired a couple women to fake hit on the contestants. They seem to know it’s a set up though and it's boring. Shower Jesus is getting funnier the crazier he gets. Hama: "I need him to slow his roll... Luke P stole the show but in a negative way. He flaunts our connection in front of the other guys." She confronts him. Hama: "Your confidence in this kind of has me irritated." Shower Jesus: "Can I cut you off for a second?" She tells him he's acting cocky and she wants it to change. He’s gonna lose it. This guy's never been told no in his life AND I'M FUCKING HERE FOR IT.
Shower Jesus goes back to the dudes and puts his feet on table, hard. He mad. Someone: "He’s very unstable I’m actually very worried about him." The cutting in gets to the next level and at one point I'm pretty sure all the dudes are trapping Hama in the bathroom.
Hama: "I want to call my own shots." I’m actually impressed with how she’s handling this. Shower Jesus isn't getting what he wants so he's threatening to leave.
Hama's very excited to talk to Pilot Peter and he reveals that his Mom was Miss Illinois. I think he’s going to go far. They make out. Pilot Pete: "That was the smoothest takeoff I’ve ever had." Hama walks through all the men and says, "I love all the smells." She scolds Shower Jesus again and then gives group rose to Pilot Pete.
Scam warns all the men that he's about to unleash his PTC on Hama and she may not be able to handle it.
Someone: "Hannah doesn’t need to do anything to look beautiful." She’s clearly in full makeup full hair.
Scam pulls Hama for his hail mary. He says a random assortment of PTC's: an almost amputation, his grandma died, he gave up his dog? Scam reminds me of Nic Cage.
Oh no, Mike is stepping into Tattler role. He's gonna blow himself up trying to blow up Scam. He tells Hama that Scam told all of them he was going to do a Hail Mary for a Pity Rose. Scam says they're interfering with his "destiny."
Shower Jesus gets a rose. She’s instructing him on how to be a better sociopath. Scam and a couple other non-speaking roles go home. Ya shoulda been a hotter sociopath Scam! Like shower Jesus. If you hot enough the behavior is acceptable.
Scam ends it with Hama like a job interview: "thank you for the opportunity." It reminds me of this time I had a Tinder date end our date with a handshake and a "we'll be in touch." Then he loses it outside. ABC: always be crying.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 2 (Air Date: 5/20/19)
Lord Harrison: "Welcome to the mansion!" And like in all mansions, you’ll be sleeping in bunk beds and recorded the whole time.
Mr. Right Group Date.
It's Pageant Day. Miss Jay and a couple drag queens host. The dudes have to walk in speedos. Love the group humiliation date!
Someone: "Hannah is ingenious when it comes to having fun." They have to literally do strip teases.
Dumb Luke/Shower Jesus: "I don’t have much when it comes to immediate stage talent." He tells Hama he's falling in love with her and he wins the pageant. I feel like Shower Jesus cannot find his way around a vagina but he’d vote to outlaw abortion.
Hama: "Luke P told me he was starting to fall in love with me. And I believe him... He’s saying everything my heart needs him to say." Jed gets the group date rose for his song though. Major immediate stage talent.
Jed: "I didn’t win the me right pageant but think I won the night." He knows which Trophies in this game are meaningful.
Tyler G One-on-One
They take off in helicopter and blow everyone’s shirts up exposing their mic tape. Jed raps. Oh no. Tyler and Hama go dirt biking. Tyler: "This is how fairy tales start." Did they give all the guys a bunch of molly this season?? It’s week 2. I’m pretty sure Tyler is an AI bot programmed to speak in inspirational Instagram posts.
Roller derby group date
Someone: "she’s beautiful and she knows it and she’s rocking it." The derby ladies tell everyone that they will fall. You WILL get hurt in this "date." Not even Hama wants to do it. Hama: "Last time I went roller skating I broke my arm but here I am!" The more trauma the better. That's finding love!
Singer Cam tries to promote his own catchphrase: "ABC: Always Be Cam." Fred Willard narrates this derby race on the brink of death. The audience chants "Kill!" K. Cam crashes the group date and commits the heinous crime of using the phrase "Hannalytical". Several guys interrupt his confessionals to tell him it’s not cool. Dustin gets group date rose.
Like any good party host, Hama starts crying as she soon as she enters the party. This is finding love. She cheerses them to "real moments". It's not real if you're not actively crying. Scammin Cam makes Kevin and Hama both come over to do "a chicken nugget ceremony" with him. Kevin says "go fuck yourself" to Scam and throws a bunch of nuggets at him. K.
Shower Jesus gives Hama "a sneak peek of what can come down the road" by giving her a massage. Jed walks in on them and Shower Jesus is shirtless but this mini drama peters out.
Connor J., Daron, and Matthew go home. Scam gets the last rose.