By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 4 (Air Date: 6/19/17)
Before I get into it, it looks like production for Bachelor in Paradise has started up again. They've done an "internal investigation" and found no wrong-doing... I know I basically said life isn't worth living if they cancel the show but I do sincerely hope this isn't some sort of cover-up. The producers have certainly done some questionable shit before but there's part of me hoping there's a line...
In other news, I finally looked at the racist/sexist/homophobic/otherwise disgusting tweets of Angry Musician Lee. Lord Harrison said that they didn't know about these tweets before but I feel like that's COMPLETE bullshit. Like they didn't look into all the dudes' social media. Oh we just didn't scroll back as far as 2016... They wanted someone with the highest level of racism they could get away with on the show. Look at what this fucking piece of shit said. Highlights include calling Black Lives Matter a terrorist group and saying there's no such thing as a pretty feminist.
Back to my prison, this show...
Racist POS: "You're damn right I enjoy pissing him off. I have so much fun shit-talking on these nights." Racist POS interrupts Wrestler Kenny and Rachel, making it seem like he wanted to talk to Kenny. Kenny asks for 60 seconds.
Racist POS stands to the side, finger-counting down sixteen seconds.
Wrestler Kenny makes a hilarious disapproving face to camera when Racist POS boots him out, due to this being Lee's second chat with Rachel: “Don't like that shit!”
Dean: "I think Lee's a fucking moron... I just think Lee’s kind of a bitch." This made me like Dean SO much.
Meanwhile, Racist POS sucks up to Rachel by showing her how he used his deceased grandfather's knife to carve the word "Enchanted" into a block of wood super shittily.
Racist POS: "I'm here to pull Rachel's heartstrings, and I'm gonna have to cut 30 heartstrings to pull hers."
Dean calls Lee racist to camera: "The only people that I've seen Lee pick fights with have not been the people that uh, he's not used to seeing on a daily basis from a cultural perspective."
Producer: "What do you mean?"
Dean: "You know exactly what I mean when I say that... The longer Lee sticks around the more everyone will become aware of his intolerance."
Wrestler Kenny tells the guys what happened.
Colombian Bryan meanwhile tells Rachel he doesn't see anything anymore except her: "I want you to be vulnerable with me."
Bryan: "Rachel is beautiful, smart, personality-wise is amazing."
Rachel: "You are so charming it scares me... It’s scaring me that it’s too good to be true."
Bryan: "This is a fairy tale... It’s 1000% real... You’re my future." Bryan reminds me so much of aggressive psychopath Josh from Andi's season and BIP III.
Wrestler Kenny confronts Racist POS who says: "Get to it."
Kenny: "You took advantage of our 'friendship' to get more time with Rachel."
Racist POS: "Why would you ever think that?"
Dean: "I hope Kenny punches Lee in the face."
Rachel is with Firefighter Bryce and they hear yelling. Rachel: "This is really happening?"
Racist POS to Kenny: "I just wanted to talk to her real quick."
Lee says: "I gotta do what I've gotta do and sometime's that's gonna make me look like the bad guy. But I get tickled when I smile and an angry man gets angrier."
Kenny: "You fucking tapped me Lee! I thought that you were my friend and you continuously prove that you are not."
Racist POS to camera: "Kenny, you’re fucking going home."
Racist POS to Model Brady: "Number one way you can piss someone off is you just laugh at them and make a fool out of them... It’s not going to put a tear in my beer at all."
Rachel gives us one of the most intense moments yet: "You don't understand the pressures that are going to come with all of this... The pressures that I feel about being a black woman and what that is... I get pressured from so many different ways being in this position and I did not want to get into all of this tonight. I already know what people are gonna say about me and judge me for the decisions that I'm making. And I'm gonna be the one who has to deal with that and nobody else... You have no idea what it's like to be in this position."
Producer: "I don't at all."
Lord Harrison steps in: "We're all here to help you."
Lord Harrison tells the dudes the cocktail party is cut short. Rachel looks stunning. How the fuck is Doll Guy still here? Will, Dean, Hot Peter, The Tickler, Doll Guy, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack Stone, Iggy, Wrestler, and POS Racist get roses.
Racist POS to camera: "Kenny's a big ol' meathead... I wanted to break him down." OK this makes me feel like the producers are evil not warning Rachel. But I guess if you purposefully put a racist dude on The Bachelorette, you're not going to tell her.
I can’t believe Diggy is going home. Bye Firefighter Bryce and Model Brady. Diggy is crying aw.
They head to South Carolina...
They didn’t even show the dudes screaming about traveling?! They ride in on golf carts.
A MILF playing golf waves seductively at them.
New location, new Rachel balcony chant.
One-on-One with Deanie
Dean wants to "show her [he's] more than just a smiley guy."
They drink champagne on a car and then go on a blimp.
Dean is terrified but then Rachel's loving comforts him.
The blimp flies past the guys' hotel room. The guys describe how they think Rachel is into Dean but that he’s too young.
Jack Stone gets the next one-on-one. My friend: “That’s going to be an execution.”
Racist POS to himself: "That's bullshit."
Racist POS to Jack Stone: "There's no shame in going home on a one-on-one."
Josiah: "Lee's an instigator. He's very passive aggressive. He's a little snake who loves to mess with peoples' heads."
Racist POS: "I want to win, and so I'm gonna do what I gotta do, even if it's hurting peoples' feelings." Lee doesn’t have a sliver of interest in Rachel. Lee is new Bentley from Ashley's season.
Later that night at cocktails...
Dean and Rachel bond over not being able to do anything because they came from religious families.
Then Dean reveals that his Mom died of breast cancer and then his family kind of fell apart after that. He tells Rachel she's the first person he's talked to about this??
Rachel says he's the "kind of person [she] wants to be around. That's the kind of partner [she] wants in life." Rachel gives Dean rose and they go dancing.
Dean: "I can feel myself falling in love with her. And it feels really good"
Booze Cruise Group Date
Rachel: "I really hope they leave the drama at home."
The guys go dancing on a booze cruise and Rachel tells them to take their shirts off.
Josiah does push ups with Rachel on his back.
Kenny raps. Next Hot Peter raps. Yikes.
They get off the love boat. Rachel: "I’ve tested their dancing and stripping skills and now I’m going to test their cerebral skills." It's the Bachelor Nation spelling bee.
Lee: "I did not see that coming." Eric was hoping for a wet t-shirt contest. Josiah: "My vocabulary is such on another level."
Adam Junior is in the crowd.
Hot Peter is intimidated by the bee: "Jonathan's a doctor. Anthony's like, a secret genius. Will reads like six books a day."
Lord Harrison emcees: "The word is squirt."
Eric spells Façade in the craziest way.
Lord Harrison: "So some of this can get kind of NC-17. Girls, put your earmuffs on for this one." The three twelve-year-old girl judges put actual earmuffs on for this bit.
Hot Peter has no fucking clue how to spell coitus. Ugh.
Will and Josiah are the top two. Josiah uses his turn to do sultry standup. Lord Harrison: “He’s like a late night DJ.”
Iggy continues to say random combinations of words that no one gives a shit about: "Josiah's just annoying. I don't know if there's like, a more or less annoying Josiah."
Josiah spells Polyamorous right to win.
Josiah makes out with the trophy for too long.
Cocktails later that night...
Josiah drinks from his trophy.
While some dudes have yet to kiss her (Tickler, Iggy, etc.), Rachel and Hot Peter are already talking about moving in together. Rachel reveals to him that she's licensed to practice in Wisconsin, his home state.
Iggy to Rachel: "How you doing sweetie?"
Then he launches into shit-talking Josiah: "We identify people that we see on a regular basis that we don't necessarily feel the same connection with... he’s covering up his insecurities with false bravado. He’s almost a pariah in the group... I’m like, weirdly protective over you."
Iggy then immediately tells Josiah what he did. Josiah: "Why the fuck all y'all talking about me bro?"
Iggy: “There are multiple examples.”
Eric: "You're continuing to be in the sauce of the mixing pot."
Josiah to camera: "With all due respect, Iggy’s a bitch. Instead of focusing on his lame self, his whack self. I'm not even trying to be funny but I'm surprised he's still in the house. He’s the lamest dude in the house. He does drugs. He shoots steroids in his nuts. He confessed to all of us."
Josiah: "He tries to make it into a positive. 'I ain't gonna lie to you, Josiah. I just talked mad shit to Rachel'... He thinks by disclosing his rattish, snitching behavior that somehow justifies or nullifies what the hell he just said to Rachel."
Racist POS tries to explain to Rachel why Wrestler Kenny was yelling at him. He says that his own overflowing positivity somehow is misread by people as disingenuous.
Racist POS: "He screamed at me." Rachel: "Just for interrupting?"
Racist POS: "Yes ma'am. That was it... (making rat face) I love the guy but that came out and confused me and I didn’t talk at all."
Racist POS to camera: "I don’t give a fuck about Kenny and I’m going to enjoy my time with Rachel. And I’m gonna smile. It is what it is."
Racist POS to Rachel: "There’s a side of him that came out that night that was very aggressive toward me and I can't explain it."
Racist POS: "He’s a ticking time bomb... He’s a 220 pound fucking ballerina... I'm gonna find joy in smiling and crumbling his miserable world. Pray for Kenny."
Wrestler Kenny raps at Rachel again and then she asks him about the argument.
Kenny: "I felt like Lee was trying to use our friendship. Like, he was giving me so much shade. I feel like he was baiting me." Rachel asks why, if they made up, Lee told her tonight he was aggressive?
Kenny: "Because maybe Lee doesn't necessarily tell the truth."
Racist POS then tells two of the white dudes: "I can say something shitty about you guys any day of the week that irritates the shit out of me."
Hot Peter makes up more words: "He speaks in a way that I find to be very disingenuine..."
Kenny: "Her body language was very much like, in Lee’s corner... Lee is an alternative facts piece of garbage."
Wrestler Kenny: "If I go home, I’m going to feel fucked up about this entire process."
Kenny: "Aggression without action is talk... I was ten feet away from this guy... He’s a reptilian piece of garbage." Kenny calls Lee over for a chat. Eric to camera, ominously: "You swim in that dark, heavy water, man. You just might drown."
Upcoming Scenes: Lee and Kenny are on the two-on-one date. Kenny is bloody during the day.
Tag: Josiah, Will, and Kenny talk in British accents about GOT and it's adorable.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 3 (Air Date: 6/5/17)
Sorry this is late guys. I've been pretty sick, both physically and EMOTIONALLY with this news of BIP4 shutting down production due to "allegations of misconduct." It looks like there was a question of whether Corinne was too drunk to give consent in hot tub relations with DeMario. If this is true, it's the end of Bachelor in Paradise. And honestly, then what do we really have left?????? For real, someone please answer me in the comments.
Back to pre-Paradise DeMario, when he is only associated with the one scandal of repeatedly lying to Rachel about his ex-girlfriend/fling. He's changed into a suit and begs for her back: "I completely fucked up... give me a second chance... hopefully be on that panel tonight."
His Uber driver told him to go for it, saying: "Don't take no for an answer." This feels way darker now...
Rachel listens and then dumps him again.
Rachel, having for sure gotten rid of the LAST bad apple, returns to her party. The guys: "He's not coming back is he?" Rachel: "Fuck no."
Adam: "You can't pull the wool over her eyes."
I don't understand how the gimmicks are still going at Week 3. Do they give the guys some sort of crafting/props room? Tickler now has two giant, creepy hands: "I really have a HANDle on uh, what kind of guy she wants." GET IT?
Rachel: "Jonathan always manages to make me laugh."
Rachel: "Every time I sit down and talk to Alex he was completing this Rubik's cube."
Rachel mentions Kenny's layers again as he shows her pictures of him and his daughter.
Will continues to win over my heart: "I like to think that I won again tonight."
Now there's a small gay panic storyline between Whacokehead and Aspiring Blake.
Aspiring Blake: "This show is about, 'Do you want to find love?' But I can't tell her what to do."
Whacokehead: "I think he just doesn't like me." Rachel: "Why?" Whacokehead: "I don't know if like, Blake has a crush on me. He was, you know over my bed, you know, uh peeling a banana. And he was like, licking the banana like this."
Rachel: "Is this a joke?"
Rachel asks Aspirer about eating a banana suggestively over Whacokehead while he sleeps.
Aspiring Blake refutes the least damaging aspect of this first: "Well, one of those is for sure not true because I don't eat carbs."
Aspirer: "The more I talk about it, the more it sounds like I'm bitter and I'm the crazy one."
Rachel sends both dipshits home. Whacokehead to Aspirer: "Sad day. Sad day in paradise." They both live in LA so I can only assume he somehow thought he'd already gotten to Bachelor in Paradise.
Aspiring Blake on his way out the door: "It's just unfortunate that I was in the same category as that drama."
Aspiring Blake: "The fact that I'm going home with the clown...--" Brief shot of the said clown drinking a water bottle.
Aspirer: "He ruined it for the both of us. We live in the same town. I can't get away from him." You know how when you live in the same tiny town of Los Angeles and can't avoid one person...
Whacokehead: "I don't give a shit about Blake! He's just a workout dietician!" Presumably he's asked if he's learned anything: "At this point I will take nothing with me."
Aspiring Blake now crashes Whacokehead's interview. He makes like he's going to hit him and taps him on the shoulder.
Aspiring Blake: "I just want to say, fuck you, bro. You're a piece of shit. You're here for the wrong reasons. I got drug into your bullshit and it kills me." Whacokehead: "Why am I here?" Aspirer: "You're here to be on fucking TV. Because you are a wannabe comedian. You're a washed up joke. I would've had a real shot at getting to know Rachel but you were too busy Whabooming!"
Whacokehead: "The thing is like, it's not about winning. It's about the world, brother. And you have no idea what the world needs."
Aspirer continues to make no fucking sense: "You're the Whaboom clown. I'm the nice gentleman."
Whacokehead: "Go back to your protein shakes. Go back to your steroids."
Aspirer: "Just go back to your fucking garbage clown life, dude."
Whacokehead: "I'm a clown! Because I can be funny! You don't even know what funny looks like!"
Aspirer makes monkey gestures and then fart gestures: "Whaboom is like, 'Wocka, wocka, pie in the face, wocka wocka, honk, honk, fart joke.'"
This idiot-off keeps going, presumably until this very day. We cut back to the house the next morning. Lord Harrison announces the first group date is going on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. The guys jump for joy.
Ellen DeGeneres Group Date
Rachel: "Ellen is my spirit animal." Ugh, fuck that's an annoying sentence.
Rachel describes the guys to Ellen as they go through metal detectors, "This guy tickled me coming out of the limo." Ellen: "I don't like that. That's a horrible thing. Why is he still here?"
Ellen takes revenge for all of us.
Ellen brings the guys on stage and asks if anyone has kissed Rachel. Tickler: "I just want to know when my turn is." Jesus Christ.
Chiropractor Bryan, the fu----uuuucking creep, grabs the microphone from Ellen, "She's a great kisser." Will: "I second that." Bryan: "He got my sloppy seconds." This disgusts me. He reminds me a lot of Psycho Josh from Andi's season and BIPIII.
Before Ellen can even finish her request for the guys to take their shirts off and dance in the audience, Russian Alex is nude.
Ellen: "Tickle guy does not dance well."
Ellen then has the guys play Never Have I Ever. Who's thought about having sex with Rachel?
Who's peed in the pool? Only Russian Alex.
Will: "I probably won't be going in moving forward. There's not enough chlorine in the world to kill that."
Who's texted a nude selfie?
Who's hooked up with someone twice their age? Just Frederick, which reinforces Rachel's conception that he's a cougar-hunter.
Frederick is annoyed that Rachel brings up him being a bad child again: "It's just, like, that was such a long time ago, OK?"
Rachel tells Russian Alex how much she loves his professional strip-dancing.
Alex loves how she looks in the correct eye for trustworthiness.
Will: "Never have I ever made out with Will." Rachel: "You are smooth!"
Meanwhile, Frederick couldn't be building up his kiss more: "I've been waiting twenty years to kiss her for like, 20 years, man. I'm not a boy anymore." Fred to Rachel: "I just wanna ask, you know, is this the time that you feel that I can k-kiss you?"
Frederick finally goes for it. He sees himself in a tuxedo and "her in a wedding gown."
Rachel is not into it: "I still see a boy. It was like a little boy was kissing me." She tells him she can't reciprocate the feelings.
Frederick is devastated.
They take the most awkward elevator ride ever. WHY did she bring the group date rose with her to dump him?
Russian Alex gets the group date rose.
Back at the Mansion...
Eric is starting to freak out that he's more into Rachel than she is into him: "I'm vulnerable as shit right now."
He tells this to Colombian Bryan who agrees but then in his confessional he says, "She has absolutely no problem opening up."
Anthony's One-on-One Horse Date
For Rachel's date with Anthony, they ride horses down Rodeo drive.
Anthony is immediately way too into the horse aspect and quickly leaves Rachel behind.
They take the horses into stores and delight in picking up some cowboy hats and tacky jackets that say "Beverly Hills Chic" on them... Anthony also immediately goes for the bright red cowboy boots...
They get a horse cupcake from a cupcake vending machine. This date feels like the fever dream of some producer who was like IT'S PRETTY WOMAN + CITY BOY + DALLAS = GOLD. DON'T OVERTHINK IT.
Next Rachel rides Anthony. Coincidentally, he also shits himself.
They finish the date probably where they shot La La Land. Anthony talks about how his childhood was quaint but they were "rich in love" and how he just wants to give back.
He gets the rose and they dance to a jazz quartet.
Back at the mansion...
Eric continues to discuss with the dudes how he's not sure if Rachel is being real and ready for how "emotionally available" he is right now. Iggy: "I'd been hearing Eric's insecurities all day and finally I decided to interject."
Iggy interjects: "That's bullshit."
Eric: "No one asked for your-- for your input."
Mud Group Date
Rachel brings in a group of women from her season that she calls "my girls" six hundred thousand times.
The group gets on a party bus and they make the Firefighter dance on the pole.
Kenny volunteers himself next and works it. Rachel: "You've been in Vegas way too long."
Raven asks Firefighter and Angry Musician Lee who isn't there for the right reasons. They both say Eric.
The group arrives at a bar with a Texas flag, a sandbox filled with mud, and fifty screaming women wearing jewel tones.
Lil Deanie is horrified.
A mud wrestling date in tiny shorts is genius. Rachel can figure out who's closeted. Statistically in a Bachelorette season it's around 40-90%.
Dolphin Alexis: "I hope they're wearing Speedos." IF BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS CANCELLED AND THIS IS ALL WE HAVE OF HER. I CAN'T.
The men do push ups to prepare.
Someone has changed Adam Junior's clothes and leaned him on a post.
Model Brady emerges looking like he's a robot who's just gained enough sentience to kill start killing people.
Rachel's girls are loving it.
Firefighter says: "I'm in my element."
As people do in the background on any date, women from the crowd scream things like, "Let me see your junk!" and "Let me see that butt!"
A haunting woman rings a bell to start the first fight.
Wrestler Kenny is forced to perform his job for free.
Rachel's girls wear protective jackets.
The post-mud interviews are horrifying.
Wrestler Kenny somehow loses at his one job to Firefighter.
Rachel's girls discuss while the guys hose down outside. Tiffany Trump likes Adam but Jazz likes Dean. Raven passes along her red flag information about Eric.
Later at cocktails...
Wrestler Kenny reveals to Rachel that he used to be a Chippendales dancer and shows her his moves.
Adam asks what Rachel wants in a man in one word. Rachel: "Secure."
Red Flag Eric: "I've been running from my feelings my whole life."
Rachel: "Twice you were mentioned."
Red Flag flags the group down: People "feel my motives are not real."
Musician Lee defends himself: "Have you or have you not experienced love?"
Eric thinks Firefighter is genuine and Musician Lee is not. Musician Lee: "Last night I walked in and you were screaming."
Eric: "Are you afraid of me?" Eric's confessional: "Lee has a lot of snake in his blood."
This isn't resolved and Red Flag gets the group date rose: "It validated a lot for me that night."
Russian Alex smartly saved his heinous purple zebra stripe suit for a cocktail party where he already had a rose.
Iggy dishes to Rachel about how he bravely defended her honor to Red Flag Eric.
Iggy then tells Eric what he did. Iggy continues to talk to everyone like he's in the middle of a business meeting: "I think your opportunities for growth are to listen a little more."
Lee: "I'm gonna like, throw him under the bus and I'll feel good about doing it.."
Lee's confessional: "This is the shit-talking night." Lee tells Rachel he heard Eric screaming at Iggy last night.
Rachel then asks Eric about him questioning her.
Eric gathers up the boys for a chat: "All this week, my name is in everybody's mouth... If I fail let that be for me, not for you." Firefighter: "Everyone's going to talk shit. That's just the nature of this game right here." Lee gives Eric a creepy wink.
Eric: "I feel like, maybe I'm a threat to you guys. Cos my name is in your mouth!"
TO BE CONTINUED
So far they haven't really discussed race. It's been hinted at-- Lord Harrison calling Rachel's season "special." But next week looks like we get into it!