I was waiting for a day in this timeline when there wasn't some fresh horror but looks like that's not happening sooooo...
Everything is terrible but at least Bachelor Nation gets to see the Gang travel to Vegas. Flat-Earther/Floor-Pooper/Assault-Batterer Lincoln immediately assaults a pillow in their hotel room. I really don't know which unforgivable descriptor to give him. Colton gets first date.
Omfg they go somewhere called Virgin River to ride camels. Bex is already phoning in the metaphor intros: "Let's get over the humps of our past relationships!"
They have a boring date and Colton "confesses" he got dumped once by his only love. I wonder if this was the gymnast. She was like I'm an Olympic gold-medalist and you're a beige paint swatch, something's not lining up. The producers light up a building that says "KISS HER!" which also happens to randomly face the guys' hotel room windows to let them soak in their jealousy. He gets the rose.
Group Singing Date
Becca wears lingerie to greet the guys. I feel like her clothes don’t fit her personality... They go to Wayne Newton's house. He's a claymation person. He sings to his wife in front of everyone. This is so fucking weird. His eyelids don’t close at the same time.
Back at the Hotel...
Oh god Chicken's eye is still red. Chicken keeps trying to make fun of Model re: his underwear. Model tells him he doesn't care about his underwear. Chicken starts to dip into his favorite thing, gay panic: "I’m starting to get a little weirded out by you saying this." I'm starting to get a little weirded out by my own theory that Chicken is an Incel. Model summarizes his own goal to us: "Delivering my story."
Back on the Group Date...
Claymation Newton makes the guys go separate places in his weird zoo to think of love lyrics for Bex. Shocker, now they have to perform it in front of a live Vegas audience.
They’ve lit the women in the audience so weird. Holy god Venmo Dude is terrible. Ron Pearlman Chris gets more audience participation and thinks he's won the fucking Olympics of life. Ron Pearlman: "I dropped the mic." Ugh he suuuucks.
Back at the hotel... Colton warns Chicken and Model who can't stop bickering: "You both are going to fall out that mountain."
Later at cocktails at a closed hockey rink for some reason...
Leo asks Bex about her work out plan. She makes out with Blake a lot. Bex: "I’m falling in love with Blake."
Bex apologizes that she didn't get to talk to everyone and Blake gets group date rose. Ron Pearlman Chris is PISSED. And drunk. And mad. He starts threatening to leave and says Bex will miss an "opportunity for real fucking love." Where is it tho? Did I miss something that's aired on this show??
Model Vs. Chicken
They're in the desert for no other reason than to replicate the deserting imagery from the most famous 2 on 1, Ashley CrI vs. the Widow of Sanderson Poe. Model: "Chicken's already taking the backseat literally and figuratively." I’m surprised he knows these words.
He seems like he’s about to cry as he tattles harder than he's ever tattled. Chicken thinks he literally just needs to make Model look worse than him: "Jordan talks about models he wants to hook up with... he’s settling when he talks about you."
Bex asks him about settling thing. Model tells sob story: "I come from nothing." And look where he is now! Bex takes time to think about this lose-lose situation while Model threatens to shove his foot up Chicken's "fucking ass."
Bex comes back and dumps Chicken Incel. She doesn’t say bye to him and they drive off.
Back at the Hotel, the guys react. Colton understands this game: Chicken "had the wrong attitude."
Chicken: "She chose a fuckboy clown over a guy with a big heart." Shoulda gone with the sob story chicken...
Back on the Date...
Model only talks about himself and blows it. Bex talks about how she loves "Church on Sunday..." Model shoots off some last gems: "Obviously the gym is a lot... Zoolander is extremely accurate... I wish we could get my portfolio." Bex sends him home and it appears to be his first rejection of his life. This is probably good for Model's character development.
Model: "I’m happy I’m at least a better man than David." K nevermind. The lady’s smug face as she takes Model’s bag away is worth this whole show.
People are gossipping about Ron Pearlman Chris: "If someone pushes his buttons I think he’ll blow up." Right where bach wants everyone. MAGArrett: "Obviously that comment didn’t go up to plan." Someone else: "She wants someone who’s emotionally stable."
Ron Pearlman complains to Bex about time. She says he should've talked to her. Ron Pearlman is disheartened: "I saw the look on her eyes it was disgust." Ron Pearlman then STEALS BEX FROM ONLY HOPE WILLS. Wills resists. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a moment like this last this long. Becca should fucking say something BUT I GUESS OLD GENDER ROLES STILL APPLY. Wills gives Ron Pearlman a minute and then grabs Bex back. Only Hope Wills is a pro and switches subject quickly back to them. He leaves and says to Ron Pearlman: "What’s up baby?" I am deeply attracted to Wills rn.
Ron Pearlman bitches some more. Wills: "I didn't have to get up at all."
The rest of the guys start fighting. Wills jumps up to leave. He’s playing this perfectly. Let these four implode on each other. Why don’t they speak in phrases that exist?? Someone: "Then that’s so be it." Lord Harrison ends cocktail party.
Bex sends home Nice Venmo Man and keeps Unstable Ron Pearlman, Floor-Pooper Lincoln, and even that one 25-yr-old dude who threw that picture frame into the pool.
SEE Y'ALL TONIGHT FOR MORE OF THIS NONSENSE!!!
This fucking show. We're just watching a kind, boring woman navigate all the hidden land mines in Trash-Man-Minesweeper. Which week will she uncover Pepe MAGArrett? And which week will she Carmen Sandiego out Lincoln, the Flat Earther/Floor-Pooper who's been convicted of assault/battery? Feeling a little weird we're all riding out the Apocalypse watching this achingly slow train wreck/study in human misery w/ misogynistic dating stereotypes from the 50's and pretending conversations about anything other than journeys/love exist but I guess it's kind of fitting. In case you need any more proof that we are in the End Times: Ashley CrI posted an IG video where you have to CLICK ON AN AD TO SEE HER ENGAGEMENT RING. Anyway.
Blake tells Bex he wants five fucking kids. Jesus schrist. If he now leaned into her lap and yelled "YOU READY FOR THAT?" he'd still be in the top half of this group.
Model says that he talks to god every night and that god smites people for him sometimes. Cool. Why not.
Producers make Becca give Model golden underwear to trigger Model's megalomania. They time it at the exact same time as the Chicken who fell off his roost comes home.
Chicken has lame af conversation with Bex: "Bottom bunk from now on!" You were bed-ridden for days and this is the best opener you could come up with?? Chicken: "When you called, it brought such a smile to me my face. That’s what kept me going." Better keep giving me roses so I don't give up on life hahahhHAHA I'M JOKING BUT HAHA SERIOUSLY YOU BETTER KEEP ME TEE HEE HEE!!!
Model reiterates how some people are saying he’s the best looking guy in the house. Model: Chicken's "face looks like a time warp. Picasso--the clock's over here, the beach is over here."
Chicken enjoys both his pain-killers and "the fact that [Model] gets to see me continuing and maybe he’s not-- that makes me feel good... I may not have a model face but I have a rose, bitch!"
It remains unaddressed that the blonde dude Nick is shirtless in a sweatsuit wearing two giant golden cross necklaces for this. Bex sends home Banjo and Manbun. They head to Park City.
Magarrett's BOBsledding Date
Bex: "He’s the perfect guy for kicking it off in a new city!" Isn't it fun how she doesn't know yet that he's liked shit like this on Instagram but they try on fun hats together?!!
The worst shit I've liked on Instagram is all of Britney Spears's posts of her terrible, childlike paintings but I guess we've all got our click outlet, right?
Back at the Cabin...
Lincoln reveals to the guys that he's also a Flat Earther! Is this somehow why he poops on toilet paper mountains???
Back on the Date...
Bex is into Pepe: "I feel like when he smiles it takes up his entire face."
BAHAHA THEY MAKE MAGARRETT MEET A BOB-SLEDDING LESBIAN COUPLE. MAGArrett hears this and covers: "Awesome, wow, that’s great!"
They bobsled. MAGArrett: "My heart was pounding for two reasons. 1: Becca. 2: The adrenaline."
Later at drinks...
Bex's confessional: "Today was a 10... I trust him... He gets me."
Bex to MAGArrett: "You remind me of my Dad." Oh NO.
MAGArrett reveals that he was married for two months and then divorced. He says he got confused because he thought the woman was really "into adventure" and then she became "very emotionally abusive." SUS.
OMFG WHAT COMES NEXT: MAGARETT:
I was embarrassed because no one in my entire bloodline had ever been divorced before.
Have you ever even thought the words 'my bloodline' before??? I think we have a “Big” situation going on. He's a lil homophobic racist child playing in an adult fisherman's body. They are then forced to perform the classic Bachelor ritual of dance at a concert in front of hundreds of female strangers.
Bex gives him roze: "I’m in trouble." Oh hon. More than you know. You didn't even bat a fucking eyelash at him using the words "my bloodline."
My Big Fat Axe Date
Bex: "I'm looking for the Lumberjack to my Lumberjill." MAGArrett: Um I think it was LumberAdam and LumberEVE.
Model: "David looks horrible." Chicken says a bunch of homophobic bullshit about Model: "He's really, reaaaaaaaally good with nail polish." Smite away, Model.
They do a bunch of lumberjack activities and Bex sketchily says when she was younger she had crushes not on teen heart throbs like Leo but on lumberjacks??? How? Saying you're going to the mall but skipping to go into the forest?
Leo: "I’ve been hoping for the day the men are separated from the boys." Venmo John wins the golden axe though which means nothing.
LATER AT DRINKS...
Jason gives off major used car salesman vibes. Colton and Bex fight. Bex: "No I'm lucky!" Colton: "No I’m lucky!" No I mean, actually, you're never going to get lucky!
Model reveals his golden underwear for Bex. There's no black box as we get a full on taint shot of him. He immediately dances into the other room to taint-taunt the guys. Colton takes his forever blue balls out on Model and yells at him: "You’re walking around in golden fucking undies!" You're walking around in golden fucking undies screaming, 'I have sex and you don't Colton, you Lame-O Loser' and I want it to stop!!! IF COLT-DAWG CAN'T TAKE HIS PANTS OFF NO ONE CAN-ARGHHMLAKSHDFO;UASEHF!!!!
Colton calls Model a pussy? Meanwhile Jean Blanc awkwardly gives Bex a bottle of perfume that says Becca Blanc... Bex: "Jean is just a lot."
JB's confessional: "I’m grabbing life by the -----!" Pussy? Balls? Unclear. JB: "I’m truly falling for you and I’m falling in love with you and I’m just putting it out there." What? I think he skipped ahead in the handbook. The FOLLOWING week is where it's already appropriate to say you're falling in love silly!!
Bex: "It’s just intense and I don’t know if I’m on that same page." Bex walks JB out and he tries to get the perfume bottle back! JB: "I thought that’s what you wanted to hear." Is there any element of society now that does not involve gaslighting? Bex: "I wish you the best!" She tells the dudes she’s really upset and disrespected. The next morning, Bex is still pissed in a sweater.
One-on-One Date with Wills
Bex is already crying over JB's weird exit. It's Wills’s first time walking in the snow and he looks like a baby deer.
I can't tell if I'm SUPER into Wills or he's just alongside some of the worst men out there. Wills relays a story of his ex-love asking him for a hall pass before breaking up with him. Bex can relate because she was basically Eerie's month-long hall pass with LB.
This is so fucking boring. Talk about Trump!!
Wills gets rose! He refers to it as maybe the best day of his life.
Eww Chicken's eyeball's red. Bex sends home Golden-Cross Nick and Globetrotter Christon. Christon gives the most mature response anyone’s given leaving this show ever.
Meanwhile, Model is super butthurt he’s been picked last and vows to transform from "Captain Underpants to Captain-Just took everyone’s girl." How am I going to stay awake during this season after Model's sent home on the two-on-one with Chicken next week??? No spoilers, just taking a pathetically-well-educated guess.