By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 7 (Air Date: 6/24/19)
THE GUYS GO TO LATVIAN HOTEL ROOm
So the guys go to their Latvian Hotel Room even though supposedly they were all in Latvia in last week's episode? We're overlapping with last week's fucking terrible episode? Hama: "I feel like I'm in a fairy tale movie." She prays in a Latvian Church. Jesus. Christ. They do the traditional yelling off the balcony.
There's a knock for a date card. The guys slap their thighs in anticipation. It's GolfGar. I just found out GolfGar is a racist MAGA so he's the new MAGArrett now. They're all named Garrett-- coincidence?!
MAGArrett BUNJEE ONE-ON-ON
They huju. They see two people bungee jump naked off a cable car. Hama: "They're naked. Does that help somehow?... What I didn't know was Lativan people bungee jump naked." THE PRODUCERS HAVE DONE IT AGAIN! Yes my child, all Latvian people bungee jump naked in snowstorms so you should too. And all Latvian people also keep Shower Jesus through Hometowns. Can't go against local tradition! Hama: "I swear on my life I didn't know bodies were going to fall out of there. My Mom might kill me. Fuck it. When in Latvia do it the Latvian way." It's snowing. What a fucking nightmare. Hama's screaming in the cable car: "Oh my freak!" She takes her bra off and they jump.
MAGArrett: "Come here you beautiful woman!" They make out. Hama primal screams. Now they get to picnic in their bathrobes along the dirty, icy river. Omfg the producers threw her bra into the river.
Later at Drinks...
MAGArrett: "I want to give a cheers to all the wonderful sights in Latvia." Hama describes her first Latvian penis: "Oh boy that is a real dingdong!" MAGArrett describes their date as: "when you're pressed against a wall." He plays a series of escalating PTC's: his fear of heights and then that he was forced to play football before discovering his true love of golf. He's been through a lot. Hama can relate, since she's done everything everyone has told her to do since she was a child.
MAGArrett: "I'm falling in love for you." She gives him rose.
Hama: "Garrett feels like home." He's white? He has a Southern accent? He wants to take away my right to control my own body?? Now they make out in front of a cellist.
MAGArrett goes back to the hotel and tells the boyz what happened. Shower Jesus hilariously thinks he's lying:" Who would want to go bungee jumping naked with that guy?" He lies constantly and assumes everyone else does as well.
SHOPS GROUPS DATE
They do shots of moonshine. Dustin is still here and eats a fish head to try to stand out. Tyler gets Hama flowers and Aspiring Musician with a secret girlfriend side-eyes him. AspMus corners her. Mike: "Can we get back to our group date please?"
Hama tells the guys about the naked bungee jumpers. Shower Jesus is shocked: "Is this like when you're an official couple kind of thing?" Shower Jesus's confessional: "I'm shocked. Just the sheer fact. I mean. This is a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I totally thought that was crossing the line. Like her body is her temple. To expose it to anyone who isn't her husband..." They end the day date by praying in a circle in a church. THIS IS PROPOGANDA AND I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!! Anyway.
Later at Drinks...
Tyler grabs Hama, picking up on the subtle fact she's super religious: "You looked heaven sent. You looked like an angel. I pray to god that you're my angel... Where did this fighter come from because I adore it." She rewards this with a couch mount. Then she gets her first of this ep's FOUR concerts from Aspiring Musician. Meanwhile, the boys discuss the flying ding dongs. Tyler: "I love and respect that she went for it. She's living Riga to the fullest." Shower Jesus grumpily sips his wine.
Shower Jesus and Hama
SJ: "There's definitely a big thing I want to share with you. You're not going to like this... Have you ever been cheated on? Stomach twisted? I had that feeling. Garrett starting blurting out a bunch of stuff about what happened with you guys on the one-on-one... it was hard for me to receive... I'm just thinking in my mind, it really pissed me off." Love what he's doing here. Throws MAGArrett under the bus and makes it like MAGArrett gave crazy locker room talk details on her titties. Hama starts crying and vaguely says she wanted the experience.
Shower Jesus says he'll be there for her: "Even if you make a bone-headed mistake and do something completely out of your character." We don't get to see her reaction.
The non-slut-shaming Tyler gets the group date rose.
PILOT PETER ONE-ON-ONE LATVIAN SPA DATE
Hama: "He's the guy you want to see pushing the stroller in a park." They get flower crowns from this weird couple at a sauna who tell them: "You never will be the same as you were before." Hama has to be naked again. The couple sings once they put on bathrobes.
They all sit in the sauna and talk about their intentions. As soon as the couple leaves Pilot Pete presses Hama's chest and pins her down. There's a tight insert shot following Pilot Pete's hand as it goes up Hama's body.
Hama: "Our physical connection is a ten out of ten." They continue to wet dry hump in the sauna. The date gets progressively less sexy. Now they get in a cold sauna outside in a bucket. Pilot Pete tells Hama he likes her. Hama: "You have to know that I'm actually crazy." Pilot Pete: "Crazy keeps it fun." It's so shocking he's had his heart viciously ripped apart with this kinda attitude!!!
Omg there's a creepy fucking commercial for a horror movie with Vile Nick Viall and Eric Bigger. Vile looks kinda fucked up. He's set an all-time record for screentime and is now an actor in commercials, 99% of which directly make fun of him being a loser. @bachelorclues: "gotta get those scraps!"
Later at Drinks
Pilot Pete: "I draw my strength from what I do. You can't fail. You have lives in your hands." Now he demonstrates an expert use of walls describing his past heartbreak: "It was very serious... It wasnât meant to be... It has been difficult to me to truly open up 100% and take those guards down... I'm not going to lie it's scary with you... Honest to god I've never felt so strongly for someone so quickly. I am really falling for you." I've had walls and you've already torn them down. Then he ends in a flourish and says something in Spanish. Boom. Rose.
Pilot P: "I am so high right now on cloud 9." THIS IS WHY HE'S A PILOT. CHASING THAT HIGH ON CLOUD 9.
Aspiring Musician Knock Knock
Aspiring Musician plays his Mr. Right song on the street outside Hama's balcony. He's fully lit up by the crew. Hama's not. Hama: "If that's not out of a romance novel, I don't know what is." Yes, the dream is when your boyfriend who secretly has another girlfriend who also already admitted to going on this show in order to promote his music career has forced the production team to light him for his thousandth musical performance this week.
Now AspMus is on Hama's bed PLAYING ANOTHER FUCKING SONG. We're forced to listen to an entire AspMus concert. She tries to talk to him but he's like no I have a couple more songs in this set. She rewards him with a straddle. The guitar had a folded towel on it and the producers took it off so it frame them in the shot of them making out. Feels important. Aspiring Musician: "Can I tell you something?I really and truly mean this... I really am falling in love with you."
Back at the Boys' Room
Two terrible people, MAGArrett and Shower Jesus, get into it. Shower Jesus: "I did express to her that it pissed me off. The way you explained it to us was a lack of respect for Hannah... That was coming out of your lane. But when I'm driving in my lane and see you metaphorically speaking and see something that concerns me... I wanted more details... This canât come up at rose ceremony. Can you promise me that this isn't going to go into tomorrow's rose ceremony." MAGAr: "Why should I promise you?" Shower Jesus: "I sleep right here. I'm trying to get some sleep. Do me a favor and excuse yourself." MAGArrett: "Sweet dreams Luke."
The next day... Hama pulls Shower Jesus from the hotel room.
Hama and Shower Jesus
Hama's thought about their argument and has formulated some very weakly connected thoughts. Hama: "The issues were the language you used to describe why you were upset... We all make bone-headed mistakes... It wasn't a sexual thing it wasn't. Even if it was, at this point it doesn't matter. Because you're not my husband. You don't own my body you don't own me it's my body."
SJ: "I started speaking my mind on things I already assumed... I have full trust in you and you will make the right decisions... I'm in a hallway I don't want to see through that wall... I am never going to control you. I will never tell you what you can and can't do with your body... bone-headed play-- I was referring to in the future. You're twisting my words... Let me touch on that too... I wasn't even talking about the bungee jumping."
Hama: "It was in that same breadth."
SJ: "I didn't mean that... I was totally misunderstood." He continues to gaslight her.
SJ: "I'm sorry I was misunderstood but I didn't question your character... I don't know if you totally remember it." I'm sorry YOU misunderstood me and also were you black out?
H: "I want a man who doesn't take me screaming in your face for you to finally be like this. This process doesn't work if you're not yourself 100,000%. I need to know it's real and it's all the time. Like why is it so hard with us?"
SJ: "It's completely my fault that we've gotten here... it will be worth it if you just please keep fighting." HE SUCCESSFULLY GASLIGHTS HER AGAIN JFC. Shower Jesus goes back to the dudes.
THE LANES AND THE BIG DOG EXPLOSION
Now the boys fight. SJ: "I'll say it first because I know you're going to ask... What Hannah and I just talked about is something completely between me and Hanna and Iâm not going to talk to you guys about it."
Tyler: "Are you blaming him for talking about his date?" SJ points at everyone and tells them to stay in their lanes: "You. Stay in your lane. You you you. Keep doing you." Tyler does an SJ impression: "keep puffing up your chest. Stay in your lane! Trying to be a big dog." SJ: "He thinks I'm getting in his lane." Mike: "You were looking out the window." SJ: "You heard my analogy?" Someone: "Don't text and drive."
AspMus, who hasn't disclosed his Knock Knock or his girlfriend at home: "If you fuck up another cocktail thing I'm going to be really fucking pissed." Right on cue, Lord H comes in: "She's a little emotional. There's not going to be a cocktail party tonight." Straight to Rose. Everyone: "three in a row, Luke."
Hama: "I really do think my husband in this room."
Aspiring Musician's eyes go in different directions? @bachelorclues: "yeah one's on her and one's on his Instagram number. Roses for Aspiring Musician Jed, Mike, Connor, and Shower Jesus. Hama: "There's goodness inside of you and I can see that." ???????!?!?!??AWDFASHPDIF;hasndlfk???
The Double D's are gone. Dustin: "She's already in love with him. If she wasn't he would've already been gone."
Lord H: "What do you like about him?"
Hama: "I'm either falling in love with Luke or Luke is making me go crazy."