Guys I've got some hot new content for ya! Co-hosting a new podcast called "Game of Roses" with @bachelorclues. Praise be Lord Harrison.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 6 (Air Date: 6/17/19)
We're back during the most dragged out date of all time: Hama and Shower Jesus. Hama: "I can't give you this rose." Shower Jesus: "I'm very confused right now."
Hama: "It took me raising my voice to get you to like be anything you are." They say a bunch of nonsense. Shower Jesus is crying? Shower Jesus: "I screwed up. My bad." Lol. Hama: "Giving you a rose tonight it doesn't make sense." Shower Jesus: "Does this mean I go home tonight?" Hama: "Yes and I want you to respect that." They hug goodbye. He leaves and wanders through the forest.
âShower Jesus decides oh wait actually he doesn't respect her and he comes back. He says THE EXACT SAME SHIT TO HER: "This is my fault and I'm sorry... I didn't know what emotions I was having... there were multiple times I felt like stopping you." Hama: "Scream!" Shower Jesus: "Can I stand over here for one second? I want to yell. I want to move mountains for you. I can't stand this... I thought you were going to put a rose on my coat." This is so fucking creepy. He shouts nonsense from four feet away.
Shower Jesus: "I get how I feel now." Even though I told you I was falling in love with you on the first date... "I genuinely want to marry you... Nothing matters to me right now except you. And that's seriously what I want." Hama: "I don't know." He's making her feel like this is way different from his behavior during the day and it's absolutely not.â
Shower Jesus Returns to Hotel
Shower Jesus: "Wassup boys? She told me this was the worst one-on-one... I didn't get a rose but Hannah says she still wants me to be here. I'm going into the rose ceremony with you guys." Golf Garrett: "The only way I see you staying here is bringing up anybody else... I don't trust you." SJ: "I didn't do it." Mike: "It's absurd we have to continue to do this another day. It makes my blood boil." Golf Garrett: "Just be a man about it dude." TOXIC MASCULINITY RUN AMOCK. *Disclaimer: I did mix up Golf Garrett and Aspiring Musician Jed several times this ep and refuse to put in the effort necessary to fix this.
Hama's confessional: "If he continues with small moments where he really did show himself... then that man will receive a rose every time... if by tomorrow he goes back to the weird, robotic Luke that I have no connection with, then he won't get a rose." In other words, he has the absolute lowest bar possible.
The Next Day...
Shower Jesus goes to church. They play Titanic music. He prays at the altar.
Did Shower Jesus get his eyebrows done? He looks crazier. Hama walks in and waits for them to all catcall her. Hama: "I've talked about my faith being important to me... Yesterday the Lord placed a verse on my heart... Don't focus on the seen but on the unseen. I want to know what's hard to share." She prepared a Bible quote just for this cocktail party speech. Jesus fucking Christ. GET ME OUT OF WATCHING THIS SHOW, LORD. The guys all go along with it because Instagram.
Hama: "Cheers to continuing on in our relationships and being comfortable in sharing the uncomfortable." She's literally telling them all to play their PTC's tonight.
Golf Garrett gives a horrible joke to Hama about how he normally only wears kilts on certain days of the week. YOU SPENT TWO DAYS STARING AT A HOTEL CEILING AND THIS IS ALL U GOT. GolfGar: "I told him to keep everyone's name out of it... did he stay true to his word?" Hama: "He did say Mike's name but I feel like I provoked it a lot in that moment... He did say Devin and Dylan." She's been completely gaslit and now thinks she provoked Shower Jesus to mention them all.
Golf Garrett's confessional: "I know Luke P's a liar and Luke P's not going to change." He confronts Shower Jesus: "I asked you if anyone's names come out. She said Mike and Dylan and Devin." The two D's put their arms around each other's shoulders in an obnoxiously aggressive display to gang up on Shower Jesus. One of the D's: "What'd you say buddy?"
Shower Jesus: "I didn't say anything about your character." Golf Garrett: "Nobody believes you. Hama eavesdrops, drinking heavily.
She storms in: "Stop! I'm so frustrated about there always being fights in the house and its pissing me off... I'm aware of some of the shit he's done. I'm aware that you don't like him. K?" This is a shitshow.
Shower Jesus: "I just manned up." Hama gestures to him to stop talking. âThis is her only likable moment in all of this.
Garrett: "I'll admit I was petty. I contributed to all of this." Shower Jesus takes this as an individual apology to him: "I personally appreciate your apology." Garrett glares at him. Lord Harrison comforts a grieving Hama. Lord H: "Whats wrong?" Hama: "Everything." They have an hour-long hug and he gaslights her about the guys fighting: "It's because they're crazy about you!"
Golf Garrett and Shower Jesus get back into it. Hama chugs the rest of her drink: "I came into today wanting to open up and now I don't." Boo hoo.
Hama: "Luke you need to stop making excuses. Own up to the things that you have flaws about... I'm a grown ass woman. I can decide if I want to spend my time figuring this out." She's so fucking annoying here. Hama: "Everyone thinks it's Luke that makes me feel irritated and psycho now. It's all of you... None of you know anything about me... Nobody's even asked. All we do is talk about stupid shit... I don't want to talk to anybody. At this point I'm really defeated from all of you."
Hama: "Stay in your freaking lane because I'm tired of hearing screaming."
Hama leaves and goes drinking in a closet. She tells Lord H the party is over.
Roses for the two tall -ER names: Chill Connor, Tall Tyler, Dustin, Pilot Pete, Dylan of the Double D's (Dylan and Devin), Golf Garrett, and Shower Jesus. Goodbye to half the Floaters: Bye Devin, bye Unemployed Grant and bye Kevin. Kevin has a great parting shot: "She's not seeing that he's the issue. He likes to win. No matter the cost. And the cost right now is Hannah's happiness. And sanity probably." Hama to the guys: "I'm just so mad... goodnight." No toast to their last night in Scotland. @bachelorclues: "sending 'em to bed without supper."
They go to Riga, Latvia
The players wander the streets and point at buildings. They all cheers beers to Latvia. Garrett: "I hope I never see Hannah that upset ever again."
Lord Harrison Latvian One-on-One
Lord Harrison stages a lunchtime intervention. Lord H: "Are you still hopeful?" Hama: "I'm trying... why do I have to try so hard?" Lord H: "feels heavy." Hama: "I feel very weighted down." She starts crying.
Hama sobs looking at ceiling and then veiled talks about banging: "ummm... I feel like I'm kind of flailing... I don't want to give everything away." Lord H: "I feel like you're fighting it a little bit." Hama: "I have given it to people that I thought were going to be my husband... I don't know how this works for people.
After the Mid-Season Roze???
âNow we are IMPRISONED FOR THE LAST HOUR OF THE SHOW. They're back in the mansion, doing a mid-season clip show/recapping the entire season including THIS VERY EPISODE AND SHIT WE JUST WATCHED. WHY. They're recapping LAST WEEK. NOW THIS EPISODE. Between this and all the long "scenes from later this episode"-- does she quit? They seem to be in lack of filler. They do bloopers?? Omfg we watch another Halotop commercial. Is this season blowing up? We watch Jonathan go in for a kiss where theres clearly no consent. Lord H offers his hot take on consent: "Read the body language boys. If you don't know then don't go." Hama has named her zit Marcus and then later calls the guy with the girlfriend that she hated Marcus.
Upcoming scenes: Shower Jesus: "The marriage bed should be kept pure." Cool. Why is Hama continuously wearing the worst earrings of all times.
I FEEL FUCKING TRICKED.