By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 9 (Air Date: 7/24/17)
The Final Three are in Rachel's hometown of Dallas. She gives a speech about how her sister is super pregnant so the show can't fly out the family somewhere cool. The show can't go on without her pregnant sister's bizarre husband who is super into race so, NEW GROUND. They will meet the parents before Fantasy Suites. I wonder how the white brother-in-law will respond to having seeing Bachelor Nation’s reaction to him. Maybe he’ll have slicked back hair and suddenly be jacked. Maybe he will double-down on his schtick and go, "I see you are a white, I see you are a black, I see you are a Latino, etc." Fingers crossed!!!
Bryan-of-Olga is not prepared for this change in the gameplay. Bryan: "We're gonna meet her family, which is huge. I thought we were all gonna be separated from this point moving forward after Hometowns."
Hot Peter Meets the Family
Rachel takes Hot Peter shopping for baby clothes for his future nephew. I'm going to be so annoyed if this doesn't work out.
Meanwhile, back at the Hotel...
Eric and Bryan-of-Olga shit-talk Hot Peter. Bryan: "He supposedly told her on their one-on-one in Geneva that he may not even ask for her hand in marriage even if she picks him."
Eric: “He said that?! What is his protocol of being here?”
Back on the Date...
Hot Peter tells Rachel that what he said on their last date was "not what I meant to say."
Rachel plays dumb, "What do you mean?"
Hot Peter: "I am falling in love with you."
The change-up the white brother-in-law makes is he now has glasses. He does not even MENTION Peter's race, which is quite disappointing.
Rachel's Dad can't be there because he's a federal judge but she says her Mom will ask the tough questions and she does. Peter tells the family his Dad asked his Mom to get married after a month and that he blacked out when he met Rachel.
Rachel talks with her pregnant sister Constance who reminds her that she was "excited with Nick last time too."
White brother-in-law sits down with Hot Peter and asks Peter what Rachel's red flags are??? Bro-in-law: “She's not perfect. What kind of items do you see that are of, not necessarily concern-- but of note?”
Rachel's Mom also asks her about Peter's red flags. Rachel: "I don’t know if he’s going to want to propose at the end of this."
Hot Peter talks with Rachel’s Mom who gets to the red flags immediately: "Why would you want to propose to Rachel? What is it about her that would make you want to propose to her?"
Hot Peter: "I want to pursue a relationship with her... I want to wait until I know for certain that I want to propose to her." Rachel's Mom: "You’re playing with her heart and her feelings."
COPPER’S PLAYING WITH THE KIDS!!! Every cut to Adam Junior this season should have been replaced with a clip of Copper tbh... Also every cut to Adam...
Rachel's cousin tries to get the kid to "say winner".
Rachel says bye to Hot Peter and he poses with his finger on his lips.
Eric Meets the Family
They go to the tall ball/Reunion Tower of Dallas and Rachel points out the Federal building where her Dad works. Rachel: "Are you shaking?" Eric: "I’m not shaking." Rachel: "Are you scared?" Eric: "I’m not scared no more."
Back at the Hotel...
Hot Peter and Bryan chat about Eric. Bryan continues to refer to this as a video game where you need to check off certain levels: “Hopefully he does get the blessing but, you never know, it’s really an unknown. Did you ask that of Rachel’s family?"
Hot Peter: "No. I just wanted the approval. Can I continue to date your daughter?"
Bryan-of-Olga: "I’m hoping to show the family how much chemistry we have and get the blessing."
Hot Peter: "What’s awkward is having to sit here with her boyfriend while her other boyfriend is at home meeting her family. I don’t want to be sitting with you right now."
Back on the Date...
Rachel's family tell Eric that they liked his first impression dance.
Eric tells them he's all about generic life ideas like "family love, family bond" and that he hasn't brought a girl home since Prom.
Rachel's sister: "When was your last relationship since you never brought anyone home?
Eric: "2015. I dated a girl for 8 months. But she prepared me."
Rachel's sister: "Were you in love with the girl of 8 months?" Eric: "I wasn’t." Rachel's sister: "So you’ve never been in love?"
Rachel's Cousin: "He’s really sweet and very sincere." Rachel: "That’s the same thing you said about Peter... I think Eric is great. The only reason I feel hesitation/red flags, he’s never been in love..." Cousin: "He’s not a fairytale person. He’s very real."
Eric tells Rachel’s Mom, "It’s a privilege to be in your presence."
Eric then asks her permission to propose and Rachel's Mom gives a very lawyerly answer: "At this point, if Rachel decided you two were going to take that journey which could lead to marriage, I feel confident with that. Wherever that leads, I trust her."
Bryan-of-Olga Meets the Family
Rachel picks up Bryan and they're both wearing their matching watches to shove it in Peter and Eric's faces that they didn't get any free merch yet.
Bryan-of-Olga re: Rachel's family: "I’ll show them who I am and I think they will definitely be impressed."
Hot Peter calls Bryan’s cheeks fake: "In Miami there’s a lot of fake asses, tits, fake cheeks... I'm not the biggest fan of Bryan."
Bryan meets Rachel’s friends who signed her up for the show. They can see his "confidence" and Rachel tells them she first "thought he was a douchebag."
Bryan-of-Olga: "I think I really won them over and it was a success." Rachel tells him he's going to meet her uncle Jeff who's an anesthesiologist.
Bryan-of-Olga: "I’m expecting I’ll make a good first impression with them like I did with the friends."
Bryan of Olga meets Rachel's family who she will never be allowed to spend time with if she picks Bryan. He tells them, "I love my Mother dearly. She's the number one woman in my life."
Bryan: "I want to love the same woman over and over again. Start a family. Build a legacy."
Rachel's Mom is not down with this douchebaggery nonsense and starts going in on Bryan: "When your wife and your mother bump heads, where does the loyalty lie?... Where's the priority?"
Rachel's pissed her family hasn't had their pants charmed off yet. Rachel: "He said loyalty's with the wife!!!"
Rachel's Mom is awesome: "Rachel was not happy with the questions... That goes along with her asking us to assess these guys." Bryan-of-Olga: "From Day 1, I thought she’s my girlfriend." Constance: "She was your girlfriend after like, a week?"
Bryan: "Her genuineness brought it out of me."
Constance's confessional: "I don't think there's the sincerity factor in it." Boom.
Byran runs away to avoiding answering questions.
Bro-in-law mansplains to Rachel: "You're approaching it from an emotional perspective."
Rachel's Mom: "You are in a bubble. We are outside the bubble." Rachel: "He handled himself very well." He literally ran away.
Bryan-of-Olga tells Constance he loves their family. Constance: "It's been an hour and a half."
Rachel takes Top Three to Spain to bang out.
Rachel gazes at an old bell. Bryan-of-Olga wears a deep V and plays soccer with some street children.
Hot Peter walks down a different alley that's also filled with children including a child bride.
Eric's Fantasy Suite Date
Eric is manic/on uppers again. He screams at Rachel when he sees her: "We out here!!!!!!" It should also be noted that he still purrs at her.
Eric: "I always say one-on-one, full of fun. Rich Rach, Big E. It’s our time again."
Eric says he needs to "release" his "I love you."
Later at Dinner…
Rachel grills Eric about his feelings. Eric: "I feel amazing. From Week 1 to now, it’s so surreal. I’ve had so many moments in this journey. The helicopter ride, kissing you. Just being in the moment with you... The hot tub... The eye contact, the chemistry."
Rachel: "Physical chemistry or emotional chemistry?"
Finally, Eric tells her, "I’m in love with you. And I tried to run, week 3, week 4... Naw E, that’s not happening no more... Rachel Lindsay, I love you." Rachel gives him the Fantasy Suite Card and he reads it so slowly that I have flashbacks to his painful performance in the spelling bee. They go bang out. We see a tousled bed the next morning.
Hot Peter's Fantasy Suite Date
A wine seller explainsto them: "The vineyard was built on love. " Then the wine seller sings a Spanish song to Rachel's face and tells Peter to "kiss her with embellishments".
They tell each other they’re balances for each other and Rachel tries to ask Peter about him not wanting to get engaged. SUDDENLY, YET ANOTHER CHILD wanders into frame.
The child drags them to a bucket of grapes and they start stepping on it with the kid’s dad? They make out. Peter’s hand on dat ass.
Later at Drinks...
Peter: "To many firsts. Rachel brings up Peter’s stance on proposals: "If we really want this then somebody’s gotta bend." Peter: "My belief in engagement is that engagement is marriage... I don’t know where to go from here to be honest."
Rachel starts crying. Rachel: "For the first time, I'm thinking Peter and I may not work out.
AND WE'RE ENDING MID-HOT-PETER'S-FANTASY-SUITE-DATE?!?! What kind of blue balls bullshit is this??? Not ending on a Rose Ceremony?! Do they think we're some sort of all-over-the-place plebs?! There's going to be three guys left in the Finale?? I'm fine, guys... Everything is fine...
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 8 (Air Date: 7/17/17)
It's arguably the best week of the Bachelorette journey: Hometowns. And three of the final four have huge, fucked up issues with their families. What a wonderful gift from Lord Harrison for Bachelor Nation!
Eric's Hometown in Baltimore
Rachel's first family visit is with Eric. He shows her the good parts of Baltimore but he says, "this is not the realness of where Eric comes from."
But where is the realness? Eric drives her to the other part of town, pointing out his favorite landmarks such as people selling drugs, to the basketball court he grew up playing on.
Eric's cousin joins them and backs up Eric's story of how he studied and avoided the bad temptations growing up. Cuz: "This whole frame right here is looking right."
They both sit on basketballs and discuss being back on "this court that made you."
With his family, Eric says, "just be Rachel." I think I mistook Eric being so infatuated with Rachel as him being drunk on his one-on-one. He is going to get CRU-USHED... Look at this face...
For someone who harped on how he raised himself, there are a LOT of family members at this visit.
Eric's Aunt is awesome and grills Rachel on the "R-A-C-E word" and how difficult it is being the first black Bachelorette.
Rachel explains how she has a lot of pressure on her and her choices from different groups, but "love doesn't have a color."
Eric talks to the Mom that he said doesn’t love him and she's fun: "Have you prepared yourself if it was to go the other way?"
Eric: "Life is hard. What doesn't hurt?"
Eric's Mom tells him that she didn't like how a lot of guys lean on their Moms so that's why she didn't support him. Eric's Mom: "That was my best way of showing you love."
Eric's Dad stares 1000 yards into his parental failings, located in the sofa.
Eric tells Rachel he loves her in a bizarre way: "I was like, 'Damn, I really love this girl.' And what I mean by that is I really care about you like, a lot. Like, I care about your well-being." Rachel misinterprets this as him not fully saying I love you.
Bryan's Hometown in Miami
Rachel: "Miami just screams Bryan. It's hot. It's steamy. There's something sexy about it. Sometimes it speaks to you in Spanish."
Bryan wants to show her the "Real Miami" so he takes her to play dominos with some elderly locals that he doesn't know in a place he's clearly never been before.
They lose badly at dominos because this is something Bryan's never done before. He calls the real Miami "Worldwide" because he's Pitbull with hair.
They go dancing with a bunch of other men in red.
Bryan feeds Rachel arepas and considers eating her.
Bryan tells Rachel how this is a big moment for his Mom because he's her only son.
They discuss how his last breakup was caused because of the ex not getting along with the Mom. Bryan says it in a super cool way: "It was not on [my family] but more on the other person."
He tries to skirt by this gigantic red flag with another creepy Bryanism: "I'm kind of obsessed to see you smile."
We finally meet the family of this prize. Bryan's Mom, Olga, is in love with him. Olga: "Bryan's my life. He's my love, he's my pride."
Olga gulps up her drink meeting Rachel, and Bachelor Nation flashes back to Jojo's Mom meeting Unlovable Ben.
Olga asks Bryan what he sees in Rachel and he says, "She's beautiful inside and out, personality."
Olga is a maniac and I love it. Olga: "You have gone out with SO many girls, and you go to a show and you fall in love with the girl of the show? I'm in shock. You have had the opportunity to meet so many girls and you haven't found yours." Bryan: "I feel like it's destiny."
Olga makes her first of several threats against Rachel: "She knows that if she messes with the mother, that's not good. That's not being smart. Because of course, mother is mother. We are blood."
Rachel talks to his sister? I thought he was only child. Maybe his Dad's kid? Rachel brings up red flag: "she really didn't get along with the family?" Sister figure says a normal sentence: "Nope. And that was her demise."
Sister figure repeats AGAIN that it was this girl's "demise."
Next, Olga threatens Rachel to her face! Olga: "Bryan is my life... You are marrying the family too... Because some women want him only for themselves... If not, I will kill you."
Olga admits Rachel has trustworthy eyes but she's still skeptical, "'cause he's my love of my life."
Is Olga's love reciprocated? Maybe not. Bryan is outside telling Rachel he loves her and Rachel makes this face which makes me worried he's going to win.
Rachel: "I am letting myself feel all the feels." SHE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE TRICKED BY LYIN BRYAN'S CHEEK IMPLANTS. UGH.
Hot Peter's Wisconsin Hometown
Next, Rachel visits Hot Peter in Wisconsin.
Hot Peter shows her a typical day in his life, going to the farmers market and eating honey from a man in a honeycomb hat while fifty strangers watch over his shoulder.
Hot Peter then does something super weird. He brings Rachel to the bar he had his bon Bachelorette voyage party, which he treats as if it was some sort of super important ceremony. He then springs his friends upon Rachel, two pairs of interracial couples, to "see if she can fit seamlessly into that group."
Rachel reveals something Peter said offscreen which is even weirder: "I have ten really close friends. 8 out of 10 are black." Peter's friend: "Did he pull out his card too, from his wallet?" Rachel says she asked how many were black women and he says none. So, this is the lunch to prove that he's not racist?
His friend reiterates his point: "Peter's a pretty like, accepting dude. He treats everybody the same." Hot Peter, as he's starting to seem less hot: "Can I steal the gentlemen for a little guy time?"
During Guy Time, Hot Peter searches for outside approval of Rachel: "She fits in well?... But I don't know her on a daily basis. To wake up next to this person and I'm still feeling these feels for this person, right?" Ugh.
Hot Peter: "The idea is three weeks from today I should be able to get down on one knee and propose to her. And it's fucking terrifying."
Peter's friends are a lot chiller than him and know Rachel's the shit: "Don't fuck it up."
Rachel meets Peter's family...
Peter holds his niece and tells his parents about how he "accidentally grabbed Rachel's butt."
My friend points out Peter's sister is the Wisconsin Julia Stiles.
Peter's sister says Peter is ready for this but then Rachel asks Peter's Mom. She says, "Not necessarily." He's ready for "a commitment but not a proposal."
Peter does NOT tell Rachel he loves her, only that he is happy. Peter: "I'm afraid that this maybe be one of the last times I see her."
Dean's Hometown in Aspen
Dean wears maroon tights for this date. Maybe the apple doesn't fall too far from the eccentric tree.
Rachel: "Dean is what I like to refer to as my beautiful surprise." They go dirtbiking or whatever this dirt activity is called.
Dean explains his eccentric father to Rachel, saying that he has become a Sihk and wants to be called Parumrup, which means "divinely beautiful." His new wife is called Santantar.
Rachel: "Why haven’t you talked to your Dad in two years?"
Dean: "Is it my responsibility to talk to my Dad?"
Rachel: "Have you ever said you weren’t here for me? Maybe you should tell him he wasn't."
Dean: "This is going to be awful."
Rachel: "I’m going to be right here."
Rachel meets Dean's family...
My friend aptly nicknames Parumrup, Gong Dad. Gong Dad: "We’re waiting for King Dean to show up." Dean, FREAKED: "Where’s the table at? Why are we all on the floor?"
Gong Dad makes everyone lie down and listen to the gong.
It should be noted that Dean's brother is also super hot.
Gong Dad gives Rachel and Dean feathers to represent his late wife and Rachel loves it.
They eat a "mung bean" dinner on the floor and Dean throws shade: "I wish I didn't eat before I came here."
Gong Dad asks to talk to Dean alone and so everyone else leaves the room?
Gong Dad says Dean has changed, "This is not the same Dean I knew a year ago... You're talking from your male chakra." Dean drinks to deal.
Dean’s sister and Rachel sit on a swing and Dean's sister starts crying, "He’s been through a lot and been so strong. I’ve been really weak." Oof.
Gong Dad: "I must be a pretty great Dad because look at my son."
Dean: "Do you feel like you’re still fulfilling things as a father?"
Gong Dad: "I didn’t have the arguments. You did."
Gong Dad: "How could I understand your frustration?... It was horrible watching your mother die."
Dean: "I personally felt abandoned... Dad, I'm trying to work through this with you."
Gong Dad: "What is there to work through, Dean?" He tells him he didn't know how to be a mother. Dean: "So how is that a bold statement when it's true?!"
Gong Dad: "You’re still living there. You’ve still got one fucking foot stuck in the past!"
Gong Dad storms out and Rachel tries to talk to him. Gong Dad: "If you must. I’m really kind of done."
Rachel tries to connect with him as they sit by the fire, telling him about how Dean is her beautiful surprise. The yard is filled with a lot of weird backdrop paintings. Gong Dad: "I honor the whole thing." Then he notices the cameras and gets up, "No!"
Rachel checks on Dean, who is catatonic on the floor.
Gong Dad peers in window.
Dean: "I know that I'm falling in love with you." Rachel: "I'm falling in love with you too."
Rachel: "The only thing I’m sure of is I’m falling for four men. I can't imagine them not being part of my life."
Rachel chats with Lord Harrison and tells him how Bryan is the only one who said "I love you."
Rachel is a fucking gem. She's the first person to talk about how she feels guilty for being "so selfish" in this process and she starts crying. Ugh, she BETTER not end up with Bryan.
Rachel does that thing in the rose ceremony where she explains how she's sorry "to the person that I have to say goodbye to tonight" before that person even knows who he is.
Roses for Bryan, ERIC?!. For a second I think she's going to let go of Hot Peter over Dean. RACHEL LETS GO OF HER BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE!!!!!!!
She just made Dean go through hell though!! He is young, and clearly still working through some shit. Beautiful surprise: "I told you I was falling in love with you and you said the same thing."
Rachel: "I meant that."
Beautiful Surprise: "I just think that tonight, she made a mistake." Is Dean going to be the next Bachelor?!
Final Three is tonight!!!!!!!!