Bex travels to the dark lands of non-coastal California. Bex: "I just want to frolic through the trees with him."
MAGA calls around to the driver of the tractor: "Carlos, let's do it!" ARE THEY TROLLING US? MAGA makes his family's employee Carlos drive them on a tractor. MAGA to Bex: "Could you see yourself doing this?" Being dragged by Carlos through a field? Bex: MAGA'd "be a hot dad."
Bex: "He does remind me a bit of my dad." Uh oh. They plant flowers. Don't worry, Carlos will water those later.
MAGA describes the implosion of his relationship with his ex-wife: "It all started to change when we moved in together... She tried to take me away from my family... Our family values didn’t align." FAMILY VALUES. MAGA has a wrist tat that says Sinestu. Erika: "That’s how he remembers which hand is his left."
Bex meets MAGA's family and boy do they have a bloodline worthy of preserving! MAGA and his brother do a maybe white power hand gesture at each other. MAGA's sister pulls him first. MAGA: hanging with Bex has "been the most fun since I was a little kid and it was just family time!" What? She starts weeping. MAGA SIS: "I hated seeing someone to suck the life out of you." Is this the first sister cry?
Their whole family has a creepily close energy. MAGAMOM, the "mother bear" tells Bex she doesn't "want him going down that squirrel hole again." You know lil MAGA, always getting trapped in those squirrel holes! They sound like they’re talking about a small child.
MAGAMOM: "He has deep values and it’s hard to find. From what we hear about you you come from the same background." Wtf is this shit? Do people talk like this?? We LOVED hearing about your pure bloodline and that you come from the right sort of background. I WILL need your 23 and me test results before I can give you my blessing though.
Now MAGA gets his own parents' blessing to get engaged to Bex? Like a school field trip permission slip.
Bex is won over/tricked: "There’s just so much heart and love behind them." I DEF don't think MAGA would like memes on Instagram about throwing immigrant children back over the wall. Clear bloodlines, full hearts, can't lose!
Jason's Buffalo Hometown
They’re in Buffalo and everyone here seems super into Buffalo... Jason makes Bex enter a bro-y wing eating contest. I never realized Buffalo wings are named for this city. The crowd chants and forces them to kiss.
They’re go to a hockey rink. Jason: "You got cool hockey mom in your blood." It would be hilarious if he just nailed her with a slapshot. Jason reveals his parents met at Apple and I hope this means they are genius bar people.
Jason has his own Carlos who drives him and Bex around on his zamboni. The theme of these hometowns is annoyed middle-aged men driving the couples slowly around in circles for no reason.
Bex meets Jason's family. He tells the hilarious story of how he wiped celery on her and I feel myself aging. Jason tells his Mom "the whole time I have felt like I’m coming from behind." He thinks he's going to be the greasy underdog winner which has never happened on this show.
We meet Jason's brother and his husband! Is this a first? Jason says he's in love and they make him tell her. I'M BORED. WHERE'S GONG-DAD?!
They’re in Bailey, CO. Bex: "The feelings are reciprocated I just haven’t told him." They go to his high school ruh roh... this is always weird. He shows her his highschool football photo. Bex: "Blake makes me feel so young again." Yeah, can't put my finger on it. It's definitely not that he was psychologically frozen by various traumas in high school.
Omg the DARKNESS that comes out. Blake explains that his "senior year of high school there was a school shooting." Holy shit. A dude took six female students hostage and raped them at gunpoint and then killed one. WHY DID BLAKE TAKE BEX TO THE SITE OF THE TRAUMATIC MURDER??? Blake stares a million miles away: "You can let it affect you and let it ruin you." Yeah, you seem very unaffected by this...
But on another high school note to switch things up, Blake takes Bex into the gym where Betty Who is performing! You can tell it's an actual band because all the women don’t face Becca and Blake the whole time.
Bex meets Blake's family including stepdad Dean— is he the home wrecker? Blake's Mom is an actual muppet. She describes how Blake got dumped: "We cried together. To see that I might have to do this again is gut wrenching." Muppet Mom: "You were never going to love again!"
Blake: Yeah, but "I'm in love."
Blake talks with his stepdad who tells him to be cautious and remember his last dumping. Blake: "It was the worst-- I’ve never been lower and this would probably hurt more." Stepdad: "In reality you’re not going to be on fantasy dates." You're going to be doing press tours and making appearances on future seasons and selling face masks on Instagram. Real life stuff.
They discuss how Blake had panic attacks after his last girlfriend dumped him. Lucky for him, going on this program guarantees you won't end up humiliated and traumatized! Bex: "I can see him and his family in my life forever." Blake: "I love you Becca."
Colton takes Becca to see kids with special needs in Colorado and describes Bex as "having that motherly feel."
Colton tells her, "I haven’t brought a girl home ever... I’m very careful and selective... You don’t just get to meet my family." The internet IMMEDIATELY proved this was a lie:
They meet Colton's family. Colton: "My dad and I have a coach-player type relationship." Both his parents wear cross necklaces. Colton: well Dad, we're obviously so close that you know about the girl that I only did butt stuff with for one weekend. Dad: Did you address it? Colton: "I addressed it like a man." This is creepy.
Colton’s Dad says to Becca she should dump him if he’s not the one. Colton does more normal stuff like discussing his virginity with his mother. Colton tells Bex he loves her.
The Other BIP Ladies Return
Why are they bringing the girls in again? As an ad for BIP? Bex gets advice from the ladies. She describes Jason's family as similar to hers as "they dance and sing with their family a lot." Tia's back and she still has that stank look on her face.
Tia pulls Bex and basically says she was lying last time and she's in love with Colton and it makes her sick to know he's still here.
Colton asks Lord Harrison if he has to bone in the Fantasy Suite.
Bex sends Colton home supposedly not because of his virginity and not because of Tia. Colton reacts in a SUPER mature way: "After spending a day with kids?!" That is FUCKED to bring them into it. He's darkness. Goodbye Colton.
First things first, I was RIGHT. The whole episode WAS a shitty Virginia ad. They paid $536,000 in incentives. Only mildly surprised Bach paid so much for a shitty goth dance party and two off-brand president impersonators.
Anyway. The Gang goes to the Bahamas. Bex ponders at the end of a speedboat then has to have another fucking Lord Harrison interview. Lol Bex wants: "Number one, no drama." Lord Harrison asks if she's falling in love with anyone. Bex: "yaaaasheee!"
Someone: "Do you think Colton’s going to bring up his secret today?" Leo: "Who knows what she’s going to feel after that information?" Better or worse than finding out I did porn?
Bex has already been tricked though: "He’s this blonde god... He could pick me up and do whatever he wants to do." They do a virgin titanic on a boat and Colton tries to tell her about his sexless secret but another boat happens to interrupt at the same time. Producers can't blow their load too soon. A local named Action makes them dive for conchs and calls it Bahamas Viagra.
They make Bex say all these conch phrases: "He really knows how to work that conch." SCRIPTED PUNS DO NOT A PERSONALITY MAKE, BACH PRODUCERS. They chew worms. Bex: "I don’t think Colton and I need any aphrodisiacs."
Later at Drinks...
Bex: "He would have to drop a crazy bomb to not get a rose." Colton finally spews his load: "I spent a lot of time working on football Colton and I sort of forgot who personal life Colton was... Haven’t had many girlfriends or dates because of sports." Bex: "Really?"
Back at the Hotel...
MAGA: "There’s so many questions and so many skeletons in the closet... I definitely wouldn’t put a ring on that finger without knowing what I was getting into." Yeah, who KNOWS what might happen if you rashly put a ring on it.
Back on the Date...
Colton talks about how hard it was hiding his virginity on his high school/college football teams: "Growing up in a locker room environment wasn’t the easiest for me... I made up a lot of lies just to fit in... Why didn’t I stand up for the man I am? I’m not waiting for marriage I’m waiting for a heart... I want that to be a gift I give to someone." Worst gift ever.
I call bullshit. No one accidentally stays a virgin/doesn't get around to it, ESPECIALLY when they look like that.
Bex gives him the rose and says: "Perfect ending to a perfect day." THEN THEY BOTH SAY: "Amen amen!"
Blake's freaking out about not getting picked yet: "She has to know this is killing me."
Bex: "Screw the plane!"
MAGA: "She knows I love fun adventure." He's literally a 6-year-old. MAGA: "Last night was the most awkward return... [but] I don’t let things get me down."
MAGA: "The world's not perfect but I think we can be perfect together." She’s now searching for HIS virginity card by prying about his ex-wife. Bex tries to ask casually: "You’re never unhappy... I need depth... Have you dated since then? What other than adventure was there?" MAGA: "She would act out.”
Bex: "Maybe you like the idea of of this?" MAGA with a slow threat: "You’d get a sense." MAGA smart enough to know what to drop this week: "The way you’re fiddling with my shirt right now... I’m beginning to fall in love with you." Bex: "You just made my night." Fuck she must pick him. Bex: "Let’s meet your people."
They go dancing and Blake could not be trying harder to seem like a fun, playful dance man instead of a bundle of insecurity.
In deep talks at drinks, Bex reveals she sympathizes with Eerie now. Bex: "It's crazy." It’s also crazy how I fucked MAGA LITERALLY right over there.
Blake reveals that he got in his head and then tells the most INSANE story of his parents' divorce wherein his mother had an affair with his basketball coach/English teacher and never told the family until she'd moved out. Jesus Christ. To air that shit on national tv is what is actually crazy. He goes on about wanting openness in his new family and then drops the first L-bomb: "Becca I am in love with you." Bex: "You’re going to make my heart burst." He says it again to get the first two I love you's.
Bex has clearly immediately forgotten Blake's family story and gives him rose wanting to "see all the amazing people who raised you." He half smiles.
This is brutalllll. Softcore Porn Leo vs. One Hope Wills vs. Greasy Jason. Worse than two on one. Leo is trying to remain hopeful though he's "so different from this entire group of guys."
They make the group play volleyball because they know this creates drama. Leo tells her: "These other guys offer a lifestyle." And he immediately is dumped and left on an island but he waves which is cute.
One Hope Wills vs. Greasy Ron Pearlman
Getting some Dracula vibes from Jason. I literally can’t think of anything else than this dude's hair gel. Bex is like all their fucking therapists this date. She spends time with both and everyone knows this is just competing for 4th or 5th spot. Wills: "I’m hers in my opinion."
Do we know that was the order they had their time in? I think they switched it. Bex grabs rose. I can't even type it. She sends Wills home. For the greasy man. WHAT WHAT WHAT NOOOOOOOO. The internet is going to be in shambles. We see shadows of the scrambling camera people running. Jason tries to comfort Bex from his own false comfort that he has a chance at the end of this.
But don't worry guys. She still has diversity in her picks. One of the four white dudes left has blonde hair! Do they get computer access once they get to hometowns? Is that when she finds out about MAGA? SOMEONE TELL HER!!!! BYE.