By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 12 (Air Date: 7/29/19)
It's a live four-hour Superbowl Finale folks. We got the jewel-toned ladies thirsty for human misery sitting behind Lord Harrison to prove it.
It's so brutal to do Rose Ceremonies when there's this few people left-- I love it. Alabama Hama: "I have three amazing men standing in front of me." Nope. "This is hard for me because I'm not only breaking somebody else's heart I'm breaking my heart."
She dumps Pilot Pete. She blew up one mine! One remaining. @bachelorclues: "It was the rubber that I found in your car!" Hama cries to him and brings up her Barbies again and how they wanted a man like him. Pilot Pete: "You will always have a piece of my heart." Didn't you just say you loved her? Shouldn't that be your whole heart? She walks him out he cries in her arms. @bachelorclues: "He got there."
PP's Limo Exit Interview/Audition for Bachelor: "It hurts like a bitch. I will never forget this journey... I fell in love with her and I swear I don't regret anything. I know I have a ton of love to give and I thought it was Hannah." He nailed all the key points in his exit interview. 1) PRAISE THE PROCESS. 2) Express Victimhood. 3) Inadvertently still be there 4TRR. Also express closure-- doesn't blame Hannah.
Pilot Pete in Hot Seat
Lord H grills him on the breakup: "I can tell you were very much in love with Hannah... You were having trouble watching that. You turned your head away at times... I see the tears in your eyes." I'm trying to clockwork orange you Pilot Pete. Don't you DARE look away.
They're trying to make this public humiliation more OK by flying in his parents. His Mom starts crying. Lord H does NOT grill him about or even TOUCH ON the whole, dumping the ex-girlfriend to go on the show thing. Has Tyler transcended The Bachelor (Hot Peter from Rachel's season-style) and has refused to do it and their backup plan is PP???
Hama and PP in Hot Seat
Hama basically says he was too late with the "I love you." Hama: "It was very passionate." Everyone screams and cheers and even Pete's Mom is clapping. @bachelorclues: "The Mom is celebrating because her son can fuck." Hama reveals that she misspoke about the windmill, that it wasn't two times, "it was actually four times!" The crowd FUCKING LOSES IT for this "feminist icon." Lord Harrison stands up and salutes PP for his good dick. Lord H: " Peter's Dad's-- his chest just puffed up, 'That's my boy!' Somewhere Luke P's heart just exploded." One last shot at Shower Jesus to absolve the show of his aggressive misogyny.
Pilot Pete: "And Jesus still loves both of us. Amen." Jesus fucking Christ.
Tyler Meets Parents
It should be noted here that Tyler SHATTERED previous Bachelor contestant IG records for someone who hasn't gotten the Crown yet (been announced the next Bachelor or Bachelorette). He's captivated a nation. Bachelor nation. My research staff is telling me there's some goss about him and Gigi Hadid which would elevate this entire franchise. Not only can you go on to make a lucrative Instagram career for yourself, but date a super model? Technically, Wells Adams pioneered this strategy with Sarah Hyland.
We finally meet the Mom and Dad that forced their daughter into pageants and Jesus and into putting all men on the planet's needs above her own. Hama's Dad has an aggressive goattee. Her sister has gigantic cross earrings. Tracks.
Tyler fucking NAILS the parent interview: "You guys should be so proud of this girl-- the way she's conducted herself." She tells them Tyler did ballet and Hama's Mom demands that Hama show off her own pirouette on the spot. Still a prop child to Ma.
Hama's Mom: "In our family it's one and done." Even if you can't even communicate with your spouse and you hate their guts, you don't get divorced and remarried. ONE AND DONE.
Tyler to Hama's Controlling Father: "I want her to lead my family in faith." Aka the password to date Hannah.
Hama tells Tyler: "I know that I'm falling in love with you." Hama's confessional: "I've never been this excited about Tyler." WUT? HE'S PITCHED A PERFECT NO-HITTER WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HAVEN'T BEEN THAT EXCITED?
AspMus and Family
Aspiring Musician comes in after Tyler's 11/10 performance with this absolute clunker: "I'm a hugger." Hama's parents instantly start grilling him about his finances and he defends his "Dogfood Jingle."
Hama defends him to her parents: "He has qualities!" LOL. Her Mom: "Have you thought about the lifestyle? You should be loved how you deserve to be loved." AKA as my hottest daughter, you deserve to be showered in cash.
Hama's Controlling Dad makes fun of the Dogfood Jingle to Hama. Controller: "The man of the house still has his obligations too. He shouldn't depend on the woman--I'm not saying he would. As the man of my house I need to know what the man of your house is going to do." GROOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HOW IS THIS ON TV IN 2019????? I want to throw the television through the fucking wall. That goatee contains darkness.
Hama storms off by the sea. Jed tries to cheer her up. Hama: "Fuck me! This is why you don't date two people at the same time."
Tyler Day Date
They go horseback riding and talk about how her Dad loved him. Tyler's horse is the only character that's not completely obsessed with him.
Tyler Night Date
Hama talks about "Proposal Day." Presumptuous. Tyler: "I'm beside myself I'm so happy. These feelings I don't ever want to lose them... You make me the happiest I've ever been and I don't ever see them changing." No matter what supermodels have slid into my dm's.
Aspiring Musician's Boat Date
Hama gets seasick on a boat and says, "I don't know if I like all these rocky waters." It's a metaphor guys. Aspiring Musician is still reeling from defending his Dogfood Jingle: "Your Dad didn't believe in me. I was sad. It messed with my head." WE DON'T GET TO HEAR A SAD JINGLE ABOUT THIS THOUGH. HE'S BEEN CUT OFF AT THE BAR OF MUSIC.
Aspiring Musician's Night Date
Aspiring Musician tells Hama he's anxious and reassures her that he would've loved her even if he met her not on The Bachelorette. I SWEAR TO GOD, I would've lied to and cheated on my girlfriend the exact same way if I'd met you in a club! For real!
We get a To Be Continued because they OWN US and they keep showing us a clip of Hama emotionally freaking out and eating shit. She's so real. Bye.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 11 (Air Date: 7/22/19)
In order to repay us for the FUCKING CLIP SHOW they did mid-season, we get a bit of a real episode at the beginning of this. Shower Jesus goes back to crash the Rose Ceremony. He does a manic interview over sinister music in the limo on the way there: "Hannah thought there's no way I'd want to be with her anymore. She's sadly mistaken." He keeps vowing to give her clarity.
They intercut the women in the audience cheering on each of the Players, setting the narrative that there are teams, complete with #TeamPete shit in the crowd. AspMus's gross soul is leaking out in the form of a horrible suit. Hama chats with Lord H: "I have no regrets. I feel like fuck that guy. Not an ounce of me misses him."
Shower Jesus "sneaks in" and just stands in the line with the other three guys. Lord H knows he's there and doesn't warn Hama. Hama spots him: "I'm about to go psycho."
The guys get between Shower Jesus and Hama.
Shower Jesus to Hama: "I was 100% misunderstood. Never have I ever condemned or judged you. Look me in the eyes and tell me you have clarity." His last demand for clarity. Hama says she has it and moves up the rose pedestal to prove it. Yeah, that's right. She'll touch the holy objects.
Shower Jesus finally leaves. AspMus does a football celebration kick. Now Lord Harrison, bummed that Shower Jesus didn't propose, ridicules him for having a ring in his pocket to Hama. They fucking drove him to the damn ring store!!!!!! WE ARE ALL GASLIT.
Men Tell All
The cutesy shirts and signs in the crowd has increased to a ridiculous amount. There are several windmill shirts that say "Jesus Still Loves Me." Several WWJPJD shirts: what would John Paul Jones do. K. I LOVE VAGUELY RELIGIOUS CUTESY NOTHINGS.
Not going to lie, when Justice John Paul Stevens died recently I could NOT stop thinking about JPJ.
Shower Jesus in Hot Seat
Lord H: "What were you hoping for?" SJ: "Clarity or closure." Lord H asks why he didn't "recuse himself." In the same paragraph as saying he doesn't slut-shame Hama, Shower Jesus uses slut-shamey phrasing: "I don't get to see her straddle anyone... The night before I propose to her she's having sex." He also insinuates Hama told him he'd win at the beginning. He keeps taking these five minute pauses. SJ: "I'm thinking how I can explain." @bachelorclues: "He's putting together his lie."
SJ: "I'm sorry I'm getting choked up about it just thinking about it. I was arrogant on the show. Narcissist is pushing it a little far. I still love her. I still want what's best for her. I boldly say that. But I also boldly say that she's not my person."
Lord Harrison: "Do you feel you made any mistakes?"
Shower Jesus: "If I could go back I wouldn't change a thing."
I've never felt I live more in a Dystopia than during this Tia/Becca commercial for snack bars that will make sure your stomach growls don't interrupt your sexy moments. God forbid women aren't perfect bowel-less, sex objects 100% of the time.
Devon Storms out
Devon of the two DD floaters sprints out past security to confront SJ first and throw the first stone. Dev: "My blood has been boiling. There are two types of men. Men who want an independent woman. And men who want to control a woman... That's not a man." He makes a mistake in not cutting it down a Memeable phrase but he does make a splash in his red embroidered jacket. Lord H sends Devon away with a flick of his wrist. Be gone, thee of the second row.
Shower Jesus is gripping the sofa and the camera pans his tense arm. SJ: "The last thing I want and the last thing I'll ever do is control a woman. A man is supposed to lead and guide a woman in the relationship." Lord H: "This has been a fascinating chapter." Yes it has.
All the Boyz come out for SJ Roast
Now all the Players come out to pile on. Out of the second row, comes a hero. Grant, still unemployed, keeps swiveling around in his chair and does my PLAY OF THE GAME by chiming in with a Memeable moment: "When she says no she means no." And the Bach Twitter giffed it. I am amazing.
John Paul Jones gets big cheers. Please don't cast him Juan Pablo style. And then I realized they have the same name.
SJ: the FIMP Rose "puts a target on your back."
Big Mike: "Narcissistic, cantankerous, misogynist, I think your future wife is going to be a prisoner of you if you don't change." Why is Big Mike talking to Luke? This is my ERROR OF THE GAME. Big Mike, take a page out of Pilot Pete's book and pretend the drama literally doesn't exist.
Connor: "Honestly I wish I had said this earlier but fuck you man. You're a liar and a manipulator and are controlling and I honestly think you're a psychopath." I think he's not over his failed Knock Knock.
MAGArrett looks like he partied really hard and it didn't stop until 10 minutes before filming.
Someone I swear to God has never been on this show stands up for Shower Jesus: "I'm sure watching these episodes on TV and being humiliated is hard... He's already gotten the punishment for his actions."
Lord H: "Neither one of you was a Virgin... why was that such a sticking point there? Was there hypocrisy there?"
SJ: "Not at all. Think about what you're asking. There is something called: Secondary Virgin. Born Again." Lord H is like we're well-aware, we already had a Secondary Virgin as Bachelor.
Conor: "We all support you in changing after the show." He literally just said FUCK YOU LUKE.
JOHN PAUL JONES IS FIRST in Hot seat??
Lord H calls him a "fan favorite" and then references "I'm not sure you remember any of it." What? Was he stoned?
Our Bystander of the Week, a woman in a WWJPJD shirt that she's knotted up Britney Spears style, runs out of the audience with a pair of scissors and asks to cut a lock of JPJ's hair off. It's reminiscent of when that guy at Women Tell All showed Lace the tattoo he'd gotten of her face.
Lord H: "In honor of JPJ, I'm bringing out nuggets for everybody." THEY BRING OUT BRANDLESS NUGGETS?!?! Did Halo Top have an exclusivity agreement on food? They've already done a date in a McDonalds and these nugs are McDs. JPJ throws nugs into the crowd, wasting food.
Big Mike in Hot Seat
A woman holds a sign for #TeamMike They all look PA-made. We see him talk about his three queens. They are giving him Bachelor cut that's respectful and makes him the victim. He still doesn't even have as many followers as Shower Jesus though (319K to 330K). Tyler the Gram Creator is at 1M.
Hama in Hot Seat
The boys give her a Standing O. Hama tries to explain why she liked Shower Jesus: "A lot of that came from being really insecure about being the Bachelorette in the first place... There is this huge fear of what your intentions are."
Hama: "I wanted a man of god but then that was almost weaponized against me. In the end I was threatened by the shared faith that I have." To SJ: "Don't judge me about the fantasy suites. They're not used for sex. You didn't have one so you don't know... I'm so over being slut-shamed and like that makes me not a woman of faith... I sin every day. That's what Grace is for. And I'm also not going to say me having sex in a windmill was the scarlet letter on my chest. You're not going to make me feel that way."
Luke just got up and left. He said something to her she was pissed right before it. SHOW US THE FOOTAGE!!!!
HAMA AND HER EXES
Hama gives a good answer for how dumb she was: "a lot of women have been in toxic relationships. Me being able to remember my worth and figure that out for myself can help somebody that's in that now see the signs of it."
Bloopers: JPJ saying "Yas queen" a bunch... Lord H saying various things are already paid for.
Hama: "I have one thing I want to say." Lord H: "It's your show." Hama turns directly to camera, to Bachelor Nation: "I'm sorry for this whole thing with Luke and him being on our television screens for so long... It's my fault." She gives a comedic apology. "God bless the USA. Roll Tide!" I thought she was going to do a PSA about domestic abuse.
BIP looks fucking amazing and Demi is my MVP of this episode.
Lord H closes us out by referring vaguely to "a lot of rumors out there." IS THIS ABOUT JED OR ABOUT MIKE FLEISS'S DOMESTIC ABUSE????
Love you guys. Praise Be Lord Harrison.