By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 9 (Air Date: 3/04/19)
Guys. Last night's episode was perfect. The human misery element was so, so strong. We all watch this show because traumatizing psychological experiments are now illegal under today's law unless they take the form of reality tv shows, right? Just checking.
We start Fantasy Suites Week with a father-son sex talk between Lord Harrison and Dolton. Dolton reiterates that there's no plan here: "I don't have a perfect plan." Again, just to be clear, even though he's really religious he's not waiting for marriage. He just wants to go out of Virginity with a bang, Almost Famous style (cool threesome). Lord Harrison: "This is going to change your life forever." I've never been more convinced than during this episode that Dolton is living out some sort of "Big" Situation (child trapped in adult body). There's the way he talks to Lord Harrison (adults with ties). The way he talks to the adult women (adults with boobs).
Dolton goes back to the Top Three Players, who are panicking in their moment going off script of the show. They haven't gotten their Cheers Trophy right after Rose Ceremony. Dolton comforts them: "I had to talk to Chris, sorry." He barely gets out a slow speech about going where "the mountains meet the ocean... Portugal."
They go to Portugal
We see flashbacks of all three one-month relationships with a black misty effect on the border of the screen to show that actual emotional progress has happened on this show, and we're not just watching a series of nonsense. Then we get Wistful Pondering Shots of each of the Top Three in Portugal. Nothing else can powerfully state how much they are looking forward to getting in on that Virginal D this week. Side note, this show is bad for women.
Day Date with Phlebotemist Tayshia
Tayshia's forced to say through gritted teeth that she's excited that they're going to experience his "first together" and that she "can't wait." Neither she nor Dolton nor Bach Nashe believe her.
Dolton: "We're going to a place where it's known to be magical!" They get in a helicopter and have to repeat a conversation that must be scripted because there's no way Dolton knows the word "export". Dolton: "What is Portugal's biggest export?" Tayshia: "They do olive oil." Dolton: "Extra virgin though." Good God. They go along with this charade because we all must.
They sit outside a beautiful lighthouse castle and make some confusing weird jokes about Dolton's pants being too tight/his leg cramping. Dolton: "It's probably because I'm a Virgin." ????? Tayshia: "There's ways to loosen that up you know?"
By the way, congrats to Tayshia for finally breaking 100K IG followers. The disparity is huge with the other Top Three. Cassie's at 835K. Content Hannah's at 748K.
Later that Night...
At dinner they have a conversation where they're painfully aware of and comment on how the whole country is watching. Phlebotemist's dress is acting up: "Don't let me flash the whole world." They give each other thank you speeches, the way one does. Then her tit falls out of her dress, as one does. Phlebotemist: "That was a nip slip." Child Dolton brags: "I saw that one!" See guys, he is experienced!
She figures this is the perfect moment to flip her Personal Tragedy Card, her divorce, and reveal the darker side of her PTC, that her husband cheated on her. She's a pro. In return, Dolton gives her the Trophy of the Fantasy Suite Card & Key, representing an opportunity to fuck and more importantly, talk off camera for the first time. Phlebotemist: "If he has a big smile tomorrow you'll know why." They pop champagne and it explodes.
Dolton brags that though he's a virgin he's "been close" and he's "experienced in different ways." I'm a virgin but let's just say I've done cool stuff. He *did* see her tit at dinner. He closes the door. We hear her giggles.
THE NEXT DAY...
Phlebotemist looks disappointed, like she knows Dolton's not picking her, saying that they didn't bang. Phlebotemist: "I could pick up on his nervous energy but I got to see him for who he really is." She keeps making this awkward face at him.
She tries to leave and he takes her robe off her to keep her from taking it. No Trophy for you. Phlebotemist: "I think I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown." Fantasy Suites are going great so far!
Day Date with Cassie
Cassie and Dolton have the "Market Day" date. The best part of the travel portion of this show is how they treat other cultures as a prop. Dolton is trying very hard to hold onto his V-card so he wears this shirt.
Dolton cheerses her: "To being in Europe with you."
Dolton suggests they get matching PJ's. Cassie: "This is see-through." Definite adult Dolton: "Wouldn't be mad about that." They make out in an alley and he grabs her butt. Dolton: "We can explore things together. That's what I want out my wife... I got someone very special in front of me." He's already broken up with Tayshia in his mind.
Dolton and Cassie go to a dance class for the aged. Dolton: "Isn't this what you want your life to be like?" An elderly circle of dancers? There are so many accordions. She’s dancing with an old guy. Dolton: "That's my girlfriend!" Dolton's confessional: "Cassie makes me feel complete. I love Cassie. Point blank... I want to be in love the first time I have sex." He fills her in on his conversation with Daddy Cassie. "Out of all three of the conversations, it was the most challenging -- in the best way! I did ask him for a Blessing... I didn’t get his Approval."
Cassie: "You didn't?... I left feeling like they trusted me to make the right decision... And you're OK with that? I wish you had told me then." If she was into this she could be like oh whatever. She's been gunning HARD for next Bachelorette the whole time, playing Dolty like a fiddle and she and her family probably planned this move. On the other hand, she's got a very empty vessel vibe, and maybe this pokes at something she’s insecure about. I bet her parents have made every decision in her life so far, including going to Christian college. I'd also bet someone else convinced her to go on this show.
Daddy Cassie's Knock Knock
Daddy Cassie shows up in Portugal. @bachelorclues: "He's flying out for a remote blessing." He kind of looks like a doughey Kiefer Sutherland.
Daddy Cassie tells her how the whole family got the hint that she's not super into Dolton and that he and her Mom never had any doubts about their own relationship. He mentions God and Jesus repeatedly. Daddy Cassie: "For me to give a blessing after a half hour conversation isn't really diligent." You're a valuable asset I won't just GIVE away. He's here for the remote anti-blessing. Daddy Cassie: "How are you feeling on that? Do you love him?"
Cassie trying to convince herself/Bach Nashe: "I think I do. Yeah." He asks if there's a "but" several times and gaslights her into breaking up with Dolton. Daddy Cassie: "You can't have any doubts. When God has a plan for you it's a perfect soul mate." And that soul mate is your Dad's decision. Cassie sticks her lip out like a toddler. She blows him a kiss goodbye, normal dad daughter shit.
Later that Night...
Cassie puts on a ton of makeup and a fancy dress to go dump his ass. Dolty has other ideas. He puts on his Virginity Loss Scarf. Dolton: "Cass is the one. My heart is complete when I think of Cassie." HE'S BREAKING FORMAT. ALERT.
She cheerses him to their relationship? Cassie confesses: "My dad actually showed up at my hotel room earlier. Ummmmmm... He told me about their kind of love and he never had any doubts about it and she never had any doubts about it either." Dolton: "This process doesn't matter if it's not with the person I feel the strongest for."
Cassie: "I hate that you say that. It's sweet. I want you to have what you want too... Today was perfect and I love you so much but I couldn’t after today, but I’m not like, IN love. I feel like I’m having doubts about it."
Dolton: "Were you planning on leaving tonight?" Cassie says "I don't know" 300,000 times in this conversation. Cassie: "I don't know I hate that I don't know. I can't I'm sorry." She takes off her mic and cries to Producers, "Now I'm second-guessing it. I didn't know it was going to be this hard."
Dolton hugs her, and pulls out all the stops: "I'm OK with being patient." Cassie is doing anything to get out of it: "I don't know that I'm gonna get there." Dolton: "I don't want to lose you." He makes them sit back down. He definitely watched the show You too many times and has become Penn Badgley.
Dolton continues to jam all his eggs in this one basket: "I don't want you to make a decision tonight. I can't stop thinking about you. It's hard for me to go on dates with other women... I'm sitting here telling you that I'm in love with you." Cassie completely miscalculated this situation. She thought she had time to dump him before it would make her the Villain. Colton starts violently shaking. Cassie: "Stop shaking!" Yeah, this is some motherfucking jump-the-fence energy rn!!!! She stares out creepily as she hugs him, picturing her potential suitors in a couple weeks.
Dolton: "I don't want to lose you. I fucking love you. I want to give you your time I want to give you your space. I want to give you whatever you need." It doesn't work. The shaking cannot be helping... Dolton: "So that's it?" He puts on his Jumping Jacket. He walks her to the middle of a lawn and takes one last sniff of her hair.
Cassie: "I want you to be with someone who's insanely in love with you." Dolton: "That breaks my heart." Cassie: "Are you mad at me?" Dolton: "I love you." Cassie: "I love you." They kiss and she gets in the limo.
Cassie's Exit Interview
She puts on her best show for Bach Nashe, crying, "I feel bad about everything." Dolton goes in the Fantasy Suite alone. Dolton: "I'm done. I'm done with this." He hits a camera away. He flips a walkie talkie off a ledge. He rips his mic pack off. Producer: "Somebody get Chris!" Lord Harrison: "Colton!" They had him on call once things started going south.
Dolton Jumps the Fucking Fence
Catharsis. I feel like I just lost my own virginity. Time stops.
Lord Harrison: "He just jumped the fucking fence!"
@rubenconner: "Fence jumping has a Truman escaping the Truman Show vibe." Lord Harrison opens the gate that Dolton flew over and begins the search party for Dolton.
They broke him.
@brynnekennedyphotography: "He's a 26-year-old virgin, he's been broken."
To be continued...