By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 8 (Air Date: 2/25/19)
HOMETOWNS BABY!!! LET'S ADD SOME SPICE TO THIS BLAND AS BALLS STEW AND STIR SOME SHIT UP! This is my favorite week for many reasons. There's the wildcard families out to dash their Influencer daughters' dreams. It's also the most blatant in disgusting gender role shit that this show still promotes. Yes, it's 2019 -- we have multiple women running for president, but on the country's second most popular reality TV series, Dolton's still gonna ask permission from four Dads to purchase their daughters!!!
We start our problematic extravagaaanza with the traditional shot of Dolton bathing, thinking about what he's going to eat next. He rubs his chest, he clutches his boob tenderly. He inspects his shirtless body in the mirror, then sprays himself with cologne. We are one music cue away from the jury duty of pornos.
Miss NC Caelynn's Fredericksburg, VA Hometown
Miss North Carolina brings Dolton to her Hometown, which of course is in Virginia. Miss NC acts super hard, with all her might: "I think our ride’s supposed to be here soon. Uh, taxi?!" A horse-drawn carriage pulls up for them and they ride around town. She shows him where her Mom used to draw peoples' blood. Is her Mom Phlebotemist??
Dolton meets her family. There's so many Heartland Hairstyles I don't know where to start.
Everyone is skeptical of their relationship. Mrs. NC: "She left and she didn't even know you. Now she's bringing you home and saying 'this is my future.' This is definitely new territory for us... it's hard to wrap my head around."
Miss NC thanks her stepdad for being a good Dad after he's been weirdly eyeballing her and Dolton all night. Stepdad asks about him: "All these things you spoke about it sounds like you could just be friends?" Miss NC: "I do love him and I wouldn’t bring him home if I didn't." Stepdad: "Just remember I’ll always love you… I feel like I did one thing right." He’s crying.
Dolton chats with Stepdad. Dolton: "When and if those feelings get there, could I have your permission to marry Caelynn?" Stepdad: "Are you mature enough?" He gives in and gives the "permission." Miss NC shows Dolton her baby videos.
Dolton: "Is that you?"
Miss NC reaches a new Love Level: "I’m confident that I am fully in love with you." She knows this Game.
CONTENT HANNAH'S BIRMINGHAM ALABAMA HOMETOWN DATE
The Producers make the first part of Content Hannah's date batshit insane because they're mayo on white bread. Content: "I’m going to try to turn you into the perfect Southern gentleman for you to meet my family. We're going to take an etiquette class!" I learn I can't even spell etiquette. This is also the first time Content’s ever sounded remotely Southern.
They meet a white lady. She makes Dolton hold a book on his head and walk. White lady: "look at that confident gait!" I feel like Content definitely didn’t plan this -- she seems not into it. Also we know she'd never plan a dry date. Now they do a fake meal with this lady and she criticizes how Dolton butters his bread. Dolton: "All I know is just eat the food." He's our best.
Now the lady gives Dolton some kind of Trumpian IQ test: "What is an umbrella?" Dolton: "It protects things from falling on us!" I... I think about all the hours of shit that was CUT from this episode. THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF. Content Hannah: "The fact that he gave it his all to be the perfect Southern gentleman for me means so much." Uhhhhhhhhhhh
DOLTON MEETS THE WHOLE CONTENT FAMILY...
Dolton and Content Hannah take a deep breath at the door. Their thing, REMEMBER? Deep breaths and wet dry-humping. He meets Momma Content and Daddy Content and three Content Cousins. Content Hannah: "They’re protective over me. They are some tough cookies." Because I'm twelve and I would probably shatter if grazed by a nerf gun tbh.
Dolton gives a speech: "From the very first moment, she’s someone that reminded me of home." This is literally the only descriptor Colton has for her. To Content! She gives good showers and good home.
Since the very first moment, she is somebody who reminded me of home. She's reminiscent of my overbearing, competitive father who drove me to excel in sports to fill some huge hole in himself to the detriment of me and my emotional growth, and a sports locker room where I had to lie about banging chicks to dudes I had crushes on all the time.
Omg this one sister/cousin with a strongggg Heartland Hairstyle: "Does it scare you that he's a virgin?" It's fucking weird if that's her cousin asking. Content Hannah: "No."
Dolton tells Content Daddy: "I can see myself at the end… Something that I think is very important is a father’s permission. I would like your permission to marry your daughter." Content Daddy: "I never really thought about this. Wow, that blows me away a little bit. It's hard to do what you just did... If it continues the way it is, I'd give you my blessing."
Mama Content: "She’s always been mine... We’ve never seen you emotional about a guy." Content Hannah: "I don't want to just be a coin toss at the end of this. He validated this for me… He makes me feel safe." Content Momma: "This is what I've been wanting for you your whole life. Listen to your gut… You go get it girl!"
Content Momma: "She left here a Momma's girl and came back a woman in love. It was scary but also something I needed to embrace and I'm completely down for love."
Content to Dolty: "You've always said that I feel like home to you and that's meant a lot. I feel like you're home too and I mean that from the bottom of my heart and you're such a special person. And I'm also falling in love with you." Dolty: "I'm falling in love with you too. I really am." Really Dolty? They somehow make me miss the scintillating conversations of Eerie and Lauren Bland. They make out.
Phlebotemist TAYSHIA's Orange County HOMETOWN
Phlebotemist blindfolds Dolton, takes him in a car, and then concusses him.
She takes off his blindfold at a skydiving plane. Dolton hates this idea: "I thought you said you hated heights!" Do you think she has any agency in planning these things? There's a cool sign: Caution: propellers rip off heads.
Dolty: "Tayshia, she's crazy. God, please let me survive this fall. I still have to lose my virginity. But I don't know what I'm missing yet. And I heard it's really good. Amen." It's just like the new Spiderman movie, sex has gotten a great rotten tomatoes score!
They skydive. Dolty gives us another signature high-pitched scream. Love that the least adventurous man in the world has been forced into this situation.
My favorite moment is Dolty's dismount when he looks like a giant bebe.
Phlebotemist: "You push me out of my comfort zone and push me past my limits. You're bringing out a different side of me that I absolutely love." HE'S not pushing you out of shit! This experience is. Phlebotemist reaches a new Love Level: "I'm falling in love with you... The last person I did bring home was my ex-husband."
DOLTON MEETS PHLEBOTEMIST'S FAMILY
Winning the parents over requires a two-part, gendered tradition. Flowers for the Mother. Blessing from the Father. It's the ying and yang of treating your adult daughter like she has no agency of her own.
Toddler Dolton talks about how hard his dick is since he went sky-diving: "When you land, you just feel invincible. Any nerves I had about coming here, I got it."
Phleb Dad's not giving up the Permission easily: "Tayshia has been through some rough patches before and I can't see her hurt again. Dolton: "I wouldn't be able to look you in the eyes if my feelings weren't there... I am falling in love with her." He reminds me of George W.
Phleb Dad: "That's a strong word... is it sincere? Are you having those same type of conversations with the other girls?" Dolton skirts around it and cuts right to asking for the blessing. Phleb Dad: "I just met you... straight up I think you’re a good guy but I want to protect her and have her best interests."
Dolty is disappointed. He thought nothing could bring him down after skydiving. Dolton: "I mean, I’m not marrying the father but I do have to have his permission." HAVE TO? WUTT??????????????
Then Phleb Dad gives the blessing after telling Phleb "you don't microwave a relationship". Silly Phleb Dad, relationships are just like blood, you microwave them.
CASSIE's HUNTINGTON BEACH Hometown
Speech Pathologist Cassie: "This is the place I love the most in the entire world!" We see the part of the pier where people aren't doing drugs. Cassie tries to give Dolty a surf lesson but Dolton just wants to practice his favorite hobby, kissing and no more.
Dolton quotes Crazy, Stupid, Love: "She's got like the perfect balance of sexy and cute." Dolton sucks at surfing. It’s hilarious. Cassie: "He's like flopping all over the place but he puts his heart into it." AKA the fantasy suite with Colton.
DOLTON MEETS CASSIE'S FAMILY
Dolton meets 100,000 blonde people. There’s so much high-pitched screaming. I feel like I’m having a seizure. We meet Cassie's model sister. Cassie's Dad: "He seemed like a, ya know, guy."
They describe their travels to the family. Dolton: "From Singapore we went to Thailand. We had our One-on-One there." It's just assumed that the family understands the lingo at this point.
Cassie talks to her whole family in baby talk. CassSis: "Would you say yes if he proposed to you?" Cass: "I’m still not completely there... I’m falling in love with him." CassSis: "There are hundreds of other guys out there. If there's any doubt, don't shove that down. I think that you're perfect. I want you to be with someone perfect."
CassDad: "How can you be sure? ...You're 23. You got a life ahead of you. And you don't have to rush into anything. It's not like you're buying a car. It's a forever decision." Cass: "Oh my gosh I'm not dumb. I'm being smart about this whole thing... I want you to like trust me." Dolton asks CassDad for Permission. CassDad doesn't trust Cass: "That would be a premature blessing."
Disappointed Dolton and Cassie leave. Dolton: "Where you at?" Cassie makes her 3000th pouty face but doesn't increase her Love Level. She's depending on her HOTNESS to get her through this rose ceremony. Spoiler alert: it does.
Lord Harrison leads the ladies to their fates. Content Hannah: "I'd definitely love to go to the fantasy suite... but he went to three other hometowns and maybe had just as good a time."
Cassie is wearing Scheana's crop top wedding dress.
Dolton's not wearing the fucking jump-the-fence jacket god DAMNITTTTTT. FOR CHRIST'SSS SAKES! We've been gaslit this whole fucking season. He probably jumps the fence for some play!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST KNOW IT. The fence is our Dolton's blue balls.
Miss NC grabs Cassie's hand, about to clutch it like in a traditional pageant but then she remembers this is pretending to not be a pageant. Roses for Content Hannah, Phlebotemist Tayshia, and CASSIE. Omfg I really thought Miss NC was Top Two with Content Hannah. On her way out Miss NC says to her fellow Conspirator Cass: "Get engaged." Dolton walks Miss NC out. Dolton: "I don't even know what to say."
Miss NC gives her best Bachelorette fodder cry: "I saw it… I thought we both saw that. And I feel stupid for thinking that. I feel like an idiot." She wipes her makeup off perfectly.
Miss NC's Exit Interview: "Miss NC: I'm shocked. I'm completely blindsided. I 100% believed that I was getting engaged at the end of this... I hope there's someone out there for me." Can they pick a 23-year-old Bachelorette? I'm ready for marriage because it's 1849!
Tag: Content Hannah shares some rap content and her Dad beat-boxes. Content Hannah: "Word!" Content Daddy: "Word!" @bachelorclues: "Excuse me I'm going to go commit suicide."