By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 11 (Air Date: 3/11/19)
Great, another live finale. I'm sure every segment of this four hour debacle will be 1000% emotionally illuminating and necessary. Is this Lord Harrison's retirement? He's AMPED, talking about "the jump heard round the world." Lord Harrison: "Is there still a chance he will lose his virginity?" I can't believe he's talking about Dolton's dick dryness in his intro.
He proceeds to check in with Dolton's virginity at the top of every single commercial break for the entire episode. They start this tight four hours with a recap of the whole season we just watched. Dolton: "The best thing about love is you can't force it." Then we watch him proceed to force it with Cassie.
Back in Portugal...
A van full of producers search frantically for Dolton. They scream with the emotions I would think only reserved for a lost and sickly child. He's a huge, jacked, adult man, right? OR IS HE? They finally spot a lone dark figure.
A female producer runs up to talk to him and DOLTON SHOVES THE PRODUCER and says, "Don't touch me right now."
Shoved Producer: "Are you OK? Dolton: "No, I'm not OK." Is he trying to hitchhike?
It's time to send in the Big Dogs. Lord Harrison jogs up to Dolton and now there's a crowd of people comically running behind him down the road. Dolton: "Dude, I'm done with this shit." Lord Harrison: "You want to be done with the whole thing?" Dolton: "Yep." Lord Harrison: "Done done?"
The Producer hugs him and Dolton starts sobbing. Producer: "We just want to make sure you're OK."
Dolton gets into some dark shit: "I've been through people telling me I'm not enough. It just makes me stronger. Every time I put myself out there I get fucking rejected."
Lord Harrison's not giving up the fight for his format that easily: "You're discounting two people who have told you they love you." Dolton: "I can't do this I'm done." He slams the door of the limo. I've always wanted to see this happen and it’s happening!!!
Back in the Studio...
Lord Harrison: "Will Colton still find love and what about his virginity?" The question on everyone's mind.
Lord Harrison's Fantasy Suite Date
Dolton and Lord Harrison appear to be lying in a bed together. Dolton: "Life without Cassie wouldn't be complete."
Lord Harrison: "What if she's just not that into you?"
The Dumping of Phlebotemist Tayshia
Dolton pulls Tayshia outside to break up with her. He tells her he's in love with Cassie but he starts sobbing. Tayshia: "Can we talk without all these cameras?" No you cannot. They go inside and we hear sobbing and heartbeats.
Now she starts crying. Dolton takes a good long sniff.
Tayshia gets into the car crying but has no Exit Interview.
The Rehashing of the Phlebotemist Dumping
Tayshia, who looks amazing: "He was shaking and he looked like there was something really wrong." Lord Harrison: "You were taking care of him?"
Tayshia gives her best pitch for being next Bachelorette, talking about how she was hurt but she grew. She talks in a really stilted way though and has nowhere near the follower count of the other finalists.
Dolton comes out. His hair is fucking insane. He looks like Ash Ketchum. Brynne: "They're trying to villainze him with this haircut." Tayshia lists the activities they did together to anime Ryan Seacrest/James Corden and asks what was missing. A relationship is not an adventurous itinerary?
The Dumping of Content Hannah
Content Hannah is giddily excited to tell Dolton she loves him. Perfect!
Dolton: "You've been my rock... I realized that I can't love two people... I thought it was going to be you. You still remind me of home."
Dolton: "You don't deserve to be anybody's back-up plan." Content: "I really thought for sure it was going to be us. I don't feel like this is happening at all... That's what I do I make everyone better and then they don't want to stick around... Everybody was so excited. I was like ready to move to wherever." I do feel like she's his golden retriever soul mate.
He's not even telling them that Cassie has already dumped him. Dolton stumbles out crying: "What the fuck am I doing? I don't know if I'm making the right decision." @bachelorclues: "The only thing I know for sure is it's not the black one." Dolton falls into a wall and cries.
A Producer hugs him. Dolton: "I'm scared." Producer: "I know."
Content refuses to do an Exit Interview.
Dolton: "I'm giving up a sure thing for something that may be impossible. That's how much I love Cassie."
The Rehashing of the Content Dump
The Sure Thing is back in Studio. Content: That was "one of the hardest moments that you'd had in your life. No one wants to watch that." We do. She gives her best pitch for being Bachelorette: "My heart's just kind of bruised from it."
Content: "It's the ultimate rejection. I've been hoping for more closure." She confronts him about him giving her no reasons to not believe she was the one, since the FIMP Rose. Content: "What Cassie did to you is what you did to me... I even said to a producer 'tell me to brush my hair if he comes back.'"
She also drags him about the comment about thinking about other girls when he was with Cassie. How could you possibly think about your other girlfriend when you're not physically with her?! Betrayal. Then she does a line that has clearly been focus-group-tested: "I want someone to jump a fence for me."
Lord Harrison: "Are you in love with him?" Content: "Not anymore."
Now, Lord Harrison confronts Dolton about the most important thing in this episode, his new haircut. Lord Harrison: "We're going crazy right now, trending all over Twitter. I think your new haircut has broken Twitter."
I think Lord Harrison hates Dolton. Between this and checking in on his virginity at every single commercial break. Dolton makes the saddest face in the universe and I almost feel bad. But I don't guys!!! No one ends up here by accident!
Lord Harrison Brings out a White Brunette Man Panel for no Reason
Lord Harrison: "For the first time in Bachelor history there are no women left on the show!" Lord Harrison brings out a ring of doofuses. There's School Shooting Blake, Unlovable Ben, the one who's with Kaitlyn Bristowe now (Jason) and MAGArrett. Lord Harrison: "Wassup boyz?!" Kaitlyn's Jason gives Dolton a shred of hope: "There is happiness around the corner."
School Shooting Blake has a very coked up/jump-the-fence energy. MAGArrett adds so many insightful witticisms to the discussion: "He's gonna do whatever it takes to git her." His smile slowly fades after he stops talking and his brain powers back down. WHY AM I WATCHING SOME SORT OF TOOLBAG SPORTS CENTER RIGHT NOW???
We're not even going to see Dolton do a Cassie Knock Knock are we. Lord Harrison puts the icing on the cake of the ep: "Right now he's single and still a Virgin, just like he was at the beginning of our show!" REALLY? HE DIDN'T FUCK IN THE LAST TWENTY SECONDS SINCE YOU LAST SAID IT???
To be continued... Maybe tomorrow we'll hear twenty minutes about how Nick Vile thinks Dolton should just keep fighting for love and enjoy the journey or whatever the fuck.