I didn't think the Bachelor could become more Bachelor but I have NEVER been more wrong in my life!!! For the first time, they do the live THREE HOUR premiere not on a backstage lot but in a theater downtown. A series of young people in jewel tones bizarrely dance in a line parade behind Lord Harrison as they enter the theater.
We cut to Lord Harrison standing in a sea of young women. All the women are perfectly at dick height.
He checks in with other Bachelor viewing parties, hosted by what he calls "Bachelor Correspondents." These are previous contestes that have made the IG follower cut all over the USA. They've "even picked a party in the heartland." The Heartland is apparently a random white couple's house in Lansing Michigan. Blake and Jason, the two other white dudes who would've been Bachelor if they'd been lucky enough to have had a character description as strong as "Virgin", are the hosts.
The other Bachelor spokespeople are Caitlyn and Jojo, who host with Lord Harrison's Mom. She looks amazing and ageless like her son. Jojo's still hot. I feel like Caitlyn should be better at hosting at this point.
There's also Ashley CrI and Jared. This whole thing feels like a weird competition for Lord Harrison's hosting job. They give this one white lady a bunch of screen time because she wants to bone Unlovable Ben.
This one blonde bitch in the main studio keeps pulling focus, staring at the camera and not at Lord Harrison. Erika: "She's the new Fiji girl."
Krystal and Ron Pearlman are in a hot tub in the parking lot outside FOR NO FUCKING REASON besides trying to promote their shitty YouTube series in the saddest, darkest way possible. They are terrible actors.
Neil Lane is there so you know this is a big deal/nothing. They're literally telling us to go to Instagram and like a photo to release secret footage that the Bachelor producers are holding hostage. OMG THEY'VE GOTTEN RID OF MY BLONDE QUEEN. Bastards.
Ashley correctly jokes about how she's now the old virgin that no one cares about. This is the most energetic I've ever seen Jared by three hundred fold. The fake wedding storyline must be getting to him and he's trying to break out so he can get away from Ashley. Lord Harrison agrees he's got pizzazz.
Miss Alabama wears a dog collar and calls herself the Hotness Express.
Someone: "I've only kissed four guys who are not my boyfriends." OK, these "never" statistics are getting out of hand.
Heather, the girl whose job is "never been kissed" practices by kissing a photo of Colton from a meet-and-greet.
There's one woman with an Autistic brother and they're a "package deal." This show. The Dental Hygienist says she will take cleaning Dolton's teeth as sex because it's the most action she can get from him.
The one that looks like a child is named Demi and she seems aggressive and insane and I'm on board. She talks about how her Mom "had to go to federal prison for embezzlement." Then she calls herself "the damn confetti cake" of life.
Now we hear Dolton tell his own story. He has tiny nips and looks like a giant, wet, muscley, baby.
Dolton: "I grew up in a pretty conservative environment." No shit. Now he tries to explain his virginity in a way that doesn't imply he's secretly gay: "I didn't have girlfriends... I was the weird chunky fat kid... I got lost in football." He's 26 and retired from the NFL.
âWe see Bex dump Dolton even though he was "ready to lose [his] virginity." They just pretend Tia never happened. Now Dolton walks his dogs through the woods to represent how he walks his own dog alone, day after day.
Dolton: "I'm not doing this for the fans or to win people over." (I'm not here to make friends). Lord Harrison asks him about his virginity. He volunteers some of the hate he's gotten such as: "he's not a man!"
The Kids Package
Now we see something that Lord Harrison literally calls "The Kids Package." We see all the offspring that have resulted from this show. Trista and Ryan's kids both look like Ryan.
All the parents declare that if their kids wanted to go on the show they'd support it, "because look what can happen!"
Of course they bring in the Sonogram baby of Eerie and Lauren.
Their unborn fetus is up to 140,000 IG followers. Cool world.
We cut back to Krystal and Ron Pearlman in the hot tub. Now there is a line of STRANGERS waiting to get in their stew, which has been filled with diamond ring floaties. Lord Harrison: "You guys have the best setup in the world right here." Do they????? Harrison asks if there's going to be a baby goose. They're trying way to hard to make the "Goose" nickname happen. No. Instead, they announce a dog. WHY ARE WE BEING SUBJECTED TO THIS??
Correspondent Ashley CrI pulls up a random guy with an announcement who proposes to his girlfriend. Ashley and Jared kiss to celebrate. I feel like a prisoner. We haven't even gotten to the first limo and we're an hour in.
I like how Dolton gets an actual red neck when he's embarrassed and I look forward to it the rest of this season. He talks about this experience as if it's a literal game and has "pregame jitters." Demi with the prison momma is first and is also the first of 95% of the women to joke about Dolton's v-card. Demi: "I haven't dated a virgin since I was 12 but I decided to give it another shot."
Dolton: "Oh boy I'm in trouble." Oh yes. Several women speak other languages. Miss North Carolina, Caelynn comes out with a sash that says, "Miss Underwood." She's offering to take his last name before she even knows if he can fuck.
Dancer Sydney: "I quit my job to come here to meet you." (Please don't send me home night 1)
Speech Therapist Cassie dumps out a box of what I thought were dead butterflies and I thought that was really cool but they're actually fake.
Onyeka: "Colton is a snack and Momma's gotta eat."
Yesss they're setting up the pageant girls' rivalry. Alabama Hannah: "I didn't want it to feel like competition in any way but here she is dating the same man!"
Tracy pulls up in a police car and SHE'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING COP. She's the fashion police................ She gives him handcuffs and Dolton thanks her for the nice bracelets.
Revian tells him Mandarin for, "I think you're a stud muffin." Stud muffin translates? Nina speaks Croatian. Kirpa: "He's got a soothing presence."
Prison Momma Demi: "He's just a big huge teddy bear who makes me feel like a little tiny baby and I loved it."
Caitlin pops a cherry balloon in Dolton's face: "Now that I popped your cherry we don't need to talk about virginity anymore!" Someone makes him eat a peach and screams Call Me By Your Name. DON'T YOU KNOW GRAPEFRUITING IS A VIRGINITY LOOPHOLE DOLTON!!! Someone gives him an actual V card. Do you guys get it yet?
Sloth Alex finally enters and decides to not only move slowly but also to talk excruciatingly slow. Sloth: "I heaaaaarrrrd you take things sloooowwwwwly." Ughhhhhh.
Colton exclaims like a 4-year-old at the zoo: "It's a sloth!!"
Alex B does the Love Actually strategy.
Bri pretends to be Australian "to stand out" even though she's already insanely hot so she'll stay night 1: "I heard you're kind of a sucker for accents."
DJ Catherine gives her little dog to Dolton to dogsit. I already don't want to hear anything about dogs ever again. Saturated.
Cinderella Erin arrives in a big carriage and gives Dolton her shoe.
Back at the Live Mess, they bring in Bri to show off her New Zealand accent to their Bachelor Winter Games contestes, since she's now gone viral for her lies. She's the only player that makes the premiere. Bri: "I think it's kind of aware now." I no longer think she wins.
They bring in Bex and MAGA! They offer their ingenious insight that they think Colton should pick "someone who loves dogs or has dogs." Ugh. They don't let MAGA talk hahaha.
We cut back to the Heartland where this rando prego lady says her boyfriend loves her so much he held up a TV for 45 minutes so she could watch The Bachelor. We know it's a lie because everyone knows that's not even close to an entire Bachelor episode. OMFG ANOTHER PROPOSAL. OK so this is why it's the Heartland. It's where someone is willing to propose in order to be two minutes of a three hour Bachelor episode.
Prison Mama Demi takes on the role of First Responder and gives Dolton a drink and grabs him first. He compliments her eyes and she keeps negging him.
Alabama Hannah straight up asks why he's a virgin and he gives his bullshit soundbite. Dolton: "I hold a lot of value and a lot of stock into it." K. Alabama Hannah: "You should keep it special." Content Creator Hannah takes a deep breath with him after he mentions his "pregame jitters" again.
Dolton tells her "you're doing a really good job." At just being hot.
Miss North Carolina Caelynn tells Dolton she moved to North Carolina a year ago, presumably because it's easier to win pageants there. Dolton kisses her.
We cut to a bunch of cheerleaders cheering Dolton BECAUSE THIS IS LITERALLY A FOOTBALL GAME. Lord Harrison: "That was not the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders." NO SHIT CHRIS.
Ex-Dancer Sydney brought a string quartet.
Someone: "Oh my god he's falling in love right now." Alaskan Elyse makes him fish something that she throws in the pool. It's bad.
Tayshia set up a whole carnival for him called TayshiaLand and rides him like a pony.
Sloth is now in the tree. Sloth takes off her costume and seems coked out and lists a bunch of sentences to Dolton.
DJ Catherine gets interrupted by someone so she double dips. Her pitch to him: "I think we could create this amazing lifestyle together."
Onyeka then dives in, wearing a snorkling mask and blowing a whistle: "Colton I heard you were drowning in some bitches so I came to save you!"
At the end of their conversation, Onyeka blurts out that she's CPR certified to woo him.
Onyeka confronts DJ Catherine about her double dipping and tells her "It looks a little desperate." DJ Catherine: "I'm sorry if I stepped on toes. Or looked desperate which is hilarious by the way... If you don't have haters you're not doing something right." I love an "I'm sorry if."
DJ Catherine doesn't take kindly to this suggestion so she goes back for a third and fourth conversation with Dolton. She reminds me of Camille Grammar. Dolton upon her quadruple dipping: "Fourth time's the charm!" His "fourth time's the charm" is his "second time's the charm" of using this joke. Inception.
Now Lord Harrison goads the audience into booing for Catherine : "What do you guys think of Catherine so far?" She's been on camera for probably a whole minute and he's directing us to think of her as the villain.
Speech Pathologist Cassie teaches Dolton sign language for kissing. Cassie: "You don't have to put your hand back. You can keep them together."
I'm trying to remember who all the girls were but the intro package was ten years ago. Alabama Hannah is PISSSSSED.
Cinderella to Dolton: "It's been a long night and I didn't turn into a pumpkin hahaha!" YOU HAD ALL NIGHT TO COME UP WITH THAT LINE.
Content Creator Hannah gets first impression rose.
Content Hannah: "This like validates everything."
Lord Harrison brings out Dolton at the premiere. We can see someone Snapchatting it.
Dolton says he appreciates it that DJ Catherine goes for it. Lord Harrison busts out some sports stats: "She's got a record of steals on night one." Jojo announces: "We asked for 10,000 likes. We got over 152,000 likes." Shocker they hit that lowball amount to release the secret footage... Lord Harrison's Mom now introduces a video tribute to him.
Lord Harrison Tribute Montage
We see Lord Harrison over the years, not aging. He also really hasn't changed his hosting style much. This makes me very sus that they're looking for a host replacement.
Lord Harrison asks Dolton about night one. Dolton: "It succeeded all my expectations." He is our best. We are all soooo much dumber for watching this show.
Roses for: Miss North Carolina Caelynn, Katie, Alex B, Hannah B., Snorkler Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Long Heather, Alaskan Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Speech Pathologist Cassie, Prison Mamma Demi, Nina, Erika, Ex-Dancer Sydney, "Australian" Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole and FINAL ROSE: DJ Catherine!!
Tahzjuan, Cinderella, Devin, Sloth, Jane, Laura and Revian go home. They make Cinderella walk past a pumpkin.
They've clearly filmed until like noon the next day. They interview Tahzjuan in front of the other women cheering.
Tahzjuan: "Are you kidding me?"
We end the episode with this classic fence-jumping shot and Lord Harrison says, "a big thank you to all our correspondents." Can't wait to see which correspondents make it to the live finale and which Heartland plebs we will have to watch grossly propose.