Colton films a testimonial with a handheld camera to introduce the first group date. This has never happened before and it's bad. Erika: "There needs to be a 13 Reasons Why mashup with this."
Hey, it's Dolton. Dolton Underwood. That's right. Don't adjust your... thingy you're watching this on. It's me, live and on stereo. I'm not here to make friends, I'm not here to get so distracted by football that I forget to lose my virginity for my whole young adult life, I'm here to down, set, hike, wait damnit! Scratch that last part. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of the first group date in Bachelor history that contains literally zero sexual chemistry. Welcome to your tape, Bachelor Nation.
Back in the Mansion... Lord Harrison picks the players that are on the first group date, and he does his traditional hyping of the stakes, saying they need to savor their time. Speech Pathologist Cassie looks sooo much like the chick in the show "You."
Lord Harrison says "speaking of Targets" in reference to Content Creator Hannah re: getting the FIMP Rose. YOU'RE LITERALLY MAKING SURE THAT SHE'S A TARGET.
Someone: "I've gone on like a double date before, I don't know if that really counts." NOPE.
Comedy Group Date
Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally are the hosts for the first public humiliation (group date). The women will perform monologues about "firsts" in front of 200 people and Bachelor Nation. Megan demonstrates with a story about the first time she banged. Offerman talks about, "the first time that [he] plucked the blossom of a woman... She helped me part the bushes..." He mocks Dolton.
Dolton assuages the women's fears about public speaking: "Pretend like everybody is in their underwear." BRILLIANT. CAN WE GET THIS GUY A TED TALK STAT?
Offerman to Mullaly: "Don't say hot as fuck." Mullaly: "They say dirty words on the Bachelor all the time." I love this date. I could see someone having a panic attack at the end of this.
Group Date Live Show
Colton's story is first. Shocker, he talks about his fucking virginity again. He puts on this weird performance about how he was pressured to lie in the locker room. Since when did locker rooms become everyone's alibi for everything?? He tells a story about the first time he didn't lie about his virginity to a guy who said, "Wow man that's really cool." Sounds like such a real conversation that happened. I want to hear more about what happened in that locker room.
Alaskan Elyse tells the story of how she's dating a younger man for the first time and we get into a fun, recurring theme of this season, age-shaming. Demi: "She was willing to admit that she's older in front of everybody. It was so bold of her. I mean, there's no advantage to being an older woman here."
Someone tells a story about white bread. Content Hannah tells a story about her main characteristic, which is that she got the FIMP Rose. Offerman jokes about actually getting Dolton's rose and Dolton makes a gay panic face.
Snorkler tells the story of her main characteristic, her one joke she told the previous night: "I saved him from drowning in some bitches... Let me just add, there are some thirsty girls here." She keeps mixing up her water metaphors. Are you a lifeguard or a snorkler? Is there too much water, and thus drowning, or is there thirst?
DJ Catherine: "I'm a good swimmer." She throws down the microphone and flips everyone off.
Tracy with a Hat says she once physically fought her friend in order to date this other virgin. Offerman: "I think that it is a cautionary tale for the other ladies in the house."
Prison Mama Demi is last and she speaks about being "too scared to kiss Colton... when I want something, I'm going after it." Demi jumps offstage and kisses Colton. "This is the story of how I got the first group date rose." I LOVE IT!! Chad: "This is the best gamesmanship I've ever seen." Erika: "Proud of her." She gets the Celeb Hosts to respond to it, gets the producers to keep her around, as well as making all the other players jealous in one single move. DJ Catherine tried to do that and failed. Demi has surpassed her and I hope she stays forever.
Back at the House... Alabama Hannah gets the first one-on-one. "It's my golden birthday and he chose me to be on his very first one-on-one. I'm just like, elated."
Group Date Cocktails
Nicole: "Colton is always muy caliente. Always." I feel like the producers asked her "is he muy caliente" and I'm offended. Dolton thanks the players for dropping their Walls. Demi is the First Responder again, taking Dolton as soon as he finishes speaking. Someone: "She's gotten on that grab twice now." Hat Tracy, now hatless, trashes Demi's first kiss with Dolton.
Meanwhile, Demi tells Dolton how much she helps women: "I'm a confidence booster. I'm a total woman supporter."
Dolton: "I like that energy."
Demi, condescendingly: "You're so cute."
Demi returns to the other players and picks up the Group Date Rose. She says, "ooh, it's my rose," dances with it, and puts it back.
The women ask if Dolton gave his approval of her performance today. Demi: "He loved my confidence. Oh yeah, he loved it. Duh!"
Hat Tracy is freaking the fuck out about Demi touching the rose though: "To even touch it honestly, seemed ridiculous to me that she thought that was OK... to go over and pick up that rose... I'm not gonna lie, I was like, short of breath. It made me like slightly sick to my stomach." HUH??
Dolton tells Alaskan Elyse that her speech about being old was sexy. Dolton has never seemed more four-years-old than this moment.
Elyse tells him "age doesn't define anything" and that the 27-and-up players are calling themselves "Colton's Cougars" and rooming together in the "Cougar Den."
Dolton: "I definitely think I can learn a thing or two." They make out. The show is acting like she has a gigantic flaw in that she's 31. JFC.
Meanwhile, Hat Tracy keeps talking shit on Demi's immaturity with Tayshia. They juxtapose Demi playing with her tassels.
Hat Tracy says she's going to "set her straight." Erika: "Kristen Doute vibes." Yes there's a player named Erika and my researcher, Erika. Just figure it out.
Demi re: Hat Tracy: "She had like a frowny face on so you could tell she wasn't very happy about it."
Hat Tracy tells her the rose is special and not to touch it. She pets Demi's hair in the most patronizing way possible. It's fantastic.
Demi: "I'm not worried about it because there's no advantage to being an older woman here."
Content Hannah admits to Dolton that the group date threw her off, given her esteemed FIMP Rose status. Dolton: "There's just something about you that reminds me of home... I don't want you to pay attention to [the other people]." There's just something about you that reminds me of furtive, sneaking glances in locker rooms. Demi peers over the booth and watches them make out.
Demi: "He needs a girl to take control... None of the girls have the balls." She shit-talks Dolton's exes, saying that they've never been "aggressive or strong" even though..........
Hat Tracy kind of looks like Gymnast Aly Reisman. Nicole decides this is the moment to reveal her Personal Tragedy to Dolton, which she makes more important by saying she never tells anyone else. She says she takes care of her twin brother so Dolton talks about his charity for cystic fibrosis. Dolton gives the Group Date Rose to Alaskan Elyse though because her trump card Personal Tragedy is that she's 31. Nicole is sad she missed her PTSS, her Personal Tragedy Sweet Spot. Probably should have waited for the One-on-One when it was more likely to make a difference.
Alabama Hannah's One-on-One
Dolton to Alabama Hama: "I notice eyes then teeth. You have very pretty eyes and nice teeth." IN THAT ORDER!!!!! They ride horses by some rocks.
Back at the House... Miss North Carolina shit talks Alabama Hama, revealing that they were pageant roomies and then Hama lost it: " There's a facade and then it starts to crumble... She's going to snap... In this environment... I think that it will happen very quickly."
Dolton: "Have you ever seen rock formations like this before?" "Is this like Arizonaish?" "Yeah." The editors are fucking trolling him at this point.
They sit in a cabana where Alabama Hama tries insanely hard to look chill and carefree. Alabama Hama: "If something's not perfect then I think I'm horrible... Sometimes I don't think I'm always good enough... I'm very aware of it... I start doubting myself, then it spirals."
Dolton makes the biggest mistake of his life in asking Alabama Hama to give a toast. She starts to panic. Hama: "I really feel like you took my words... How do I start it? I'll put a bunch of words that sound good, that are real... And... roll tide!" WTF AM I WATCHING??
Dolton thinks stripping down to a swimsuit and getting in the hot tub might calm her down. Alabama Hama is on the verge of crying their entire hot tub conversation.
Dolton's confessional: "I thought it was going to be this really easy flow. If we can make any type of progress I'll be happy with that."
Then, INSPIRATION in the form of an eyelash excuse for conversation hits her! She peels Dolton's eyelash off his face even though he screams "no, no, stop!" and then forces him to make a wish.
Dolton: "I can tell some of this makes you uncomfortable." All of this makes me uncomfortable. Dolton's confessional: "I'm questioning everything. It's scaring me that my intuition and my gut isn't good." Not good for you, but perfect for this show.
Cocktails with Alabama HaMA
Dolton: "To taking chances and opening up. Cheers." He doesn't make her do a toast this time.
Dolton: "I felt like you were trying to be perfect the whole time... It's a heavy burden to wear. That's not realistic. That's not life." Hama talks about pressure from pageants. She asks about Dolton's virginity and he gives his spiel: "I accidentally ended up like this... Initially, thought to save himself for marriage... I didn't allow any distractions to come my way." He gives some more Trump phrases: "I hold a lot of weight into it."
Hama starts crying about how she is imperfect because she can't give her virginity to her future husband.
Back at the house... Kiss Virgin Heather confesses to Speech Pathologist Cassie she's never kissed someone. I don't believe her. Kiss Virgin: "It's so different!"
BACK ON ONE ON ONE...
They're on the Queen Mary. Dolton tells Alabama Hama not to feel shame. Shame seems to be a big thing with him. He gives her rose. They make out.
Camping Group Date
Billy Eichner is the camp counselor for a camping themed date. This is a full Parks and Rec Bachelor crossover event.
Lord Harrison introduces a "friendly" game. The winning team gets sleep away camp with Dolton. Miss North Carolina: "This virgin moves fast."
Eichner grills Dolton: "Never even a one-night-stand?" Dolton: "I feel like those are awkward." Eichner: "Fine, you win an award."
Eichner raises the possibility that his future wife sucks at sex. Dolton: "There's always room for improvement." Eichner: "Not a lot... Maybe you're the first gay Bachelor and we don't even know!"
Put that in your promo. See you later!" WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
Eichner: "I'm gay, and that's something I think you should look into." Erika: "They said the quiet part out loud!" The show moves on from this conversation even though I never will. They have an egg-carrying contest. The players are all so thin. Eichner keeps mocking Dolton in his commentary: "It's like Colton trying to find a vagina. It hasn't happened yet!" The red team wins so Dolton pops champs and sprays the women with his seed.
Camping with Dolton
Dolton makes out with everyone except Kiss Virgin. Kiss Virgin: "I was going to wait to tell you but I feel like I have time now and I don't know if I'll get time soon... I'm a virgin but I also haven't kissed anyone before." Dolton: "I would never think any less and I don't want you to feel ashamed. You know your value. You have self worth. And you're not going to settle. And I respect the heck out of that, I really do." He holds her hand, very respectfully.
Miss North Carolina reveals her Personal Tragedy, that she had encephalitis as a kid and that's why she works in children's hospitals. They discuss how being around sick kids "gives you this new angle on life" and they make out. Dolton gives the Group Date Rose to Kiss Virgin though. Another miscalculated Personal Tragedy Sweet Spot by Miss North Carolina.
Demi continues to age-shame: "Some of us younger girls are like five steps ahead of them. I will happily watch their demise." Courtney gives Dolton a job interview: "I'm the oldest of five and I guess that's where my leadership qualities come from." She starts to cry about how she's already a soccer Mom. Dolton: " You really embodied everything that yesterday was about." Child games and gay jokes?
Ex-Dancer Sydney reveals that she cheated in an unaired boat race earlier that day. Dolton: "If you ain't cheating you ain't trying." Cool take. Oh god, Snorkler blasts an air horn in their faces.
Snorkler: "As you know I like to make an entrance. I'm honestly feeling a little bit horny and I had to just let it out." Ex-Dancer Sydney comes back for revenge by banging pots and pans. Someone: "It's way too early for it to be this crazy."
The stress is getting to Dolton as he loses yet more eyelashes. Demi steals Hat Tracy from him while wearing a bathrobe.
Dolton, getting up: "Thank you." Hat Tracy: "You're welcome." Lol. Hat Tracy drinks.
Demi shows Dolton her "Fantasy Closet." Fantasy Closet should be a big part of this season. Someone: "Does she not have parents???"
Demi massages Dolton: "Wouldn't this be a nice way to come home?"
Demi: "Hey ladies. I totally just had an amazing time up there with him. I gave him a little massage... I definitely helped him tonight." Someone: "Do you feel bad at all for Tracy?"
Demi mocks her in her confessional: "I wasn't thinking about Tracy for even half a second."
Alaskan Elyse is suspect of the robe: "It's probably not to like, play Paper, Rock, Scissors."
Demi: "I want the cougars off my back." She goes upstairs to talk to Hat Tracy, who tells her it was "rude and mean." Demi ignores this, remembers how she is the ultimate woman-booster: "You're one of the most amazing women I've ever met. You're an amazing storyteller. I think he's definitely going to appreciate your story." THIS IS SO SANDERSON POE KELSEY.
Hat Tracy: "The conversation that I just had with Demi. It was literal bullshit."
Roses for Tayshia, Speech Pathologist Cassie, Miss North Carolina Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Content Hannah, DJ Catherine, Australian Bri, Ex-Dancer Sydney, Snorkler Onyeka, Katie, Kayla, Nina, and Hat Tracy.
Going home: a bunch of players we literally have heard nothing from: Alex B, Angelique, Annie, and Erika.
Annie: "I don't feel like I got to know him and he didn't get to know me. That was my biggest fear and it happened. My heart's been ripped out of my chest. This is so embarrassing. I just want to go home."
Scenes from next week: Alabama Hama: "There's a beautiful monster inside of me and the beast is about to come out." She's Olivia The Mouth Part II.