Well, the government has been shutdown for over a month but federal workers aren't the only ones suffering! The players on The Bachelor are also adjusting to prisoner life in the Mansion. Ex-Dancer Sydney describes trying to date with standard Bachelor hurdles, like being interrupted by "an air horn in my face." Lord Harrison announces that both pageant ladies will be on the first group date and that everyone should use their precious time with Dolty well. He says there will be ups and down but "that's love."
Yeah, on these group dates, there'll be ups and downs. You may be forced to do demeaning things like get naked and/or beat the shit out of each other. You may be forced to do inane, embarrassing costumed performances that have nothing to do with dating in front of hundreds of tipsy strangers. But that's love!
Pirates Group Date
The group date is a Pirate's Dinner Adventure and the women have to do "pirate training". Only two players will be lucky enough to perform in front of a bunch of strangers though! Alabama Hama references how her "Beautiful Monster" will come out in the competition.
Dolton is somehow the "Captain" in this dinner theater scenario.
Miss NC upon being beat with a Sees candy stick: "I don't like this."
Hat Tracy and Miss North Carolina are chosen. Alabama Hama is pissed: "I didn't come here to compete in another pageant... Honestly, this sucks. It brings out all of my insecurities and I start to spiral."
I didn't come here to compete in another pageant. I came here wearing my Miss Bama sash to compete with a bunch of other young women, primarily while wearing a series of evening gowns and swim suits, and to be judged by a man based on my looks and my personality, all in order to win notoriety and sponsorships, while saying that it's for some loftier goal.
The losers have to go in the poop deck. Hat Tracy is confident she'll win this stakesless competition.
She loses and we all lose though.
Group Date Cocktails
Everything Dolton does makes me think that there's some sort of "Big"/"Freaky Friday" situation going on, and either a child or a golden retriever is trapped in this life-sized Ken-doll body. Dolton bonds with Katie about how they're so compatible because they both like food and sushi and breath air and have skin. He strokes her leg, saying that earlier: "I was like, probably being a weirdo. Like a dork."
Meanwhile, Prison Mama Demi continues to goad Hat Tracy about how old she is: "If I was an older girl surrounded by younger women, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I would feel."
Hat Tracy: "You’re taking personally me giving you a different point of view on something." Demi: "It’s been made very clear that you’re making attacks on me right now."
Demi then makes her own attacks on Dolton: "Every time I smell you, I’m like, ‘Mmmmmm!’ You know what I mean? And I can tell that I always make you nervous."
Then she does an S&M thing, blindfolding him and spanking him with a paddle.
The icing on the cake is she then touches his dick with a fake hand????
Courtney's pissed that Demi stole him/she hasn't gotten enough screen time so she pulls her for a chat. Courtney: "You're coming off maybe a little different than you would like it to be... Be more aware." Demi: "I'm going to be who I am." She thinks the other women are "intimidated by her confidence."
Back on the Group Date...
Alabama Hama shit-talks Miss NC to Kiss Virgin. Kiss Virgin tells her she's gotta tattle and tell Dolton.
Dolton woos Miss North Carolina. Dolton: "I’m so excited for Caelynn and I’s relationship." He kisses her and then shouts "Winner!"
Alabama Hama is not thrilled, makes up words, and decides to be our game's first Tattler.
She tells Dolton that "a few things happened leading to a fallout... I was just in a high-stress situation with her, and it was, like, the most hostile environment I’ve ever been in." Dolton: "Are you saying, like, is she mean? Is she manipulative? Is she fake?" Hama won't answer but responds with this face:
Tattler Hama goes further into Ultimatum territory, saying that if Dolton is into Miss NC he can't possibly be into her too. Dolton: "Let's talk about this later."
Dolty needs to think. Hama demands "at least a peck" so he kisses her. Yikes.
Dolton tells Miss NC that Hama called her "hostile." Miss NC gives a very pageanty response, that "we handle competition very differently" and then references some "traumatic experiences" she can't talk about yet. Now she cries. Dolty gives her the group date rose.
The next day...
Miss NC tells the ladies she's sick and she can't sleep because of the rival situation, and that, worst of all, she can't even enjoy her Group Date Rose, which is supposed to be a wonderful time in any woman's life. Beautiful Monster Hama: "I probably just ruined my chances and I don't know how to fix it... It would suck, like, if he sent me home before her."
Alaskan Elyse's One-on-One
Alaskan Elyse is "just stinking excited" for this date. It's great that despite her cougarness she's still able to get enthusiastic about things.
Dolton tells her they're flying in something. Elyse: "You already gave me that hint" on the date card.
They helicopter to an amusement park in San Diego. A bunch of children join their date for some reason.
Dolton is so good with kids. Dolton: "Do you guys have boyfriends?"
Dolton wins Elyse a teddy bear. We're watching like the most dumbed down version of The Notebook.
Dolton loves how Elyse's good with kids.
Later at Drinks...
Alaskan Elyse reveals her Personal Tragedy. Her sister got cancer when she was pregnant and the baby survived but her sister died. She runs a charity in her name. Dolton loves it: "she has this natural motherly instinct."
She gets the rose because she nailed her Personal Tragedy Sweet Spot, but then she has to dance in front of a bunch of strangers to a country singer, who literally sings, "I hate this."
Group Work Out Date
The players arrive as Dolton pushes a bunch of heavy shit.
Dolton waits for the women topless. They scream. Onyeka sprints and mounts him.
Terry and Rebecca Crews are the hosts for this date to help "Colton find a strong woman."
They try to do pull ups in full makeup and hair. This date is terrible. Apparently DJ Catherine is a black belt.
Dolton and Ex-Dancer Sydney do some really intense stretching. Speech Pathologist Cassie: "Colton's not a stretching virgin anymore, that's for sure."
Now Lord Harrison and Fred Willard are the commentators for the "Bachelor's Strongest Woman" challenge. All the events are wedding-themed sexist crap, something that all strong women love. They push a big wedding cake and do a tire/ring toss. They also pull a limo.
Snorkler Onkeya wins and someone blows an airhorn.
Group Date Cocktails
Nicole gives her strong-woman themed Personal Tragedy to Dolton and cries while talking about her grandma fleeing Cuba. Dolton comforts her by saying she's "mentally strong." Dolton makes up more phrases, this time that he will "self-admit" he's awkward but Speech Pathologist Cassie makes out with him anyway. Maybe she knows she can fix this.
Dolton asks Caitlin about her life and she panics about having no Personal Tragedy: "I haven't had anything like, happen in my life that like, is standing out for me right now that like I want to share with you." Then she finally finds something to say, she wants to find someone who will go out with her friends, "I'm happy to, you know, open up to you about that."
Dolton: "Yeah." Then he dumps her. He tries to hold her hand as he walks her out and she says she doesn't want to so he sort of grabs her waist as they walk?? She still hopes he'll change his mind.
The other players freak out. Nicole finally lands herself a Personal Tragedy group date rose.
Demi lubes Dolton up.
Alabama Hama's still stressing about her last convo with Dolton. Kiss Virgin Heather sees Dolton holding hands with Miss NC, so she prods Hama: "My fear is that she's going to go talk crap about you and then he's gonna believe that."
Alabama Hama releases her Monster, saying that she's topped off her "tank of rage."
Miss North Carolina is indeed, talking shit to Dolton. She reveals that Hama started to "get into her head... talk shit... she kind of spirals when I have the slightest bit of success." Sherlock Dolton goes to investigate.
Hama is mad Miss NC called her manipulative and toxic. She tells Dolton that Miss NC is the "manipulative and fake one... I'm freaking telling you the truth. Just trust me."
Sherlock Dolton needs a moment. Hama: "This is my worst nightmare."
Lord Harrison steps in with a kind ear to listen to Dolty.
End of pool party. None of these people even go home.
Roses for: Content Hannah, Tayshia, Katie, Speech Pathologist Cassie, Kirpa, Ex-Dancer Sydney, Demi, Hat Tracy, Courtney, Kiss Virgin Heather, Snorkler Onyeka somehow, and Alabama Hama.
Goodbye Nina, Australian Bri, and Failed Villain, DJ Catherine.