By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 5 (Air Date: 2/04/17)
They're in Lak Thailand. I like that all our establishing shots are Dolton in the shower now. This time he showers in public on a beach. Kiss Virgin Heather reminds us she's never kissed anyone. Does anyone believe her? The players break down who they think are the front runners.
Kiss Virgin One-on-One
Kiss Virgin may have never touched lips but she's definitely watched this show as she starts the date by jumping into Dolton's arms. They have an awkward conversation clutching hands, then ride in a boat. Dolton caresses her thigh ass area. But no kissing!
Back at the hotel...
Alaskan Cougar Elyse is going through some shit. Elyse: "I had the world's most perfect date... to see other people so excited... I feel heartbroken." We see a montage of her ONE DATE WITH DOLTON. Elyse: It's like "something that you read in a romance novel." She ponders the ocean.
Back on the date...
Kiss Virgin and Virgin Dolty go to a floating city and continue to act like the whitest possible couple. Dolton: "Look at these little shaps!" He holds a shell to Kiss Virgin's ear. Kiss Virgin: "Oh the sound of hope!" WHAT AM I WATCHING??
They see monkeys. Dolton: "Do you blow kisses? Ok good." We can just do that. They zoom in on Dolton's lips. She's going to work her way up the food chain. She doesn't want to have to ask for the special kiss though: "I really hate talking about things that are going on... I think it will be body language."
Dolton: "These rocks. The greenery. It's nice. Pretty special." Flashing back to when he reflected on rock formations. What scenery CAN'T he describe? Dolton: "This is what I want out of my relationship... you can throw yourself into a culture." She repeats everything he says.
Back at the house...
The group date card comes. Everyone pretends to be happy their name is called, which is one of my favorite terrible things on this show. Elyse's voiceover sounds like she's narrating a Jane Austen novel. Producers know she's having a hard time so they save her name for last. Speech Pathologist Cassie gets the One-on-One though. Cassie was apparently on some other reality tv series just before the Bachelor that was with her ex-boyfriend. The show has been airing concurrently with The Bachelor... V Sus.
Back on the date...
Dolton tries to figure out what's wrong with Kiss Virgin, asking her about her dating history: "I wanna hear more about that." So like, let's go to that witholding kisses until you're in your mid-twenties and go on the Bachelor thing? I wanna hear more about that.
Kiss Virgin describes her ex: "He had everything I wanted on paper... We went out kind of lightly... I lasted eight months, longer than I should have..." She keeps saying she lightly went out with people and just had a touch of a boyfriend. Dolton: "He didnât try to kiss you?" Kiss Virgin doesn't really offer an explanation of what dating is when you don't touch but Dolton gives her rose: "I hope that we can make other first experiences together."
They walk to a fire on the beach. It sounds like a war is breaking out but producers have shot off fireworks to try to force this first kiss. DO IT! GIVE US THE SHOT! Dolton obliges. Kiss Virgin: "I have kissed a boy!" A boy???
Dolton: "I'm on a high." Chad: "I found the one girl that I can teach things to sexually."
Back at the house... Kiss Virgin comes back with a rose and wet lips. Someone: "Heather you little daredevil." Elyse has dressed up super fancy to pretend to be happy for her.
Elyse's Knock Knock
Elyse storms out and goes on a Great Walk. Elyse: This "made me doubt everything and doubt what I was feeling and doubt myself... Our one-on-one was one of the best days of my life. I felt such a high. I want to feel that kind of joy forever." She knocks on Dolton's door: "Can I steal you for a minute?" She's the first Knock Knock.
Elyse: "It's literally freaking crushing me... the opportunity to be stupidly happy... I don't know how to compete with other women." She says it would be easier if he said he had stronger connections with others. Dolton does prayer hands: "I don't give up on relationships." Elyse: "I can't. I literally can't accept a proposal after a few months of sharing your time and attention."
Dolton: "You're leaving?" Elyse: "I have to... I can't promise I will get there... These girls talk about how much they're falling in love with you. This isn't working for me... I have to leave. I just hate freaking saying it. I can't accept a proposal in a few weeks." She leaves crying. Interesting self-respect strategy. She's coming off like the only one with real feelings for Dolty. Elyse: "I think I just made a stupid mistake... I'm leaving disgusted with myself and heartbroken."
Dolton just now realizes that he doesn't get to just pick a wife, that they have to consent. Dolton: "I've had people give up on me in the past... that's my worst nightmare is getting to the end of his and not being enough."
The Next Day..
Dolty makes another dumb confessional video: "Today is the morning after my one-on-one with heather and my breakup with Elyse... waking up today I feel like a mixed bag of emotions. It's tough because I had such a good day yesterday... there's still a chance I get hurt at end of this.. I'm afraid to get told that Iâm not enough again... 'It's not you, it's me.' When you hear that a couple times..."
Miss NC Caelynn is extremely aware of how many players are left in the game: "Now it's 10 of us."
The players go somewhere that is only referred to as "the jungles of Thailand." Dolton says theyâre not on a trail but theyâre clearly on a trail. They find a man the jungle. Jungle Joe: "I was raised here in the jungle... I will teach you to not only survive but thrive." Jungle Joe hacks a tree. Dolton: "Yep that's water!" HOW COULD ELYSE HAVE LEFT THIS GEM?!?!
Hama will eat literally anything to progress in this game. Hama: "The most ferocious animal in the jungle is Hannah Beast." Jungle Joe shoves actual shit in her face. Now Dolton and Hama eat worms. Dolton reveals that he lied and threw it in the jungle. This is like the Locker Room Lies all over again.
The players all grab weird animals and bugs. Dolton: "These women are getting after it." And by it I mean bugs. Not my dick. Dolton, however, runs away from a series of animals and gets after fucking nothing.
Jungle Joe tells them they have to divide into teams and find food and water. Content Hannah: "We probably won't survive but we'll have fun doing it."
They remove creatures from their natural environments. Someone falls in the river. Demi: "I like to think outside the box." She brings her group to a bar?
Phlebotemist Tayshia is in Colton's group and sends her other team members off so she can make out with Dolton. The other women watch though and are annoyed.
Demi's Bar Team brings burgers and booze back to Jungle Joe.
She feeds Dolton a burger. They lose but no one actually wins anything.
Group Date Cocktails
Nicole seems drunk. Dolton walks Phlebotemist down a beach and thanks her for accosting him in the jungle earlier in front of her friends.
Dolton to Hama: "You looked like you were straight up jungle magazine... who I would want if there were a zombie apocalypse." Hama now utilizes a key strategy of being the first one to reveal she's reached a New Love Level: "I was totally in my element... I am falling in love with you." WE GOT A FIRST FALLER. I bet he gives Group Date Rose to Hama. A trophy for her early use of Love Levels.
Content Hannah can't believe how few women are left and says: "We're high five range" because she can reach across the couch to everyone. Per usual, loving this content.
Apparently Elyse dropped a time bomb before she left by telling Onkeya that "Nicole just wants to get out of Miami" and is not here for Right Reasons. I don't recognize Onyeka at first because she's not screaming. She tattles to Dolton: Nicole is "looking for an opportunity to leave Miami." Dolton struggles then grabs Nicole. Nicole's response to him: "Nooo..."
Phlebotemist says that Elyse misrepresented what Nicole said. Nicole comes back to Onyeka: "I don't understand why you're spreading rumors to Colton." Phlebotemist takes Nicole to the bar to cool off.
I love how Onyeka is holding a martini in all her confessional shots. He gives rose to Hama. I'm amazing.
Speech Pathologist Cassie One-on-One
They make out in a beach and Dolton holds her butt. It's gross. I feel like the word virginity jumps out of his every fiber.
Now they make out in water. They shoot this sequence like a soft core porn. We learn nothing about either of them.
Later at Drinks...
Dolton gives her the Trophy of seeing his hotel room: "You know this is my place, right?" I don't do this for just any contestant. He cheerses her AND WINKS: "To the start of something very very special... You're special." YOU'RE SPECIAL.
Cassie reveals: "Everything about my personal life is exposed... For me it's not being [a virgin]. Which is hard... [My family] might judge me for it." That's why I decided to do both dating reality shows at once, get it all out at once! Dolton: "With me you're not going to be judged." As long as you believe in Jesus. Their fingers fuck. She gets rose.
Back at the Hotel...
Did Kirpa fall? She has an unaddressed bandage on her chin.
Back on the Date...
Dolton and Cassie get in his bed and dry hump. Dolton: "Normally don't let ladies in my bed on the first date. That just shows how comfortable we are... I'm crazy about you." Cassie: "I don't want to come back to reality." Dolton wonders if he's being too slutty, but "my gut, my heart is telling me to just go on."
ARE WE STILL NOT GONNA ADDRESS WHAT HAS BEFALLEN KIRPA???
Someone: "Hopefully he can focus on relationships and not get involved in any drama." WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS SHOW IS??
Phlebotemist Tayshia brings Dolton to the beach to light a wish lantern. Kiss Virgin: "that's painfully cute."
Demi gives him trust rings. It's like a promise ring but you can make out with 15 other women. Kirpa finally flosses Dolton.
Nicole throws Onyeka under the bus to Dolton: "I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want an Instagram husband... I'm looking for a partner in life... Onyeka has been bullying me. She spread a rumor that I'm emotionally unstable." Dolton: "I obviously don't want to hear that anyone is bullying." It's still unclear to me who is lying but I'm guessing it's Nicole.
Dolton confronts Onyeka: "She says you're a bully and you called her mentally unstable."
Dolton says for the 100 millionth time: "I pride myself on trusting my gut." Onyeka's confessional: "Nicole's literally a psycho."
Onyeka confronts Nicole: "You are a liar Nicole!" Colton's talking to someone else and they hear the women yelling at each other. He abandons Katie. As soon as Nicole realizes Dolton's approaching she fixes her hair. WTF DOLTON JUST SITS THERE AND OBSERVES THEM FIGHTING??
Demi: "Man I really wanna be a fly on the wall now."
Why did he walk over there?? They continue to fight while he does fuck all. Nicole: "I'm an easy target. You ran out of your bells and whistles." Dolton storms off after listening. Nicole: "Colton!" They both try to grab him. Dolton: "I just need time real quick."
We get our first TO BE CONTINUED. THIS ISN'T EVEN THE WALL JUMP THO. Ugh.
Tag: Ex-Dancer Sydney asks Dolton to "whack my weeds." I...