We back. Eerie's still the Bachelor apparently. Is this week's Post-Weinstein episode going to emotionally humiliate the women any less? In the last preview before the credits, Bibby says, “I am broken.” Guess not!
Lord Harrison makes an announcement to the women that because there are 18 of them, some aren’t even going to get a date. If they don't get one, he’s essentially telling them they’re going to be locked in the house for this week like a prison. He tells them to soak up every precious second with Eerie due to the circumstances.
GROUP WRESTLING DATE
Tia: "I JUST got the shit beat out of me on the last group date." They make them physically fight every season now. Lord Harrison announces Eerie's wrestling persona, "The Kissing Bandit."
There is nothing as creepy as Eerie in a mask. He looks like a fucking aged Hamburglar.
Two of the original GLOW wrestlers teach the women to fake fight and it's unclear if they are "joke" criticizing their performances or not. One calls Bibby "pathetic."
Eerie: "I’m looking for a girl who can have fun in any situation."
The GLOW woman then starts attacking Bibby's mother, saying that she must not have known how to spell "when she gave you that name."
Raven’s friend Tia and Bibby impress me for .5 seconds by refusing to participate when the GLOW women are being super rude but Eerie/the producers force them to do it and fight each other instead of the show. My friend Chad: “Bachelor always wins.”
Bibby: “I’m the Bridezilla and I’m about to eat these bitches for lunch.”
Krystal is given the wrestling persona of "Cougar."
They force the youngest contestant, Tinkerbell Bekah M, to wear a leather onesie as the "Sex Kitten," and make her fight Maquel, the "Lunch Lady," whose outfit includes a giant fake mole.
They make Eerie fight the Professional Wrestler from Rachel's season, "Kenny King". Kenny throws him around the ring like a rag doll and then he lets Eerie win.
Marikh and a Lauren do a very sensual performance.
Later at Drinks...
Krystal takes Eerie first. She’s wearing no clothes. Bibby: “That’s savage... I cannot believe that this bitch is doing this shit again.”
Eerie: "You were too damn sexy today. It's driving me crazy. It’s really hard to have you in a room with a lot of other women. I got to check myself a little bit."
Krystal: "Well don’t hold back."
Noooo Bibby decides she's going to be the season's first Tattle Tale. Bibby: "I think it's important to let Arie know what's up." Never tattle. Bachelor Rule #1.
Bibby voices her concerns to Eerie and Eerie looks DEEPLY uncomfortable and stiff.
Eerie holds his own hand.
Raven's friend Tia thanks Eerie for comforting her at wrestling. Eerie: “That makes me feel like a man.”
Tinkerbell and Eerie talk about their exes. Tinkerbell has somehow lived long enough to have had a 3-year relationship.
They basically bang.
Tinkerbell gets the rose. Pixie: “I feel very blessed right now.” Krystal, fake smiling hard: “Good. Good.”
WINTER GAMES LOOKS AMAZING!!! Oh no.
Lauren S.'s One-on-One Date
Social media manager is a good job for people to go on the Bachelor. She starts it off poorly though: "Thanks for keeping me in mind!!" They talk about how they both love going to bed earlier and earlier. GREAT TV!!!
Lauren: "I put on an insane amount of pressure on myself for this date tonight." Eerie asks for her story. Lauren: "How I came to come here?"
Lauren: "I like me. And I'm cool with me and stuff... I have been so blessed with an amazing family, which I do want to talk to you about tonight."
Lauren: "Why am I stumbling over myself? Like be you... He as a person doesn’t make me nervous." Lauren to Eerie: "I think it was an initial chemistry." Eerie, shoveling food into his mouth: “Yeah...”
Eerie picks up the rose and gives this speech: "I love that you love your family... I can’t give you a rose... You know, this is, like my first kind of hard goodbye and I’m very sorry." Eerie puts her in the limo and then walks alone to a barn where an orchestra plays sad classical music.
They take Lauren's suitcase from the house and the women freak out.
Skipper Barbie Krystal can NOT contain her happiness. She looks like her name was just announced as Miss America.
Caroline starts crying. Krystal gives a eulogy for Lauren S: "She really is an amazing, beautiful soul… When you have your time make the most of it because it’s not guaranteed."
Caroline: "I’m literally going to fucking kill Krystal."
Caroline: "I just would like her to go home. Whoops! I said it!" We see an image of a candle going out.
Dog Group Date
Concussion Brittany is still not right in the head and shimmies her titties when her name is called for this date. OH they were saving Eerie's dog for this episode. They have to work with trick dogs in front of a live audience.
OMG THEY’RE DOING ANOTHER RECREATION OF AN ANNALIESE TRAUMA. THIS TIME OF A SCARY DOG THAT BITES A CHILD.
OMG THE CHILD ACTOR PLAYING YOUNG ANNALIESE IS SCREAMING.
Fred Willard co-hosts the dog show with Lord Harrison. Fred: "Arie is courting these girls doggy style. I don’t know if that’s the right term."
The women try to perform with the dogs but they don't really obey. A random child wanders on stage during Mom Chelsea's act.
Upon a close viewing, Concussion Brittany appears to be playing a series of background characters during the performances. Here she is as Tree.
Concussion Brittany is so versatile. Here she is as lamp.
They give Annaliese the "Pooper Scooper" role. Annaliese: "It’s not about the role you’re being given but it's about what Arie's gonna see in you."
Later at Drinks...
The women except for Annaliese take turns with Eerie's pillows. Caroline: "I think I'll call you Pillow Lips."
Mom Chelsea plays the Mom card again and says this date was really in her element. Jenna gets on top of Eerie: "I feel like you know what you want. Yeah, I like that."
Annaliese continues to spiral, "There’s so much anticipation that then I get nervous." Eerie: "This place is pretty cool though. For sure."
Eerie and Becca K. tell each other they're dorks and Eerie says she "looks really good in yoga pants, by the way." She's my pick for who wins rn.
Mom Chelsea gets the rose though because there were children on the group date which reminded Eerie of how much he loves Moms.
Bibby sets up a bed in the front yard and can't stop talking about "her setup." Bibby: "Something that's completely me is being in a cabana."
Eerie takes a series of other women to "Bibby's Setup" though. Bibby tries to interrupt him with Lauren B. Eerie: "Can I get five more minutes?"
Bibby: "He was with Lauren B on my setup!" Eerie meanwhile pretends Bibby's Setup is new for him each time. With Tinkerbell he goes, "What the heck?!"
Eerie to Tinkerbell: "I’m guarding my heart with you." Tinkerbell: "I’m unsafe. I think you know that I don’t need you... It’s scary to be with someone who doesn’t need you to complete them... Maybe that’s why you like Moms too." OMG PIXIE CALLS HIM OUT ON HIS MOM FETISH. HE SAYS YOU’RE RIGHT. She’s going to hometowns.
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY GONNA FUCK. THEY DO A QUICK CUT TO ANNALIESE COMING OUT OF THE FRIDGE. There’s no reason to show this except to try to imply that she’s a huge loser.
They’re all talking about Arie’s lips. Annaliese is only never been kissed person but she's determined to get some Pillow Time and she applies lipstick. Mom Chelsea: "Oh this is so interesting."
Annaliese is already borderline crying. Eerie makes her tell him, "I really wanted you to kiss me." Eerie: "I just don’t think we’re there yet."
Annaliese: "I’m just trying to be who I normally am. And not like a crazy person."
Jenna does her go-to move of climbing on Eerie but this time she strokes out. Maybe drunk? She shakes it off. Jenna: "Do you have any like, you know, questions or concerns about me?"
Eerie: "I can't think of anything right now."
We cut from their makeout to Annaliese who looks like she's also about to stroke out. She dabs her unkissed face.
Annaliese goes for a second time with Eerie to get some answers. The other women: "I can't watch this."
Someone shushes Tinkerbell so they can hear Annaliese's conversation.
Annaliese asks if Eerie hasn't kissed her because he doesn't see a possibility of a future. Eerie: "I really hadn’t put much thought to it?" Oof.
Eerie: "Now that I'm thinking about it, I really don’t feel like there could be a future for us." He walks her out past the other women. They don't understand she's going home and cheer, "Get it girl!"
Goodbye Lady of Trauma, both dog and bumper car. Annaliese: "Something about this environment bought out this like, manic, crazy side."
Roses for Caroline, Taxidermist Kendall, Ashley, Lauren, Concussed Brittany, Becca K., Yale Seinne, Krystal/Skipper Barbie, Raven's friend Tia, Maquel, Stroke victim Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marihk.
Because Annaliese went home prematurely it was a whole rose ceremony just to kick out Bibby!!
Bibby: "I don’t deserve this. Someone just needs to give me a break... I want everyone to know that I have tried."
All that remains of Bibby is her setup. I wonder if Krystal will do a seance over it.
Tag: They do another recreation of Annaliese's dog trauma. One last chance for the show to shame someone's mental health!