The Gang goes to Fort Lauderdale
We get a fun peek at Eerie's angel wings tattoo on his bicep. Apparently this was to cover up an ex's name (but not the one he dumped to go on this show). Taxidermist imbues Fort Lauderdale with magic powers: I've gotten so much out of my limited time so far, "I can only imagine what one day would do here in Fort Lauderdale."
There's a series of shots of their hotel room with no one in them. Play our hotel commercial and you can have the room for free? Eerie announces Mom Chelsea gets first date. Lauren B is already pissed: "I felt like he didn’t even look at me one time." Try having a USED WOMB, LB. The women pretend to be happy that Raquel is back from her grandparent's funeral when they're all pissed she got a rose pass last week.
Mom Chelsea One-on-One
There's more ad footage, this time of the yacht that Eerie and Mom Chelsea go on.
Eerie: “It’s so cool.” Mom Chelsea: “I’m on a dreamboat. But I’m also with a dreamboat.”
This is the second episode in a row where they flaunt the one-on-one in front of the women trapped in the hotel room. This time, they've upgraded the jealousy binoculars to a fucking jealousy telescope. The astronomer women scream, "They’re Titanicking!"
Now they make out on a jet ski in front of the women's balcony. Raquel has already forgotten her dead grandparent and is right back in the dramz: "I wouldn’t be pissed if she like, didn’t come home." LB: "Watching Chelsea make out with him makes me kind of nauseous." Don't worry LB. We're all nauseous with you.
Later at Drinks...
They go to a Car Museum. Get it? He's the car one.
Eerie: "I love the fact that she’s very strong, independent. I just love that in a woman... I definitely treat Chelsea in a different way because she is a Mom. I have to be really delicate with that."
Eerie: "I’m so curious about you." He asks Chelsea about her ex. Mom Chelsea: "I hate talking about this stuff... I was drowning in a life that seemed perfect. I didn’t grow up with a lot. When I met my ex he swept me off my feet with a life that’s extremely comfortable… The separation happened when Sammy was six months old. That was tough."
Eerie gives his most sympathetic face: "You were a new Mom!"
Mom Chelsea tells Eerie she appreciated today and how Eerie is great: "We could’ve been in the park. We could’ve been laying on a blanket and having those conversations."
Back at the Hotel...
The Group Date is announced. The women take turns pretending to be happy to not be on the one-on-one. Tia gets it. TIA’S GOT SOME FANTASTIC FACES. NO TEEF!!!
Back on the Date...
Eerie is wearing makeup? Eerie gives Mom Chelsea the rose: "I would never waste your time." Non-Moms and Bachelor Nation though? Fuck those plebs. Eerie: "I’m really proud that you’re here." Proud?? He's so proud of himself for not kicking her off yet? Mom Chelsea must make it to hometowns.
Group Bowling Date
The producers are trolling Eerie at this point. They make him act out an obscure reference-- recreating shots of Jesus from The Big Lebowski. It's absolutely disgusting and probably lost on most of Bachelor Nation...
They’re trolling Eerie with his outfits at this point too. He looks like the host of Blues Clues. They make him hold his leg in the air.
Eerie cheerses the women: "To rolling with it!"
Straddler Jenna is thankfully, somehow already drunk.
Tinkerbex is getting frustrated with Krystal's fakery.
Krystal: "The girls are desperately fighting for his attention." Eerie announces that the winning team "gets" to go to the afterparty with him as a prize. Oh good we film and air them changing.
The women split into two teams and they self-segregate. All the non-white women are on one team vs. most of the white women. This is not acknowledged by anyone.
Straddler Jenna does some bizarre cheerleader cheer and straddles the floor: "We’re gonna win! Cos we’re a ten! And you’re a four! And you're shhh!"
Eerie: "I never imagined myself in the middle of a high stakes bowling game." The stakes couldn't be higher. Some of these girls will get five extra minutes with me. Krystal leads a prayer over the game: "I want to ask Wayne and Chuckie to be our angels and guide us through." Jacqueline: "Who?" Krystal: “My dogs.”
Krystal's calling the other women's actions desperate but I've never seen someone cartwheel on a bowling lane...
The white team wins and Krystal leads a toast as if the diverse team is all cut from the show: "To continuing this adventure!" The diverse team is downtrodden. Tinkerbex: "Omg how many more times do I have to hear Krystal give a fucking toast. Like, I can't handle that shit anymore."
Benevolent Eerie tells them he's going to bring all of them to the afterparty.
Krystal is dumb and thinks Eerie has any agency in the structure of these dates: "What? Like why did you change your mind?" She now refuses to carry their trophy. Apparently some shit goes down on the bus back and Krystal calls Eerie a liar. Back at the hotel, Krystal’s yelling at the crew to take her mic off.
Straddler Jenna: "Situations like this really show you somebody's true colors."
Other women: "Are you not going to come?" Krystal smiling as hard as possible: “I’m not.”
Krystal: "You can tell Arie that I think he was disrespectful toward Team Blue... All my stuff is packed right now in my bedroom."
Taxidermist calls Krystal cruel. Tinkerbex does a pretty good impression of Cruel Krystal: "No I won’t be going. No."
Later at Drinks…
They leave a camera man in the shot. Why? Yes Jenna drink more!
Eerie: "We’re all here!" Someone: "We're not."
Tinkerbex: "[Cruel Krystal's] kind of throwing a fit."
Jenna: "She was not very nice. She was basically calling you a liar."
Eerie: "It’s unfortunate that she was that upset about it." EERIE MAKES THIS CASUAL FACE.
Eerie goes up to Krystal’s room despite his laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing. Krystal: “I’m just hanging.” Eerie: "It was just bowling." Cruel Krystal: "It felt like a lie." Eerie: "You know me more than anyone here."
Eerie: “Know that I’m not happy about it. And I’ll see you in a few days.”
Eerie goes back to the women. EERIE HOLDS HIS LITTLE BABY TINKERBEX.
Becca: "I was too busy with the drama. Damn it Krystal! I didn’t even shave my legs... I was his first date and I plan to be his last."
Eerie speaks to Becca in a baby voice: "You got to kiss the hell out of me."
Becca: "Thank you."
Tinkerbex leads a prayer for Cruel Krystal: "May she find the peace that she thinks she has."
Krystal crashes the date. LB cries.
Tinkerbex asks Krystal if her leaving and then changing her mind and coming back makes her "a liar." I want Tinkerbex to be next Bachelorette.
Krystal, realizing the women aren't having her shit, leaves again. LB stops crying for long enough to ask Eerie some probing questions like, "What's your favorite color?" Eerie tells her she should already know it's blue.
LB gets deeper and asks how he takes his coffee. Eerie: "I’d like to say black, you know, and be all manly about it but cream and sugar."
Eerie tells the girls which ones are runner ups to get the group date rose, then, "So with that… Lauren!" "So with that" is such a Bachelor phrase.
Tia's Swamp Date
Eerie: "I feel like this is a really country date for a country girl." Eerie and Tia go on a swamp tour.
Eerie does a Southern accent: "Tell me about froggin’." Eerie re: the swamp boat: "As like, a car guy. It’s a big engine. It’s like a car." You probably wouldn't understand because you still get around on a horse and buggy.
Later at drinks…
Eerie: “I love that.” He says this about everything. Tia's apparently a doctor of physical therapy. Tia: "I can do it anywhere. Cos I don’t see myself in Arkansas."
Eerie: "There’s a lot of elderly patients in Scottsdale." STFU ABOUT SCOTTSDALE!!!
Tia asks if Eerie believes in a higher power. Eerie: "I don't know if there's a higher power leading me. I have lost a lot of friends. So, like, there’s a lot of questions there. Like, why?"
Eerie: "I love the fact that you’re here. And it’s going good."
Tia: "Thank you for this opportunity... I’m falling in love with you."
Eerie: "You have to look at me when you say that." Eerie rewards her with some nonconsensual eye contact hypnosis. Tia gets rose.
Cruel Krystal says best line of ep: "Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself."
Taxidermist: "Would you try human meat?"
Eerie: "Only in life or death situation."
Taxidermist: "I would totally try it. It’s a curiousity!"
Eerie: "You scare me." Pillow Time.
Krystal: "I’m tired of lowering myself to try to stoop to theirs. I’m done. That was glitter. Glitter."
Krystal tells Eerie she struggled on group date because, "[she] grew up in a bowling alley." Krystal, cutely: "This is our first fight." Eerie: "It could be our last fight." This is his most masculine line of this season and he doesn't even make good on his threat. Eerie can’t send her home because she already met his family on their first date. Sunk Cost Fallacy, babayy!!
Roses for Tinkerbex, Yale Seinne, Taxidermist, Becca K, Jacqueline, Straddler Jenna, Cruel Krystal. Raquel, Ashley, and Kardashian Marikh go home.
Cruel Krystal: "I guess good things are worth fighting for… If the girls thought that I was a threat before then, watch out ladies."
Tag: Eerie talks to a grandma bowling team and it's awkward. "So that makes y'all like, SUPER Moms, right?"