MAGA's Hometown
Bex travels to the dark lands of non-coastal California. Bex: "I just want to frolic through the trees with him."
Yeah, so over here is where me and my buddies the proud boys get into some trouble!
MAGA calls around to the driver of the tractor: "Carlos, let's do it!" ARE THEY TROLLING US? MAGA makes his family's employee Carlos drive them on a tractor. MAGA to Bex: "Could you see yourself doing this?" Being dragged by Carlos through a field? Bex: MAGA'd "be a hot dad."
The way he disciplines his immigrant employees that he secretly despises is just how I want my husband to take charge with our kiddos!
Bex: "He does remind me a bit of my dad." Uh oh. They plant flowers. Don't worry, Carlos will water those later.
MAGA describes the implosion of his relationship with his ex-wife: "It all started to change when we moved in together... She tried to take me away from my family... Our family values didn’t align." FAMILY VALUES. MAGA has a wrist tat that says Sinestu. Erika: "That’s how he remembers which hand is his left." Bex meets MAGA's family and boy do they have a bloodline worthy of preserving! MAGA and his brother do a maybe white power hand gesture at each other. MAGA's sister pulls him first. MAGA: hanging with Bex has "been the most fun since I was a little kid and it was just family time!" What? She starts weeping. MAGA SIS: "I hated seeing someone to suck the life out of you." Is this the first sister cry? Their whole family has a creepily close energy. MAGAMOM, the "mother bear" tells Bex she doesn't "want him going down that squirrel hole again." You know lil MAGA, always getting trapped in those squirrel holes! They sound like they’re talking about a small child. 
And Becca, is your squirrel hole a succubus vagina/dentata type situation as well?
MAGAMOM: "He has deep values and it’s hard to find. From what we hear about you you come from the same background." Wtf is this shit? Do people talk like this?? We LOVED hearing about your pure bloodline and that you come from the right sort of background. I WILL need your 23 and me test results before I can give you my blessing though.
Now MAGA gets his own parents' blessing to get engaged to Bex? Like a school field trip permission slip. Bex is won over/tricked: "There’s just so much heart and love behind them." I DEF don't think MAGA would like memes on Instagram about throwing immigrant children back over the wall. Clear bloodlines, full hearts, can't lose! Jason's Buffalo Hometown
They’re in Buffalo and everyone here seems super into Buffalo... Jason makes Bex enter a bro-y wing eating contest. I never realized Buffalo wings are named for this city. The crowd chants and forces them to kiss.
Trying to subtlety wipe off some of that gel mound
They’re go to a hockey rink. Jason: "You got cool hockey mom in your blood." It would be hilarious if he just nailed her with a slapshot. Jason reveals his parents met at Apple and I hope this means they are genius bar people.
Jason has his own Carlos who drives him and Bex around on his zamboni. The theme of these hometowns is annoyed middle-aged men driving the couples slowly around in circles for no reason.
Bex meets Jason's family. He tells the hilarious story of how he wiped celery on her and I feel myself aging. Jason tells his Mom "the whole time I have felt like I’m coming from behind." He thinks he's going to be the greasy underdog winner which has never happened on this show.
We meet Jason's brother and his husband! Is this a first? Jason says he's in love and they make him tell her. I'M BORED. WHERE'S GONG-DAD?! Blake's Hometown
They’re in Bailey, CO. Bex: "The feelings are reciprocated I just haven’t told him." They go to his high school ruh roh... this is always weird. He shows her his highschool football photo. Bex: "Blake makes me feel so young again." Yeah, can't put my finger on it. It's definitely not that he was psychologically frozen by various traumas in high school.
Omg the DARKNESS that comes out. Blake explains that his "senior year of high school there was a school shooting." Holy shit. A dude took six female students hostage and raped them at gunpoint and then killed one. WHY DID BLAKE TAKE BEX TO THE SITE OF THE TRAUMATIC MURDER??? Blake stares a million miles away: "You can let it affect you and let it ruin you." Yeah, you seem very unaffected by this... But on another high school note to switch things up, Blake takes Bex into the gym where Betty Who is performing! You can tell it's an actual band because all the women don’t face Becca and Blake the whole time. 
MAGA shows up: who are all these crisis actors?!
Bex meets Blake's family including stepdad Dean— is he the home wrecker? Blake's Mom is an actual muppet. She describes how Blake got dumped: "We cried together. To see that I might have to do this again is gut wrenching." Muppet Mom: "You were never going to love again!"
Blake: Yeah, but "I'm in love." 
Blake talks with his stepdad who tells him to be cautious and remember his last dumping. Blake: "It was the worst-- I’ve never been lower and this would probably hurt more." Stepdad: "In reality you’re not going to be on fantasy dates." You're going to be doing press tours and making appearances on future seasons and selling face masks on Instagram. Real life stuff.
They discuss how Blake had panic attacks after his last girlfriend dumped him. Lucky for him, going on this program guarantees you won't end up humiliated and traumatized! Bex: "I can see him and his family in my life forever." Blake: "I love you Becca." Colton's Hometown
Colton takes Becca to see kids with special needs in Colorado and describes Bex as "having that motherly feel."
Yep, motherly feel, check!
Colton tells her, "I haven’t brought a girl home ever... I’m very careful and selective... You don’t just get to meet my family." The internet IMMEDIATELY proved this was a lie:
They meet Colton's family. Colton: "My dad and I have a coach-player type relationship." Both his parents wear cross necklaces. Colton: well Dad, we're obviously so close that you know about the girl that I only did butt stuff with for one weekend. Dad: Did you address it? Colton: "I addressed it like a man." This is creepy.
Colton’s Dad says to Becca she should dump him if he’s not the one. Colton does more normal stuff like discussing his virginity with his mother. Colton tells Bex he loves her. The Other BIP Ladies Return
Why are they bringing the girls in again? As an ad for BIP? Bex gets advice from the ladies. She describes Jason's family as similar to hers as "they dance and sing with their family a lot." Tia's back and she still has that stank look on her face.
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SINGING AND DANCING HOMETOWN, BITCH!
Tia pulls Bex and basically says she was lying last time and she's in love with Colton and it makes her sick to know he's still here.
Why did I lie to you earlier? Well, Colton and I have this plan to become the next Jade and Tanner and this is strategically the best time to drop this bomb. Best friend stuff!
It's almost like this show is designed to set me up for failure
Rose Ceremony
Colton asks Lord Harrison if he has to bone in the Fantasy Suite.
Excuse me coach, I'm a virgin and fantasy suites are coming up. Lord Harrison: K.
Bex sends Colton home supposedly not because of his virginity and not because of Tia. Colton reacts in a SUPER mature way: "After spending a day with kids?!" That is FUCKED to bring them into it. He's darkness. Goodbye Colton.
TFW the prophecy comes true and you get to bang the three brunette white guys left.
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