First things first, I was RIGHT. The whole episode WAS a shitty Virginia ad. They paid $536,000 in incentives. Only mildly surprised Bach paid so much for a shitty goth dance party and two off-brand president impersonators.
Anyway. The Gang goes to the Bahamas. Bex ponders at the end of a speedboat then has to have another fucking Lord Harrison interview. Lol Bex wants: "Number one, no drama." Lord Harrison asks if she's falling in love with anyone. Bex: "yaaaasheee!"
Someone: "Do you think Colton’s going to bring up his secret today?" Leo: "Who knows what she’s going to feel after that information?" Better or worse than finding out I did porn?
Bex has already been tricked though: "He’s this blonde god... He could pick me up and do whatever he wants to do." They do a virgin titanic on a boat and Colton tries to tell her about his sexless secret but another boat happens to interrupt at the same time. Producers can't blow their load too soon. A local named Action makes them dive for conchs and calls it Bahamas Viagra.
They make Bex say all these conch phrases: "He really knows how to work that conch." SCRIPTED PUNS DO NOT A PERSONALITY MAKE, BACH PRODUCERS. They chew worms. Bex: "I don’t think Colton and I need any aphrodisiacs."
Later at Drinks...
Bex: "He would have to drop a crazy bomb to not get a rose." Colton finally spews his load: "I spent a lot of time working on football Colton and I sort of forgot who personal life Colton was... Haven’t had many girlfriends or dates because of sports." Bex: "Really?"
Back at the Hotel...
MAGA: "There’s so many questions and so many skeletons in the closet... I definitely wouldn’t put a ring on that finger without knowing what I was getting into." Yeah, who KNOWS what might happen if you rashly put a ring on it.
Back on the Date...
Colton talks about how hard it was hiding his virginity on his high school/college football teams: "Growing up in a locker room environment wasn’t the easiest for me... I made up a lot of lies just to fit in... Why didn’t I stand up for the man I am? I’m not waiting for marriage I’m waiting for a heart... I want that to be a gift I give to someone." Worst gift ever.
I call bullshit. No one accidentally stays a virgin/doesn't get around to it, ESPECIALLY when they look like that.
Bex gives him the rose and says: "Perfect ending to a perfect day." THEN THEY BOTH SAY: "Amen amen!"
Blake's freaking out about not getting picked yet: "She has to know this is killing me."
Bex: "Screw the plane!"
MAGA: "She knows I love fun adventure." He's literally a 6-year-old. MAGA: "Last night was the most awkward return... [but] I don’t let things get me down."
MAGA: "The world's not perfect but I think we can be perfect together." She’s now searching for HIS virginity card by prying about his ex-wife. Bex tries to ask casually: "You’re never unhappy... I need depth... Have you dated since then? What other than adventure was there?" MAGA: "She would act out.”
Bex: "Maybe you like the idea of of this?" MAGA with a slow threat: "You’d get a sense." MAGA smart enough to know what to drop this week: "The way you’re fiddling with my shirt right now... I’m beginning to fall in love with you." Bex: "You just made my night." Fuck she must pick him. Bex: "Let’s meet your people."
They go dancing and Blake could not be trying harder to seem like a fun, playful dance man instead of a bundle of insecurity.
In deep talks at drinks, Bex reveals she sympathizes with Eerie now. Bex: "It's crazy." It’s also crazy how I fucked MAGA LITERALLY right over there.
Blake reveals that he got in his head and then tells the most INSANE story of his parents' divorce wherein his mother had an affair with his basketball coach/English teacher and never told the family until she'd moved out. Jesus Christ. To air that shit on national tv is what is actually crazy. He goes on about wanting openness in his new family and then drops the first L-bomb: "Becca I am in love with you." Bex: "You’re going to make my heart burst." He says it again to get the first two I love you's.
Bex has clearly immediately forgotten Blake's family story and gives him rose wanting to "see all the amazing people who raised you." He half smiles.
This is brutalllll. Softcore Porn Leo vs. One Hope Wills vs. Greasy Jason. Worse than two on one. Leo is trying to remain hopeful though he's "so different from this entire group of guys."
They make the group play volleyball because they know this creates drama. Leo tells her: "These other guys offer a lifestyle." And he immediately is dumped and left on an island but he waves which is cute.
One Hope Wills vs. Greasy Ron Pearlman
Getting some Dracula vibes from Jason. I literally can’t think of anything else than this dude's hair gel. Bex is like all their fucking therapists this date. She spends time with both and everyone knows this is just competing for 4th or 5th spot. Wills: "I’m hers in my opinion."
Do we know that was the order they had their time in? I think they switched it. Bex grabs rose. I can't even type it. She sends Wills home. For the greasy man. WHAT WHAT WHAT NOOOOOOOO. The internet is going to be in shambles. We see shadows of the scrambling camera people running. Jason tries to comfort Bex from his own false comfort that he has a chance at the end of this.
But don't worry guys. She still has diversity in her picks. One of the four white dudes left has blonde hair! Do they get computer access once they get to hometowns? Is that when she finds out about MAGA? SOMEONE TELL HER!!!! BYE.