Guys, unfortunately I gotta start off this week's recap with some dark news from my researchers. Lincoln was convicted of indecent assault and battery a week before the premiere aired. This is less fun than the other news I heard which is that he POOPED ON THE FLOOR AT HIS PLACE OF WORK. This AND Pepe-Garrett in one season? Is there a contestant on this show who isn't literally a piece of shit??
On a lighter note-- there's also news about our Waterworld stunt man Leo. He has a small role in a soft core porno called High Heel Homicide. For you and for journalism, I looked this up and watched his scenes. He somehow remains expressionless while banging a woman in a closet for ten hours before she decides to stab him in the tit. His stunts were a 10/10 but good god it's almost as boring as this season of the Bachelorette.
Back to the softest porn of all: The boys are getting cozied up in the mansion. Ron Pearlman wears a onesie. They make Colton say "esstatic" again. Great.
Lord Harrison announces the dates, emphasizing how precious time is in this and how maybe half of them should get injured this episode fighting for it basically.
Colton's nervous because of the Tia sitch: "Becca and I have an obstacle in our way." And she hasn't even gotten to the other giant red flag obstacle about him. Arguably the hardest obstacle to overcome of all. I'm talking about his virginity, guys.
Spa Group Date
Bex meets up with the ladies of her season that are her friends aka going to be on Bachelor in Paradise.
I'm shocked Caroline made the cut. I love that Tia has to admit she thought she’d be Bachelorette and that's probably what Colton also thought.
Everyone meets their options for BIP should they advance to that coveted level.
Bex forgets Jason’s name and it's hilarious but she spends the rest of the episode trying to overcompensate for that.
Colton gets to reunite with his kissing two-night stand.
They’ve now dressed the men in spa worker outfits and they're forced to give pedicures and massages to Bex's friends???
Tinkerbex takes another shot at Eerie: "I love that!" I love her.
Tia tells Bex that Colton is probably there because he thought it would be her. Bex is so drunk she somehow interprets this to be Tia's blessing and a cleansing of all of Colton's motives forever and ever.
Colton reiterates how esstatic he is for Bex.
Model amps up his whole thing: "I think I’m gonna start being extremely implicit with my strategy."
Model tells Bex: "You’re something I want to stand next to." And that's saying something. He's stood next to some of the greatest backdrops in the world.
The Model and the Chicken hilariously fight in front of the other dudes. Chicken calls him fake. Model: "My image is me!!!" He goes on and on about how he's a Wilhelmina model and how that means something and he will not stand for his image to be tarnished. The rest of the dudes are physically trying to hide and it's very endearing.
Pepe Garrett has a bunch of weird shit sticking off his skin. The hate is dripping out. Colton gets the group date rose because everything is dumb in this timeline.
Ron Pearlman One-on-One
They enter a studio where Charlie Sheen is playing piano.
The musician makes Bex and Ron Pearlman "write your love song." We learn that Bex is horrible at singing and that Ron Pearlman does not react well to requests to lay out his feelings. He seems just incredibly nervous but he blames his reaction on his Dad never responding to a letter he wrote him asking to reconnect and therefore he can't put a pen to paper ever again...
Ron Pearlman chokes up his Daddy issues and steps into the recording booth to perform his song. It would be hilarious if he just started screaming, "FUCK YOU DAD FUCK YOU!!!!"
They leave and go to another place and NOOOOOO CHARLIE SHEEN IS SOMEHOW ALSO THERE PLAYING MORE MUSIC.
They make out and Bex gives him roze.................
Back at the Mansion...
The boys are freaking out because there's blood everywhere. THE CHICKEN FELL OUT OF BED AND BROKE HIS FACE. Is this the most embarrassing injury in Bach history? Model is loving it and puts up a new guard rail.
He doesn't like producers' suggestions he punched Chicken: "I wouldn't hurt a fly." Then he winks. Ugh.
Lord H tells Bex what happened.
Football Group Date
Now that we've tasted first blood, the second group date have to play TACKLE FOOTBALL against each other. For no stakes.
They should play the national anthem to really stir some shit up. Lord Harrison cackles evilly throughout the whole game. This feels like a huge insurance risk...
LeoXXX: "I thought I saw a lovely blonde woman walk by. Oh it’s just Mike." I followed her to the closet and already had my pants off before I realized it's just Mikey. The Lovely Woman scores a touchdown. Clay gets a fucking broken wrist and has to go to ER. How could this NOT happen?
Later at Drinks...
Bex chats with Blake and he can't stop saying "Definitely". He starts CRYING, "I'm trying to stay positive... I just want to take a nap with my girlfriend." Oh Jesus. Bex: "You think I’m your girlfriend?"
Bex's boyfriend is Clay though: "He makes me feel like such a princess." She pins the group date rose on his wrist cast.
Everyone nurses their physical and emotional injuries from the day. Clay tells Bex he has to leave the game to have surgery to continue providing for his family. Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
Clay leaves AND we get no rose ceremony? This is fucked up.