I was waiting for a day in this timeline when there wasn't some fresh horror but looks like that's not happening sooooo...
Everything is terrible but at least Bachelor Nation gets to see the Gang travel to Vegas. Flat-Earther/Floor-Pooper/Assault-Batterer Lincoln immediately assaults a pillow in their hotel room. I really don't know which unforgivable descriptor to give him. Colton gets first date.
Omfg they go somewhere called Virgin River to ride camels. Bex is already phoning in the metaphor intros: "Let's get over the humps of our past relationships!"
They have a boring date and Colton "confesses" he got dumped once by his only love. I wonder if this was the gymnast. She was like I'm an Olympic gold-medalist and you're a beige paint swatch, something's not lining up. The producers light up a building that says "KISS HER!" which also happens to randomly face the guys' hotel room windows to let them soak in their jealousy. He gets the rose.
Group Singing Date
Becca wears lingerie to greet the guys. I feel like her clothes don’t fit her personality... They go to Wayne Newton's house. He's a claymation person. He sings to his wife in front of everyone. This is so fucking weird. His eyelids don’t close at the same time.
Back at the Hotel...
Oh god Chicken's eye is still red. Chicken keeps trying to make fun of Model re: his underwear. Model tells him he doesn't care about his underwear. Chicken starts to dip into his favorite thing, gay panic: "I’m starting to get a little weirded out by you saying this." I'm starting to get a little weirded out by my own theory that Chicken is an Incel. Model summarizes his own goal to us: "Delivering my story."
Back on the Group Date...
Claymation Newton makes the guys go separate places in his weird zoo to think of love lyrics for Bex. Shocker, now they have to perform it in front of a live Vegas audience.
They’ve lit the women in the audience so weird. Holy god Venmo Dude is terrible. Ron Pearlman Chris gets more audience participation and thinks he's won the fucking Olympics of life. Ron Pearlman: "I dropped the mic." Ugh he suuuucks.
Back at the hotel... Colton warns Chicken and Model who can't stop bickering: "You both are going to fall out that mountain."
Later at cocktails at a closed hockey rink for some reason...
Leo asks Bex about her work out plan. She makes out with Blake a lot. Bex: "I’m falling in love with Blake."
Bex apologizes that she didn't get to talk to everyone and Blake gets group date rose. Ron Pearlman Chris is PISSED. And drunk. And mad. He starts threatening to leave and says Bex will miss an "opportunity for real fucking love." Where is it tho? Did I miss something that's aired on this show??
Model Vs. Chicken
They're in the desert for no other reason than to replicate the deserting imagery from the most famous 2 on 1, Ashley CrI vs. the Widow of Sanderson Poe. Model: "Chicken's already taking the backseat literally and figuratively." I’m surprised he knows these words.
He seems like he’s about to cry as he tattles harder than he's ever tattled. Chicken thinks he literally just needs to make Model look worse than him: "Jordan talks about models he wants to hook up with... he’s settling when he talks about you."
Bex asks him about settling thing. Model tells sob story: "I come from nothing." And look where he is now! Bex takes time to think about this lose-lose situation while Model threatens to shove his foot up Chicken's "fucking ass."
Bex comes back and dumps Chicken Incel. She doesn’t say bye to him and they drive off.
Back at the Hotel, the guys react. Colton understands this game: Chicken "had the wrong attitude."
Chicken: "She chose a fuckboy clown over a guy with a big heart." Shoulda gone with the sob story chicken...
Back on the Date...
Model only talks about himself and blows it. Bex talks about how she loves "Church on Sunday..." Model shoots off some last gems: "Obviously the gym is a lot... Zoolander is extremely accurate... I wish we could get my portfolio." Bex sends him home and it appears to be his first rejection of his life. This is probably good for Model's character development.
Model: "I’m happy I’m at least a better man than David." K nevermind. The lady’s smug face as she takes Model’s bag away is worth this whole show.
People are gossipping about Ron Pearlman Chris: "If someone pushes his buttons I think he’ll blow up." Right where bach wants everyone. MAGArrett: "Obviously that comment didn’t go up to plan." Someone else: "She wants someone who’s emotionally stable."
Ron Pearlman complains to Bex about time. She says he should've talked to her. Ron Pearlman is disheartened: "I saw the look on her eyes it was disgust." Ron Pearlman then STEALS BEX FROM ONLY HOPE WILLS. Wills resists. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a moment like this last this long. Becca should fucking say something BUT I GUESS OLD GENDER ROLES STILL APPLY. Wills gives Ron Pearlman a minute and then grabs Bex back. Only Hope Wills is a pro and switches subject quickly back to them. He leaves and says to Ron Pearlman: "What’s up baby?" I am deeply attracted to Wills rn.
Ron Pearlman bitches some more. Wills: "I didn't have to get up at all."
The rest of the guys start fighting. Wills jumps up to leave. He’s playing this perfectly. Let these four implode on each other. Why don’t they speak in phrases that exist?? Someone: "Then that’s so be it." Lord Harrison ends cocktail party.
Bex sends home Nice Venmo Man and keeps Unstable Ron Pearlman, Floor-Pooper Lincoln, and even that one 25-yr-old dude who threw that picture frame into the pool.
SEE Y'ALL TONIGHT FOR MORE OF THIS NONSENSE!!!