By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 10 (Air Date: 7/15/19)
Here we gooooo. Fantasy Suites in Crete with FOUR PLAYERS. Never been done. Alabama Hama does interpretive dancing to warm up for these dick Olympics .
Pilot PETER FANTASY SUITE
Hama sings a song about how she's going to bang Peter. PP Titanics Hama on a boat. PP: "I'm the king of the world!" Hama: "And I'm the queen." PP: "This is a dream." Hama lays on top of him and they talk about how real this is. PP: "Do you know how much I like you?" Hama mentions how he matches all her Barbie Doll dreams about what a perfect man is. We get some powerful imagery of the sail flying up. Banging is a GO!
PP: "It's been a long time for me to express love to somebody else." Two weeks? PP tries to work up the courage to tell her he loves her. Hama: "It's hard but it's magical and amazing at the same time." 2 of her Final Four dumped their girlfriends to go on the show.
PP: "You inspire me. You push me. You challenge me… The way you make me feel comfortable to be my true self. It made me realize how in love with you I am and it's the greatest feeling ever." This is fucked up. I wanna know the timeline of what he told her. He unlocks the Fantasy Suite card by punching in that new Love Level. Their Fantasy Suite is in the WINDMILL!!!
They open a box and it's filled with melted condoms as a callback to his car idiocy. @bachelorclues: "Treasure chest condoms."
The Next Morning…
Hama: "If Peter was a Greek god he'd be Zeus." The god who raped everyone? PP: "We came together… We are one now." He leaves in terrible army pants. PP: "Mic dropped. Game over. Hannah's mine." They used at least two of the condoms.
TYLER FANTASY SUIT
Tyler: "I'm ready to propose and get down on one knee." Hama says he's the one she can relax with: "He's this Greek god of a man but also sweet and kind." They get massages and discuss Hometowns. Ty: "You're making it hard for me to relax. I just want to pounce on that table." He's got two moves: seeming genuine and dat bod. They both working.
Tyler switches places with the masseuse without Hama knowing. This is some Revenge of the Nerds shit (a guy fucks a girl while she thinks he's her boyfriend).
Hama: "Physical intimacy with Tyler is not an issue... Our emotional connection needs to catch up."
Hama pulls out the Fantasy Suite Card and says she doesn’t want to bang him. Hama: "I don't want to go into the Fantasy Suite and have sex… that's not what this relationship needs." Tyler makes up for his weird earlier massage switcheroo and tells her that he loves her and only wants to do what she's comfortable with. Hama: "it didn't phase him... it shows how much he loves me. He celebrates my boundaries."
THE NEXT MORNING
There's non-sexual seagull imagery. Tyler with the LINES: "You're the last person I want to wake up with." Hama reiterates that they didn’t fuck: "He's the most respectful man ever. Ever." It's not that hard to not fuck someone?? This is so confusing. Also sad. Hama starts crying. It's starting to hit her she can't keep all these dudes.
ASPIRING MUSICIAN FANTASY SUITe
They're at a random Greek family gathering and there are competing musicians. AspMus does NOT steal the lute from the strangers though. Rando: "You look fully in love." This chick in sunglasses however, the Jorge Moreno Bystander of the Week winner, GRILLS Hama: "How will you decide?" Hama babbles.
AspMus pulls Hama aside and asks how she can consider Luke when she's so amazing. I wonder if this is his attempt to self-sabotage to be next Bachelor. Hama: "Like how honest do you want me to be?" YIKES. "I do think he's here for me. There is a connection… I do think he's a good guy... I've seen sides of him that I know y'all haven't seen." They kiss. AspMus: "I don't want to see her give attention to someone who might hurt her." LOLOLOL. He's accusing Shower Jesus of being there 4TWR instead of 4TRR but HE'S 4TWR.
AspMus hasn't played a single song this entire fucking date. He's serious now. Hama: "Here's to being honest and sharing our feelings even when it's hard." AspMus tells her "It makes me feel worried you have a hard time letting go of things that aren't good for you in your life." Hama: "I don't want that affecting how you feel about me." AspMus negs her: "It says a lot about your decisions. He's been toxic to this process for you and for everyone else. When I feel worried I feel like I retract how I feel." She gets up, upset: "I do not want to do this anymore." AspMus grabs her waist. He walks it back. THIS IS MY PLAY OF THE GAME. AspMus: "I just freaking care. I just really care. I trust your decisions. I have your back." Hama gives him Fantasy Suite Card because "he didn't run away."
They banged. AspMus: "I'm more sure about you than I've ever been." Hama: "I'm more sure about you Mr. Jed Wyatt." AspMus: "I feel like I just came off the best sleepover ever." Hama: "We didn't sleep a wink."
SHOWER JESUS FANTASY SUITE
Shower Jesus's wearing the biggest bling cross necklace. They start the date at a Church and get in a helicopter. Hama: "It would be fun if we could swing from a ladder." SJ: "I love your imagination!" K. Hama: "He's still the best kisser. I don't know what his Church is teaching him."
Shower Jesus stuns us with one of the alltime best Bachelor dates. He starts monologuing in a sociopathic way: "Forever shouldn't be taken lightly… You've been the spiritual leader in your household... You know how that is. It's not the easiest all the time. But I'm so ready to make history in my family." Wait, what?? SJ: "I want to make sure from now on things are known how they're supposed to be. So let's talk about sex!"
SJ: "Sex is an incredible thing and it's a beautiful thing. Well, only, when it's within the guidelines of marriage. This whole process I've been studying Hebrews. The marriage bed should be kept pure."
SJ: "I know you're not a virgin... I've been abstaining for 3.5, 4 years... I am saving myself for marriage. I'm very confident we're on the same page with our morals. I want to hear it from your mouth. There's a lot of people who say they believe in some things but live and do things completely differently. I've heard people proclaim their faith. But then they're like 'I want to explore this on a sexual intimate level.' Excuse me? That's not something you should be doing. I totally have all the trust in the world for you. If you had sex with one or more of these guys I would go home 100%."
Hama starts to go off: "Sex is a very big deal to me... I've had sex with two people in my life. Relationships I thought were going to be my husband. Some of the things you said I don't agree with at all. Honestly I'm kinda mad... Why do you have the right to do that? You're not my husband."
SJ: "Can I cut you off for a second?" Hama: "You're questioning me and judging me and feeling like you have the right to when you don't at this point. Sex might be a sin. Pride is a sin too." SJ tries to walk it back completely: "I do want to take a step back to things I've said already... Let's say I am the last date. Throw out a crazy scenario. Let's say you've had sex with all these guys. I don't have the right to ask you." Let's throw out a crazy scenario. Let's say you're on a gameshow and this is the week where you fuck all the dudes and you fucked all the dudes.
Hama: "You did ask. I'm a grown woman and can make my own decisions. I'm not strapped to a man right now." SJ utilizes his main move that hasn't failed him yet, gaslighting the fuck out of her: "This is misconstrued." Hama: "It's what you said." SJ: "I can understand a slipup but like with all of them?" Hama: "The words you're saying are really not OK. The closest thing I've ever felt to love at first sight was probably with you."
Hama rips into him while he keeps trying to cut in: "And our relationship from the beginning gave me so much hope and then it was all this bullshit kept happening. Honestly you have already broken my heart through this. And I've broken my own heart because I've allowed everything. To ignore all the red flags for how I feel to have this. And to have you say this about me? And to make me think you'd look at me any differently? You're holding other people to a standard that you don't even live by. I could’ve x'ed you off so many times. I want somebody who can get along with people who doesn't have pride issues. There's so many things I want from a husband that you haven't shown. So it's like oh my gosh that’s a big fuck you... You don't own me. You don't get to decide what I can and can't do. Oh my god. Who are you again?... I know that I have God in my heart so I know everything I do and who I am is light. Do I make mistakes? I'm not Jesus. You've not shown respect for any of the guys and now I see it. I know that I have given this my all… I prayed so much for clarity and I feel like I've finally gotten clarity on you and I do not want you to be my husband."
SJ: "can you give me a chance to speak?"
H: "I have the clarity." Hama stands up. He refuses to get out. H: "It's over come on." There’s a literal hurricane behind them.
SJ: "I feel like you owe me a minute to share." Hama: "I don't owe you anything. Omg I can't believe you just said that I'm so mad. I don't owe you anything at this point. Do you not understand that? I have bent over backwards for this relationship. I don't owe you anything. Please get up." SJ: "Can you please just give me one minute Hannah? There's something in me that's refusing to get in that vehicle." THIS IS SCARY!!!!
Hama: "I have had sex." SJ: "Say what?" Hama: "Yeah. And Jesus still loves me." He does crazy eyes. Hama: "I didn't just go to the fantasy suite. I fucked in a windmill. And guess what, we did it a second time." Hama: "My husband would never say what you just said to me." He looks like he's going to punch her in the fucking face. Shower Jesus tries to get in a few minutes of religious overtime: "Can I pray over you before I leave?" Hama: "No!" He finally leaves and she flips off his limo.
Catharsis. I can't believe this was on a Primetime TV show in 2019. Bye.