By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 9 (Air Date: 7/08/19)
It's the first round of playoffs, baby! Hometowns! The Players who are left have gone through a series of physical and mental challenges and now most of the Floaters are gone. They're only going against the best of the best.
Pilot Pete Hometown
Pilot Pete drives Hama in his douchey car and she searches his glove compartment. She finds a fucking condom. Either, he's banging with melted condoms all over the world and probably has countless international kids or THAT'S how close to him leaving for the show that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend. Why would he not clean out his glove compartment if they're using it in a segment? He also reacts to her discovering it in a very dark way: "Don’t put that on camera. Fucking stop that’s so bad." Is there a darker side to Pete? This is my Error of the Game.
Pilot Pete takes Hama flying in California. Pro move. Hama: "I feel like when I was little playing with my Barbie Dolls, Peter was the guy." She loves simple white men with simple jobs that had their set Barbie outfits. He tells her he's falling for her "like crazy."
They fly over Bachelor mansion. Now they fly over his family standing in the road.
Hama meets PP's Fam
Hama tells them how she's forced Peter to change and open up. They do a traditional family cheers of screaming in German about their feast. Hama likes it because it's prayer adjacent. PP does a toast to his dead grandparents and starts crying.
PP's bro says PP is a cuck. PP's parents ask if either has dropped the L-bomb. Hama explains they're on that track.
Pilot Pete chats with his Mom. She asks if she makes his heart go "ting ting ting". PP confesses to his Mom that he's in love with her. He looks a lot like Nick Vile rn.
PP's Dad has strong Sam Elliott vibes, has brought out his best Jesus necklace for Alabama Hama, and starts crying when they're talking.
While PP's parents notice their connection, Pilot Pete can't get it together to tell Hama he loves her at the end when they're by the limo. A second PP error in this week's Game. Nothing but nothing but net.
Tyler's got lines: "You're outshining Jupiter now but it’s beautiful." Hama lathers him up. Tyler: "Behave now." THIS IS OUT YOU GET 800K IG FOLLOWERS PEOPLE.
Hama: "Tyler lives in a Paradise. The future is this." Oh no, honey. That's not how this works. Your future is LA. Tyler reinforces his PTC on Hometown-- that he left his Dad sick when he went on the show. Hama jumps into his arms dirty dancing style.
Hama Meets Tyler's Parents
Tyler's Dad seems kind of OK. He says he hasn't seen Tyler so happy in a long time.
Tyler's bros tell Hama that Tyler's definitely ready for marriage after dealing with his sick Dad. Tyler tells his Mom he could see himself proposing. He reiterates his same Love Levels with Hama: he's "falling in love" with her. (last week he "felt he was falling")
When it comes to the limo goodbye, Tyler grabs Hama and gets her to mount him in the limo in my PLAY OF THE GAME. That's the image of the night you're leaving her with. Driver in the car during the dry hump be damned! That's my MVP.
Shower Jesus Hometown
They huju. Shower Jesus: "Every Sunday before Church we have Sunday school." Hama's excited for this nightmare. Hama: "Luke is a jigsaw puzzle for me. Like I've got the corners down." Lol. Jesus famously was all corners.
SHOWER JESUS SUNDAY SCHOOL
Shower Jesus gives a speech to a ton of pasty white kids who he has indoctrinated into his cult already. He further elaborates on his PTC, discovering Jesus while he was soaking after years of "chasing sex... This huge weight had lifted off of me. This hole opened up. The holy spirit coming to me and convicting me... Anything negative in your life, God is going to use it for a positive." It reallllllly does sound like something sexual happened in that shower. Now he calls Hama up to the front of Sunday School. Shower Jesus: "I thank God for you."
Hama: "Luke really lives his faith." He's living something. Now they break up into small discussion groups. Shower Jesus's friends assure her that he's "the nicest guy." But does she buy it?!!?! Hama: "It was nice for me to also be affirmed." Oof. They all touch Luke and pray for them as a couple: "Lift them up to be vessels for your gospel."
Hama Meets Shower Jesus's Fam
All of his family have mysterious injuries. But also no one dies. His great grandma is alive. Hama explains how Shower Jesus has struggled to get along with the other guys and they've had a hard time 3 of their 4 weeks together. Mama Shower Jesus and Papa Shower Jesus are STUNNED because everyone loves him. Someone: "why is he here?"
Shower Jesus tells his Dad he thinks he's going to win and tells his Mom he's in love. "I see Mrs. Parker." SHE WILL TAKE MY MOTHERFUCKING NAME. Shower Dad assures Hama he's totally ready for an engagement. He's rulllll creepy. SJ to his Mom who looks like his sister: "I can look you in the eyes and tell you when I look her in the eyes I love her."
Shower Jesus apologizes to Hama for "everything" or whatever. "I love you." They make out. @bachelorclues: "that's a swish."
Hama: "It felt really good and my heart did little flutteries. I've fallen in love with him. I'm falling in love with Luke."
Aspiring Musician's Hometown
The show Twitter tweeted this ad: we're going to get another FUCKING song. It's a spoiler but not a spoiler. I WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE WATCHING THIS.
Hama does a huju in a dress. That's how you get pregnant. First stop? Aspiring Musician takes Hama to the recording studio so that she can further help promote him with a collaboration of course! They write a song about their story that they can one day professionally record and get those streams.
Apparently on day one he said a pre-written line: "You shine on the outside. I can't wait to see if you shine on the inside." They bring up one of their cute inside jokes stolen from that old couple they met in the Netherlands -- "You're written in the stars."
After they finish collabing, AspMus rewards Hama with a new Love Level. "You ever feel like you can't say something and you have to? I love you." AspMus is a fucking pro. He knows he has to up his Love Levels. His "heart is beating so fast." @bachelorclues: "He's about to take a bigger step in that lie."
Hama meets AspMus's Fam
AspMus's parents put on a helluva Hometown show. AspMus "rips a toast." AspMus Mom: "Here's to trusting your truth... When you stick to your truth it's beneficial to everybody." Dun dun duuuuun!
His Mom expresses skepticism to him about a proposal. AspMus tells them his feelings are real. Hama: "he dated a girl for a long time..." Gimme them TIMELINE DEETS. WHO KNOWS!!!! NAME NAMES!!!!!~ Hama tells AspMus's Mom that he's the only one she's told she's falling in love with. She's going to fucking pick him.
AspMus Mom: "You don't get a diploma to be a musician." Ya can't possibly study your craft. When you're a musician, skyrocketting on Instagram is really the only way to go! AspMus's Mom tries to warn Hama, saying that he's really mostly focused on music. "Music" is awfully close to his "Current Other Girlfriend" aka "Lipstick & Lyrics." Mom: "I'm surprised... I think this is crazy." Hama thanks all three of them facing her on the couch.
AspMus competes with Shower Jesus for biggest sociopath status when he says "Toodaloo!" to his family.
Hama struggles: "I am there with Peter I am there with Tyler I am there with Luke I am there with Jed." They're back at the mansion for Roze. Lord Harrison, menacingly: "Welcome Home." Very Hunger Games. Hama's hoping she can wing it because everyone's on the same level.
Winging it doesn't go so well. I thought Pilot Pete was going home and he gets first rose. Roze for Tyler. She leaves. The boys rally around AspMus, their pick for Fantasy Suites, and talk shit about Shower Jesus right in front of him. Tyler: "You got this Jed. It'll be complete balogna if you don't get a rose." My favorite themes are the ones that punch me in the dick.
Hama sobs in a closet to Lord H that there's not enough time. "I'm going to close a door on a relationship that's not done." THEY GIVE HER TWO FUCKING ROSES. HELL, IF THIS KEEPS LUKE IN TO FANTASY SUITES, YOU CAN HAVE MILLIONS OF ROSES HAMA.
The fucking gall of AspMus to glare at Shower Jesus. You're both monsters. AspMus: "It feels like it was really hard to decide between me and a total scumbag. He's been a toxin. To feel like a toss up between him and me now." Feels like he REALLY cares about Hama.