By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 12 (Air Date: 7/29/19)
It's a live four-hour Superbowl Finale folks. We got the jewel-toned ladies thirsty for human misery sitting behind Lord Harrison to prove it.
It's so brutal to do Rose Ceremonies when there's this few people left-- I love it. Alabama Hama: "I have three amazing men standing in front of me." Nope. "This is hard for me because I'm not only breaking somebody else's heart I'm breaking my heart."
She dumps Pilot Pete. She blew up one mine! One remaining. @bachelorclues: "It was the rubber that I found in your car!" Hama cries to him and brings up her Barbies again and how they wanted a man like him. Pilot Pete: "You will always have a piece of my heart." Didn't you just say you loved her? Shouldn't that be your whole heart? She walks him out he cries in her arms. @bachelorclues: "He got there."
PP's Limo Exit Interview/Audition for Bachelor: "It hurts like a bitch. I will never forget this journey... I fell in love with her and I swear I don't regret anything. I know I have a ton of love to give and I thought it was Hannah." He nailed all the key points in his exit interview. 1) PRAISE THE PROCESS. 2) Express Victimhood. 3) Inadvertently still be there 4TRR. Also express closure-- doesn't blame Hannah.
Pilot Pete in Hot Seat
Lord H grills him on the breakup: "I can tell you were very much in love with Hannah... You were having trouble watching that. You turned your head away at times... I see the tears in your eyes." I'm trying to clockwork orange you Pilot Pete. Don't you DARE look away.
They're trying to make this public humiliation more OK by flying in his parents. His Mom starts crying. Lord H does NOT grill him about or even TOUCH ON the whole, dumping the ex-girlfriend to go on the show thing. Has Tyler transcended The Bachelor (Hot Peter from Rachel's season-style) and has refused to do it and their backup plan is PP???
Hama and PP in Hot Seat
Hama basically says he was too late with the "I love you." Hama: "It was very passionate." Everyone screams and cheers and even Pete's Mom is clapping. @bachelorclues: "The Mom is celebrating because her son can fuck." Hama reveals that she misspoke about the windmill, that it wasn't two times, "it was actually four times!" The crowd FUCKING LOSES IT for this "feminist icon." Lord Harrison stands up and salutes PP for his good dick. Lord H: " Peter's Dad's-- his chest just puffed up, 'That's my boy!' Somewhere Luke P's heart just exploded." One last shot at Shower Jesus to absolve the show of his aggressive misogyny.
Pilot Pete: "And Jesus still loves both of us. Amen." Jesus fucking Christ.
Tyler Meets Parents
It should be noted here that Tyler SHATTERED previous Bachelor contestant IG records for someone who hasn't gotten the Crown yet (been announced the next Bachelor or Bachelorette). He's captivated a nation. Bachelor nation. My research staff is telling me there's some goss about him and Gigi Hadid which would elevate this entire franchise. Not only can you go on to make a lucrative Instagram career for yourself, but date a super model? Technically, Wells Adams pioneered this strategy with Sarah Hyland.
We finally meet the Mom and Dad that forced their daughter into pageants and Jesus and into putting all men on the planet's needs above her own. Hama's Dad has an aggressive goattee. Her sister has gigantic cross earrings. Tracks.
Tyler fucking NAILS the parent interview: "You guys should be so proud of this girl-- the way she's conducted herself." She tells them Tyler did ballet and Hama's Mom demands that Hama show off her own pirouette on the spot. Still a prop child to Ma.
Hama's Mom: "In our family it's one and done." Even if you can't even communicate with your spouse and you hate their guts, you don't get divorced and remarried. ONE AND DONE.
Tyler to Hama's Controlling Father: "I want her to lead my family in faith." Aka the password to date Hannah.
Hama tells Tyler: "I know that I'm falling in love with you." Hama's confessional: "I've never been this excited about Tyler." WUT? HE'S PITCHED A PERFECT NO-HITTER WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HAVEN'T BEEN THAT EXCITED?
AspMus and Family
Aspiring Musician comes in after Tyler's 11/10 performance with this absolute clunker: "I'm a hugger." Hama's parents instantly start grilling him about his finances and he defends his "Dogfood Jingle."
Hama defends him to her parents: "He has qualities!" LOL. Her Mom: "Have you thought about the lifestyle? You should be loved how you deserve to be loved." AKA as my hottest daughter, you deserve to be showered in cash.
Hama's Controlling Dad makes fun of the Dogfood Jingle to Hama. Controller: "The man of the house still has his obligations too. He shouldn't depend on the woman--I'm not saying he would. As the man of my house I need to know what the man of your house is going to do." GROOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HOW IS THIS ON TV IN 2019????? I want to throw the television through the fucking wall. That goatee contains darkness.
Hama storms off by the sea. Jed tries to cheer her up. Hama: "Fuck me! This is why you don't date two people at the same time."
Tyler Day Date
They go horseback riding and talk about how her Dad loved him. Tyler's horse is the only character that's not completely obsessed with him.
Tyler Night Date
Hama talks about "Proposal Day." Presumptuous. Tyler: "I'm beside myself I'm so happy. These feelings I don't ever want to lose them... You make me the happiest I've ever been and I don't ever see them changing." No matter what supermodels have slid into my dm's.
Aspiring Musician's Boat Date
Hama gets seasick on a boat and says, "I don't know if I like all these rocky waters." It's a metaphor guys. Aspiring Musician is still reeling from defending his Dogfood Jingle: "Your Dad didn't believe in me. I was sad. It messed with my head." WE DON'T GET TO HEAR A SAD JINGLE ABOUT THIS THOUGH. HE'S BEEN CUT OFF AT THE BAR OF MUSIC.
Aspiring Musician's Night Date
Aspiring Musician tells Hama he's anxious and reassures her that he would've loved her even if he met her not on The Bachelorette. I SWEAR TO GOD, I would've lied to and cheated on my girlfriend the exact same way if I'd met you in a club! For real!
We get a To Be Continued because they OWN US and they keep showing us a clip of Hama emotionally freaking out and eating shit. She's so real. Bye.