By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 1 (Air Date: 5/13/19)
It's very cool to write about the current Bachelorette, Miss Alabama Hama, during the week that Alabama outlaws abortion. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah. They say Roll Tide a hundred million times and in my mind it automatically replaces each time as "under his eye."
They seem to be really trying to sell her as the "Real" Bachelorette. "She's real. She's not a movie star." She's a real silly willy! She awkwardly walks through a field caressing the grass like in Gladiator. Hama: "I don't know what to do with my hands!" Bless this ham.
They film Lord Harrison telling Hama she's the Bachelorette and she cries. â
All the guys are doing selfie videos now. God this season is so real! A shirtless man Tyler dances around a construction site. There's a pilot named Peter who's hot.
There's a roided out dude Luke. Luke: " I like to think I'm a good looking man. A lot of girls in college thought so too and I definitely took advantage of that." V cool assault-adjacent vibes. He says that he used to slay in college but then one day in the shower he found Jesus and Jesus told him to stop being such a fucking slut.
âThere's a guy coming from a deaf family and they show him telling them he's going to LA. Oof. Chad: "Please let him make it to hometowns." A man who calls himself "Box King Joe" does an infomercial on boxes: "I got a box for that."
The parade of white clowns begins. Golf pro Garrett: "I want to be your hole-in-one."
There's some lunatic who jumps on the limo to represent Hannah Beast. Check. Oh it's Jesus Shower Luke!
One of the Connors jumps over the fence to represent Dolton. Check.
A Talent Manager Devin also reps Dolton: "I'm a virgin." Check. Then he takes it back? I'm a virgin. JK. I fuck.
Box Idiot Joe delivers himself in a box on a forklift. Someone tries to birdbox Hama with a tie. There's a dude who is political consultant looks like Nick Viall. Season 50 baby! Made it!
LOL the two hot pilots are so pissed realizing there's another hot pilot.
Jesus Shower is the First Responder, grabbing Hama, and revealing that he's from Jacksonville. Jesus Shower: "I don't know you all that well but I'm seriously really into you." I don't know you all that well but there's just something about you that makes me want to take advantage of you? Does that makes any sense?
Connor J gives her a Bachelorette party. Singing Cam who already has a rose: "Seeing as this is our second date, may I kiss you Hannah?" Consent?! GET OUT. He gets first kiss.
Jed plays guitar for her and sings. Hama: "I have a total crush on Jed." Box Idiot to Hama: "Is that the biggest package you've ever seen?"
Jailbait Demi and Katie who I already forgot are here to secure their spots in BIP I mean, "help" Hama by watching her conversations on a screen from a van in the driveway. They spot the guy that they had intel had a girlfriend. Then they tell Hama. Why didn't they just tell her before? It's not like they didn't already know who he was? This is stupid. Hama pulls the Wrong Reasons Offender aside.
She asks if he was just dating someone. Wrong Reasons: "You just dated Colton." His obvious argument, that she's simultaneously dating 30 others in front of his face, escapes him.
Hama asks him to leave and then talks to the boys, mostly Connors. "âIf there's anybody else who has something back home, please leave now. I need a second because that was totally ridiculous." Hama goes out to pool and starts crying. Love to see tears on Night 1.
Some cretin: "That definitely kills the mood for the night." Shower Jesus goes after her and comforts her.
Male vocal fry Connor S. kisses her but Shower Jesus gets the FIMP Rose.
Some of the guys didn't get to talk to her at all after their limo arrivals because of "Wrong Reasons" drama. Someone: "Not having that time really is a bullet in the foot." I am the Hemingway of this season is what I'm saying.
Roses for: Mike, Connor S, Matthew, Connor J, Jed, Dustin, Joey, Devin, Peter, Dylan, Matteo, Jonathan, Tyler C., Tyler G., Daron, Luke S., Garrett, Grant, Kevin, and John Paul Jones, along with Singing Cam and Shower Jesus. I just now realize there are two Lukes. Goodbye Box Idiot. The hot pilot who came without uniform goes home. Ya gotta have a gimmick! They're giving him the Grocery Joe edit. "She's such a perfect girl. Inside and out. I can't stress enough how happy I am for her. Really." He starts crying.
Preview of Season: I'm very underwhelmed. Also shocked there were no clips of a male pageant.