By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 4 (Air Date: 6/03/19)
Lord Harrison tells them they're leaving LA: "You're going to the smallest state in the union. But it's where the rich and powerful play. You're going to Newport, Rhode Island!" All the players pretend to know what the fuck Newport Rhode Island is. One guy yells: "NewPORT!" That random creepy Virginia town paid 500K for their ad last season. I wonder if the town advertisement rate has gone up. â
They go to Newport, Rhode Island.
The guys are trapped in some shitty resort called Gurneys. This is the worst location. You're at the beach but also, it's freezing. There's nothing to do there so Hama's first date is in Boston.
Aspiring Musician One-on-One
Hama gives Aspiring Musician Jed an insane tour of Boston where she makes up facts about the city and doesn't give a shit about what the actual monuments are. Hama: "Today's all about fun. Fun and America."
Hama: "I don't feel like I have to be showboaty around him." She's wearing a leather studded jacket and giving him a chipper fake tour of the city. Oh god they go to the Cheers bar. Jed Danson. There's a bunch of randos who stare at them over a beer. The audio is terrible and the randos chant until they kiss. This is a nightmare. Hama: "Today has been a crash course in Boston." Completely making up its history.
Now they do a LITERAL FUCKING AD FOR HALO TOP. THIS SHIT HAS NEVER BEEN SO BLATANT. They do a scripted scene. Hama: "Chocolate chip cookie dough!" Uninspired Aspiring Musician: "It's your favorite." They don't say the name Halo Top but there is a PAID FUCKING ACTOR HANDING THEM THE ICE CREAM WITH THE LABEL FACING OUT. Imagining this marketing conversation. Oh it'll be really subtle if they just don't say the name HaloTop. Jesus fucking christ. Hama: "I could eat this whole pint right now!" I truly hate myself for being so into this show.
Now they go to the Celtics stadium and play with two basketball players. Hama continues to not be showboaty at all, screaming and cartwheeling all over the court. Jed tickles Hama's armpits. Hama scores and does a cartwheel. Then she grinds into Aspiring Musician's dick.
Now she asks this random basketball player that she just met what she should look for in a partner. When they leave, Hama screams, "Y'ALL ARE AWESOME!" to the basketball players in the corny tone of a summer camp coach teaching little children to swim. She does a basketball huju. Now there's a "real commericial" for Halotop. The actor is the same dude who handed them the ice cream on the date and he plays opposite infamous actor, Nick Viall. Btw if you haven't caught it, I HIGHLY recommend watching Viall's work in the TV movie "The Christmas Cruise." It's honestly the worst thing I've ever seen and I've been watching The Bachelor franchise since I was 12. Looks like he's moved on to just doing commercials that air during the Bachelor.
Later at Drinks...
Aspiring Musician confesses to Hama how much he loves music and that his "first thought was this is a huge platform. I want you to know the truth." Interesting Wrong Reasons Strategy! Hama: "How can you get from opportunity for music to marriage?" Wait you didn't sing that song coming out of the limo for love???? Wait a second!!!!
Aspiring Musician pulls out his best bullshit: "There's a comfort that comes from you. A lot is in your voice. And in your touch. I feel something growing inside me that I've never felt before. I'm starting to believe that I'm falling for you. It's beyond a show at this point. Because I know all I would ever need is you." There's something growing inside me. It's either an ulcer or love for you, TBD. She starts CRYING??????????? She gives him rose.
They do a traditional Wall Makeout.
Rugby Group Date
These rugby players introduce how all the players are gonna beat the shit out of each other on this group date: "We've seen people breaking their legs. You get smashed and you smash somebody and that's how you play rugby."
Hama: "this is so hot!" This is the Bachelorette America deserves. Hama: "My number one thing is for people to have fun and be safe." That's why I'm having them play a no-pad contact sport. Omg the ref grabs Hama it's so creepy.
Women in the crowd chant, "kill him!" That's finding love! Now Kevin needs a medic: "I think I dislocated my shoulder." A bunch of women take pictures of him getting in the ambulance lol.
The game continues of course! Shower Jesus Luke picks up Other Luke and throws him on the ground. Shower Jesus immediately: "That was self defense!" The other guys to Other Luke: "He kneed you in the face... It's about how you respond to it." Other Luke: "He's so full of shit that it's coming out of his ears. He's an unstable guy and he shouldn't be here." Then he says it to Shower Jesus's face: "Everyone in here thinks you're nuts."
Later at drinks...
Hama updates them on injured Tyler: "He's in the hospital but he's OK." Anyway those of you have made it past that get to continue on. Physical challenge during the day, emotional challenge at night. Shower Jesus's steroid use is less helpful in the emotional challenge portion.
Hama asks Shower Jesus if he's had other problems with the other players. Shower Jesus goes in on Other Luke: "I've seen red flags come up. He's always talking about his brand and his liquor company and never talking about you. I would never lie to you."
Hama confronts Other Luke. He says that Shower Jesus attacked him and that everyone in the house has a problem with him. She asks about Shower Jesus's liquor-promotion-accustation. He starts crying.
Everyone in the house talks shit on Shower Jesus. Tyler has a gigantic sling now but it's unaddressed. Mike goes after Shower Jesus: "You're taking my time with the woman I'm trying to get to know. You're laughing because you're a psychopath." Mike reclaims his time. Shower Jesus admits that he blacked out and then reverses, that he's "seeing back to his memory". Shower Jesus is giving major Brett Kavanaugh vibes. Side note, people on Twitter are campaigning for Mike to be the first Black Bachelor, because of course he can't possibly win.
Golf Garrett tells Hama he's crushing on her. The producers have each of the players get up one by one (including injured guy who takes a while to get up) until it's just both Lukes facing each other. Why would they both stay? They wouldn't. The producers are forcing a showdown.
Shower Jesus vs. Other Luke
Other Luke: "Do you know everyone in here thinks you're nuts? How do you feel about that? You're giving me that same glazed look you gave me on the field. It makes me so angry that I have to defend myself over some garbage fed to her by some psychopath. I never want to see you in my life. Seriously."
Shower Jesus: "I really hope you turn around. All I've done is respect you." The gaslighting is insane.
Other Luke: "I cant wait til you're off this show. Fuck that guy. Seriously fuck that guy. He's a liar and he'll do anything to save his skin." I feel like any of his Shower Jesus quotes could be about Trump. Other Luke is in the right but he IS taking himself down with this one. Golf Garrett gets the group date rose.
Tyler C One-on-One
Back in Newport, Hama's in a winter jacket sobbing on the wharf. She admits she had the strongest feelings for Shower Jesus (he DID get the FIMP rose) and she's questioning herself. No shit. She keeps crying but the show must go on. A sadness seagull flies by.
She's contracted to continue going on dates. She and Tyler go lobster fishing and say scripted lines like, "you're a great catch." Tyler calls himself a "big time griller big time chiller."
Later at Drinks...
Chill Tyler plays his PTC (Personal Tragedy Card): "My pops almost died two months before I came out here. He was in a coma for ten days. I had to sign away his rights. He said Tyler 'this is your girl.' I'm not here for the Bachelorette I'm here for Hannah.â" She rewards him with the rose and they go to a random date-ending concert. Hama: "Do you know Jake Owen?" I've never known anyone who's ever performed at one of these. @bachelorclues: "It would be amazing if it was Jed."
Someone says: "this is an alpha house" upon entering the frat. Pilot Pete asks Hama to be his girlfriend: "Am I the first one? That counts for something?" I get points for that right?? Now they do a girlfriend/boyfriend make out.
Hama chats with Mike. He says something that sounds nice but I feel weird about: "Of course I don't want to see a woman cry." They zoom in on a face in the stained glass.
Mike confronts Shower Jesus: "You're the cause of her not being happier right now." Shower Jesus: "Actually I'm not the cause. Luke P is the cause." Now he physically re-enacts the tackle: "It was a piece of my shin that caught his shoulder. You're telling me the sky is red but I know it's blue." GASLIGHT JESUS: "I've done absolutely nothing negative." Mike: "You are a psychopath. Thats what you are."
In Shower Jesus's confessional he holds up his phone for the camera. They get an insert shot of the wikipedia definition of psychopath. Shower Jesus: "This is the definition of psychopath. That's the complete opposite of me."
Hama pulls Other Luke: "I grew up with two parents that were social workers and they raised me to have the highest moral fiber." Hama: "I see both sides." Yes Hama. Very fine people on both sides.
Other Luke tells Shower Jesus to tell Hama that he was lying. I must admit Shower Jesus is a lot more skilled in this shit than I thought. He tells Hama that Other Luke told him to "put in a good word for him."
Other Luke: "I can't believe I got outsmarted by you. I am so angry that this happened." Hama calls them both for an one-the-spot two-on-one.
TO BE CONTINUED. Guess that means next week's gonna be Lukeless.