By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 5 (Air Date: 6/11/19)
We're back at the Cocktail Party. Hama calls the Lukes for a two-on-one. "I want to hear you guys talk to each other about this. No not to me to him." It goes poorly. She should not be a mediator.
Other Luke: "Luke you made up a baldfaced lie about me promoting my tequila company which doesn't even exist yet. Decided to tell Hannah to sabotage me." Shower Jesus: "I don't see a fit for Hannah." Other Luke: "Oh so you're speaking for her now?"
Hama walks away. She goes to a fireplace to ponder. Shower Jesus says he's been honest. Other Luke: "Is that why you kneed me in the head? You're so full of shit. You got it coming out of your ears." He's used this phrase several times. I wonder if he's ever consulted for a politician who won. Lord Harrison announces the party is over. The guys are once again pissed at Shower Jesus.
They're in a medieval goth church filled with candles. Someone: she might keep either one Luke or both Lukes or no Lukes. GREAT INSIGHT, SOMEONE. Hama comes in and Other Luke pulls her aside.
Mike: "Luke S is fighting for his livelihood as a man." Other Luke seppukus himself though, tells her he's leaving and to not pick Shower Jesus because he has nothing to lose. Lord Harrison now takes away a rose?? WHY?? Were they only keeping that rose in the case that both Lukes could stay for a two-on-one? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AND THEY SHOWED US THIS SO THERE MUST BE A REASON.
Roses for Pilot Pete. Connor. Dylan. They all look the same except for the Lukes. Dustin. Mike. Kevin. HOW MANY DEAD-EYE WHITE BRUNETTE MEN ARE THERE?? Devin. Grant. Shower Jesus. Goodbye someone. Goodbye JPJ. JPJ is the only one who created a strong enough brand at this point to make BIP. The guys are shocked that Shower Jesus is still here. Hama: "The guys might not understand. My heart wants him to be here." giRL THATS YOUR PUSS.
Hama tells the boys they've made it to the International Travel portion of the competition and they'll be heading to... Scotland!
THEY GO TO SCOTLAND
Pilot Pete makes a gentle airplane gesture in the airport. He is an airplane. Hama describes Scotland as "the jewel of Great Britain and the home of the Loch Ness monster... Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded." Who I just learned about. K. Golf Garrett: "The place oozes of history."
Hama pulls Mike for the first International One-on-One. The rest of the players toast to being real. Jed: "She wants you to be organically yourself to the absolute max." Someone says, "You schmeared him!" Shower Jesus: "You don't know which you speak of. You are so what's not for Hannah it makes me want to gag." DO IT. Aspiring Musician Jed writes a song before our very eyes: "This is not about throwing him under the bus, it's about not letting the Lukeness monster slide his way into her heart and poison her."
Mike cannot stop smiling this entire date.
Mike performs an impressive Huju (hug-jump).
They go to a bookstore. Hama smells all the books. Hama puts an egg up to her ear. Yes Hama's definitely been in a bookstore before... Jesus Christ. They go to a sweet shop and eat a sweet called BLACK DEATH. We don't see any other flavors they try. Hama: "You know what Southern women are? Whiskey tea cups. Strong on the inside and ornate on the outside."
Later at Drinks...
Mike finally stops smiling and re-ups his PTC, reminding Hama that his ex-girlfriend broke his heart. He gives an intense Bachelor audition and tells Hama he's ready and could get down on one knee. She gives him rose.
They go dancing. This is the first Bachelor date that actually seems fun.
Group Highlander Date
They go to a castle. Hama: "This is Charlie. He's a world-renowned battle re-enactor." That's not a real thing. Now he screams in their faces.
Back at the Hotel...
Mike interrogates Shower Jesus. Shower Jesus: "My feelings from the first one on one to now have not changed." In either direction. Mike: "She loves his exterior. She's going to see that he's a loch ness monster." Yes, the infamously attractive lure of the loch ness monster. Now Mike reads a book "The Elusive Monster" and calls Shower Jesus a "Luke-ness monster." Are you getting the theme for this ep yet?
Back on the Date...
The players don kilts and wrestle and carry milk and flash their assholes at Bachelor Nation. Typical date stuff.
Aspiring Singer Jed plays a crazy good move in the wrestling portion. He asks to be pinned by "The Queen" instead. He wins and then pours all the milk over him to finish out the aggressive group date.
Pilot Pete does another gentle airplane gesture. He is four. Pilot Pete: "I'm definitely going to make an impression tonight." Ooh were gonna see his evening airplane gesture.
Later at Drinks...
Hama gives Aspiring Musician some sort of land deed and pronounces him a lord. Um, Aspiring Musician has been a Lord for a looooong time girl. Now she gets on top of him in a sausage casing of a dress, pinning him down (it's a callback). Aspiring Musician: "Is this dress made for this?" Hama: "Who cares?" God she's so real. Kevin sees them and is jealous.
Pilot Pete shows Hama his evening airplane. It involves trying to pin Hama down on the pool table, and repeatedly concussing her on the overhead lamp.
Now that Shower Jesus isn't on a date, the date is boring and mostly kissing. Hama makes out with everyone. Aspiring Musician's milk dance and multiple pinnings prevail however, and he gets the group date rose.
SHOWER JESUS ONE-ON-ONE
Aspiring Musician tells Shower Jesus to keep all their names out of his mouth, which Shower Jesus takes as inspiration to spend most of his date naming almost all of them. Hama looks out off some ruins. She and Shower Jesus Huju in a field. Hama tries to understand why none of the guys like him.
Hama: "I want a man that people are drawn to." Shower Jesus: "Everyone I've ever met, every place, every school I've ever been, anywhere I've been in my whole life, everyone loves me." She tells him it's boastful and he keeps trying to get to the other cool international activities instead of all this blah blah emotion stuff. He tells her a million times he wants to give her "clarity" so hard and I'm beginning to think he calls his dick Clarity because it's the only thing that makes sense. Hama's never identified a sociopath and is so confused.
Shower Jesus: "I want to give you clarity. That's all I want for you. Did I answer that well enough?" Hama: "Can you not express your emotions? Cos like I need more." He literally just asked is that the answer you're looking for. There are no emotions.
Hama talks to the producers, mistakingly believing they have her best interests at heart. They tell her it takes time to break down walls. She asks him do you like spaghetti or mac n cheese and gets nothing. Hama is tricked by the producers and Shower Jesus's aryan energy and he makes it to evening cocktails.
Hama asks him literally all the same questions expecting a different response. She gives him EVERY POSSIBLE OUT IN THE UNIVERSE. This is the strength of the FIMP Rose. Psychologically it takes SO much effort to reverse her first impression of him.
Shower Jesus should pull out even the tiniest PTC. A dead dog in his past. Something he struggled with. He's played it so well so far I'm kind of surprised. All he comes up with is: I value clarity. Hama's been tricked by that dicksand though: "Theres a great man inside. These walls have been put up." Shower Jesus: "I love every single thing about you. Even your flaws." He should start listing them.
Hama tries to suck "the real" out of his cold lifeless body: "Sometimes I'm on the ground in church crying and sometimes I'm a devilish bitch." What the fuck am I watching. She says she can't give him this rose but the EPISODE ENDS. HOW MANY MORE MINUTES OF TV AM I GOING TO WATCH OF HAMA TRYING TO DECIDE IF THIS DUDE'S SOCIOPATHY IS WORTH DEALING WITH IN ORDER TO BANG HIM??