By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 8 (Air Date: 7/01/19)
They go to Netherlands
Hama walks through Tulips. Hama: "I'm falling for multiple people in multiple different ways."
ASPIRING MUSICIAN With a Backhome Girlfriend's One-on-One
Aspiring Musician: "We would end up in this store!" K. They dance in the streets. They clap their heels together. Clap your heels if you have a woman at home who still thinks you're a couple. @bachelorclues: "This is a horror movie."
Now they have the traditional, meeting of the foreign couple who have been together forever. The random Dutch lady: "You are not Netherlanders?" AspMus: "English." Hama, aghast: "English?! We're Americans." Hama is DISGUSTED for the couple to think they're English. Hama asks about their love story as if it could have ANYTHING to do with what they're doing. Lady: "It was in the stars." Aspiring Musician writes a poem on the SPOT: "Here's to making the most of each and every moment and of seeing whether our love was written in the stars." JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Now they tell the lady to fuck off and they make out. @bachelorclues: "He had a girlfriend a week ago." AspMus: "We've already made like, some really cool, amazing memories."
Back at the Hotel...
DOORBELL RING. Have you ever seen a doorbell on a hotel room? Tyler gets the date. Connor: "Nice." Connor says he's wishing and hoping for a date later that will never come.
Later at Drinks...
AspMus: "Are you wearing? What color is that?" I hate his face. AspiringCheatingMusician: "Today was one of the best dates I've ever had." Hama: "I have feelings for multiple people here and I don't know what to do. I'm holding back with everyone and everybody. I don't want to hurt anybody I got hurt... I have so much to handle." AspMus: "You have a lot on your plate... I wanna take some. Whatever I have to do. If I have to hear about things I don't like... I want to build a foundationally powerful relationship and I want you to feel like you can open up..." That one I call, "Girl, Lemme Be Your Foundation."
Hama: "You clicked your heels up... It was in that moment I was laughing. Everything around me spinning and I saw your face and you kissed me. And it was in that moment where I was like omgosh this is real... I don't know why the click of the heels and the kiss in front of that organ made me feel confident and safe to say I'm falling in love with you... I think I've known it for a little while." It's either that or Vertigo. AspMus: "My heart just fell through the Earth. Let me have my moment." AspMus: "I'm in love with you. I'm not going to sleep for three days." Hama: "Let me help you sleep." That's why they call her Nyquil. Hama gives him rose: "I'm so excited to meet your family and find out what makes Jed Jed."
âDoes him cheating on his gf have to come out in the Hometown? AspMus: You know what? Actually I want to do my Hometown in LA away from anyone that I've ever met. Maybe play some gigs. âThey make out outside. Hama: "There's a bunch of signs pointing to it being written in the stars." Are there? There's toxic masculinity mines waiting all around her but I think she's kind of looking for that.
Tyler wants her to meet Nana. They ride horses. Hama gives him "energy". He gets her ice cream. He feeds her pickled herring. They add squishy sound effects.
She's sitting right in his face demanding emotional details. She tells him she wants to know what's going on in his head and his face? Is she drunk?
Later at Drinks...
H: "I wanna know the dirty and the raw and the things that have scarred you." Tyler plays a masterful PTC and tells her he doesn't open up to anyone and a bunch of shit about his parents divorce caused by the recession. He's identified his walls. In one swift motion he destroys them, telling Hama: "I feel like I am falling in love with you... can be that guy getting down on one knee one day." Hama also reveals that her parents no longer have communication in their marriage. Cannot fucking WAIT for that meeting in the finale.
BACK AT HOTEL...
DOORBELL CHIME. It's like Pavlov's dog. Connor doesn't get the next One-on-One so producers goad him into doing a knock knock.
Connor's Knock Knock
Connor: "It's good to be here... I had the feelings of starting to fall in love." Hama is crying: "Maybe if you came weeks ago... if I did have that time we would be able to get there." She dumps him.
Hama: "We're going to bike with Mike!" They bike to a warehouse filled with art. They try to determine the gender of a portrait. Now an artist tells them to paint each other. Now SmileyMikey gets down in his underwear and she spanks him. Mike: "Her soul looks beautiful." They get painted by the artist. Now they talk outside. Mike: "Maybe my future wife." Hama purses her lips.
Later at Drinks...
Hama examines a bunch of paintings. Close ups of the paintings. Hama STARTS CRYING. Oh she's in her dumping outfit. And she's still crying when Mike arrives in a Hunger Games tube. Hama: "Let's just go sit down and talk... I've been here for a little while. And got to see all the art and stuff. I've never been surrounded by so much beauty and it's really overwhelming." I saw a painting of a Saint that told me to be honest about my feelings about Mike. "Woman with a sword with all these men in back fighting." Now she does a "best of Mike", repeating all his good moments. "I know you're looking for that fourth lady in your life and I know that I'm not that fourth lady." Mike: "I can't say that I'm happy." He's only at 163K.
Hama dumps Mike. He goes back down into the Hunger Games style tube into the ground. Or Willy Wanka.
Hama: "Trying to be strong. Trying to keep my faith. Trying to rely on the one thing that's greater than me. But I don't know what to do and I'm scared." Mike: "Her putting a dagger in my heart and tearing it out and stepping on it... She crushed me." He's not crying. @bachelorclues: "He's not smiling. This is serious."
The Villain Conversation
Back at the Hotel...
Tyler tells Luke he's the villain except: "Usually the villain is taller. We got a 5-foot-8 villain." Fact check: yes, most of the male villains on The Bachelorette are taller.
Chad Johnson: 6'2.
Juan Pablo 5'11.
Tyler: "Now there's five guys that can't stand you." They're fighting. No doorbell for someone literally coming into their hotel room. Shower Jesus: "Happy there's one less of us. It's simple math."
MAGAr: "I fully expect a Hail Mary attempt from Luke." Literally football.
MAGA: "The bad guy's going home. It's about time. It's a game to Luke. He loves the idea of winning The Bachelorette." Hama: "I hope my mind can be comfortable with what my heart wants." Shower Jesus grabs her first.
Hama and Shower Jesus
Shower Jesus: "I don't have to say any names. A lot of the time I wish you were a fly on the wall. I've done nothing." Hama: "You don't think you've done anything?"
SJ: "He said: 'I have some advice for you. Try to keep your head out of your ass'... That concerns me for you. Last night Garrett starts calling me out. 'That was me being fake.' That shocks the hell out of me. For you." Lolololol
Hama: "I don't get why people won't be kind to you."
Shower Jesus: "You're part of a mob."
Hama's Confessional: "Has it been some of his own fault... Am I missing something so much more or is it just boys being boys?" Fuck Youuuuuuuuu. @bachelorclues: "It's that locker room talk."
Hama and Garrett
Hama: "He was talking about some things that happened last night... Did you say that you were being fake nice to him?" MAGar: "I told him I was bullshitting. If someone is talking to me I'm going to respond back to him. To me responding short is my version of I don't like you." Responding short is just a short, simple, clean Trump Retweet in a sincere kind of way.
MAGArrett: "Hail Mary, right? I called it." He's refereeing the plays while still in the game.
Shower Jesus eats meat. The symbol of a villain (Mad Chad). MAGArrett: "Even if he tries to put me in this hole I'm going to climb back out. I will not go home because of Luke P."
MAGArrett and Shower Jesus
MAGArrett to Shower Jesus: "I saw the look on her face and your time is coming to an end." Gar: "Didn't you say you were going to stay in your lane. No Hail Mary's?" Shower Jesus: "She asked me a question."
Gar: "It's just going to be bullshit anyway. Hannah's going to know that everything you say is bullshit. It's your fault. You talk about everybody. You're the fakest person I know. Shower Jesus: "You don't know me." MAGArrett: "Oh, I know you. And I'll double point on that one."
Here's a bunch of words that are uttered on a dating show:
âSJ: i'm tired of seeing this fake smirk on your face.
It's a real smile.
Until you do something about it I'm going to keep going.
She asked me what I thought about you.
The truth comes out!
She asked me what's been going on.
You are a weasel. A weasel or a snake. Luke psychopath the snake.
Your words are meaningless.
Hannah seemed to appreciate what I had to say. That's all I care about.
You're disgusting. You make me want to gag.
Gar: "You're falling and you're reaching for branches."
SJ stands up: "I have been nothing but truthful...This is a pile of bologna."
This all ends with SJ throwing the pile of bologna on MAGA's lap.
MAGArrett: "When he's faced with something that is confronting him, the guy explodes." Would think he'd like that. Shower Jesus grabs Pilot Pete: "I had Garrett come up and feed me a bunch of bologna."
Pilot Pete: "You gave me your word to stay in your lane. This is not how I wanted to spend my possible last date with Hannah. She's not in a good headspace now?" She's not primed?
Pilot Pete and Hama
PP expertly ignores what just happened and dives right into an emotional conversation with Hama, saying he's excited. @bachelorclues: "The extraction." PP tells her he's "smitten. I love how goofy you are and how strong and raw. It's sexy. You're just so honest. I've never met someone like you before. I'm loving this and I don't want it to end. I can't tell you this stuff enough. It's coming straight from the heart." Hama: "I feel it."
Hama: "He's a nice break from the drama." That's what you want in a husband. A break from all the psychopaths you're surrounded by. Hama gives PP the rose. Hama and PP make out by the tower. He screams: "Wooo!" The guys inside can hear.
âShower Jesus and MAGArrett are left alone. MAGArrett winks at Shower Jesus. Shower Jesus licks his lips. MAGArrett gaybaits him: "Are you licking your lips because you're attracted to me?" MAGA: "It's going to be me and Peter at the end of the night. I know that. That's why I'm smiling."
MAGArrett and Shower JEsus Two-on-one
Hama's out of breath and wheezes: "I don't want to bring any drama or negativity into tonight... Cheers." Shower Jesus says he's about to play his PTC. 50/50 PTC on a Two-On-One.
Shower Jesus and Hama
SJ: "I was exploring things and experimenting... There was a streak of me where I was chasing sex. This is hard for me to talk about. I hated chasing those selfish fleshy desires. Nothing satisfied me... Here's where the story gets good. I'm getting in shower and felt this heavy weight on me. I just remember balling my eyes out. Someone's telling me Luke let it go. I saw a glimpse of Heaven... Since then I've been on fire... You know this walk isn't easy."
Hama: "If you don't go through that you don't see the blessings. My experience is similar. I appreciate what the Lord did in my life.... It was cool to hear him share his testimony. I like that he's open about his faith. I'm connected to him." CHRISTTTTTTT
Hama: "Do you want to kiss me." @bachelorclues: "Ultimate Jesus PTC, with a little alcoholism thrown in there."
Back at the Hotel...
PP comes back. @bachelorclues: "Man huju."
PP does not call it: "He's totally imploding."
Back on the Date... MAGA talks with Ham
MAGA: "I'm sure it's written all over my damn face right now..." Hama: "I'm so excited of the growth that's been made here." They kiss. MAGA: you make me feel some type of way. God I just can't wait for you to meet the fam... It hit me like a ton of bricks today. I love you. I love you." Both MAGA and Shower Jesus pulled out all the stops. MAGA: I'm buzzing so hard right now off of nothing but that moment... The L-bomb came out.
Hama: "We have a very intense connection... I'm going where I feel like my heart is leading me." Hama gives rose to Shower Jesus. He laughs to himself. A nation screams.
MAGA kisses her face. He's definitely more upset that Luke has bested him than that Hama dumped him. THE TRADITIONATIONAL TAKING OF THE SUITCASES.
MAGA: "that guy's schemed his way into Hometowns. He's going to keep saying what Hannah wants to hear. It's going to last the rest of her life. And she has no idea." And she could've had such a boring white life playing golf with me. AspMus: "Everytime you think he's gone, he's not." @bachelorclues: "Like Trump."
Scenes: Hama: "I fucked in a windmill."
TAG: straight silence with Luke and MAGA. Then MAGA puts balogna over his eyes.