By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 5 (Air Date: 6/11/19)
We're back at the Cocktail Party. Hama calls the Lukes for a two-on-one. "I want to hear you guys talk to each other about this. No not to me to him." It goes poorly. She should not be a mediator.
Other Luke: "Luke you made up a baldfaced lie about me promoting my tequila company which doesn't even exist yet. Decided to tell Hannah to sabotage me." Shower Jesus: "I don't see a fit for Hannah." Other Luke: "Oh so you're speaking for her now?"
Hama walks away. She goes to a fireplace to ponder. Shower Jesus says he's been honest. Other Luke: "Is that why you kneed me in the head? You're so full of shit. You got it coming out of your ears." He's used this phrase several times. I wonder if he's ever consulted for a politician who won. Lord Harrison announces the party is over. The guys are once again pissed at Shower Jesus.
They're in a medieval goth church filled with candles. Someone: she might keep either one Luke or both Lukes or no Lukes. GREAT INSIGHT, SOMEONE. Hama comes in and Other Luke pulls her aside.
Mike: "Luke S is fighting for his livelihood as a man." Other Luke seppukus himself though, tells her he's leaving and to not pick Shower Jesus because he has nothing to lose. Lord Harrison now takes away a rose?? WHY?? Were they only keeping that rose in the case that both Lukes could stay for a two-on-one? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AND THEY SHOWED US THIS SO THERE MUST BE A REASON.
Roses for Pilot Pete. Connor. Dylan. They all look the same except for the Lukes. Dustin. Mike. Kevin. HOW MANY DEAD-EYE WHITE BRUNETTE MEN ARE THERE?? Devin. Grant. Shower Jesus. Goodbye someone. Goodbye JPJ. JPJ is the only one who created a strong enough brand at this point to make BIP. The guys are shocked that Shower Jesus is still here. Hama: "The guys might not understand. My heart wants him to be here." giRL THATS YOUR PUSS.
Hama tells the boys they've made it to the International Travel portion of the competition and they'll be heading to... Scotland!
THEY GO TO SCOTLAND
Pilot Pete makes a gentle airplane gesture in the airport. He is an airplane. Hama describes Scotland as "the jewel of Great Britain and the home of the Loch Ness monster... Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded." Who I just learned about. K. Golf Garrett: "The place oozes of history."
Hama pulls Mike for the first International One-on-One. The rest of the players toast to being real. Jed: "She wants you to be organically yourself to the absolute max." Someone says, "You schmeared him!" Shower Jesus: "You don't know which you speak of. You are so what's not for Hannah it makes me want to gag." DO IT. Aspiring Musician Jed writes a song before our very eyes: "This is not about throwing him under the bus, it's about not letting the Lukeness monster slide his way into her heart and poison her."
Mike cannot stop smiling this entire date.
Mike performs an impressive Huju (hug-jump).
They go to a bookstore. Hama smells all the books. Hama puts an egg up to her ear. Yes Hama's definitely been in a bookstore before... Jesus Christ. They go to a sweet shop and eat a sweet called BLACK DEATH. We don't see any other flavors they try. Hama: "You know what Southern women are? Whiskey tea cups. Strong on the inside and ornate on the outside."
Later at Drinks...
Mike finally stops smiling and re-ups his PTC, reminding Hama that his ex-girlfriend broke his heart. He gives an intense Bachelor audition and tells Hama he's ready and could get down on one knee. She gives him rose.
They go dancing. This is the first Bachelor date that actually seems fun.
Group Highlander Date
They go to a castle. Hama: "This is Charlie. He's a world-renowned battle re-enactor." That's not a real thing. Now he screams in their faces.
Back at the Hotel...
Mike interrogates Shower Jesus. Shower Jesus: "My feelings from the first one on one to now have not changed." In either direction. Mike: "She loves his exterior. She's going to see that he's a loch ness monster." Yes, the infamously attractive lure of the loch ness monster. Now Mike reads a book "The Elusive Monster" and calls Shower Jesus a "Luke-ness monster." Are you getting the theme for this ep yet?
Back on the Date...
The players don kilts and wrestle and carry milk and flash their assholes at Bachelor Nation. Typical date stuff.
Aspiring Singer Jed plays a crazy good move in the wrestling portion. He asks to be pinned by "The Queen" instead. He wins and then pours all the milk over him to finish out the aggressive group date.
Pilot Pete does another gentle airplane gesture. He is four. Pilot Pete: "I'm definitely going to make an impression tonight." Ooh were gonna see his evening airplane gesture.
Later at Drinks...
Hama gives Aspiring Musician some sort of land deed and pronounces him a lord. Um, Aspiring Musician has been a Lord for a looooong time girl. Now she gets on top of him in a sausage casing of a dress, pinning him down (it's a callback). Aspiring Musician: "Is this dress made for this?" Hama: "Who cares?" God she's so real. Kevin sees them and is jealous.
Pilot Pete shows Hama his evening airplane. It involves trying to pin Hama down on the pool table, and repeatedly concussing her on the overhead lamp.
Now that Shower Jesus isn't on a date, the date is boring and mostly kissing. Hama makes out with everyone. Aspiring Musician's milk dance and multiple pinnings prevail however, and he gets the group date rose.
SHOWER JESUS ONE-ON-ONE
Aspiring Musician tells Shower Jesus to keep all their names out of his mouth, which Shower Jesus takes as inspiration to spend most of his date naming almost all of them. Hama looks out off some ruins. She and Shower Jesus Huju in a field. Hama tries to understand why none of the guys like him.
Hama: "I want a man that people are drawn to." Shower Jesus: "Everyone I've ever met, every place, every school I've ever been, anywhere I've been in my whole life, everyone loves me." She tells him it's boastful and he keeps trying to get to the other cool international activities instead of all this blah blah emotion stuff. He tells her a million times he wants to give her "clarity" so hard and I'm beginning to think he calls his dick Clarity because it's the only thing that makes sense. Hama's never identified a sociopath and is so confused.
Shower Jesus: "I want to give you clarity. That's all I want for you. Did I answer that well enough?" Hama: "Can you not express your emotions? Cos like I need more." He literally just asked is that the answer you're looking for. There are no emotions.
Hama talks to the producers, mistakingly believing they have her best interests at heart. They tell her it takes time to break down walls. She asks him do you like spaghetti or mac n cheese and gets nothing. Hama is tricked by the producers and Shower Jesus's aryan energy and he makes it to evening cocktails.
Hama asks him literally all the same questions expecting a different response. She gives him EVERY POSSIBLE OUT IN THE UNIVERSE. This is the strength of the FIMP Rose. Psychologically it takes SO much effort to reverse her first impression of him.
Shower Jesus should pull out even the tiniest PTC. A dead dog in his past. Something he struggled with. He's played it so well so far I'm kind of surprised. All he comes up with is: I value clarity. Hama's been tricked by that dicksand though: "Theres a great man inside. These walls have been put up." Shower Jesus: "I love every single thing about you. Even your flaws." He should start listing them.
Hama tries to suck "the real" out of his cold lifeless body: "Sometimes I'm on the ground in church crying and sometimes I'm a devilish bitch." What the fuck am I watching. She says she can't give him this rose but the EPISODE ENDS. HOW MANY MORE MINUTES OF TV AM I GOING TO WATCH OF HAMA TRYING TO DECIDE IF THIS DUDE'S SOCIOPATHY IS WORTH DEALING WITH IN ORDER TO BANG HIM??
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 4 (Air Date: 6/03/19)
Lord Harrison tells them they're leaving LA: "You're going to the smallest state in the union. But it's where the rich and powerful play. You're going to Newport, Rhode Island!" All the players pretend to know what the fuck Newport Rhode Island is. One guy yells: "NewPORT!" That random creepy Virginia town paid 500K for their ad last season. I wonder if the town advertisement rate has gone up. â
They go to Newport, Rhode Island.
The guys are trapped in some shitty resort called Gurneys. This is the worst location. You're at the beach but also, it's freezing. There's nothing to do there so Hama's first date is in Boston.
Aspiring Musician One-on-One
Hama gives Aspiring Musician Jed an insane tour of Boston where she makes up facts about the city and doesn't give a shit about what the actual monuments are. Hama: "Today's all about fun. Fun and America."
Hama: "I don't feel like I have to be showboaty around him." She's wearing a leather studded jacket and giving him a chipper fake tour of the city. Oh god they go to the Cheers bar. Jed Danson. There's a bunch of randos who stare at them over a beer. The audio is terrible and the randos chant until they kiss. This is a nightmare. Hama: "Today has been a crash course in Boston." Completely making up its history.
Now they do a LITERAL FUCKING AD FOR HALO TOP. THIS SHIT HAS NEVER BEEN SO BLATANT. They do a scripted scene. Hama: "Chocolate chip cookie dough!" Uninspired Aspiring Musician: "It's your favorite." They don't say the name Halo Top but there is a PAID FUCKING ACTOR HANDING THEM THE ICE CREAM WITH THE LABEL FACING OUT. Imagining this marketing conversation. Oh it'll be really subtle if they just don't say the name HaloTop. Jesus fucking christ. Hama: "I could eat this whole pint right now!" I truly hate myself for being so into this show.
Now they go to the Celtics stadium and play with two basketball players. Hama continues to not be showboaty at all, screaming and cartwheeling all over the court. Jed tickles Hama's armpits. Hama scores and does a cartwheel. Then she grinds into Aspiring Musician's dick.
Now she asks this random basketball player that she just met what she should look for in a partner. When they leave, Hama screams, "Y'ALL ARE AWESOME!" to the basketball players in the corny tone of a summer camp coach teaching little children to swim. She does a basketball huju. Now there's a "real commericial" for Halotop. The actor is the same dude who handed them the ice cream on the date and he plays opposite infamous actor, Nick Viall. Btw if you haven't caught it, I HIGHLY recommend watching Viall's work in the TV movie "The Christmas Cruise." It's honestly the worst thing I've ever seen and I've been watching The Bachelor franchise since I was 12. Looks like he's moved on to just doing commercials that air during the Bachelor.
Later at Drinks...
Aspiring Musician confesses to Hama how much he loves music and that his "first thought was this is a huge platform. I want you to know the truth." Interesting Wrong Reasons Strategy! Hama: "How can you get from opportunity for music to marriage?" Wait you didn't sing that song coming out of the limo for love???? Wait a second!!!!
Aspiring Musician pulls out his best bullshit: "There's a comfort that comes from you. A lot is in your voice. And in your touch. I feel something growing inside me that I've never felt before. I'm starting to believe that I'm falling for you. It's beyond a show at this point. Because I know all I would ever need is you." There's something growing inside me. It's either an ulcer or love for you, TBD. She starts CRYING??????????? She gives him rose.
They do a traditional Wall Makeout.
Rugby Group Date
These rugby players introduce how all the players are gonna beat the shit out of each other on this group date: "We've seen people breaking their legs. You get smashed and you smash somebody and that's how you play rugby."
Hama: "this is so hot!" This is the Bachelorette America deserves. Hama: "My number one thing is for people to have fun and be safe." That's why I'm having them play a no-pad contact sport. Omg the ref grabs Hama it's so creepy.
Women in the crowd chant, "kill him!" That's finding love! Now Kevin needs a medic: "I think I dislocated my shoulder." A bunch of women take pictures of him getting in the ambulance lol.
The game continues of course! Shower Jesus Luke picks up Other Luke and throws him on the ground. Shower Jesus immediately: "That was self defense!" The other guys to Other Luke: "He kneed you in the face... It's about how you respond to it." Other Luke: "He's so full of shit that it's coming out of his ears. He's an unstable guy and he shouldn't be here." Then he says it to Shower Jesus's face: "Everyone in here thinks you're nuts."
Later at drinks...
Hama updates them on injured Tyler: "He's in the hospital but he's OK." Anyway those of you have made it past that get to continue on. Physical challenge during the day, emotional challenge at night. Shower Jesus's steroid use is less helpful in the emotional challenge portion.
Hama asks Shower Jesus if he's had other problems with the other players. Shower Jesus goes in on Other Luke: "I've seen red flags come up. He's always talking about his brand and his liquor company and never talking about you. I would never lie to you."
Hama confronts Other Luke. He says that Shower Jesus attacked him and that everyone in the house has a problem with him. She asks about Shower Jesus's liquor-promotion-accustation. He starts crying.
Everyone in the house talks shit on Shower Jesus. Tyler has a gigantic sling now but it's unaddressed. Mike goes after Shower Jesus: "You're taking my time with the woman I'm trying to get to know. You're laughing because you're a psychopath." Mike reclaims his time. Shower Jesus admits that he blacked out and then reverses, that he's "seeing back to his memory". Shower Jesus is giving major Brett Kavanaugh vibes. Side note, people on Twitter are campaigning for Mike to be the first Black Bachelor, because of course he can't possibly win.
Golf Garrett tells Hama he's crushing on her. The producers have each of the players get up one by one (including injured guy who takes a while to get up) until it's just both Lukes facing each other. Why would they both stay? They wouldn't. The producers are forcing a showdown.
Shower Jesus vs. Other Luke
Other Luke: "Do you know everyone in here thinks you're nuts? How do you feel about that? You're giving me that same glazed look you gave me on the field. It makes me so angry that I have to defend myself over some garbage fed to her by some psychopath. I never want to see you in my life. Seriously."
Shower Jesus: "I really hope you turn around. All I've done is respect you." The gaslighting is insane.
Other Luke: "I cant wait til you're off this show. Fuck that guy. Seriously fuck that guy. He's a liar and he'll do anything to save his skin." I feel like any of his Shower Jesus quotes could be about Trump. Other Luke is in the right but he IS taking himself down with this one. Golf Garrett gets the group date rose.
Tyler C One-on-One
Back in Newport, Hama's in a winter jacket sobbing on the wharf. She admits she had the strongest feelings for Shower Jesus (he DID get the FIMP rose) and she's questioning herself. No shit. She keeps crying but the show must go on. A sadness seagull flies by.
She's contracted to continue going on dates. She and Tyler go lobster fishing and say scripted lines like, "you're a great catch." Tyler calls himself a "big time griller big time chiller."
Later at Drinks...
Chill Tyler plays his PTC (Personal Tragedy Card): "My pops almost died two months before I came out here. He was in a coma for ten days. I had to sign away his rights. He said Tyler 'this is your girl.' I'm not here for the Bachelorette I'm here for Hannah.â" She rewards him with the rose and they go to a random date-ending concert. Hama: "Do you know Jake Owen?" I've never known anyone who's ever performed at one of these. @bachelorclues: "It would be amazing if it was Jed."
Someone says: "this is an alpha house" upon entering the frat. Pilot Pete asks Hama to be his girlfriend: "Am I the first one? That counts for something?" I get points for that right?? Now they do a girlfriend/boyfriend make out.
Hama chats with Mike. He says something that sounds nice but I feel weird about: "Of course I don't want to see a woman cry." They zoom in on a face in the stained glass.
Mike confronts Shower Jesus: "You're the cause of her not being happier right now." Shower Jesus: "Actually I'm not the cause. Luke P is the cause." Now he physically re-enacts the tackle: "It was a piece of my shin that caught his shoulder. You're telling me the sky is red but I know it's blue." GASLIGHT JESUS: "I've done absolutely nothing negative." Mike: "You are a psychopath. Thats what you are."
In Shower Jesus's confessional he holds up his phone for the camera. They get an insert shot of the wikipedia definition of psychopath. Shower Jesus: "This is the definition of psychopath. That's the complete opposite of me."
Hama pulls Other Luke: "I grew up with two parents that were social workers and they raised me to have the highest moral fiber." Hama: "I see both sides." Yes Hama. Very fine people on both sides.
Other Luke tells Shower Jesus to tell Hama that he was lying. I must admit Shower Jesus is a lot more skilled in this shit than I thought. He tells Hama that Other Luke told him to "put in a good word for him."
Other Luke: "I can't believe I got outsmarted by you. I am so angry that this happened." Hama calls them both for an one-the-spot two-on-one.
TO BE CONTINUED. Guess that means next week's gonna be Lukeless.