By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 12 (Air Date: 3/13/17)
Guys, it's here. The episode that is POSSIBLY Vile Nick Viall's last Bachelor franchise episode ever. That's after 14 episodes of The Bachelor, 21 episodes of The Bachelorette, and 11 episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. 46. A true epoch. He's listed after ONLY Lord Harrison on The Bachelorette's IMDB page.
Lord Harrison repeatedly calls this episode "historic" and he twice describes Nick's search for love as "desperate." I totally get how this is desperate, but how is this historic? Is someone going to give birth on stage? They've already done: a live breakup of Jake and Vienna, an attempt to force a spontaneous wedding with a priest of Ben and Lauren, Bachelor Jason go back on his decision and choose his runner up, and they've even had an on-stage Ultrasound exam to reveal Ashley's baby's gender. Have they not done it all?!
Lord Harrison ponders how Nick will choose between "two beautiful women."
We're in Rovaniemi, Finland. Nick leads a dance train of elves through the town.
Raven Re-Meets Nick's Parents
Nick had to pick his favorite four of his eleven siblings to fly out to be in the finale. The featured sister who's 30 years younger than him is of course there.
Nick's Mom: "So, do you have a favorite?"
Nick says he likes both. Nick’s hair is so coiffed it's practically a mohawk at this point.
Nick’s Dad looks like Ben Linus from LOST.
Raven meets the parents again.
Nick’s family all seem like they’ve taken sedatives. Nick’s Mom (re: Raven): “I can’t see her hurting anybody.” Nick’s Mom obviously hasn't heard the stiletto story yet.
Nick's sister is on the same emotional maturity level as Raven so she talks to her first.
Raven sucks up to her and tells her she's not going to like Vanessa.
Side note: Nick’s Mom has a nose piercing.
Vanessa Meets Nick's Parents
Vanessa sums herself up for Nick's parents: "I love my family, I love my friends."
Vanessa’s first story she tells Nick's parents is how she puked on him. She's very aggressive talking to them and seems 20 years older than Raven.
Vanessa: "I can't picture myself not getting engaged with Nick."
Vanessa and Nick's Dad discuss love and Nick’s Dad starts crying.
Vanessa starts crying.
Nick Discusses the Women with his Family
Nick: "I think I would be lying if I said how different this is." Nick’s Mom starts crying about how he was rejected by Caitlyn and Andi.
We check back in with Lord Harrison and half the white women of Los Angeles.
Vanessa's Last Date
Nick picks up Vanessa again.
We get a fun Dancing with the Stars graphic superimposed over him.
Nick says that this week is "a two-way street more."
Nick can't ride a horse.
There is a random shot of Santa in the woods hiding behind a tree.
Santa is not addressed for a while.
Then they happen upon a cabin out out comes a man in a Santa costume. I really wish this was Neil Lane or Lord Harrison.
Vanessa SCREAMS: “OUT CAME SANTA CLAUS!!!”
They go in Santa Claus’s little house in the snow. Santa asks what's at the top of their wish lists. Nick: “I guess I'd have to say love!”
Santa gives them a present which is a carving caricature of the couple with two symbols. Vanessa: “One represents happiness and the other represents fertility.”
Vanessa: “Santa Claus believes and sees a future between Nick and I.”
Vanessa: “What is your type?” Nick: “Smart, strong, confident women, but it eventually gets to the point where it boils over.”
Vanessa tells Nick she doesn't want him to propose to her because her relationship is slightly greater than his relationship with someone else.
Nick’s not giving Vanessa his gloves? Nick strokes Vanessa’s bare hand with his gloved hand.
Later that night…
Vanessa: “Every time I ask you a question, the answers are general.”
Nick responds with gibberish about being careful with his heart.
Vanessa: "Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?"
Nick: "I feel like the week’s not over."
Vanessa: "I don’t like that answer."
Nick: "I know what you want to hear."
Vanessa doesn't think the situation is romantic but Nick does.
Nick: "If you want to find a million different scenarios where you can DE-ROM, UN-ROM... make it less then you probably can… When I’ve been with you I’ve only thought of you."
Nick: "I want it at the end to feel different and special. That’s how I need to get there."
Nick makes out with her and shakes her as she’s crying.
Nick is very into Vanessa's fluids. Vom. Tears. w/e.
Vanessa: “It is scary to think that you don’t know what is to come.” Nick wipes away Vanessa’s tears.
Nick: "It breaks my heart that I can’t make Vanessa feel better."
We get a quick shot of Lord Harrison lounging on his throne couch.
Raven's Last Date
Nick takes Raven ice skating "since skating is our thing."
Nick: "It’s just so playful and fun and it’s easy not to think about anything else." NICK’S FUCKING ICE DANCING.
Raven: "To think this could be my last date as a single person is crazy.”
Nick once again forces Raven to the ground to make out with her.
AHHHH Nick brings in lil puppies. This is the only Bachelor date I would’ve liked to go on.
Later that night at drinks…
Nick says he can’t move his neck from stress.
Raven tells Nick she'd say yes if he proposes.
Nick leaves and ponders. There's a knock on his door. Is it Santa? It's Neil Lane.
Nick Meets with Neil Lane for the Fourth Time
Nick: "Hello friend." Neil Lane is so consistently a creepy wax figure.
Nick picks the biggest ring.
Pondering shots of Vanessa. She is crying again. Now Raven ponders. Raven: “I see Nick as a father. I see him as a husband.”
Nick ponders the ring.
Re: Raven, Nick: “Everything tells me she would say yes."
Nick enters a sexy lodge in Poropirtti, Finland.
We get MORE foreshadowing as Nick waits for his women.
Nick Dumps Raven
Raven enters first, trips, and Lord Harrison grabs her coat. He asks, "You good?"
The doors are covered in dead grass.
Raven: “I couldn’t be more sure to tell you tonight. I love you.”
Nick's eyes dart around as Raven talks to him.
Nick starts crying: "I just don’t know if I’m in love. I just like, I know my heart's somewhere else... I’m just sorry.”
Raven says she regrets nothing and starts crying.
Nick: "I'm going to miss you."
Raven leaves without her coat. Raven: “Is it just that no one can feel that way about me?”
Nick Proposes to Vanessa
Nick: “I’ve been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time. And I feel like sometimes I’ve been fighting it. And I’m not fighting it anymore.”
Nick hopes this wasn't "wasted tears and wasted broken hearts.” Two giveaways to Vanessa: Lord Harrison grabs Vanessa's coat and Raven's is still hanging there. Also Nick picks her up.
Nick: "I will never forget the first moment I saw you... I’ll never forget the first moment I started falling in love with you... Being next to you I felt something very very special."
Nick sobs. Nick: "I'm in love with you."
Nick: "I’m glad I don’t have to try to not say it."
Vanessa: "Knowing how much you love to talk, I promise I'm ready to do a lot of listening." Weird line to end on.
Nick gets down on one knee.
Nick’s look up at Vanessa after he puts ring on her finger is SO weird!!!
Nick gives her the final rose.
Nick and Vanessa say they are so happy to be engaged.
Nick makes a euphemism about banging and then slaps Vanessa's ass.
They get in the back of a sleigh being driven by a little old man and ride off into the gray din.
Great season guys. A nice reminder that true love does exist!
I could NOT be more excited for Rachel as The Bachelorette. Everything they do is going to feel racist. Every. Single. Thing. I'm hibernating until May 22nd.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 8 (Air Date: 2/20/17)
I'm so tired of the episodes not ending in rose ceremonies. This off-kilter quality is driving me nuts. I don't need a cliffhanger, I need to know where I should be EMOTIONALLY at the correct part of the episode. ANYWAY.
Tiffany Trump is still freaking out she's gonna also get dumped: "He's very unpredictable and I'm just nervous."
Nick comes in through their balcony holding roses.
He explains to them he dumped Danielle already because he didn't want to put her through a rose ceremony. ARE WE JUST NO LONGER GOING TO HAVE ROSE CEREMONIES, NICK?! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DO THIS TO ME?! He once again says that the "room strength" gave him courage.
Nick: "I can't wait to meet their families, and I can't wait to move our relationships forward." THIS IS A NONSENSE FUCKING SENTENCE NICK STOP BEING A FUCKING ROBOT.
He gives them all roses.
The girls could not be more excited about introducing their entire families to their boyfriend who's still seeing three other women. Nick could not be more excited to meet Nanny Raquel.
Tiffany Trump has an impressive number of different facial expressions. She's made it to this crucial round of the competition and screams, "Hometowns! Woo!"
Raven's Hoxie Hometown
Nick says Raven is "maybe a little crazy, um, in the best possible way."
Raven: "To have fun in Hoxie, you go mudding, you go frog-gigging, you climb the grain bins." Are these literally all ways of saying to go play in garbage/dirt? OK looked up frog-gigging and it's stabbing swamp frogs with a long multi-pronged spear. Close enough.
Raven: This date is "gonna be a complete and utter surprise."
Raven takes him to a "sacred place", a giant grain bin. She says people climb up them to tell secrets.
"Uh oh." Cops pull up and tell them to get down.
The cop asks them for ID, which they don't have.
The cop reveals he's Raven's brother and no single person watching this is surprised. Can we stop with all the blaaatant bullshit? We're watching non-actors act out entire scenes. Ugh.
Raven's brother: "Don't be kissin on the grain bin."
They all laugh. Nick and Raven ATV off, the fully scripted scene completed. THEY’RE FUCKING CLEAN NOW. THE GRAIN BIN SEGMENT HAPPENED BEFORE THIS!!!
Nick: "Raven always kind of keeps you on your toes." Why are they taking their clothes off in the swamp?!
Nick: Raven has "more personality than you could ever imagine."
They frolic and make out in the swamp.
You know how they say with the right person anything is fun?
Later that evening...
Raven and Nick head to dinner with Raven's family. Not sure whose jeans are tighter.
Nick re-meets her brother.
Raven's Mom tells the two of them Daddy just had a cancer scan.
Raven's Mom: "He's cancer-free."
Nick golf-claps at this intimate family news.
Raven starts crying and tells her parents how thankful she is to have them in her life.
Raven's Dad looks like Chris Bauer -- the dock dude from The Wire/the cop in True Blood. Raven and her Dad discuss how he can now walk her down the aisle, presumably to hand her off to Nick.
Nick asks Raven's father for his blessing. Raven's Dad echoes the theme of this season: "Don't take this the wrong way but I didn't expect to like you."
Raven tells her Mom, "It is through the grit of my teeth that I say I'm falling for this guy."
Raven bails on saying "I love you" to Nick.
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel's Dallas Hometown
This is the first hometown with a black family in ALL of Bachelor franchise history. In preparation for a Hometown with a federal judge, Nick has dressed like he's going to appear in court.
Shut up. She's taking him to Church.
Nick looks deeply uncomfortable which is awesome.
Afterwards, Rachel and Nick discuss how his first experience in a black church went. Nick: "I grew up around church my whole life."
Nick: "Amen is amen, you know?" I deeply desire that quote crocheted on a pillow.
Nick: "I’m not color blind. I know you’re black."
Nick meets Rachel's family. Her sister Heather looks EXACTLY like her.
Nick meets the alternate gnome version of himself if he had just kept selling software and never got super into self-tanner.
Rachel: "You don’t need to have black skin but you need to have thick skin." I can't wait for a whole season of racial puns and metaphors.
Rachel's Mom asks if Nick knows what all the food is.
Nick: "I'm not from Mars!"
Nick identifies all the food. I truly hope this is a test they do for Rachel's Hometowns once she gets there.
Rachel's brother-in-law grabs Nick first: "Don't forget your drink!"
The bro-in-law gets weirder: "You two young lovebirds coming for the hometown visit, huh?"
Nick tells them he's been made to feel comfortable. Rachel's sister: "Why? Cause y'all look like us?"
Bro-in-law: "I can't help but notice you are a white." Why is Rachel's beautiful sister with this creep?
Nick tells them his spiel about how he's been on dates with black girls but they're "never really advanced past like, a first date."
Bro-in-law, as if Nick should inherently have the exact same response to every black woman he encounters, "So what's different now?"
Nick: "Her." Then he lists his boring list of Rachel's good qualities.
Bro-in-law tells him he counted that Nick said she's good-looking twice.
I'm guessing this is a bigger deal in Dallas. Rachel's Mom: "Elephant in the room... Have you ever dated a black girl?"
Rachel's Mom is worried about a more "racist climate. You have to know how you’re going to navigate it." Nick: "Uh, I-I-I've gone on dates... I know that, like, Rachel's black."
Nick talks about how he only sees Rachel's interior, that they'll get through any racism together, and a classic Bachelor phrase, "if anything it will make our relationship stronger."
Rachel's Mom then asks if Nick sees any red flags re: Rachel.
Rachel and her Mom are cute. Rachel tells her Mom how she cares for Nick due to his sincerity and courage to have "the uncomfortable conversations."
Rachel's Mom tells her she loved how Rachel's Dad was confident and knew where he was going. Rachel takes this to mean that her Mom thinks Nick is like her Dad? Rachel: "I was blown away by that comment."
Rachel: "I hate to use the word perfect but today was perfect... I'm falling in love with him."
Tiffany Trump's Miami Hometown
This is Tiffany Trump's first one-on-one date. Nick re: a date with Corinne Olympios: "I’m certain it’s going to be fabulous and it’s going to be fun... She doesn't worry about the rules. She makes her own."
Tiffany Trump tells him they're going shopping. They are PERFECT together.
Nick is stoked, thinking thank God this is better than Church. She's taking him to "one of the most exclusive malls in Miami." Am I not exclusive? What's an exclusive mall? Tiffany Trump: "Shopping and me go hand in hand. I mean we're like white on rice."
Corinne knows all the salespeople. Nick: "It's like Christmas morning to the people who are working at the store. I think that's a good thing? She takes every ordinary thing and takes it up a notch. She brings it to another level."
They do a shopping montage.
Tiffany Trump: "Pro shopping tip-- always stay focused. Find a sales person and make that person your person."
Tiffany Trump: "The dressing room is your holy ground."
One store offers them champagne.
Nick: "I'm like a Miami soccer dad."
Nick tries on a super deep V.
Tiffany Trump: "I'm just shopping with my boyfriend. No big deal."
Corinne is buying clothes for Nick? Bribery???
Nick: "I’m like red with anxiety right now... I have hives because I’m a bargain shopper."
Later at drinks...
Tiffany Trump tells Nick she loves him.
Tiffany Trump: "I think I got a really good reaction even though he can’t say anything back."
They go to dinner. Corinne wears her best midriff-bearing shirt.
Corinne’s Dad looks like a cartoon character as he describes how this is Nick's fourth time on the show and how you don't get four strikes.
Tiffany Trump is super excited to introduce Nick to Nanny Raquel.
Nick: "This must be the infamous Raquel!"
Tiffany Trump explains to her family: "The girls used Raquel as something against me. They were like 'She has a Nanny.'"
Tiffany Trump's actual Mom: "She's their second Mom. I couldn't do a lot of things without her." Does Corinne live at home? I feel like that's the only way she could call Raquel her Nanny and I'm pretty sure she belongs to the parents.
I'm thinking maybe Corinne’s Dad's company is an olive company. He pitches: "These are my world-famous marinated Greek olives."
They dramatize whether Nick likes an olive.
Tiffany Trump does a normal human behavior and lays on a bed and tells her Daddy how much she likes Nick.
Corinne: "I told him today that I loved him."
Mr. Olympios asks what she sees in Nick. Tiffany Trump: "I see a person who cares about Corinne-- the good, the bad, the embarrassed. He sees a lot more than other people see in me."
Nick has a one-on-one with Nanny Raquel. Nanny Raquel: "So what is your intention with her?"
Corinne's Dad: "And what does he plan on doing?"
Tiffany Trump: "He used to sell software... I’m OK with being the breadwinner."
Corinne's Dad: "Can Nick make a living to raise a family and keep Corinne happy?"
Nick talks to Corinne’s Dad.
He tells Nick that Corinne told him she's OK with being breadwinner. Nick is supes embarrassed and says, "Well, that means a lot that she said that but I hope to be the breadwinner myself!"
Corinne's Mom to Corinne: "But don’t forget, it’s fantasy." Corinne: "No, Mom, it’s very real. If he choses one of the other girls I am going to be heartbroken."
Nick is SO particular about how he phrases asking the Dad for Corinne’s hand in marriage.
Mr. Olympios gives his blessing to Nick and they cheers to seal the deal.
Corinne's Dad: "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot."
Nick and Corinne leave. Nanny Raquel cleans up the dinner while the Olympios family watches Corinne make out with Nick from above.
Vanessa's Montreal Hometown
Nick flies to Canada. He greets Vanessa by tilting his head like a moron.
Nick doesn't shield Vanessa from the rain with the umbrella but to be fair he spent a longer time on his hair.
Nick goes to Vanessa’s special needs school.
Vanessa makes her students make another scrapbook of her photos of her and Nick's love story.
Vanessa's students tell Nick he is lucky.
Looking back on that first scrapbook it’s very weird they’re all over 21. They all hug goodbye.
Vanessa: "If you think I'm close with my students, my relationship with my family is on a whole other level."
Vanessa: "My family's approval is very important for me." She then alludes to going through a bad breakup which was "probably just as tough" on her family?
Nick jokes he's going to greet her family by saying "Buenos noches!"
Nick meets 100 people in Vanessa's Mom's family.
Brother Patrick is a ginger version of AJ Soprano.
Vanessa's family interrogates Nick and Vanessa on their plans.
Vanessa's Mom asks Nick, "What is it about Vanessa that really stood out?"
Nick: "Like, when she got out of the limo, like, I liked your daughter right away. SO CREEPY.
Vanessa's Mom: "But I'm not really want to know about the look-wise... I want her to find someone—her equal in a lot of ways."
Vanessa's sister questions Nick next. Sister: "She really does put her happiness aside... I'm just really scared for her. I'll hate you if you break her heart, I really will."
Vanessa chats with her creepy bro. Bro: "What would you do job-wise?" Vanessa: "Well, that's the thing. I don't know."
Bro Patrick: "You're like the greatest person in my life." Then he references her bad breakup again. How the fuck did this breakup affect her family so much? Bro Patrick: "I'm scared of that happening again."
Vanessa tells her sister how much she cares about Nick.
Sis: "What is he planning on doing after this anyway?"
Vanessa's Mom has similar questions.
Vanessa's Mom: "I have to pick her up again, and I don't want to go through this again, cause it's tough on me too." I don’t think my parents have felt burdened by any of my breakups??
Nick drags Vanessa out the door.
Hometown Date with Vanessa's Dad
Vanessa’s Stepmom looks just like her Mom.
Vanessa's Dad asks Nick the same question as the Mom, "What you find, you know, so special with uh, Vanessa compared to all the rest of the girls?" Nick fixed his answer for the Dad.
Nick: "I was initially drawn to her not just because I thought she was beautiful.."
Vanessa’s Dad re: three other Dads: "Did you ask their blessing also?"
Vanessa's Dad: "What do you mean, run it by them? It's yes or no." Love this guy.
Nick: "Um, this is real life for me." They shake on his half-blessing, closing the deal and ending the conversation.
Vanessa's Dad tells her that Nick asked for his blessing but that he had asked everyone's Dads. Vanessa is upset even though this happens in every season of this show.
Vanessa: "Knowing that’s a question that was shared with other people makes it less meaningful. If he’s not sure at this point in the game, that makes me want to re-evaluate where our relationship is at."
Nick puts her in the limo: "Stay out of your head OK?"
A quick cut to a dark curb puddle suggests Vanessa is NOT staying out of her head.
New York Rose Ceremony
Nick sips and ponders in the Big Apple.
They act as if Vanessa is gonna storm into Nick's hotel room to confront him.
Andi shows up at his door. Ugh. As if this will lead to ANYTHING. Most people watching this probably don't even know who she is.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Upcoming scenes from Nick's journey: more tears...
I LOVE these Revenant scenes they keep teasing us with:
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase