The trailer for Colton's upcoming season of The Bachelor has launched.
I think they got a bunch of 16-year-old girls this season because they're the only ones that want to go out a virginal bowl of milk.
The most important foreshadowing is right here though:
They go to Peru. Eerie is so old he can barely summon the energy to do this gesture. Eerie: “We’re finally here. In Peru!”
EERIE IS NATHAN FIELDER!!!! How did I not realize this before?
Imagine thinking you’re going on this show getting Hot Peter and getting Eerie. Eerie tells us there’s more to Peru than Machu Picchu. Could they not swing Machu Picchu funds?
Taxidermist's Fantasy Suite
This dude drives them over the sand in a dune buggy so that they don't crash like the RHOC ladies. Eerie completely phoning it in: "dune buggies are like a relationship, you know, there's ups and downs." They DO crash and get stuck on a sand mountain. Eerie and Taxidermist abandon the driver to deal with that. Eerie keeps eating the whole time Taxidermist tells him about her emotions. Kendall: “I don’t want Arie to date me just because I’m quirky.” V not into her self-awareness about how she's so "interesting."
Later at drinks…
Taxidermist tells Eerie she's “falling in love.” Eerie is so disgusting when he uses his baby voice during Pillow Time: “You’re so beautiful.” They bang.
The next morning…
Eerie: “This is what I learned about you last night. Is how you take your eggs.”
Eerie: “How are you feeling? Emotionally not just physically.” Get it? He fucked her? They have Pillow Time by the ocean.
LB's Fantasy Suite
LB puts on makeup while fife music plays. LB: “We’ll have a lot to talk about.” They literally never have anything to talk about. They have them fly in a helicopter over dope geoglyphs so it's so loud and you don't notice they're the most boring couple of all time.
LB tells Eerie about her fears. Eerie’s fucking baby voice again: “Yeah.” SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME PLEASE COUNT THE AMOUNT OF TIMES HE SAYS YEAH THIS EP.
LB: "I don’t know how you can do this but I need to feel like the only girl that you see." Eerie's only response is a dopey smile.
LB is so uninteresting it’s almost comes out the other side as interesting again. Eerie tries to reassure her that at the end of this, "I will have exhausted all those other relationships." And by "exhausted" of course I mean stuck my key in all of those other ignitions to completion first.
LB seems really nervous. EERIE TELLS LB HE LOVES HER. HE SAYS IT AGAIN. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE'S DONE THIS PRE-FUCKING THREE WOMEN!!! Unlovable Ben is the only other person to say "I love you" to two women but at least he waited until they were final two. Eerie pulls out the fantasy suite card from under a plate. He’s hid it???? They go fuck.
The next morning...
A rooster wakes up the boring white people. Eerie continuously does his baby voice: "I love you!!!" EERI'ES FUCKING OUTFIT!!! Eerie: "It’s going to get a little harder before it gets easier."
Becca's Fantasy Suite
They go in a boat. This date is so much better than those sand activities Taxidermist had to do. Becca: “I never thought I’d be on a catamaran with my boyfriend.”
Eerie: "How are you with distance?" They talk about moving to Scottsdale. My worst fucking nightmare is hanging with Eerie and his Mom and his lame car friends at the racetrack in Scottsdale. Their fantasy suite is a tiny tent in the desert? That SUCKS. LB had an en-suite hot tub but you get to share a freezing twin bed and shit in the sand.
Becca: "Can I live here now?" What? Why? Eerie tells Becca his three biggest fears. No love, unrequited love, and wrong choice love. Becca tells Eerie she loves him.
Eerie: “No I’m not falling I am… I love you.” They all think they’ve won when he tells them this. That’s why this is manipulating them into fucking.
The Next Morning...
Someone's Ex who can get it is here! Ex says he's so committed: "I’d climb every one of those sand dunes." It would be hilarious if this was Arie’s ex. It’s Becca’s ex though. Really coincidental timing he shows up in Peru right after Becca's fucked Eerie! He meets with Eerie first for some reason. He tells Eerie this is his "proposal to give her."
Eerie: "Do you think this is more the competition side of things?... We’re pretty far down the road."
Ex doesn't care: "Imma go get her." Eerie: "Fucking nerd." HAHA. "It’s a huge step from we broke up a year ago to I’m going to propose... It’s taking away from something pretty beautiful right now." Ex knocks on Becca's door.
Becca: “How did you know I’m here?” Becca asks for permission from the producers for them to sit on the stairs. Ex declares his love and tries to make her remember all their beautiful times in San Diego. Becca: "You live your life in a movie. You think it’s going to work out like the Notebook."
Becca rejects him. Ugh. Becca and Eerie chat… Eerie: "There has to be some part of him that thought this gesture would work." It's worked on me. Ex for new Bachelor.
There’s a horse for culture. Eerie for sure fucked all three of them. LB: "I’m going to throw up." Correct.
Eerie pulls Taxidermist and sends her home. It would be funny if she had to go to the airport in the same car as Becca’s Ex. I love when Eerie has to talk to both of them at the same time.