Taxidermist Kendall's LA Hometown
Taxidermist has somehow managed to make it to Hometowns without having a One-on-One. So she's literally introducing him to her family without being alone with him on a date! Great! Where will she take Eerie for her daytime-hometown in the cultural mecca of Los Angeles? A place of taxidermy. POST-WEINSTEIN, we're still portraying women on this show as one-dimensional and we have to re-hit the same joke over and over. She's the quirky one. Taxidermist explains that they're going to taxidermy rats.
Kendall tells Eerie she got into this because she'd find dead animals on hikes and want to preserve them. Normal hike stuff. They then make their rat corpses make out.
Eerie meets Kendall's family...
Kendall has an IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER NAMED KYLIE?!?!?!?!? I never stop reacting to this. She also has a brother named Colton who is kind of hot.
Taxidermist told Eerie that Kylie is super into reading energies and she's right. Kylie: "My fear for Kendall is that she'd lie to herself and jump into a relationship without actually having the base to really feel out everything." Kendall reassures her by telling her that her reaction to Eerie saying he was falling for her was to shut him up with a kiss. The fact that she can tell Eerie is a drip makes me love her and want her to be next Bachelorette.
Taxidermist's Dad asks Eerie if this is "something that's real?" then says BACHELOR IT'S 2018 and blessings are up to Kendall. But only the first part. Taxidermist follows Kylie's advice to lay it all on the table and tells Eerie she's falling for him.
Tattler Tia's Weiner, Arkansas Hometown
The titles person was so distracted by the name of Tia's hometown that they put Alaska's initials instead of Arkansas.
Tattler Tia takes Eerie racing cars in order to keep him so much in his comfort zone he'll forget that she doesn't resemble his mother physically as much as the other women. At least the hitting the one-note car-racing over and over extends to Eerie as well as the women.
Eerie meets Tattler Tia's parents...
Tia's Dad keeps calling Eerie "Airy" which makes me think he reads these recaps. SHOUTOUT TO TIA'S DAD! They do a little wiener toast.
Tattler Tia's brother pulls Eerie and asks him if all the internet rumors are true that Eerie is a huge player and a "Kissing Bandit". Eerie tells him he's done with all the loose fucking, that's not who he is now, and that he's ready to find a wife.
Eerie describes what he likes about Tia to her Dad as a "strong Southern woman who puts me in my place." It's like an alien put itself in a taxidermied 40-year-old skin suit and tries to say a sentence like someone with emotions about people would say.
Tia's Dad is also active on the same internet forums as his son and asks Eerie if he's a "playboy." Eerie points out that he might not realize that dating 25 women at once is "stressful." As EVERY SINGLE HOMETOWN, they advertise the Dad being tough but Tia's Dad quickly gives the blessing. Tia's Dad jokes: "If you hurt her, I can find you on Google." They have no chemistry but Tattler Tia tells Eerie that she's in love with him again, just as she did on their first date.
Becca K's Minneapolis Hometown
Becca takes Eerie to apple-pick where she and her friends annually take Instagram pictures to show they live in a place with fall. I still think she wins. LB has baggage. Tia Tattled. Kendall hates him.
Eerie meets Becca's family...
Becca tells Eerie that her Pastor Uncle Gary has been her second father after her Dad passed away when she was 19. Pastor Uncle Gary asks if Eerie will support Becca's religiousness. Eerie says yes and Pastor Uncle Gary is satisfied.
Becca tries to convince Mama K that this is real.
Eerie feeds Mama K some bullshit stock line of his parents "choosing each other every day" and she warms to him. He asks for the blessing and she's again like, if Becca deems you worthy, fine. THIS IS YOUR THIRD ONE EERIE. DON'T YOU AND THIS SHOW GET THAT BLESSINGS ARE A REMNANT OF A PAST WHEN FATHERS WOULD TRADE THEIR DAUGHTERS FOR SHIT LIKE GOATS AND ORE??!?! Eerie: "I LOVE THAT!" FUCKKKKKK UUUUUU!!!!!!!! Then he tells Becca he got her blessing even though he really didn't...
LB's Virginia Hometown
Goddamnit why do we have to do this. Someone wanted to marry her? Ugh. Eerie rides horses through the water with LB. They have Pillow Time at the top of a lighthouse. Before they meet Eerie, LB's family discuss the situation and wonder if "Arie realizes how conservative our family is." EVEN BETTER.
Eerie meets LB's family...
They sit LB and Eerie very far from the family and Eerie describes it as "tense... on a scale of 1 to having a complete meltdown, I'm at about an 8." They make him tell LB she's beautiful in Dutch but no one reacts.
LB's Dad: "Have you ever known anybody in a military family before?" Eerie: "No!" LB's Dad: "Do you play golf?" Eerie: "No." Eerie steps out from the dinner POURING SWEAT. Jesus Christ is he going to pick her?
Eerie wins him back with a story of him and his racecar friends going to Iraq to hang out with soldiers. LB's Mom is also won over, "I trust Lauren."
LB tries to assuage her Mom's reservations by telling her that they can read each other's thoughts just by looking at each other.
She tells her that Eerie said he was falling in love with her and that he never would have said that if he said it "to other people." LB's Mom: "I hope it's real." How can it POSSIBLY be real?
Eerie flies back to LA and faces his Top Four. He immediately crumbles and leaves the room. When he finally gets his shit together, he pulls Kendall. Tattler Tia thinks the three remaining make the most sense for a Top Three.
Eerie basically tells Taxidermist that he's going to pick someone else he doesn't like as much unless she says she'll get engaged: "If you stay, someone else goes who's very ready to get married." Taxidermist Kendall doesn't give in but also says she doesn't want to break up. This is enough for Eerie to feel satisfied with keeping her for Fantasy Suites.
ROSES for Becca, LB, and TAXIDERMIST! Tattler Tia is heartbroken and asks Eerie what she did wrong and why she's not good enough and now I'm heartbroken. HE FUCKING SUCKS GIRL!!!! Eerie tells her "there's just something missing... not about your worth." It's not about your worth. You just don't look like my Mom like, AT ALL.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 12 (Air Date: 3/13/17)
Guys, it's here. The episode that is POSSIBLY Vile Nick Viall's last Bachelor franchise episode ever. That's after 14 episodes of The Bachelor, 21 episodes of The Bachelorette, and 11 episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. 46. A true epoch. He's listed after ONLY Lord Harrison on The Bachelorette's IMDB page.
Lord Harrison repeatedly calls this episode "historic" and he twice describes Nick's search for love as "desperate." I totally get how this is desperate, but how is this historic? Is someone going to give birth on stage? They've already done: a live breakup of Jake and Vienna, an attempt to force a spontaneous wedding with a priest of Ben and Lauren, Bachelor Jason go back on his decision and choose his runner up, and they've even had an on-stage Ultrasound exam to reveal Ashley's baby's gender. Have they not done it all?!
Lord Harrison ponders how Nick will choose between "two beautiful women."
We're in Rovaniemi, Finland. Nick leads a dance train of elves through the town.
Raven Re-Meets Nick's Parents
Nick had to pick his favorite four of his eleven siblings to fly out to be in the finale. The featured sister who's 30 years younger than him is of course there.
Nick's Mom: "So, do you have a favorite?"
Nick says he likes both. Nick’s hair is so coiffed it's practically a mohawk at this point.
Nick’s Dad looks like Ben Linus from LOST.
Raven meets the parents again.
Nick’s family all seem like they’ve taken sedatives. Nick’s Mom (re: Raven): “I can’t see her hurting anybody.” Nick’s Mom obviously hasn't heard the stiletto story yet.
Nick's sister is on the same emotional maturity level as Raven so she talks to her first.
Raven sucks up to her and tells her she's not going to like Vanessa.
Side note: Nick’s Mom has a nose piercing.
Vanessa Meets Nick's Parents
Vanessa sums herself up for Nick's parents: "I love my family, I love my friends."
Vanessa’s first story she tells Nick's parents is how she puked on him. She's very aggressive talking to them and seems 20 years older than Raven.
Vanessa: "I can't picture myself not getting engaged with Nick."
Vanessa and Nick's Dad discuss love and Nick’s Dad starts crying.
Vanessa starts crying.
Nick Discusses the Women with his Family
Nick: "I think I would be lying if I said how different this is." Nick’s Mom starts crying about how he was rejected by Caitlyn and Andi.
We check back in with Lord Harrison and half the white women of Los Angeles.
Vanessa's Last Date
Nick picks up Vanessa again.
We get a fun Dancing with the Stars graphic superimposed over him.
Nick says that this week is "a two-way street more."
Nick can't ride a horse.
There is a random shot of Santa in the woods hiding behind a tree.
Santa is not addressed for a while.
Then they happen upon a cabin out out comes a man in a Santa costume. I really wish this was Neil Lane or Lord Harrison.
Vanessa SCREAMS: “OUT CAME SANTA CLAUS!!!”
They go in Santa Claus’s little house in the snow. Santa asks what's at the top of their wish lists. Nick: “I guess I'd have to say love!”
Santa gives them a present which is a carving caricature of the couple with two symbols. Vanessa: “One represents happiness and the other represents fertility.”
Vanessa: “Santa Claus believes and sees a future between Nick and I.”
Vanessa: “What is your type?” Nick: “Smart, strong, confident women, but it eventually gets to the point where it boils over.”
Vanessa tells Nick she doesn't want him to propose to her because her relationship is slightly greater than his relationship with someone else.
Nick’s not giving Vanessa his gloves? Nick strokes Vanessa’s bare hand with his gloved hand.
Later that night…
Vanessa: “Every time I ask you a question, the answers are general.”
Nick responds with gibberish about being careful with his heart.
Vanessa: "Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?"
Nick: "I feel like the week’s not over."
Vanessa: "I don’t like that answer."
Nick: "I know what you want to hear."
Vanessa doesn't think the situation is romantic but Nick does.
Nick: "If you want to find a million different scenarios where you can DE-ROM, UN-ROM... make it less then you probably can… When I’ve been with you I’ve only thought of you."
Nick: "I want it at the end to feel different and special. That’s how I need to get there."
Nick makes out with her and shakes her as she’s crying.
Nick is very into Vanessa's fluids. Vom. Tears. w/e.
Vanessa: “It is scary to think that you don’t know what is to come.” Nick wipes away Vanessa’s tears.
Nick: "It breaks my heart that I can’t make Vanessa feel better."
We get a quick shot of Lord Harrison lounging on his throne couch.
Raven's Last Date
Nick takes Raven ice skating "since skating is our thing."
Nick: "It’s just so playful and fun and it’s easy not to think about anything else." NICK’S FUCKING ICE DANCING.
Raven: "To think this could be my last date as a single person is crazy.”
Nick once again forces Raven to the ground to make out with her.
AHHHH Nick brings in lil puppies. This is the only Bachelor date I would’ve liked to go on.
Later that night at drinks…
Nick says he can’t move his neck from stress.
Raven tells Nick she'd say yes if he proposes.
Nick leaves and ponders. There's a knock on his door. Is it Santa? It's Neil Lane.
Nick Meets with Neil Lane for the Fourth Time
Nick: "Hello friend." Neil Lane is so consistently a creepy wax figure.
Nick picks the biggest ring.
Pondering shots of Vanessa. She is crying again. Now Raven ponders. Raven: “I see Nick as a father. I see him as a husband.”
Nick ponders the ring.
Re: Raven, Nick: “Everything tells me she would say yes."
Nick enters a sexy lodge in Poropirtti, Finland.
We get MORE foreshadowing as Nick waits for his women.
Nick Dumps Raven
Raven enters first, trips, and Lord Harrison grabs her coat. He asks, "You good?"
The doors are covered in dead grass.
Raven: “I couldn’t be more sure to tell you tonight. I love you.”
Nick's eyes dart around as Raven talks to him.
Nick starts crying: "I just don’t know if I’m in love. I just like, I know my heart's somewhere else... I’m just sorry.”
Raven says she regrets nothing and starts crying.
Nick: "I'm going to miss you."
Raven leaves without her coat. Raven: “Is it just that no one can feel that way about me?”
Nick Proposes to Vanessa
Nick: “I’ve been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time. And I feel like sometimes I’ve been fighting it. And I’m not fighting it anymore.”
Nick hopes this wasn't "wasted tears and wasted broken hearts.” Two giveaways to Vanessa: Lord Harrison grabs Vanessa's coat and Raven's is still hanging there. Also Nick picks her up.
Nick: "I will never forget the first moment I saw you... I’ll never forget the first moment I started falling in love with you... Being next to you I felt something very very special."
Nick sobs. Nick: "I'm in love with you."
Nick: "I’m glad I don’t have to try to not say it."
Vanessa: "Knowing how much you love to talk, I promise I'm ready to do a lot of listening." Weird line to end on.
Nick gets down on one knee.
Nick’s look up at Vanessa after he puts ring on her finger is SO weird!!!
Nick gives her the final rose.
Nick and Vanessa say they are so happy to be engaged.
Nick makes a euphemism about banging and then slaps Vanessa's ass.
They get in the back of a sleigh being driven by a little old man and ride off into the gray din.
Great season guys. A nice reminder that true love does exist!
I could NOT be more excited for Rachel as The Bachelorette. Everything they do is going to feel racist. Every. Single. Thing. I'm hibernating until May 22nd.