Guys, I've been getting DEEP into LOVE ISLAND. It's a Big-Brother-style British dating show on Netflix. Do yourself a favor and go to there. Bach needs to step it up.
Back to this other huge consumer of my time and emotional energy. They're in the Maldives. Bex ponders her love choices while doing yoga and then emerges from the pool contemplatively.
MAGA MEETS BEX FAM
Bex's family has flown out and she tells them she loves both guys. Bex's blonde sister looks like Artemis from ITS ALWAYS SUNNY. MAGA demonstrates his intelligence once again, giving a speech on how Bex's Dad is looking down on him banging Bex.
MAGA explains the ex-wife and how they broke up two months later. There was a big blow out "and she never tried to work through my family with that." What would he do differently? "Lean more on my family and seek out their advice and hone in on what they are trying to tell me." Trust the Bloodline more. Jesus Christ. MAGA starts crying about Bex's Dad and his own deceased relatives.
Bex's sister tells her that MAGA cried. Bex says she's "seen that side."
MAGA re: his potential wife possession: "I'll literally go to the end of the world for them."
MAGA cries to Bex's sister, "I think she's my person." Bex starts crying. Bex's sister: "Girl, I don't know how you're going to make a decision. He is fabulous." Yup she's been a sleuthy sis. HOW ABOUT WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR TR-NEXT!! Jk I don't think any of these people vote. Have you ever liked images on Instagram claiming that the child victims of a school shooting are paid actors? I guess you don't assume you need to ask that.
BLAKE MEETS BEX FAM
Blake tells them: "I gravitate towards strong women, independent women."
Bex tells her sister Blake is similar to her. Sis: "They are very different... With Garrett he'd be a wonderful father and I love his silliness... Blake would challenge you. He would be more of a teammate." *He would treat you like an equal. @BachelorClues: "How do you fuck someone without knowing if they voted for Donald Trump???"
WTF LORD HARRISON HAS TO DO THE MOST AWKWARD AD EVER FOR CRAZY RICH ASIANS. SO FUCKING SWEATY. Weird to call attention to the fact that they never have anyone Asian on this show/they never make it past first few weeks.
Bex's family says Blake is more on her level. Then her sister says, "You are my soul mate" and they reveal they say "I love you" on the phone to each other every night. That is fucking psycho.
DOLPHIN MAGA DATE
Bex greets MAGA with a full body possession, further confirming he's the one and everything is terrible.
Bex: "This is where I'd die. With all the dolphins."
MAGA: "You my baby dolphin." He's a fucking idiot.
LATER THAT NIGHT...
MAGA spews a bunch of nonsense: "I feel like the Fourth of July. You don't give me butterflies. You give me eagles."
MAGA: "I can hear the laughter of little kids running around. I can hear her accent in my head. Asking me if I packed a lunch bag for the kids. I love the way she says "bag." I love her little quirkiness and her accent. It gets me every time."
BLAKE'S LAST STAND
They go bike riding. Bex: "He stimulates me... He's really everything I could want in a partner." She keeps saying he's great on paper. No surprise this leads to...
Bex tells him she loves someone else more.
He cries into a towel, "I'm so alone... fuck I knew it."
BACK TO THE STUDIO
Lord Harrison: "Tears flowing, as I'm sure there are all across America." Blake is playing The Bachelor card-- I want her to be happy blah blah blah. This is so boring. I don't want him to be Bach. Bach producers, please just pay one million dollars to Hot Peter.
Lord Harrison: "You have broken the internet."
LET'S GET BACK TO THE DARKNESS!!
BEX PICKS MAGA. FUCK EVERYTHING.
MAGA gives his dumb fucking speech. Bex tells him, "You were the first guy I wrote about in my journal... You reminded me of home and one of the most important men in my life, my Dad." This is my way of being with my Dad again. "I love you. I love you so much."
MAGA: "You do? Omg I love YOU so much! Rebbeca Jo Kufrin, will you marry me?"
MAGA: "Give me that finger!"
Bex: "We're engaged!" MAGA wipes his sweaty hands on his butt. Bex gives him final rose. "That's the last time I'll ever do that." MAGA: "Off the market. Sorry fellas! She's all mine."
They shimmy at each other. I knew this was going to happen but it's still super, super upsetting.
BEX AND MAGA ARE REUNITED
Lord Harrison: "Now there's tears in here for a very different reason." Because America is dead. Bex: "I don't know why I'm yelling!"
Bex looks freshly botoxed. This is dark. Welcome to the family. Lord Harrison points out how MAGA has lipstick on his face, "As long as that lipstick's [Becca's]." MAGA is a fucking idiot and doesn't get the joke: "It is!" Has he already cheated on her? Lord Harrison takes credit for helping to pay for the ring.
They point out MAGA's brother in the audience. They do their white power hand gesture to each other. Lord Harrison calls out Bex's sister. She starts crying with happiness for Bex.
Lord Harrison asks about the similarities between MAGA and Bex's Dad. Bex: "They have so many similar hobbies and interests. He found his faith in the outdoors and that's exactly how Garrett is too."
They do a new segment to try to pitch their spinoff series: "Welcome to our weekend getaway!" Bex: "We drink a lot of wine and whatever else. We have a lot of fun together."
Bex: "He snores." MAGA: "No, I purr." He's literally already said that joke on the show.
THEY ADDRESS THE INSTAGRAM LIKES SCANDAL!!
MAGA: "Some stuff came out about my social media. I didn't realize the effect behind a double tap... I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings." Bex: "I got to see who he is, his heart his soul." In front of cameras... vs WHO HE IS: the likes he made when he thought no one was watching.
"We'll continue to educate ourselves." Bex talks about him like he's a puppy that just pooped on the rug. MAGA: "I didn't stand behind those likes." He's literally repeating stock phrases over and over: "it's made them stronger as a couple" and they're getting better as people.
Bex: "Some terrible things are being said about him." Whoops... But are they more terrible than saying a school shooting victim is lying about their CHILD friends who have been slaughtered??? Huh Bex????
Bex: "I can only ask that people allow us to grow and learn from this." MAGA: "I can't change my past." Lord Harrison: "I appreciate you addressing that." How has he addressed it?! Fuck him. Fuck them. "The smile has not left her face." YES IT HAS. HER FACE IS STONE NOW.
Bex: "First trip Costco! Maybe go into a pet store... Dogs!... I think we might come out to California for a little bit." NO SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
I want Lord Harrison to ask MAGA basic questions about history. He'll blow. Bex: "We found a stray cat and brought it in." MAGA brings them home sometimes. He's literally her child.
Lord Harrison: "we're sending you back to Thailand!... and I have a gift for you but it's outside." It's a fucking minivan. Oh my god. There's a baby basinet inside. CONTINUE THE BLOODLINE RIGHT NOW!!!
Has there ever been a darker end of this show? Oh wait it's always like this and I always feel like this and I'm trapped.
Go watch Love Island.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 11 (Air Date: 8/7/17)
They’re bringing out Rachel to give live commentary on the finale for the first time. How else could they fill THREE HOURS. This makes it feel incredibly anti-climactic. Rachel's clearly there against her own will: "I don’t know why you guys keep doing this stuff to me... Can I leave?" Feels so Hunger Games: "This trip doesn't end when you get back home... From now on, your job is to be a distraction. So people forget what the real problems are."
Why doesn’t Rachel crash viewing parties? Lord Harrison peers into our souls as Rachel talks about where her head was at on the date with Hot Peter for the millionth time.
Back to the Show...
Hot Peter and Rachel continue their fantasy suite date. Hot Peter: "What if I’m not ready to say will you marry me?" Rachel: "Honestly? That I’m trying not to cry." They haven’t even had sex and she's demanding he know if he'll propose already... My main takeaway this episode is that Rachel's Ex traumatized her by never wanting to take things to the next level and she's totally over-correcting for it in her current relationships... Rachel cries and Hot Peter accepts the fantasy suite.
THE NEXT MORNING...
Peter and Rachel bang out and then pop out the windows.
Bryan-of-Olga’s Fantasy Suite Date
Rachel and Bryan-of-Olga ride horses in a vineyard. She picks the "brown one of course" because "it matches me." Bryan-of-Olga says a bunch more Mad Libs-love-version-bullshit about their relationship: "I'm looking to be really romantic, just the ease and the comfort level that we have, is something that can’t be compared to. So I’m just looking to continue that."
Rachel: "Peter messed with my mind." Bryan-of-Olga notices, saying it was "Just awkward... I felt like she wasn’t all there."
Later at Dinner…
Bryan tells Rachel, "I didn’t feel you all 100% there... Like you know how women have their intuition?" Like you know how anything my mother has ever said has been right? Rachel: "It’s nothing personal to you or what you did or what you said." Bryan-of-Olga: "I felt down." Rachel looks at him like a child: “Did you feel down?”
And with that, Bryan-of-Olga has won the Fantasy Suite. He accepts with his standard percentage of enthusiasm: "Absolutely. 1000%. Thank you, Chris." Bryan side-smiles creepily and really shows us dem cheeks.
As they walk to the suite, Bryan-of-Olga says he's ready to break down her walls and "take that last brick down."
The next morning…
We see Spanish banging imagery.
As post-coital humans do, Rachel and Bryan-of-Olga intimately make out whilst feeding each other strawberries.
Rachel: "I’m extra sensitive because this is the rose ceremony where I want home."
Rachel says something very pointed about wanting a proposal, "not a boyfriend", and then picks Bryan-Of-Olga and Hot Peter. Goodbye Eric.
Rachel walks Eric out: "I do love you. I’m not in love with you." Eric: "I’ll always love you. That’s just the truth."
Rachel: "Eric is such an amazing and beautiful person. It’s also why I’m not completely confident in my decision to say goodbye to him."
Eric gets in limo: "I’m just going to miss her bro… She was the one for sure."
Hot Peter acknowledges Rachel calling him out about proposals: "She looked at me like dead in my eyes."
Peter and Bryan take turns hugging Rachel. She cheerses both of them.
Eric comes out at the Live Finale...
He looks great with facial hair. Lord Harrison: "How’s your heart?" Eric: "She told me she loved me and then I got the boot." Eric admits he was ready to propose and was "locked in." Rachel uses a classic line: "You’re going to be so great for someone else."
BACK TO SHOW...
Bryan-of-Olga trudges through a field.
Hot Peter takes notes on his emotions.
Bryan-Of-Olga's Last Date
Rachel: "We’re going to explore Rioja in a different way." It would be great if this meant through the sewers. They go on a hot air balloon. They wave to a family. Bryan is clearly pissed he had to get up early for this date: "What are they doing up so early?"
Later that Night...
Rachel: "You have been a great surprise for me and it’s been beautiful getting to know you… I’m used to fixing, I’m used to saving."
Rachel's saying Hot Peter is the project. Bryan-of-Olga doesn't think she should go with Project Peter though: "I realize there’s somebody else here but I’m confident that I can make you the happiest. I think it would be a mistake if you didn’t choose me." UGH.
Bryan made her a Spanish English dictionary to summarize his meaningless love affirmations. Babe, just close your eyes and point to a few different words and you'll get a classic Bryanism. It includes "Lips", "Chemistry", and misspelling "Por Siempre."
Hot Peter's Last Date
Hot Peter and Rachel go to a Monastery. There's a series of religious images and then a monk asks them their thoughts on "marriage."
Hot Peter gives the monk his spiel on the importance and sanctity of marriage and then they go outside. Rachel asks him about the future again. Hot Peter describes their dulllllll future: "I can see football games and baseball nights and the farmers market and wine night with painting."
Hot Peter: "I have no fears for marriage… The idea of having multiple marriages scares me. And to me multiple proposals is one and the same." Rachel: "Yeah, you definitely need to figure that out." Peter: "24 hours to do it is a very scary thought."
Later that Night…
Rachel talks to Peter about the Rose Ceremony. Peter: "I knew you were speaking directly to me. I am in love with you. But these feelings are so recent... I don’t feel that I’m ready to ask you to marry me tomorrow. But I don’t want to stop being with you."
Rachel: "You’re talking to me about vacations and dogs and what sized bed we're gonna have... but you can't take that step."
Peter: "I know that I want to try." Rachel: "I’m not looking for an instant 'I want to marry you'."
Hot Peter asks if she knows he's the one and she can't answer.
Peter: "So if I can’t… you walk away?"
They then play out the hypothetical scenario of Peter proposing just to not lose her. Rachel: "I want somebody who knows what they want." Peter lashes out: "Then go find someone you'll have a mediocre life with."
Peter grasps at straws and says maybe things will change by tomorrow. Rachel: "I can’t do tomorrow if you’re telling me you want to be my boyfriend." Peter: "Then I do nothing but wish you the very best. I think we're both going to regret this decision... I am. If you change your mind, you know where you can find me."
Hot Peter: "I love you Rachel." They make out a LOT.
RACHEL: "I love you too."!!!!!
She walks out. Peter takes off his sweater and wipes his tears.
Peter to himself: “What is wrong with me?”
We cut back to Lord Harrison: "That kiss. Those tears."
Rachel: "I cried my eyelashes off."
PETER COMES OUT!! BREAKUP WAS REAL?!?!?!
Peter: "I’m shaking like a leaf right now."
Rachel alludes to their breakup being about "other deep-rooted issues that started in Geneva."
Peter: "I couldn’t get out of my head."
Rachel blatantly lies that she likes that he took his time and was true to himself.
Lord Harrison asks Peter about his "mediocre" comment implying she'd "pick a proposal over happiness" and Peter apologizes. Rachel SCREAMS ALOUD TO BACHELOR NATION that she's not settling and: "I'm living my best life."
Lord Harrison: "You seem a little upset." Rachel: "No, I'm not angry. Angry is a strong word."
Peter says he’s frustrated. She wanted Peter to pick her. She’s being super mean to him. Peter: "I feel attacked." He mentions he tried to reach out to her and she declined.
Rachel: "Why do you feel attacked? That’s a strong word."
Peter: "It is a strong word. I can’t speak to it at this point."
Rachel labels that confrontational conversation closure.
Let’s see Bryan act out a proposal scene...
Rachel Picks Bryan-Of-Olga
Bryan-of-Olga is still as boring and confident as usual: "I’m a little nervous but I’m confident once again." I've compared him to Josh Murray before and I do think he is very similar in how rehearsed he sounds but he definitely doesn't have the entertaining psychotic aggression of Josh.
Bryan speaks in Spanish again... Cool...
Bryan-of-Olga tells Rachel when they met "it was like a chemistry bomb had exploded."
Rachel tells him she's "always been drawn to the excitement of complicated relationships" so she tried "to find cracks in what seemed like the perfect foundation...
really had to do some soul-searching." I don’t believe EITHER of them.
Rachel: "This love is so mature."
He gets down on one knee. Rachel squeals.
Her family is going to be so upset!! Me, depressed: "If he wins, why didn’t they edit it to make him more likable?" My sage friend: "There was no footage."
Bryan cannot stop speaking Spanish. It is all he has. This feels dark and sinister.
She asks if he wants her final rose and he fucking says, "1000%" AGAIN!!!
Bryan-of-Olga: "Show 'em that rock." Disgusting. He says a bunch more Spanish shit and Rachel says, "I heard 'esposa!' I hear the key phrases!" Kind of sums up her relationship with Bryan. She literally just heard all she wanted to hear. RACHEL YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS.
Back to Lord Harrison's viewing party...
Bryan mugs backstage for the camera using some of the gestures he must've learned when he was onthe reality show THE PLAYER.
BRYAN-OF-OLGA COMES OUT AT FINALE...
Bryan gets down on a knee, "Will you re-marry me?" I’m surprised he didn’t bring out her watch and force her to wear it too.
Another Bryan-of-Olga fucking humble brag: "There was a weather issue. I actually thought Peter was getting eliminated before I was."
Bryan-of-Olga: "The attorney in her-- that actually turns me on." I fucking hate Bryan fucking piece of shit.
Hey, Women of Bachelor Nation, maybe you too should get a career to make more men want to fuck you!!! Bryan can't wait to “walk Copper.”
Now I'm really losing it. Him hanging out with Copper probably makes me the most mad out of all the consequences of this.
EWWWW THE PEOPLE MAGAZINE COVER... This feels like Trump winning all over again. Fucking fuck.
Yeah, I'm gonna end with shoot me in the fucking face... At least Bryan can't be next Bachelor...