Hey guys. Apologies. Was out of town but I am here for this season despite Not-Hot-Peter/a poor man's Zach Braff/a-dusty-mop-that's-barely-gained-sentience being the Bachelor. Lord Harrison is assuring us SO hard that Arie is a catch. He’s a realtor in Arizona with Mommy issues who’s never won a car race but the producers know we’re all way too deep in this darkness for that to stop us from watching. Joy!!! A boring creep from FIVE seasons ago is the most eligible man they can find? Are you really getting that much of a bump from the fact that yes, technically, he was on this show before?? I'm hearing he's friends with producers and has been waiting in the wings for someone to fall through this whole time.
You only need to know two things from Episode 1. The first is that when asked, Eerie said the three things in life that made him excited are "excitement" and "pizza." The second is the general vibe, summed up below:
This season so far feels very old-school-Bachelor. There’s less gimmicks. No one already hocking their own merch convulses and screams "Whaboom" in the Bachelor's face. The only costume is a tasteful mask that’s removed almost immediately. No dolphin-sharks. No grandmas along for the ride. I’m wondering if this tone shift is because this is the first season Post-Weinstein. What is a show based entirely on manipulating women's emotions via alcohol and the skewed power dynamics of a 30-women-to-one-prized-man-ratio supposed to do in these tricky times?! Make the Bachelor seem like the dullest serial killer ever appears to be the answer.
In case you think this season will be any less exploitative of the women though—the last clip before the episode starts is non-consensual filming-- Bibiana shouting to get the cameras out of her face.
Lord Harrison tells the women Eerie Arie is on his way and the women discuss Eerie's "hypnotic eyes". Manic Pixied Pixie Dream Girl has the only appropriate reaction.
How's he arriving? Via a cool machine of course.
There’s a new font for their names/”job” descriptions?! It's inappropriately jarring for me.
Becca K's One-on-One Date
Enter fashion lady Rachel Zoe. Eerie’s intro for her is terrible: “If you look over there, here she is!”
Eerie/Rachel Zoe/THE FUCKING SHOW gives Becca K. all these fancy dresses and she's forced to model them for Eerie.
Becca: “This isn’t normal life. You guys are experiencing the best day of my life. I could die tomorrow.” Eerie makes her twirl.
Eerie then kneels before Becca K Cinderella-style and gives her a box of Louboutins. He also makes this face:
Eerie is obsessed with his blue eyes and talks about his and Becca K's eyes for an inordinate amount of time. This makes sense when you consider that his eyes are literally the only thing going for him. I’m predicting now he chooses someone with blue eyes.
Eerie tells her he knew she’d appreciate this date-- "this would be cool to spoil you." Disgusting. He also tells her he knew she'd appreciate this over the other girls who are used to being spoiled.
They drink champagne and Eerie says a prepared line to hint that he wins racecar competitions: “I don’t normally drink it. I spray it.” I spray everything I’ve ever eaten on the screen. WE KNOW YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY A RACECAR DRIVER ARIE.
Eerie again: “I want to spoil you.” He gives her jewelry from a suited emissary of Neil Lane. THIS IS SO CREEPY WHY IS EERIE PUTTING EARRINGS IN HER EARS?! She questions his actions and he explains he does it for his Mom. What in the actual fuck.
Then he non-consensually holds her hair up like a doll to admire his handiwork.
Eerie tells her: "I love that you are going into this with an open mind and are relaxed." Once he's certain she's relaxed he unleashes the pillow lips.
Becca K. briefly interrupts their date to go show the women left behind her wares. Jealousy abounds.
Eerie stumbles through a product placement line: “Just seeing her walk through that doorway here at the Hudson Loft is just kind of my perfect night.” I take it all back. He's a charisma king.
Later at drinks...
Making the shots the producers want seem natural is an art form and Eerie sucks at it. He forces Becca K. to make out with him by pawing her face towards him when the confetti falls. Eerie: “Are you gonna stick around next week?” ARE WE?! I mean, yes.
Krystal's One-on-One sCOTTSALE Date
Raspy-voiced-Krystal reads her date card and then tells the women, "Alright time for some beauty sleep!" DEATH STARES. Into her attitude.
They fly to Scottsdale, AZ-- Eerie's hometown and SHOCKER where he still lives. Eerie offers his first explanation of why he's chosen Krystal: “She’s so comforting.” Eerie wants a Mom.
Eerie shows Krystal the willow trees where he had his first kiss.
Eerie: “This is my house.” His room looks like a child's hotel room. Does he have a twin bed???
Eerie shows Krystal some home videos where he's an asshole child. Eerie: “I’m literally so embarrassed.” Did he not put the video on? Are they holding him hostage with those videos?
Krystal is hesitant about Eerie's "close relationship with his Mom." She's supposedly the first girl to meet Eerie's parents since his ex, Mom Emily. They’re doing this just to piss off the women who are not here. Krystal looks JUST like the Mom and it all comes together.
The biggest twist of this episode is there’s an even lamer version of Eerie. Eerie’s bro: “I would just want to be like my older brother.”
Eerie offers his second explanation of Choosing Krystal to his parents: “We took a couple deep breaths together. And so I thought this would be the right time to show her Scottsdale!”
Later at Drinks...
Eerie describes how "the veil has been lifted. I'm trying to be cool and impressive... tell me a little about you?" Krystal tells him how she basically raised herself and how her brother is now homeless. Eerie reassures her: “It doesn’t reflect negatively on you.” Fuck. Offffff.
Eerie explains that part of the reason for the early trip home is it's "a light for my Mom to see that this is OK. My son is fine." It would be hilarious if he checks in with Mom every episode.
Eerie: “I love your story.” There's so many contenders for his grossest statement of this episode.
Car-Crashing Group Date
Eerie greets the women by doing some donuts and then this pose. Eerie wants to see "who can have fun with it." It being car crashes.
Mask Annaliese gives a sob story about her getting trapped in a bumper car as a child and we are blessed with a recreation of that trauma using a random kid in a bumper car.
Lord Harrison asks: "Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a race track?" He’s never won a race??? WHY IS HE HERE/ARE WE BEING SUBJECTED TO THIS??? Eerie cheers on the girls as they smash each other's cars.
Lord Harrison says the most bougie statement of the episode: “The good is news is Robby, you and I don’t have to clean this up.”
Later at drinks...
Mom Chelsea grabs Eerie first again and tells Eerie she's been super mysterious because she has a child. She later explains to the women that she steals him first because she's a Mom.
Seinne is worldy, gorgeous, and went to Yale. WTF is she doing here??? Eerie doesn't know either: "She went to Yale. I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut."
Bibby is getting pissed because she's the last one to get time with Eerie: "My patience has been trialed."
Annaliese: "Can somebody hug her?"
Bibby: “No, nobody fucking touch me... If you guys fucking follow me with this damn camera I swear to god.” She slams the door.
Lots of girls get Eerie's pillows tonight. Eerie awkwardly thanks Mom Chelsea for opening up but then gives the group date rose to Seinne.
Eerie gives Brittany a meaningless award for Most Hardcore for getting concussed in the car crash date.
Eerie: “I lead with chemistry and with Bekah there's a lot of that.” Pixie Bekah M gets pillowed. She's playing the long game with this line: “I’m simple, I’m no drama, and I'm easy to please.”
The women get pissed that Krystal already has a rose and pulls Eerie to talk to a few times. Krystal to Eerie in front of other women: “Hi baby!” OOF.
Marikh: “What color’s your underwear?” Eerie: “It’s black.” Marikh: “That’s cute.” Is it?
Eerie says he brought his dog but we haven’t seen it... da FUQ?? Why haven’t they showed us the dog to make us be endeared to Arie???
Bibby goes off on Krystal for interrupting her: "If I'm trying to talk to my man, you need to back the fuck up."
Bibby: "I'm done with you. There are a lot of angry people here and I’m just the voice. Mic Drop."
Taxidermist reveals her dead seal to Eerie. Eerie reassures her that he spends time with a lot of people with weird hobbies: “I have a friend that collects doll parts.” Jesus fucking Christ. He said that SO fast it's gotta be him.
Eerie sends home Jenny, a Lauren, and Spray Tan Girl. Jenny refuses to say bye to him and he chases after her. Jenny: "I'm not sad about leaving you I'm sad about leaving my new friends." HAHA. Eerie forces her to hug him bye anyways.
Jenny: “He literally picked a taxidermist over me.” I hope we get a new dead animal each week. EP 3 AIRS TONIGHT!