First things first, I was RIGHT. The whole episode WAS a shitty Virginia ad. They paid $536,000 in incentives. Only mildly surprised Bach paid so much for a shitty goth dance party and two off-brand president impersonators.
Anyway. The Gang goes to the Bahamas. Bex ponders at the end of a speedboat then has to have another fucking Lord Harrison interview. Lol Bex wants: "Number one, no drama." Lord Harrison asks if she's falling in love with anyone. Bex: "yaaaasheee!"
Someone: "Do you think Colton’s going to bring up his secret today?" Leo: "Who knows what she’s going to feel after that information?" Better or worse than finding out I did porn?
Bex has already been tricked though: "He’s this blonde god... He could pick me up and do whatever he wants to do." They do a virgin titanic on a boat and Colton tries to tell her about his sexless secret but another boat happens to interrupt at the same time. Producers can't blow their load too soon. A local named Action makes them dive for conchs and calls it Bahamas Viagra.
They make Bex say all these conch phrases: "He really knows how to work that conch." SCRIPTED PUNS DO NOT A PERSONALITY MAKE, BACH PRODUCERS. They chew worms. Bex: "I don’t think Colton and I need any aphrodisiacs."
Later at Drinks...
Bex: "He would have to drop a crazy bomb to not get a rose." Colton finally spews his load: "I spent a lot of time working on football Colton and I sort of forgot who personal life Colton was... Haven’t had many girlfriends or dates because of sports." Bex: "Really?"
Back at the Hotel...
MAGA: "There’s so many questions and so many skeletons in the closet... I definitely wouldn’t put a ring on that finger without knowing what I was getting into." Yeah, who KNOWS what might happen if you rashly put a ring on it.
Back on the Date...
Colton talks about how hard it was hiding his virginity on his high school/college football teams: "Growing up in a locker room environment wasn’t the easiest for me... I made up a lot of lies just to fit in... Why didn’t I stand up for the man I am? I’m not waiting for marriage I’m waiting for a heart... I want that to be a gift I give to someone." Worst gift ever.
I call bullshit. No one accidentally stays a virgin/doesn't get around to it, ESPECIALLY when they look like that.
Bex gives him the rose and says: "Perfect ending to a perfect day." THEN THEY BOTH SAY: "Amen amen!"
Blake's freaking out about not getting picked yet: "She has to know this is killing me."
Bex: "Screw the plane!"
MAGA: "She knows I love fun adventure." He's literally a 6-year-old. MAGA: "Last night was the most awkward return... [but] I don’t let things get me down."
MAGA: "The world's not perfect but I think we can be perfect together." She’s now searching for HIS virginity card by prying about his ex-wife. Bex tries to ask casually: "You’re never unhappy... I need depth... Have you dated since then? What other than adventure was there?" MAGA: "She would act out.”
Bex: "Maybe you like the idea of of this?" MAGA with a slow threat: "You’d get a sense." MAGA smart enough to know what to drop this week: "The way you’re fiddling with my shirt right now... I’m beginning to fall in love with you." Bex: "You just made my night." Fuck she must pick him. Bex: "Let’s meet your people."
They go dancing and Blake could not be trying harder to seem like a fun, playful dance man instead of a bundle of insecurity.
In deep talks at drinks, Bex reveals she sympathizes with Eerie now. Bex: "It's crazy." It’s also crazy how I fucked MAGA LITERALLY right over there.
Blake reveals that he got in his head and then tells the most INSANE story of his parents' divorce wherein his mother had an affair with his basketball coach/English teacher and never told the family until she'd moved out. Jesus Christ. To air that shit on national tv is what is actually crazy. He goes on about wanting openness in his new family and then drops the first L-bomb: "Becca I am in love with you." Bex: "You’re going to make my heart burst." He says it again to get the first two I love you's.
Bex has clearly immediately forgotten Blake's family story and gives him rose wanting to "see all the amazing people who raised you." He half smiles.
This is brutalllll. Softcore Porn Leo vs. One Hope Wills vs. Greasy Jason. Worse than two on one. Leo is trying to remain hopeful though he's "so different from this entire group of guys."
They make the group play volleyball because they know this creates drama. Leo tells her: "These other guys offer a lifestyle." And he immediately is dumped and left on an island but he waves which is cute.
One Hope Wills vs. Greasy Ron Pearlman
Getting some Dracula vibes from Jason. I literally can’t think of anything else than this dude's hair gel. Bex is like all their fucking therapists this date. She spends time with both and everyone knows this is just competing for 4th or 5th spot. Wills: "I’m hers in my opinion."
Do we know that was the order they had their time in? I think they switched it. Bex grabs rose. I can't even type it. She sends Wills home. For the greasy man. WHAT WHAT WHAT NOOOOOOOO. The internet is going to be in shambles. We see shadows of the scrambling camera people running. Jason tries to comfort Bex from his own false comfort that he has a chance at the end of this.
But don't worry guys. She still has diversity in her picks. One of the four white dudes left has blonde hair! Do they get computer access once they get to hometowns? Is that when she finds out about MAGA? SOMEONE TELL HER!!!! BYE.
The Gang travels to... Richmond, Virginia!! Did Richmond pay them to come here? This whole episode reads as an lazily-attempted ad. Bex: "Virginia is for lovers!" So this is why we are here and not for budget reasons! Their hotel appears to be inside a cemetery. Bex ponders in a pink coat and then they make her act out the letters of LOVE. It’s horrible. This is so embarrassing. Bex: "There’s something exciting in the unknown!"
She admits that she brought WEDDING MAGAZINES with her on this trip. BITCHES BE SHOPPING FOR WEDDINGS BEFORE THEY EVEN GOT A FIANCE. This is great for women. Lord Harrison gives a really awkward, stunted interview with Bex.
Ron Pearlman’s gone into self-destruct mode this episode. He's the villain now--acting very Trumpian and revealing himself to be a full on psychopath. He determines which date he wants like it's plays in a football game: "I’ll go against anyone... I'd rather have a two-on-one." He's basically cuddling on the couch with Floor-Pooper Lincoln as they get in a yelling fight.
Ron Pearlman brings up how Lincoln called him a "fat fuck" and says "you just body-shamed me. I'm proud of my body." Lincoln: "Don’t push up on me!" Ron Pearlman: "I would destroy you." Ron Pearlman somehow thinks he can beat up Lincoln??? Lolololololol. It's now confirmed: that's a literal psychopath.
Leo: "Just like Virginia birthed the nation so do I hope Virginia births love with Becca!" Up there in longest stretch of a location-based love metaphor in this show and that's saying something.
Jason's Goth One-on-One
Being a Bachelorette is mostly about how well you do at acting and performing the metaphor intros to the dates. Bex sounds like an unenthused teenager introducing a bad play to Jason. Jason's apparently got the Death Date. They go to an actual cemetery. @BachelorClues points out there's a date in a church every season. They hit another romantic hot spot, the Poe museum, and Bex and Jason make out in a coffin to remind her of her dead father.
There's a shot of a black cat and then they go to some weird fucking goth people ritual. The goths cheers them: "May you be unhappy evermore!" Jason is forced to dance with a goth girl. His cemented-on hair stays put. Is he getting the Fool Edit? Bex talks about him to him in third person. They make out.
Producers have invited Jason's friends on this date and he cries. Doesn't he live in Chicago? Did they fly them out to inject an element of hometowns into earlier in the season?? His friends ask a standard question for a woman you've been on one date alone with: "Is she the one?" Jason: "Everything is there for me to fall in love." She's got all the parts.
Bex asks their opinion and they say, "He’s as good as advertised." She should ask what she really wants to ask though: But does he still look OK with 1500% less hair gel? His friend: "He’s the right person." Would you EVER talk about your friend that way? I would never say something that glowing to a friend's suitor, even about my best friend in the world.
Bex is somehow convinced that, "our friends would all get along." They're all awkward looking white dudes too!
Bex asks Jason about how his friends said he was slow to show his feelings when he's not that way with her. Just a quickie question, Jason: Why are you not presenting yourself as your friends say you are? He tells a sad story of his Alzheimer’s grandma and watching his Dad cry.
Back at the Hotel... Ron Pearlman in a different tone spits 100 sports metaphors of how he's going to win Bex back: "This is my time to shine... I’m going to come out victorious."
Back on the Date... Bex tells Jason the story of watching her father's last breath. Does she have to tell all of them this sad story? She gives Jason the rose: "Damn, I am falling for Jason." Damn, I am falling ASLEEP. ZING.
Group Politics Date
If you think we're going to finally get into everyone's political opinions on this date, you're dead fuuuu--uuucking wrong. There are Virginian celebs on this date though: presidential impersonators! Floor-Pooper Lincoln wears Abe Lincoln's hat. Who thought of that creative idea?! Give that person a raise! Bex wears a pantsuit and triggers MAGArrett.
They're going to interrogate the dudes under the guise of a political debate. I'm actually very into this date format. MAGArrett: "We're going to channel all the great orators of the day!" Like Tomi Lahren, Alex Jones, etc. etc.
Lord Harrison introduces the event: "And of course our fourteenth bachelorette!" Fourteen Bachelorettes and no female president remember!!! Everything sucks. The GOVERNOR OF VIRGINIA is here to ask a question: "What is your perfect date with Becca in the commonwealth of Virginia?" PLEASE FUCKING COME TO VIRGINIA, ANYONE, REALLY!!! EVEN THE FLOOR-POOPERS ARE EXTREMELY WELCOME!!! Colton says some bullshit about bringing their dogs to a dog park to grow their relationships. Yep, a very specifically Virginian date.
MAGArrett feels super comfortable amongst all the monuments to slavery. He spews some traditional gender role bullshit: I've learned that you women "are always right."
Omg Ron Pearlman airs all his dirty laundry during his speech time. He says Bex would "be disgusted" if she heard some of the things said about her. Lincoln: "It’s not me!" They call each other malicious and aggressive. Ron Pearlman: "He called me a fat fuck... I was a 300 pound child." This is going great. Bex: "this is stupid drama that shouldn’t be happening in front of all these people." Save that shit for the 6 million people in Bachelor Nation, not the 60 most-bored-Virginian housewives. Bex walks through columns and disappears?? Is that supposed to mean she’s upset? Or a ghost?
Later at Haunted Drinks...
There's a creepy doll face. The disappearing Bex was foreshadowing. Someone: "Real people come out when they’re pushed against a wall." Ron Pearlman bums out Bex and then she's unable to have a full convo with MAGArrett. Ron Pearlman sums up being on this show: "It’s exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally." Bex gives the rose to pretty boy Colton.
Bex: "I feel like I’m really emotionally drained right now... Some guys think I need an engagement at the end?"
What date is the one you tell someone you did porn? I feel like Jade waited until Hometowns to tell DUI Chris about her Playboy pix.
Leo is endearing on this date. Leo: "I know that I’m kind of like a caricature... It’s hard to look at me and think this guy wants to settle down." He proves he's the kind of guy to settle down by finally pulling his hair back for them to wade in the water to catch oysters.
Bex: "He was the perfect person to sit and listen... He’s exemplifying everything I want in a partner."
Leo: "I’m feeling pretty gleeful to be around that girl... I’m going to give her my heart and hopefully that’s enough." He tries to prove he has the monogamy gene: "My parents were married for forty years." He talks about his "overarching feeling that he failed his father" because he never became a professional baseball player. This is very sad. Leo: "I always feel like I’m just not good enough."
Bex is into it and gives him rose. They go to a theater with a band playing. It's filled with 100% white women. Bex: "We are surrounded by screaming fans." The audience is not even pretending to be fans of the musicians as opposed to The Bachelor-- they're STARING at the couple the entire time. Can you imagine kissing someone with 1000 white women holding cell phones four inches from your face?
Leo comes back to the hotel with a rose and Ron Pearlman storms out. Guys: "That was out of control," "He’s very hot and cold," "He’s so volatile I don’t know who he is anymore," and "the wheels have fallen off." Ron Pearlman "feels more confident than last rose ceremony." He must somehow think he has the Underdog Edit.
Ron Pearlman keeps bitching about Lincoln: "The man eats 12 eggs every day -- his cholesterol must be 6000." Is this even a number on the cholesterol scale?
Ron Pearlman: "I’m feeling ready to fight... Fuck the other guys."
Ron Pearlman finds out where Bex is and surprises her in her hotel room. She's clearly beyond thrilled. He gives her a quick dress compliment which is dripping in "YOU WORE THAT SLUTTY OUTFIT FOR ANOTHER MAN?!" vibes. Then he goes, "I haven’t been able to talk to you about how I feel. Tonight I feel it’s important to put it back on the right track. I could 100% see marrying you." Bex: "But last week you're questioning where we are and if you should leave?" And he has no response. Oh, I only thought through the first sentence of this. Usually bitches hear "I love you" and then slob my knob! Ron Pearlman tries to gaslight her: "I need you to not think about that anymore... This adversity is not you and me." WE ARE NOT NEGATIVITY. LOOK INTO MY EYES AND FORGET THE HORRIBLE SHIT I DID EARLIER. IF YOU THINK OF IT AGAIN THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES. YOU ARE CONVINCED THAT WE ARE SOUL MATES.
Bex dumps him: "I was hoping things would turn around... I have so many questions and red flags now that I don’t think we can get there at this point." She offers to walk him out and he won't let her: "I don't need like a walk out!" NO IM BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!
They focus on a do-not-disturb sign that’s facing in her room. Bex: "I think Chris is just a very angry person. This proved that he is not for me... He’s not the guy I want in my life ever." I heard he's going to be on BIP and I'm BIPissed Off.
Bex sends home Floor-Shitter Lincoln and Connor-- the guy who freaked out at Floor-Shitter's picture and threw it in the pool. It’s fucked up she picks Wills last. TOP SIX:
Tag: Bex is forced to chat with the creepy president impersonators. Lincoln Impersonator: "I’m glad you emancipated Arie from your heart." Cool, cool, very cool -- we ending this episode with a slavery joke. Bye.