Guys, unfortunately I gotta start off this week's recap with some dark news from my researchers. Lincoln was convicted of indecent assault and battery a week before the premiere aired. This is less fun than the other news I heard which is that he POOPED ON THE FLOOR AT HIS PLACE OF WORK. This AND Pepe-Garrett in one season? Is there a contestant on this show who isn't literally a piece of shit??
On a lighter note-- there's also news about our Waterworld stunt man Leo. He has a small role in a soft core porno called High Heel Homicide. For you and for journalism, I looked this up and watched his scenes. He somehow remains expressionless while banging a woman in a closet for ten hours before she decides to stab him in the tit. His stunts were a 10/10 but good god it's almost as boring as this season of the Bachelorette.
Back to the softest porn of all: The boys are getting cozied up in the mansion. Ron Pearlman wears a onesie. They make Colton say "esstatic" again. Great.
Lord Harrison announces the dates, emphasizing how precious time is in this and how maybe half of them should get injured this episode fighting for it basically.
Colton's nervous because of the Tia sitch: "Becca and I have an obstacle in our way." And she hasn't even gotten to the other giant red flag obstacle about him. Arguably the hardest obstacle to overcome of all. I'm talking about his virginity, guys.
Spa Group Date
Bex meets up with the ladies of her season that are her friends aka going to be on Bachelor in Paradise.
I'm shocked Caroline made the cut. I love that Tia has to admit she thought she’d be Bachelorette and that's probably what Colton also thought.
Everyone meets their options for BIP should they advance to that coveted level.
Bex forgets Jason’s name and it's hilarious but she spends the rest of the episode trying to overcompensate for that.
Colton gets to reunite with his kissing two-night stand.
They’ve now dressed the men in spa worker outfits and they're forced to give pedicures and massages to Bex's friends???
Tinkerbex takes another shot at Eerie: "I love that!" I love her.
Tia tells Bex that Colton is probably there because he thought it would be her. Bex is so drunk she somehow interprets this to be Tia's blessing and a cleansing of all of Colton's motives forever and ever.
Colton reiterates how esstatic he is for Bex.
Model amps up his whole thing: "I think I’m gonna start being extremely implicit with my strategy."
Model tells Bex: "You’re something I want to stand next to." And that's saying something. He's stood next to some of the greatest backdrops in the world.
The Model and the Chicken hilariously fight in front of the other dudes. Chicken calls him fake. Model: "My image is me!!!" He goes on and on about how he's a Wilhelmina model and how that means something and he will not stand for his image to be tarnished. The rest of the dudes are physically trying to hide and it's very endearing.
Pepe Garrett has a bunch of weird shit sticking off his skin. The hate is dripping out. Colton gets the group date rose because everything is dumb in this timeline.
Ron Pearlman One-on-One
They enter a studio where Charlie Sheen is playing piano.
The musician makes Bex and Ron Pearlman "write your love song." We learn that Bex is horrible at singing and that Ron Pearlman does not react well to requests to lay out his feelings. He seems just incredibly nervous but he blames his reaction on his Dad never responding to a letter he wrote him asking to reconnect and therefore he can't put a pen to paper ever again...
Ron Pearlman chokes up his Daddy issues and steps into the recording booth to perform his song. It would be hilarious if he just started screaming, "FUCK YOU DAD FUCK YOU!!!!"
They leave and go to another place and NOOOOOO CHARLIE SHEEN IS SOMEHOW ALSO THERE PLAYING MORE MUSIC.
They make out and Bex gives him roze.................
Back at the Mansion...
The boys are freaking out because there's blood everywhere. THE CHICKEN FELL OUT OF BED AND BROKE HIS FACE. Is this the most embarrassing injury in Bach history? Model is loving it and puts up a new guard rail.
He doesn't like producers' suggestions he punched Chicken: "I wouldn't hurt a fly." Then he winks. Ugh.
Lord H tells Bex what happened.
Football Group Date
Now that we've tasted first blood, the second group date have to play TACKLE FOOTBALL against each other. For no stakes.
They should play the national anthem to really stir some shit up. Lord Harrison cackles evilly throughout the whole game. This feels like a huge insurance risk...
LeoXXX: "I thought I saw a lovely blonde woman walk by. Oh it’s just Mike." I followed her to the closet and already had my pants off before I realized it's just Mikey. The Lovely Woman scores a touchdown. Clay gets a fucking broken wrist and has to go to ER. How could this NOT happen?
Later at Drinks...
Bex chats with Blake and he can't stop saying "Definitely". He starts CRYING, "I'm trying to stay positive... I just want to take a nap with my girlfriend." Oh Jesus. Bex: "You think I’m your girlfriend?"
Bex's boyfriend is Clay though: "He makes me feel like such a princess." She pins the group date rose on his wrist cast.
Everyone nurses their physical and emotional injuries from the day. Clay tells Bex he has to leave the game to have surgery to continue providing for his family. Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
Clay leaves AND we get no rose ceremony? This is fucked up.
They show Bex bicycling to nowhere for a very long time to demonstrate how carefree and chill she is. So far here's what else we know of her personality: she loves to do damn things, Minnesota, dead Dad, & dumped by Eerie. Will we ever find out anything else? Probably not!
TUX GROUP DATE
Becca tells the group she’s going to pamper them like her first date with Eerie. REMEMBER WHEN EERIE DUMPED HER? They all get to... borrow tuxes for the day. Bex oggles the guys changing through her fingers. She finds out that Model Jordan is a model.
We now see the gender-reversed relay race date of the Ashton/Milla date from last season. Instead we get Rachelorette and ugh Bryan. Rachel makes a bunch of awkward oral sex jokes and I get the feeling they cut a LOT of interesting shit from her season.
They compete in a love metaphor competition where they shred their rented tuxes and their dignity. The obstacles are named gendered-marriage-stereotype things like "Ball and Chain" and "Cold Feet." COOOOOOOOOOOOOL. GO FEMINISM. Between this and only defining Bex by Eerie dumping her, it almost makes me think this show is bad for women. Lincoln cheats in the comp by pushing someone and wins a framed photo of him and Bex.
Later at Drinks...
Lincoln flaunts his trophy picture to the dudes and makes out with it, as one does. God-Fearing-Connor now reveals himself to be a complete and utter psychopath. He yells at Lincoln and tries to hide the photo. Lincoln brings it back and God-Fearer throws it into the pool, missing and shattering the frame.
Someone tries to calm God-Fearer: "We’re all getting tested here!" What would Jesus throw dude? Lincoln cries and then tells Bex he felt "physically threatened" by this incident. A different sociopath: "We got our first cryer." Cologne-Jean-Blanc avoids the drama and gets the group date rose.
They’re going to listen to Lil Jon "DJ" "Turn Down for What", whilst smashing things from Bex's past with Eerie. WAIT DID SHE DATE EERIE?!?!?!?!?!
Later at Drinks...
Blake tells his sob story of... getting broken up with once? K. He's boring and they look like brother and sister. Bex can see him as her "teammate" and Blake gets rose.
Dodgeball Group Date
Colton doesn't care what they do on their dates: "We can make chicken noodle soup and I’m gonna be esstatic." K. Bex looks like Kaitlyn Bristowe here.
A bunch of children train the men how to play dodgeball. Someone should peg the kids. Even the children bring up Eerie to her. Is this going to be the only fucking fact they ever say about her?! SHE ONCE DATED A BEIGE TOOL. NEVER FORGET. I thought I was going to be most annoyed by her catchphrase but it turns out I'm most annoyed by this!
One kid screams, "TRAAAAASH!" at the guys and I’ve never identified with someone more. Globetrotter Christon pegs Bex.
They play dodgeball on trampolines in front of a crowd and a barely-present Fred Willard. Lord Harrison: "Leo has gone to the man bun." That's why they pay him the big bucks, baby! His finger's on the pulse with this searing commentary!!! It looks like they put Becca in the back row and she can't even see them. Dating is so weird! They make a big deal of how Leo is the last man standing but there's literally no stakes to this competition-- no one even "wins" more time at the end.
Later at Drinks...
Wills is a babe although he has a Harry Potter tattoo. Wills: "I’ve never considered myself a front runner." Pepe the Fisherman Garrett sends me off the fucking rails. Fisherman: "I like to make the light of a situation... I feel like you’re the girl version of me... MAGA."
Virgin Colton reveals: "I had a relationship with Tia." Bex is friends with her and he also dated that gymnast Aly Raisman. How did a virgin date all these hot women?? Colton tells Bex they had a weekend together. Just doing butt stuff? Spooning? How did he meet her? This is all very SUS. Did he come into this thinking it was Tia?? I realize that Raven and Tia are one in my mind and I'm like NO WONDER SHE'S NEVER ORGASMED SHE ONLY BANGS VIRGINS. But that was Raven. Anyway.
Becca starts crying, "I'm losing trust." Yeah... don’t trust anyone they’re on the Bachelor... Wills gets the date rose.
OMG BECCA'S DRESS IS AMAZING. Clay and Bex backpack-kid/floss/kill me and then make out. She's going for all the kisses and I love it.
Bex: "And the crowd goes even more wild!" Venmo John reads Bex a poem and kisses her. God-Fearing-Psycho-Connor gives Bex a new picture to throw in the pool as if that makes up for his lunatic reaction to Lincoln.
Model decides he needs to stand out so he takes off all his clothes and interrupts Chicken. Model: "They’ve never seen a pair of brass balls like that. Tick tock let’s make it rock."
Model spews a whole bunch of nonsense and proves that the producers get to keep certain people: "I don’t want you to misinterpret me as some 007 guy... I like to speed... Ice cream cone g wagon?... I’m multidimensional I’m not just some guy with hair." Omg guys, this is so embarrassing I thought he was 007 this whole time.
Model is now wearing a fluffy pink blanket and shows the other dudes his chairless "Clint Eastwood". Chicken is PISSED about his "disrespectful" stripping. Model: "But it was very comparable to swimwear!"
Chicken: "Night one was the time for your fun!" EVERYONE KNOWS NIGHT 1 IS FOR CHICKEN FUN AND NIGHT 2 IS FOR SOB STORIES YOU PLEB!!!!! Model: "I wore my underwear bro, that’s not trying to get attention... Are you still talking to me?" WHAT AM I WATCHING.
Then they fight over whether the right word is ingenuine/inguenity and the loser is ALL OF US.
Becca asks Colton about Tia and admits she's now holding back with him. They can hold back together.
Colton's still too hot to cut and they haven't made him confess his virginity OR ambushed him with Tia yet so she keeps him. She sends home Alex, Trent, and Rickey. I can’t believe Ron-Pearlman-Chris even made it to kissing level. Alex cries super duper hard and they never cut and I feel the deepest conflict within my soul. See y'all next week!