By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 9 (Air Date: 7/08/19)
It's the first round of playoffs, baby! Hometowns! The Players who are left have gone through a series of physical and mental challenges and now most of the Floaters are gone. They're only going against the best of the best.
Pilot Pete Hometown
Pilot Pete drives Hama in his douchey car and she searches his glove compartment. She finds a fucking condom. Either, he's banging with melted condoms all over the world and probably has countless international kids or THAT'S how close to him leaving for the show that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend. Why would he not clean out his glove compartment if they're using it in a segment? He also reacts to her discovering it in a very dark way: "Don’t put that on camera. Fucking stop that’s so bad." Is there a darker side to Pete? This is my Error of the Game.
Pilot Pete takes Hama flying in California. Pro move. Hama: "I feel like when I was little playing with my Barbie Dolls, Peter was the guy." She loves simple white men with simple jobs that had their set Barbie outfits. He tells her he's falling for her "like crazy."
They fly over Bachelor mansion. Now they fly over his family standing in the road.
Hama meets PP's Fam
Hama tells them how she's forced Peter to change and open up. They do a traditional family cheers of screaming in German about their feast. Hama likes it because it's prayer adjacent. PP does a toast to his dead grandparents and starts crying.
PP's bro says PP is a cuck. PP's parents ask if either has dropped the L-bomb. Hama explains they're on that track.
Pilot Pete chats with his Mom. She asks if she makes his heart go "ting ting ting". PP confesses to his Mom that he's in love with her. He looks a lot like Nick Vile rn.
PP's Dad has strong Sam Elliott vibes, has brought out his best Jesus necklace for Alabama Hama, and starts crying when they're talking.
While PP's parents notice their connection, Pilot Pete can't get it together to tell Hama he loves her at the end when they're by the limo. A second PP error in this week's Game. Nothing but nothing but net.
Tyler's got lines: "You're outshining Jupiter now but it’s beautiful." Hama lathers him up. Tyler: "Behave now." THIS IS OUT YOU GET 800K IG FOLLOWERS PEOPLE.
Hama: "Tyler lives in a Paradise. The future is this." Oh no, honey. That's not how this works. Your future is LA. Tyler reinforces his PTC on Hometown-- that he left his Dad sick when he went on the show. Hama jumps into his arms dirty dancing style.
Hama Meets Tyler's Parents
Tyler's Dad seems kind of OK. He says he hasn't seen Tyler so happy in a long time.
Tyler's bros tell Hama that Tyler's definitely ready for marriage after dealing with his sick Dad. Tyler tells his Mom he could see himself proposing. He reiterates his same Love Levels with Hama: he's "falling in love" with her. (last week he "felt he was falling")
When it comes to the limo goodbye, Tyler grabs Hama and gets her to mount him in the limo in my PLAY OF THE GAME. That's the image of the night you're leaving her with. Driver in the car during the dry hump be damned! That's my MVP.
Shower Jesus Hometown
They huju. Shower Jesus: "Every Sunday before Church we have Sunday school." Hama's excited for this nightmare. Hama: "Luke is a jigsaw puzzle for me. Like I've got the corners down." Lol. Jesus famously was all corners.
SHOWER JESUS SUNDAY SCHOOL
Shower Jesus gives a speech to a ton of pasty white kids who he has indoctrinated into his cult already. He further elaborates on his PTC, discovering Jesus while he was soaking after years of "chasing sex... This huge weight had lifted off of me. This hole opened up. The holy spirit coming to me and convicting me... Anything negative in your life, God is going to use it for a positive." It reallllllly does sound like something sexual happened in that shower. Now he calls Hama up to the front of Sunday School. Shower Jesus: "I thank God for you."
Hama: "Luke really lives his faith." He's living something. Now they break up into small discussion groups. Shower Jesus's friends assure her that he's "the nicest guy." But does she buy it?!!?! Hama: "It was nice for me to also be affirmed." Oof. They all touch Luke and pray for them as a couple: "Lift them up to be vessels for your gospel."
Hama Meets Shower Jesus's Fam
All of his family have mysterious injuries. But also no one dies. His great grandma is alive. Hama explains how Shower Jesus has struggled to get along with the other guys and they've had a hard time 3 of their 4 weeks together. Mama Shower Jesus and Papa Shower Jesus are STUNNED because everyone loves him. Someone: "why is he here?"
Shower Jesus tells his Dad he thinks he's going to win and tells his Mom he's in love. "I see Mrs. Parker." SHE WILL TAKE MY MOTHERFUCKING NAME. Shower Dad assures Hama he's totally ready for an engagement. He's rulllll creepy. SJ to his Mom who looks like his sister: "I can look you in the eyes and tell you when I look her in the eyes I love her."
Shower Jesus apologizes to Hama for "everything" or whatever. "I love you." They make out. @bachelorclues: "that's a swish."
Hama: "It felt really good and my heart did little flutteries. I've fallen in love with him. I'm falling in love with Luke."
Aspiring Musician's Hometown
The show Twitter tweeted this ad: we're going to get another FUCKING song. It's a spoiler but not a spoiler. I WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE WATCHING THIS.
Hama does a huju in a dress. That's how you get pregnant. First stop? Aspiring Musician takes Hama to the recording studio so that she can further help promote him with a collaboration of course! They write a song about their story that they can one day professionally record and get those streams.
Apparently on day one he said a pre-written line: "You shine on the outside. I can't wait to see if you shine on the inside." They bring up one of their cute inside jokes stolen from that old couple they met in the Netherlands -- "You're written in the stars."
After they finish collabing, AspMus rewards Hama with a new Love Level. "You ever feel like you can't say something and you have to? I love you." AspMus is a fucking pro. He knows he has to up his Love Levels. His "heart is beating so fast." @bachelorclues: "He's about to take a bigger step in that lie."
Hama meets AspMus's Fam
AspMus's parents put on a helluva Hometown show. AspMus "rips a toast." AspMus Mom: "Here's to trusting your truth... When you stick to your truth it's beneficial to everybody." Dun dun duuuuun!
His Mom expresses skepticism to him about a proposal. AspMus tells them his feelings are real. Hama: "he dated a girl for a long time..." Gimme them TIMELINE DEETS. WHO KNOWS!!!! NAME NAMES!!!!!~ Hama tells AspMus's Mom that he's the only one she's told she's falling in love with. She's going to fucking pick him.
AspMus Mom: "You don't get a diploma to be a musician." Ya can't possibly study your craft. When you're a musician, skyrocketting on Instagram is really the only way to go! AspMus's Mom tries to warn Hama, saying that he's really mostly focused on music. "Music" is awfully close to his "Current Other Girlfriend" aka "Lipstick & Lyrics." Mom: "I'm surprised... I think this is crazy." Hama thanks all three of them facing her on the couch.
AspMus competes with Shower Jesus for biggest sociopath status when he says "Toodaloo!" to his family.
Hama struggles: "I am there with Peter I am there with Tyler I am there with Luke I am there with Jed." They're back at the mansion for Roze. Lord Harrison, menacingly: "Welcome Home." Very Hunger Games. Hama's hoping she can wing it because everyone's on the same level.
Winging it doesn't go so well. I thought Pilot Pete was going home and he gets first rose. Roze for Tyler. She leaves. The boys rally around AspMus, their pick for Fantasy Suites, and talk shit about Shower Jesus right in front of him. Tyler: "You got this Jed. It'll be complete balogna if you don't get a rose." My favorite themes are the ones that punch me in the dick.
Hama sobs in a closet to Lord H that there's not enough time. "I'm going to close a door on a relationship that's not done." THEY GIVE HER TWO FUCKING ROSES. HELL, IF THIS KEEPS LUKE IN TO FANTASY SUITES, YOU CAN HAVE MILLIONS OF ROSES HAMA.
The fucking gall of AspMus to glare at Shower Jesus. You're both monsters. AspMus: "It feels like it was really hard to decide between me and a total scumbag. He's been a toxin. To feel like a toss up between him and me now." Feels like he REALLY cares about Hama.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 8 (Air Date: 7/01/19)
They go to Netherlands
Hama walks through Tulips. Hama: "I'm falling for multiple people in multiple different ways."
ASPIRING MUSICIAN With a Backhome Girlfriend's One-on-One
Aspiring Musician: "We would end up in this store!" K. They dance in the streets. They clap their heels together. Clap your heels if you have a woman at home who still thinks you're a couple. @bachelorclues: "This is a horror movie."
Now they have the traditional, meeting of the foreign couple who have been together forever. The random Dutch lady: "You are not Netherlanders?" AspMus: "English." Hama, aghast: "English?! We're Americans." Hama is DISGUSTED for the couple to think they're English. Hama asks about their love story as if it could have ANYTHING to do with what they're doing. Lady: "It was in the stars." Aspiring Musician writes a poem on the SPOT: "Here's to making the most of each and every moment and of seeing whether our love was written in the stars." JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Now they tell the lady to fuck off and they make out. @bachelorclues: "He had a girlfriend a week ago." AspMus: "We've already made like, some really cool, amazing memories."
Back at the Hotel...
DOORBELL RING. Have you ever seen a doorbell on a hotel room? Tyler gets the date. Connor: "Nice." Connor says he's wishing and hoping for a date later that will never come.
Later at Drinks...
AspMus: "Are you wearing? What color is that?" I hate his face. AspiringCheatingMusician: "Today was one of the best dates I've ever had." Hama: "I have feelings for multiple people here and I don't know what to do. I'm holding back with everyone and everybody. I don't want to hurt anybody I got hurt... I have so much to handle." AspMus: "You have a lot on your plate... I wanna take some. Whatever I have to do. If I have to hear about things I don't like... I want to build a foundationally powerful relationship and I want you to feel like you can open up..." That one I call, "Girl, Lemme Be Your Foundation."
Hama: "You clicked your heels up... It was in that moment I was laughing. Everything around me spinning and I saw your face and you kissed me. And it was in that moment where I was like omgosh this is real... I don't know why the click of the heels and the kiss in front of that organ made me feel confident and safe to say I'm falling in love with you... I think I've known it for a little while." It's either that or Vertigo. AspMus: "My heart just fell through the Earth. Let me have my moment." AspMus: "I'm in love with you. I'm not going to sleep for three days." Hama: "Let me help you sleep." That's why they call her Nyquil. Hama gives him rose: "I'm so excited to meet your family and find out what makes Jed Jed."
âDoes him cheating on his gf have to come out in the Hometown? AspMus: You know what? Actually I want to do my Hometown in LA away from anyone that I've ever met. Maybe play some gigs. âThey make out outside. Hama: "There's a bunch of signs pointing to it being written in the stars." Are there? There's toxic masculinity mines waiting all around her but I think she's kind of looking for that.
Tyler wants her to meet Nana. They ride horses. Hama gives him "energy". He gets her ice cream. He feeds her pickled herring. They add squishy sound effects.
She's sitting right in his face demanding emotional details. She tells him she wants to know what's going on in his head and his face? Is she drunk?
Later at Drinks...
H: "I wanna know the dirty and the raw and the things that have scarred you." Tyler plays a masterful PTC and tells her he doesn't open up to anyone and a bunch of shit about his parents divorce caused by the recession. He's identified his walls. In one swift motion he destroys them, telling Hama: "I feel like I am falling in love with you... can be that guy getting down on one knee one day." Hama also reveals that her parents no longer have communication in their marriage. Cannot fucking WAIT for that meeting in the finale.
BACK AT HOTEL...
DOORBELL CHIME. It's like Pavlov's dog. Connor doesn't get the next One-on-One so producers goad him into doing a knock knock.
Connor's Knock Knock
Connor: "It's good to be here... I had the feelings of starting to fall in love." Hama is crying: "Maybe if you came weeks ago... if I did have that time we would be able to get there." She dumps him.
Hama: "We're going to bike with Mike!" They bike to a warehouse filled with art. They try to determine the gender of a portrait. Now an artist tells them to paint each other. Now SmileyMikey gets down in his underwear and she spanks him. Mike: "Her soul looks beautiful." They get painted by the artist. Now they talk outside. Mike: "Maybe my future wife." Hama purses her lips.
Later at Drinks...
Hama examines a bunch of paintings. Close ups of the paintings. Hama STARTS CRYING. Oh she's in her dumping outfit. And she's still crying when Mike arrives in a Hunger Games tube. Hama: "Let's just go sit down and talk... I've been here for a little while. And got to see all the art and stuff. I've never been surrounded by so much beauty and it's really overwhelming." I saw a painting of a Saint that told me to be honest about my feelings about Mike. "Woman with a sword with all these men in back fighting." Now she does a "best of Mike", repeating all his good moments. "I know you're looking for that fourth lady in your life and I know that I'm not that fourth lady." Mike: "I can't say that I'm happy." He's only at 163K.
Hama dumps Mike. He goes back down into the Hunger Games style tube into the ground. Or Willy Wanka.
Hama: "Trying to be strong. Trying to keep my faith. Trying to rely on the one thing that's greater than me. But I don't know what to do and I'm scared." Mike: "Her putting a dagger in my heart and tearing it out and stepping on it... She crushed me." He's not crying. @bachelorclues: "He's not smiling. This is serious."
The Villain Conversation
Back at the Hotel...
Tyler tells Luke he's the villain except: "Usually the villain is taller. We got a 5-foot-8 villain." Fact check: yes, most of the male villains on The Bachelorette are taller.
Chad Johnson: 6'2.
Juan Pablo 5'11.
Tyler: "Now there's five guys that can't stand you." They're fighting. No doorbell for someone literally coming into their hotel room. Shower Jesus: "Happy there's one less of us. It's simple math."
MAGAr: "I fully expect a Hail Mary attempt from Luke." Literally football.
MAGA: "The bad guy's going home. It's about time. It's a game to Luke. He loves the idea of winning The Bachelorette." Hama: "I hope my mind can be comfortable with what my heart wants." Shower Jesus grabs her first.
Hama and Shower Jesus
Shower Jesus: "I don't have to say any names. A lot of the time I wish you were a fly on the wall. I've done nothing." Hama: "You don't think you've done anything?"
SJ: "He said: 'I have some advice for you. Try to keep your head out of your ass'... That concerns me for you. Last night Garrett starts calling me out. 'That was me being fake.' That shocks the hell out of me. For you." Lolololol
Hama: "I don't get why people won't be kind to you."
Shower Jesus: "You're part of a mob."
Hama's Confessional: "Has it been some of his own fault... Am I missing something so much more or is it just boys being boys?" Fuck Youuuuuuuuu. @bachelorclues: "It's that locker room talk."
Hama and Garrett
Hama: "He was talking about some things that happened last night... Did you say that you were being fake nice to him?" MAGar: "I told him I was bullshitting. If someone is talking to me I'm going to respond back to him. To me responding short is my version of I don't like you." Responding short is just a short, simple, clean Trump Retweet in a sincere kind of way.
MAGArrett: "Hail Mary, right? I called it." He's refereeing the plays while still in the game.
Shower Jesus eats meat. The symbol of a villain (Mad Chad). MAGArrett: "Even if he tries to put me in this hole I'm going to climb back out. I will not go home because of Luke P."
MAGArrett and Shower Jesus
MAGArrett to Shower Jesus: "I saw the look on her face and your time is coming to an end." Gar: "Didn't you say you were going to stay in your lane. No Hail Mary's?" Shower Jesus: "She asked me a question."
Gar: "It's just going to be bullshit anyway. Hannah's going to know that everything you say is bullshit. It's your fault. You talk about everybody. You're the fakest person I know. Shower Jesus: "You don't know me." MAGArrett: "Oh, I know you. And I'll double point on that one."
Here's a bunch of words that are uttered on a dating show:
âSJ: i'm tired of seeing this fake smirk on your face.
It's a real smile.
Until you do something about it I'm going to keep going.
She asked me what I thought about you.
The truth comes out!
She asked me what's been going on.
You are a weasel. A weasel or a snake. Luke psychopath the snake.
Your words are meaningless.
Hannah seemed to appreciate what I had to say. That's all I care about.
You're disgusting. You make me want to gag.
Gar: "You're falling and you're reaching for branches."
SJ stands up: "I have been nothing but truthful...This is a pile of bologna."
This all ends with SJ throwing the pile of bologna on MAGA's lap.
MAGArrett: "When he's faced with something that is confronting him, the guy explodes." Would think he'd like that. Shower Jesus grabs Pilot Pete: "I had Garrett come up and feed me a bunch of bologna."
Pilot Pete: "You gave me your word to stay in your lane. This is not how I wanted to spend my possible last date with Hannah. She's not in a good headspace now?" She's not primed?
Pilot Pete and Hama
PP expertly ignores what just happened and dives right into an emotional conversation with Hama, saying he's excited. @bachelorclues: "The extraction." PP tells her he's "smitten. I love how goofy you are and how strong and raw. It's sexy. You're just so honest. I've never met someone like you before. I'm loving this and I don't want it to end. I can't tell you this stuff enough. It's coming straight from the heart." Hama: "I feel it."
Hama: "He's a nice break from the drama." That's what you want in a husband. A break from all the psychopaths you're surrounded by. Hama gives PP the rose. Hama and PP make out by the tower. He screams: "Wooo!" The guys inside can hear.
âShower Jesus and MAGArrett are left alone. MAGArrett winks at Shower Jesus. Shower Jesus licks his lips. MAGArrett gaybaits him: "Are you licking your lips because you're attracted to me?" MAGA: "It's going to be me and Peter at the end of the night. I know that. That's why I'm smiling."
MAGArrett and Shower JEsus Two-on-one
Hama's out of breath and wheezes: "I don't want to bring any drama or negativity into tonight... Cheers." Shower Jesus says he's about to play his PTC. 50/50 PTC on a Two-On-One.
Shower Jesus and Hama
SJ: "I was exploring things and experimenting... There was a streak of me where I was chasing sex. This is hard for me to talk about. I hated chasing those selfish fleshy desires. Nothing satisfied me... Here's where the story gets good. I'm getting in shower and felt this heavy weight on me. I just remember balling my eyes out. Someone's telling me Luke let it go. I saw a glimpse of Heaven... Since then I've been on fire... You know this walk isn't easy."
Hama: "If you don't go through that you don't see the blessings. My experience is similar. I appreciate what the Lord did in my life.... It was cool to hear him share his testimony. I like that he's open about his faith. I'm connected to him." CHRISTTTTTTT
Hama: "Do you want to kiss me." @bachelorclues: "Ultimate Jesus PTC, with a little alcoholism thrown in there."
Back at the Hotel...
PP comes back. @bachelorclues: "Man huju."
PP does not call it: "He's totally imploding."
Back on the Date... MAGA talks with Ham
MAGA: "I'm sure it's written all over my damn face right now..." Hama: "I'm so excited of the growth that's been made here." They kiss. MAGA: you make me feel some type of way. God I just can't wait for you to meet the fam... It hit me like a ton of bricks today. I love you. I love you." Both MAGA and Shower Jesus pulled out all the stops. MAGA: I'm buzzing so hard right now off of nothing but that moment... The L-bomb came out.
Hama: "We have a very intense connection... I'm going where I feel like my heart is leading me." Hama gives rose to Shower Jesus. He laughs to himself. A nation screams.
MAGA kisses her face. He's definitely more upset that Luke has bested him than that Hama dumped him. THE TRADITIONATIONAL TAKING OF THE SUITCASES.
MAGA: "that guy's schemed his way into Hometowns. He's going to keep saying what Hannah wants to hear. It's going to last the rest of her life. And she has no idea." And she could've had such a boring white life playing golf with me. AspMus: "Everytime you think he's gone, he's not." @bachelorclues: "Like Trump."
Scenes: Hama: "I fucked in a windmill."
TAG: straight silence with Luke and MAGA. Then MAGA puts balogna over his eyes.