If anyone missed last week's episode, here is a summary in one image:
The Gang Goes to Paris
The women are stoked to finally travel to the Fort Lauderdale of Europe, Paris. Krystal goes dressed as Bad Sandy.
They boat down the Seine. They yell at Paris: "Bonjour Arie!"
Lord Harrison meets with Eerie, explaining to him that Paris is, "easily the most romantic city in the world." Eerie can't believe what an emotional journey this has been: "These feelings are like, so strong." Eerie mentions the Becckkaahs and Tia. Guessing they make Hometowns.
Lord Harrison announces the date number breakdowns, including the first two-on-one. Yussss. Krystal knows she's been getting the Villain Edit and already assumes she's on it: "I wonder who will be on the Two-on-One with me... There’s been a target on my back."
LB One-on-One Date
They make the rest of the women watch LB and Eerie go on their date from the boat. LB: "All the girls are really jealous." Eerie: “That’s OK.” That's OK. That's kinda the whole point of all of this. They wander around Paris and get the Silence Edit. Eerie: “Look at how pretty that is.” LB: “Wow.”
Eerie: “Sometimes I get the sense like maybe Lauren isn’t very into me.”
Eerie: “I have a crush on you and I want you to like me.” Eerie repeatedly says that she's so hot that he wants it to work.
Back at the Hotel…
Jacqueline says she’s been "completely out of [her] comfort zone" 100% of the time on these dates with Eerie.
Back on the Date…
Eerie cheerses LB with another creepy AF WINK. Eerie: “It’s pretty good.” LB: “Heh. Heh.” They talk about how overwhelmed they were by all the crowds. K. Eerie tells her how he barely can get anything out of her but "the little moments I see I really love."
LB: "I usually put people in the friend zone for 6 months." Eerie then reveals some insane shit out of left field, about how his Ex who was a Mom was "actually pregnant with my child.” Then she miscarried while he was out of town and dumped him.
LB now feels comfortable to admit: "I actually was engaged to my last ex." Eerie responds with a childish side frown. LB: “I thought that he was my person I was going to be with the rest of my life. As soon as we got engaged he was cool with not treating me well anymore.” LB starts crying. Eerie comforts her: “I think you worry too much... I know that you’re beautiful but you’re much more than that to me.” He gives her the rose. Shoot me in the fucking face.
Moulin Rouge Group Date
Becca: “When I think of Paris, I think of the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre. I think of burlesque shows.” You do??
I want whatever drugs Straddler Jenna is on: “This is amazing. This is like, probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” Tia continues in her role of Colorful Narrator: “Their outfits are thongs. Um, yeah.”
Seinne thinks she has an advantage because she "grew up dancing." Becca K: “I’ve never been in more pain in an outfit before.”
Whoever gets the rose gets to go on stage and dance with Arie. That sounds like a punishment though? OMG EERIE’S OUTFIT!!!
THEY HAVE TO BLACK BOX ALL THEIR OUTFITS AS THEY PERFORM.
Later at Drinks…
After the women spent the whole day performing naked sexy dances to win extra time with Eerie, he reneges on this threat for the SECOND ep in a row. I wish Krystal was here to double down on her liar accusations. Eerie: "It’s not based off today. It's based off my connection. So, with that, Tia will you join me." SO WITH THAT should be on Eerie's gravestone.
Tia: "That was the most insecure freaked out moment of my life." Eerie: "I feel like we have something really cool and special and I love it." Tia: "I find myself daydreaming about you and about us." Full-blown Stockholm Syndrome.
Eerie has Pillow Time with his baby Tinkerbex. Tinkerbex: “It’s hard for me to believe other peoples’ relationships are progressing at that rate.”
Seinne lies that she thinks "it’s good [the judging] is not about the dancing." Eerie to Seinne: “If you can, just don’t put up many walls.” Seinne says, "I’m really happy to be in Paris with you" in French. Eerie, completely devoid of culture or any fucking interesting thing to say: “Aww. I love that.” He doesn't love it as much as he loves Tinkerbex though, who gets the rose.
Later at Tinkerbex’s Performance…
Erie lip-syncs French and it's awful and he looks like a fucking clown and I get more and more frustrated that he's espoused as "the best" America has to offer.
HA they make the other women watch this performance.
They have Pillow Time on stage... then backstage... then in front of the windmill. This season is basically just a Pillow Time Super Cut, inter-spliced with Krystal talking shit.
Back at the Hotel…
The women find out Taxidermist is gonna be versus Cruel Krystal. Krystal to camera: "Can we talk about how much Kendall shit her pants?" Krystal keeps poking at Kendall. Krystal: "She’s shaking. She’s so nervous. How boring are the other relationships? I mean really. Baby, I’m wife material. Fun wife material.”
Taxidermist vs. Cruel Krystal
They haven’t brought up Krystal’s homeless brother recently in order to keep portraying her as the villain. Eerie ditches Taxidermist and Krystal in a maze. We see several The Shining shots of Krystal as they're both forced to do this stakesless task. Krystal finds Eerie first and it's NOTHING.
Eerie and Krystal
Eerie is wearing makeup again? Eerie: "Things have gone downhill since [our first date]. If I see that same Krystal as in Fort Lauderdale, that’ll make this decision easy."
Eerie to Krystal: "I’m not punishing you... Come to me instead of saying things in the car and to the other ladies that called my character into question.” Krystal: "I don’t want to throw away all the color, all the texture, and depth of our relationship."
After some confidence-imbuing Pillow Time, Krystal makes a BOLD move, shitting on Kendall, and it FUCKING WORKS!!!: "I don’t know if Kendall’s ever been in love. I don’t think she’s actually in a position for getting married." Eerie: “You think Kendall wouldn’t be emotionally ready?” Krystal: “Yeah, I guess I am saying that.”
Krystal: “I feel like I was working through a challenge with my boyfriend... I feel 99% sure she’s going home tonight.”
Eerie and Kendall
Eerie tells Taxidermist that Krystal threw her under the bus. Kendall looks like that woman from 24 (Kim Raver). Kendall: "It’s pretty cruel. She felt she needed to say negative things about me… It’s about winning for Krystal."
Kendall confronts Krystal. Kendall: “In what way do you feel like I’m not ready? You don’t know and you acted as if you do know.” Krystal: “Why are you here?” Kendall tries to give Krystal some wisdom: “I’ve dated someone like you before. In the face of conflict… saying the thing most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean you win. It means you hurt someone... You’ve been through a lot… more pain that I can understand…"
Krystal dgaf though, "I don’t really have words." Eerie comes back and can’t make a decision so they’re both going to dinner. COOL.
Krystal and Kendall at Dinner
They're "eating" in front of the Eiffel Tower.
Krystal to Taxidermist: “I don’t want your advice on how I should live my life. I have a lot of emotions and I feel.” Kendall: “Krystal lives in a delusion. She tried to say a lot of things to hurt me.”
Tinkerbex: “No one thought Trump was going to win the election. And looky, here we are.” I love her.
Eerie grabs Taxidermist. Did Eerie not have on-on-one time with Krystal? They don’t show it. Eerie gives rose to Kendall. Krystal smiles through it.
Eerie: “Krystal I’m very sorry. I know this wasn’t easy for you to be here. It’s always hard to say goodbye but it’s especially hard to say goodbye to you.” They leave Krystal at the table alone. Krystal: “This is such bullshit. I’m floored. FLOORED.”
Back at the Cruise Hotel…
Producers grab Krystal’s suitcase. The women pop the now-traditional villain-going-home-champagne.
Back on the Date…
They go to top of Eiffel Tower. Kendall’s rose is down to a nub now.
Cruel Krystal: "I don’t need love to feel fulfilled but I really want it… I just want to feel like, accepted and good enough." She cries and everyone on this show and maybe everyone in general is broken. She gazes out the window at the Eiffel tower where Taxidermist and Eerie are having Le Pillow Time.
Jacqueline: “It felt like I was given a pony for Christmas. But it’s also like, if you don’t learn to ride this pony by the end of the day it will be shot.” HA. Their car breaks down immediately. Eerie, the CAR EXPERT, tries and fails to fix it. I bet they reference Jacqueline's ability to just "go with the flow" because she doesn't immediately kill herself when the fancy Bachelor transportation doesn't work.
Eerie: "We’re going to do a little shopping to get you ready." GROSS. Another date where Eerie dresses up someone. Eerie's so vanilla and dumb. Eerie re: decorations: “What period would this be? You know what I mean?”
Eerie: "I love how I’m sort of making your Paris dream come true."
Jacqueline starts crying because she doesn’t want to say goodbye in case he’s not OK with her staying in another state and finishing her PHD.
Jacqueline: "I was a little worried that I’m an experiment rather than someone you’re really into." Eerie says he wants lives to fit together but he’s picking all people whose lives wouldn’t: "So with that, Jacqueline will you accept this rose." Eerie: "I don’t really see her ambitions and dreams as a hindrance. Just another obstacle." Pillow Time in green staircase.
Roses for Tia, Seinne, and Becca. Mom Chelsea and Straddler Jenna go home. They use the possibility of Becca K going home as a cliffhanger? Haaaa. She's still my pick for winner.
Mom Chelsea gets a goodbye talk but Straddler Jenna doesn't. Mom Chelsea: "I didn’t see this coming." ME EITHER. HE HAS NO MOMS LEFT... Mom Chelsea: "I'm afraid that I'm going home to nothing."
Eerie tells them they’re going to Tuscany and cackles evilly. Cool. So happy he's the captain of our emotional roller coaster... This tweet was meant for Justin Timberlake but I feel like it's perfect for Eerie also:
The Gang goes to Fort Lauderdale
We get a fun peek at Eerie's angel wings tattoo on his bicep. Apparently this was to cover up an ex's name (but not the one he dumped to go on this show). Taxidermist imbues Fort Lauderdale with magic powers: I've gotten so much out of my limited time so far, "I can only imagine what one day would do here in Fort Lauderdale."
There's a series of shots of their hotel room with no one in them. Play our hotel commercial and you can have the room for free? Eerie announces Mom Chelsea gets first date. Lauren B is already pissed: "I felt like he didn’t even look at me one time." Try having a USED WOMB, LB. The women pretend to be happy that Raquel is back from her grandparent's funeral when they're all pissed she got a rose pass last week.
Mom Chelsea One-on-One
There's more ad footage, this time of the yacht that Eerie and Mom Chelsea go on.
Eerie: “It’s so cool.” Mom Chelsea: “I’m on a dreamboat. But I’m also with a dreamboat.”
This is the second episode in a row where they flaunt the one-on-one in front of the women trapped in the hotel room. This time, they've upgraded the jealousy binoculars to a fucking jealousy telescope. The astronomer women scream, "They’re Titanicking!"
Now they make out on a jet ski in front of the women's balcony. Raquel has already forgotten her dead grandparent and is right back in the dramz: "I wouldn’t be pissed if she like, didn’t come home." LB: "Watching Chelsea make out with him makes me kind of nauseous." Don't worry LB. We're all nauseous with you.
Later at Drinks...
They go to a Car Museum. Get it? He's the car one.
Eerie: "I love the fact that she’s very strong, independent. I just love that in a woman... I definitely treat Chelsea in a different way because she is a Mom. I have to be really delicate with that."
Eerie: "I’m so curious about you." He asks Chelsea about her ex. Mom Chelsea: "I hate talking about this stuff... I was drowning in a life that seemed perfect. I didn’t grow up with a lot. When I met my ex he swept me off my feet with a life that’s extremely comfortable… The separation happened when Sammy was six months old. That was tough."
Eerie gives his most sympathetic face: "You were a new Mom!"
Mom Chelsea tells Eerie she appreciated today and how Eerie is great: "We could’ve been in the park. We could’ve been laying on a blanket and having those conversations."
Back at the Hotel...
The Group Date is announced. The women take turns pretending to be happy to not be on the one-on-one. Tia gets it. TIA’S GOT SOME FANTASTIC FACES. NO TEEF!!!
Back on the Date...
Eerie is wearing makeup? Eerie gives Mom Chelsea the rose: "I would never waste your time." Non-Moms and Bachelor Nation though? Fuck those plebs. Eerie: "I’m really proud that you’re here." Proud?? He's so proud of himself for not kicking her off yet? Mom Chelsea must make it to hometowns.
Group Bowling Date
The producers are trolling Eerie at this point. They make him act out an obscure reference-- recreating shots of Jesus from The Big Lebowski. It's absolutely disgusting and probably lost on most of Bachelor Nation...
They’re trolling Eerie with his outfits at this point too. He looks like the host of Blues Clues. They make him hold his leg in the air.
Eerie cheerses the women: "To rolling with it!"
Straddler Jenna is thankfully, somehow already drunk.
Tinkerbex is getting frustrated with Krystal's fakery.
Krystal: "The girls are desperately fighting for his attention." Eerie announces that the winning team "gets" to go to the afterparty with him as a prize. Oh good we film and air them changing.
The women split into two teams and they self-segregate. All the non-white women are on one team vs. most of the white women. This is not acknowledged by anyone.
Straddler Jenna does some bizarre cheerleader cheer and straddles the floor: "We’re gonna win! Cos we’re a ten! And you’re a four! And you're shhh!"
Eerie: "I never imagined myself in the middle of a high stakes bowling game." The stakes couldn't be higher. Some of these girls will get five extra minutes with me. Krystal leads a prayer over the game: "I want to ask Wayne and Chuckie to be our angels and guide us through." Jacqueline: "Who?" Krystal: “My dogs.”
Krystal's calling the other women's actions desperate but I've never seen someone cartwheel on a bowling lane...
The white team wins and Krystal leads a toast as if the diverse team is all cut from the show: "To continuing this adventure!" The diverse team is downtrodden. Tinkerbex: "Omg how many more times do I have to hear Krystal give a fucking toast. Like, I can't handle that shit anymore."
Benevolent Eerie tells them he's going to bring all of them to the afterparty.
Krystal is dumb and thinks Eerie has any agency in the structure of these dates: "What? Like why did you change your mind?" She now refuses to carry their trophy. Apparently some shit goes down on the bus back and Krystal calls Eerie a liar. Back at the hotel, Krystal’s yelling at the crew to take her mic off.
Straddler Jenna: "Situations like this really show you somebody's true colors."
Other women: "Are you not going to come?" Krystal smiling as hard as possible: “I’m not.”
Krystal: "You can tell Arie that I think he was disrespectful toward Team Blue... All my stuff is packed right now in my bedroom."
Taxidermist calls Krystal cruel. Tinkerbex does a pretty good impression of Cruel Krystal: "No I won’t be going. No."
Later at Drinks…
They leave a camera man in the shot. Why? Yes Jenna drink more!
Eerie: "We’re all here!" Someone: "We're not."
Tinkerbex: "[Cruel Krystal's] kind of throwing a fit."
Jenna: "She was not very nice. She was basically calling you a liar."
Eerie: "It’s unfortunate that she was that upset about it." EERIE MAKES THIS CASUAL FACE.
Eerie goes up to Krystal’s room despite his laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing. Krystal: “I’m just hanging.” Eerie: "It was just bowling." Cruel Krystal: "It felt like a lie." Eerie: "You know me more than anyone here."
Eerie: “Know that I’m not happy about it. And I’ll see you in a few days.”
Eerie goes back to the women. EERIE HOLDS HIS LITTLE BABY TINKERBEX.
Becca: "I was too busy with the drama. Damn it Krystal! I didn’t even shave my legs... I was his first date and I plan to be his last."
Eerie speaks to Becca in a baby voice: "You got to kiss the hell out of me."
Becca: "Thank you."
Tinkerbex leads a prayer for Cruel Krystal: "May she find the peace that she thinks she has."
Krystal crashes the date. LB cries.
Tinkerbex asks Krystal if her leaving and then changing her mind and coming back makes her "a liar." I want Tinkerbex to be next Bachelorette.
Krystal, realizing the women aren't having her shit, leaves again. LB stops crying for long enough to ask Eerie some probing questions like, "What's your favorite color?" Eerie tells her she should already know it's blue.
LB gets deeper and asks how he takes his coffee. Eerie: "I’d like to say black, you know, and be all manly about it but cream and sugar."
Eerie tells the girls which ones are runner ups to get the group date rose, then, "So with that… Lauren!" "So with that" is such a Bachelor phrase.
Tia's Swamp Date
Eerie: "I feel like this is a really country date for a country girl." Eerie and Tia go on a swamp tour.
Eerie does a Southern accent: "Tell me about froggin’." Eerie re: the swamp boat: "As like, a car guy. It’s a big engine. It’s like a car." You probably wouldn't understand because you still get around on a horse and buggy.
Later at drinks…
Eerie: “I love that.” He says this about everything. Tia's apparently a doctor of physical therapy. Tia: "I can do it anywhere. Cos I don’t see myself in Arkansas."
Eerie: "There’s a lot of elderly patients in Scottsdale." STFU ABOUT SCOTTSDALE!!!
Tia asks if Eerie believes in a higher power. Eerie: "I don't know if there's a higher power leading me. I have lost a lot of friends. So, like, there’s a lot of questions there. Like, why?"
Eerie: "I love the fact that you’re here. And it’s going good."
Tia: "Thank you for this opportunity... I’m falling in love with you."
Eerie: "You have to look at me when you say that." Eerie rewards her with some nonconsensual eye contact hypnosis. Tia gets rose.
Cruel Krystal says best line of ep: "Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself."
Taxidermist: "Would you try human meat?"
Eerie: "Only in life or death situation."
Taxidermist: "I would totally try it. It’s a curiousity!"
Eerie: "You scare me." Pillow Time.
Krystal: "I’m tired of lowering myself to try to stoop to theirs. I’m done. That was glitter. Glitter."
Krystal tells Eerie she struggled on group date because, "[she] grew up in a bowling alley." Krystal, cutely: "This is our first fight." Eerie: "It could be our last fight." This is his most masculine line of this season and he doesn't even make good on his threat. Eerie can’t send her home because she already met his family on their first date. Sunk Cost Fallacy, babayy!!
Roses for Tinkerbex, Yale Seinne, Taxidermist, Becca K, Jacqueline, Straddler Jenna, Cruel Krystal. Raquel, Ashley, and Kardashian Marikh go home.
Cruel Krystal: "I guess good things are worth fighting for… If the girls thought that I was a threat before then, watch out ladies."
Tag: Eerie talks to a grandma bowling team and it's awkward. "So that makes y'all like, SUPER Moms, right?"