By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 8 (Air Date: 7/17/17)
It's arguably the best week of the Bachelorette journey: Hometowns. And three of the final four have huge, fucked up issues with their families. What a wonderful gift from Lord Harrison for Bachelor Nation!
Eric's Hometown in Baltimore
Rachel's first family visit is with Eric. He shows her the good parts of Baltimore but he says, "this is not the realness of where Eric comes from."
But where is the realness? Eric drives her to the other part of town, pointing out his favorite landmarks such as people selling drugs, to the basketball court he grew up playing on.
Eric's cousin joins them and backs up Eric's story of how he studied and avoided the bad temptations growing up. Cuz: "This whole frame right here is looking right."
They both sit on basketballs and discuss being back on "this court that made you."
With his family, Eric says, "just be Rachel." I think I mistook Eric being so infatuated with Rachel as him being drunk on his one-on-one. He is going to get CRU-USHED... Look at this face...
For someone who harped on how he raised himself, there are a LOT of family members at this visit.
Eric's Aunt is awesome and grills Rachel on the "R-A-C-E word" and how difficult it is being the first black Bachelorette.
Rachel explains how she has a lot of pressure on her and her choices from different groups, but "love doesn't have a color."
Eric talks to the Mom that he said doesn’t love him and she's fun: "Have you prepared yourself if it was to go the other way?"
Eric: "Life is hard. What doesn't hurt?"
Eric's Mom tells him that she didn't like how a lot of guys lean on their Moms so that's why she didn't support him. Eric's Mom: "That was my best way of showing you love."
Eric's Dad stares 1000 yards into his parental failings, located in the sofa.
Eric tells Rachel he loves her in a bizarre way: "I was like, 'Damn, I really love this girl.' And what I mean by that is I really care about you like, a lot. Like, I care about your well-being." Rachel misinterprets this as him not fully saying I love you.
Bryan's Hometown in Miami
Rachel: "Miami just screams Bryan. It's hot. It's steamy. There's something sexy about it. Sometimes it speaks to you in Spanish."
Bryan wants to show her the "Real Miami" so he takes her to play dominos with some elderly locals that he doesn't know in a place he's clearly never been before.
They lose badly at dominos because this is something Bryan's never done before. He calls the real Miami "Worldwide" because he's Pitbull with hair.
They go dancing with a bunch of other men in red.
Bryan feeds Rachel arepas and considers eating her.
Bryan tells Rachel how this is a big moment for his Mom because he's her only son.
They discuss how his last breakup was caused because of the ex not getting along with the Mom. Bryan says it in a super cool way: "It was not on [my family] but more on the other person."
He tries to skirt by this gigantic red flag with another creepy Bryanism: "I'm kind of obsessed to see you smile."
We finally meet the family of this prize. Bryan's Mom, Olga, is in love with him. Olga: "Bryan's my life. He's my love, he's my pride."
Olga gulps up her drink meeting Rachel, and Bachelor Nation flashes back to Jojo's Mom meeting Unlovable Ben.
Olga asks Bryan what he sees in Rachel and he says, "She's beautiful inside and out, personality."
Olga is a maniac and I love it. Olga: "You have gone out with SO many girls, and you go to a show and you fall in love with the girl of the show? I'm in shock. You have had the opportunity to meet so many girls and you haven't found yours." Bryan: "I feel like it's destiny."
Olga makes her first of several threats against Rachel: "She knows that if she messes with the mother, that's not good. That's not being smart. Because of course, mother is mother. We are blood."
Rachel talks to his sister? I thought he was only child. Maybe his Dad's kid? Rachel brings up red flag: "she really didn't get along with the family?" Sister figure says a normal sentence: "Nope. And that was her demise."
Sister figure repeats AGAIN that it was this girl's "demise."
Next, Olga threatens Rachel to her face! Olga: "Bryan is my life... You are marrying the family too... Because some women want him only for themselves... If not, I will kill you."
Olga admits Rachel has trustworthy eyes but she's still skeptical, "'cause he's my love of my life."
Is Olga's love reciprocated? Maybe not. Bryan is outside telling Rachel he loves her and Rachel makes this face which makes me worried he's going to win.
Rachel: "I am letting myself feel all the feels." SHE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE TRICKED BY LYIN BRYAN'S CHEEK IMPLANTS. UGH.
Hot Peter's Wisconsin Hometown
Next, Rachel visits Hot Peter in Wisconsin.
Hot Peter shows her a typical day in his life, going to the farmers market and eating honey from a man in a honeycomb hat while fifty strangers watch over his shoulder.
Hot Peter then does something super weird. He brings Rachel to the bar he had his bon Bachelorette voyage party, which he treats as if it was some sort of super important ceremony. He then springs his friends upon Rachel, two pairs of interracial couples, to "see if she can fit seamlessly into that group."
Rachel reveals something Peter said offscreen which is even weirder: "I have ten really close friends. 8 out of 10 are black." Peter's friend: "Did he pull out his card too, from his wallet?" Rachel says she asked how many were black women and he says none. So, this is the lunch to prove that he's not racist?
His friend reiterates his point: "Peter's a pretty like, accepting dude. He treats everybody the same." Hot Peter, as he's starting to seem less hot: "Can I steal the gentlemen for a little guy time?"
During Guy Time, Hot Peter searches for outside approval of Rachel: "She fits in well?... But I don't know her on a daily basis. To wake up next to this person and I'm still feeling these feels for this person, right?" Ugh.
Hot Peter: "The idea is three weeks from today I should be able to get down on one knee and propose to her. And it's fucking terrifying."
Peter's friends are a lot chiller than him and know Rachel's the shit: "Don't fuck it up."
Rachel meets Peter's family...
Peter holds his niece and tells his parents about how he "accidentally grabbed Rachel's butt."
My friend points out Peter's sister is the Wisconsin Julia Stiles.
Peter's sister says Peter is ready for this but then Rachel asks Peter's Mom. She says, "Not necessarily." He's ready for "a commitment but not a proposal."
Peter does NOT tell Rachel he loves her, only that he is happy. Peter: "I'm afraid that this maybe be one of the last times I see her."
Dean's Hometown in Aspen
Dean wears maroon tights for this date. Maybe the apple doesn't fall too far from the eccentric tree.
Rachel: "Dean is what I like to refer to as my beautiful surprise." They go dirtbiking or whatever this dirt activity is called.
Dean explains his eccentric father to Rachel, saying that he has become a Sihk and wants to be called Parumrup, which means "divinely beautiful." His new wife is called Santantar.
Rachel: "Why haven’t you talked to your Dad in two years?"
Dean: "Is it my responsibility to talk to my Dad?"
Rachel: "Have you ever said you weren’t here for me? Maybe you should tell him he wasn't."
Dean: "This is going to be awful."
Rachel: "I’m going to be right here."
Rachel meets Dean's family...
My friend aptly nicknames Parumrup, Gong Dad. Gong Dad: "We’re waiting for King Dean to show up." Dean, FREAKED: "Where’s the table at? Why are we all on the floor?"
Gong Dad makes everyone lie down and listen to the gong.
It should be noted that Dean's brother is also super hot.
Gong Dad gives Rachel and Dean feathers to represent his late wife and Rachel loves it.
They eat a "mung bean" dinner on the floor and Dean throws shade: "I wish I didn't eat before I came here."
Gong Dad asks to talk to Dean alone and so everyone else leaves the room?
Gong Dad says Dean has changed, "This is not the same Dean I knew a year ago... You're talking from your male chakra." Dean drinks to deal.
Dean’s sister and Rachel sit on a swing and Dean's sister starts crying, "He’s been through a lot and been so strong. I’ve been really weak." Oof.
Gong Dad: "I must be a pretty great Dad because look at my son."
Dean: "Do you feel like you’re still fulfilling things as a father?"
Gong Dad: "I didn’t have the arguments. You did."
Gong Dad: "How could I understand your frustration?... It was horrible watching your mother die."
Dean: "I personally felt abandoned... Dad, I'm trying to work through this with you."
Gong Dad: "What is there to work through, Dean?" He tells him he didn't know how to be a mother. Dean: "So how is that a bold statement when it's true?!"
Gong Dad: "You’re still living there. You’ve still got one fucking foot stuck in the past!"
Gong Dad storms out and Rachel tries to talk to him. Gong Dad: "If you must. I’m really kind of done."
Rachel tries to connect with him as they sit by the fire, telling him about how Dean is her beautiful surprise. The yard is filled with a lot of weird backdrop paintings. Gong Dad: "I honor the whole thing." Then he notices the cameras and gets up, "No!"
Rachel checks on Dean, who is catatonic on the floor.
Gong Dad peers in window.
Dean: "I know that I'm falling in love with you." Rachel: "I'm falling in love with you too."
Rachel: "The only thing I’m sure of is I’m falling for four men. I can't imagine them not being part of my life."
Rachel chats with Lord Harrison and tells him how Bryan is the only one who said "I love you."
Rachel is a fucking gem. She's the first person to talk about how she feels guilty for being "so selfish" in this process and she starts crying. Ugh, she BETTER not end up with Bryan.
Rachel does that thing in the rose ceremony where she explains how she's sorry "to the person that I have to say goodbye to tonight" before that person even knows who he is.
Roses for Bryan, ERIC?!. For a second I think she's going to let go of Hot Peter over Dean. RACHEL LETS GO OF HER BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE!!!!!!!
She just made Dean go through hell though!! He is young, and clearly still working through some shit. Beautiful surprise: "I told you I was falling in love with you and you said the same thing."
Rachel: "I meant that."
Beautiful Surprise: "I just think that tonight, she made a mistake." Is Dean going to be the next Bachelor?!
Final Three is tonight!!!!!!!!
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 7 (Air Date: 7/10/17)
This is the last week before Hometowns?! Matt AND Doll Adam are in her Top Six?! How.
They go to Geneva!
Rachel ponders her husband search amongst the tulips.
Adam, still disfigured from the Vikings group date, prays for his first one-on-one.
But Colombian Bryan gets the first one-on-one. He goes to get changed.
Adam: "I don't know why she would want to pick a guy like that... Curveball, dude."
Rachel tells Bryan he got "the luxury date" as they approach a Bentley. Bryan: "Get the fuck out. We're not going in that car right now."
Ew why is he driving? Bryan remembers how Rachel likes Church: "Like, I'm blessed. Like, I'm blessed to meet you. I’m blessed to be here. I’m just so happy."
They go to a watch store. Ewwwwww is she going to buy him a watch?
Bryan: "I like black."
Rachel's acting skills are really put to the test in this episode. She pretends like she is buying expensive watches for the two of them: "I got this." Bryan kisses her immediately.
Bryan: "This is a forever gift." This is so gross.
Bryan: "I love watching you smile." Rachel's still falling for this nonsense.
Rachel: "He’s sexy already but you add the confidence, sprinkle that on top, MM."
Back at the Hotel...
Adam and Matt discuss how they're the only people who haven't gotten a one-on-one.
Dean shits on Bryan, that he's spent the last 18 years in Miami "swooning and sweet-talking women on a daily basis."
Back on the Date...
Rachel: "With you I’ve been very up front of where my weaknesses are in the love department."
Bryan: "I can’t wait."
IMAGERY OF A FOUNTAIN BURSTING.
Dean gets his second one-on-one date. Dean: "Don't punch me in the face."
This is the second dude to get another one-on-one before Matt and Adam get their first.
LATER AT DRINKS…
This date is an insane fire hazard with all these candelabras and it's all I can think about. Bryan opens up to Rachel, saying that his Mom thought he was a bad kid and sent him to a boys' school because he "asked for an earring."
Rachel tells Bryan how she went to private school. Bryan gives a totally normal response that doesn't make me throw up in my mouth and want to kill myself. Bryan: “What were your uniforms like?... I want to picture you in your little schoolgirl outfit.” EW.
Rachel asks if his family will be OK with him bringing home a black girl. Bryan: "As long as you love me, you're good."
Bryan tells a really bizarre, vague story about his ex-girlfriend and how she didn't get along with his Mom at a wedding: "she wasn't gonna meet my mom halfway." What?? Wtf are you compromising with your girlfriend’s Mom about? He says that's why she dumped him. This sounds legit.
Bryan looks like he’s recently had his wisdom teeth removed. Or cheek implants.
Bryan gets the rose. Bryan: "1000% yes. Absolutely. I cherish that." UGH. Some musicians emerge from the rafters to play romantic music.
Rachel: "When I’m with Bryan, I feel like I’m in a fairy tale." Why are we watching them make out for twenty minutes?
Dean is so pretty and I can't unsee him as Ruby Rose.
Rachel tells him they’re going to do literally the worst date ever, a Catholic mass in French. She jokes that they can leave if they don't like it.
Shocker, it is weird and awkward.
A guy who looks like Dean's Dad from the Hometowns preview plays music and they dance.
Rachel keeps trying to make their talks deeper but Dean is nervous about talking to her about his weird family.
Dean deflects like a pro: "Do you believe in the tooth fairy?" Rachel: "Okay..."
Dean steps it up: "What’s your favorite dinosaur?"
Rachel: "I mean seriously?"
Dean: "You’re so pretty."
Back at the Hotel...
The guys dish on Dean.
Matt: "He’s set in his ways as a lot of us were in our mid-twenties." What?
Hot Peter gets the last one-on-one. Eric does the obvious math: "If Dean comes back, you guys are the top three."
Back on Dean's Date...
Rachel asks Dean why something was off today. Dean starts laughing. Rachel: "I'm not gonna let you laugh your way out of this one."
Dean: "I really, really like you. It’s hard to put myself out there knowing it could be crushed immediately... My family is not the kind of family you want to see…"
Dean describes his Dad as "not a person that has any bearing on my emotional experience. He’s become quite a bit more eccentric." Eccentric meaning... racist?
Rachel tells Dean she gets him and isn't looking for him to have a perfect family. She gives him the rose saying, "I want to meet the people that made you the amazing person you are." They make out in front of the fountain.
Hot Peter's One-on-One
Rachel gives a weirdly scripted speech to Peter about seeing the Swiss Alps. Rachel: "It would be such a shame to come all this way and not see the Alps. So what better way to see the Swiss Alps, than from above?"
They put a video effect star burst on the town!
Rachel points out how Hot Peter got the first and last one-on-one. Peter: "Trust me, I’ve been in my head, plenty."
They go on a dog sled through the snow and look freezing.
Hot Peter tells Rachel about his "darker days" where he has considered leaving. He says their relationship was enough to get him through.
They make out in the snow.
Later at Drinks...
Hot Peter: "Dad is Gary. Mom is Lynn… She’s going to talk the most." Moms be talking.
Rachel brings up the million dollar question: "Have you ever brought home a black girl before?"
Hot Peter: "I have never actually dated a black woman before." He says this with more confidence than Will did so it's glossed over.
Hot Peter now tells a story of how he dumped his last ex: "I pulled out of the driveway with all my stuff in my car… she’s got tears streaming down her face and I watched her in the rearview mirror." THIS IS THE CLIP THEY PLAYED AS IF HE WAS DESCRIBING RACHEL CRYING! UGHHH TRICKED AGAIN, YA BASTARDS!!!!
Hot Peter can’t love! Rachel asks if he's ready now. He says, "I can only say, I think that I am." He's definitely setting himself up to be next Bachelor...
Rachel is worried he might not propose at the end.
Back at the Hotel...
Eric, Matt, and Adam get their date card: "Tomorrow will be difficult." Three dudes. One rose.
Adam: "I see this as an opportunity, just shining the way I have been from the get-go." Adam has been shining? When?
***Is this the first episode without Adam Junior? When he goes home will Adam Junior go home???
Back on the Date...
Hot Peter: "I don’t throw around the word love easily. But it's definitely along that path." Rachel gives him the rose.
Adam: “I want her to make the easiest decision... My relationship with her is probably stronger than anybody else's in the house.” How can he possibly think this?
Rachel is wearing a crop top. They’re going on a freezing boat and she’s in a crop top. They all spoon.
Why is Adam giving a speech? He tells Rachel he hopes she finds that "passionate, tight love."
Eric: "You do something to my energy where I just get happy." He says she's changed him and he's the most vulnerable he's ever been.
Matt: "I want that rose worse than anybody else."
Matt: "I find it amazing to see how you’ve evolved within these last 8 or 10 months." Since having seen her on TV she’s changed?
Rachel tells him he reminds her the most of herself and then starts crying. She dumps him.
She’s mouth-kissing him goodbye.
Matt re: champagne glass: "Can I take this with me?"
Later that Night...
Doll Adam and Eric make it to a second round face off. They sit at the saddest table together.
Adam: "Tonight is going to be the cherry-on-top of the connection I’ve built up so far… but she may not make the right decision at the all of this."
Doll Adam asks her a super normal question: "Do you see yourself potentially falling in love with me?" Rachel: "Yeah, that’s why you’re still there."
Adam tells her he's been thinking about her all the time, "Can I like, send her a note? Can I text her?"
Rachel’s face at the idea of Adam texting her or sending her something could not be more disinterested.
Adam tells her he "started to go towards [her]... after the mud wrestling date."
Adam then tells her how he wants her to meet "Mama G, Papa G", and the rest of his family.
Eric tells Rachel about how hard his upbringing was, and how a lot of the people he knew were involved with crime and drugs. He also says he's never seen his parents together and that he's never brought a girl home.
Rachel gives the rose to Eric.
Adam continues to spew nonsense as he gets in the limo: "I don’t want you to feel that if you’d kept Adam it could have been different." No mouth-kiss goodbye for Adam! WHERE’S ADAM JUNIOR?! Adam: "That fucking sucks."
Adam: "I guarantee if she’d met my family on the hometowns this could’ve all gone totally different."
Rachel tells Eric she’s excited to go to his hometown. Eric is extremely hunched over, turtling.
Rachel: "I’m just humbled in my core by this entire experience... It's working for me."
Tag: Rachel and Peter talking about sled-dog-poop. How does he not win? I guess that's Goodbye Adam Junior, the breakup we didn’t get to see.